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I'm desperate for advice about my boyfriend and his priorities!

Tagged as: Family, Health, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 October 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 October 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

This is going to be super long, but i really need some advice and i really appreciate any one who takes the time to read this and reply. I've had a boyfriend(C) for about three months now. he's my first serious boyfriend. He's been doing some things that kind of make me unsure about his priorities; and I'm not sure how to react or if i should just let these things go. first of all, he's kind of a partier. he smokes and he drinks almost every weekend, and he doesn't really ever invite me to go with him. I smoke and drink once in a while, but it's difficult for me because my parents are like helicopters; they always have to know where I am, who i am with, and what i am doing. whenever C starts partying, he takes hours to reply to my text messages so i usually just end up telling him to text me the next morning. last night, he was drinking a lot and woke up hungover. we were planning to hang out today with another couple, and i told C that we were planning to meet up around 1 or 2. he said that he would probably meet up with us more around 3 or 4, because he needed to "relax" for a while because of his hangover. should i be frustrated by this? also, last tuesday we were talking on the phone and he told me to come over to his house after school on friday. friday came, and he asked me what i was doing after school. i purposely said "i'm not sure, probably nothing." just to see if he remembered our plans. i asked him what he was doing after school, and he said "i'm probably going to go over to the skate park and hang out with my friends, but i'll text you in a little while." usually we text eachother about an hour or two after school ends; he didn't text me until 9 oclock that night because he went to the skatepark and then smoked with his good friend. he tends to this kind of thing often.

also, C has an ex-girlfriend whom he very briefly dated. this girl(M) is really good friends with all of his friends. M also has multiple classes with C, and i have none with him (this is a little bit of me being jealous, yes). they are also always texting each other and they get pretty flirty sometimes. i think C still has some feelings for M, should i talk to him about this? and what should i say?

almost done!

i really would like to get closer to C's friends and i really want them to like me and be able to be friends with me as well. C barely ever asks me to hang out with him and his friends. problem number 568 (haha): i have never met C's mom, who is divorced from his dad and she lives in the same state. he goes to her house every couple of days, so they have a good relationship. i have only met his dad. should i have met her already? next problem: C never really wants to do anything different when we hang out. every single time, he comes over and we watch tv or a movie.. or fool around/have sex. i have gone to his house very few times, and we basically either just smoke or have sex. i've asked him to go see a movie or something different, but he doesn't really want to spend money on anything other than saving up for his bicycle(he's really into biking), bike parts, or pot.

before we started dating, he would often tell me in detail what he likes about me and why im a 'special girl'.. he rarely, if ever, does this anymore. but he always tells me how much he loves me and shows his affection, but never gets really in depth about it if that makes sense.

anyone who has had the patience to read this, thanks so much! i really value you're opinions.. i am really confused on what i should do about all of this, am i overreacting?

thanks!

View related questions: divorce, ex girlfriend, flirt, jealous, money, smokes, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011):

you are all probably right. thanks a lot for your opinions!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011):

I think CindyCares has hit on an important point - that he was/is likely a 'charmer'. Charmers tend to be charmers for a reason - they need to get what they want with minimal outlay and minimal work on their part.

Smoking pot can make people forgetful as well. And it his/your age...it really is a shame to hear of someone needing to 'relax' to get over a hangover. This guy is just treating you like a mate and then remembering, every now and then, that you are a girl.

I say dump him and get someone that naturally treats the whole relationship more like a young man/woman thing, rather than this guy who wants everything to be a case of 'hanging' together and sometimes not even with you!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (17 October 2011):

CindyCares agony auntYes andnot.

Meaning, no, of course you have plenty of reasons to be frustrated and to worry about your relationship, I'd say ALL you meantioned is a red flag , except the meeting Mom part ( after only 3 months of dating you'd not have necessarily met her even if he had been a better bf , it's definitely not " all in your head ".

Then again, you have to take responsibility for your choices. This guy sounds like an immature happygolucky pothead and party boy- you knew him, right, you knew which were his tastes, habits and values in life ( if we want to call pot smoking a value ). It's not as if he was your class valedictorian, or Sir Gahalad in shining armour - he was ( excuse me ) a- probably charming, amiable - big dickhead even before.

This is a case of "I love you- you are perfect- now change ".

If you want committment and reliability... change boyfriend.

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A female reader, Lexie88 Australia +, writes (17 October 2011):

Lexie88 agony auntSorry, meant to say overreacting :)

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A female reader, Lexie88 Australia +, writes (17 October 2011):

Lexie88 agony auntNo, you are not reacting. You want more than he can give you. And you should want a lot more!

You have a guy who is unreliable and irresponsible. If everything you say in this post is true I don't understand why you're still with him. You're definitely not one of his priorities. You seem to come in handy to hang out with and sleep with but that's as much as you're worth to him. Is that what you want?

Ask yourself one question: Is there a future for you with this guy? Be honest with yourself. If there's nothing to look forward to, nothing to improve, then it should be time for you to re-evaluate why you're still with him?

I personally think that you deserve much better than this. At your age it's easy to go down the wrong path with the wrong types of guys. Stop and think a little. It's never too late to change things.

All the best :)

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