A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:i am 23, i known i'm deaf and shy but i do feel depressed bt want female company also but i seen her every day and it enlighten me but it burnt ut fast even i see her and cant look away but i live in nottingham shire, what thing can i do as deaf person cuase deaf socity is not working and wantg hearing girl to look at me that i just the same even this girl frm bus stop but it scared cuase i dnt wanna make her feel uncomfortable like stalking which i dnt do that plase help where i can do to meet people in daytime
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank for advice , what bout in a shop
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): I only partially share your hearing disability and I do not know if your disability extends to spoken "hearing world" language, or if you can lip read, and therefore carry out an extended verbal conversation. Shyness is another problem, which I share it's a painful disability in it's self, and made the process of making relationships drawn out and at times depressingly difficult for myself.
However, there is a way, and this is my suggestion, hopefully others will have some ideas as well.
Somehow you have to show that you are part of the same world as this girl/woman, despite your disability, and that you share all the same attributes as any other hearing person: emotions, intellect, humour...even "shyness" which, sometimes can be seen as an attractive attribute!
You need to do two things:
a. "Begin conversation", and hopefully turn this into a regular morning bus queue conversation, which you can build on.
b. Most important, come out to her as deaf.
You can relax somewhat in the knowledge that most people react to the knowledge of a disability with a degree of acceptance, you will know this from life experience, sometimes they over do it by patronising you, but you will know that as well. Positively though, it makes you less of a threat than the average preditory male trying to chat her up at the bus stop.
You can do both (a) and (b) at the same time, by the use of some prop or excuse to begin a conversation. My first job was as a youth worker, doing detached work, this meant that I had go out and talk to disafected drug and alcohol using youth...I started conversations by always having a packet of cigarettes or a lighter with me, which would always be on the bar table in front of me, and start the conversation from the first request for a cigarette or a light...I didn't actually smoke!
You could start the conversation by writing a message on a note pad and attracting her attention. Top of the page, write "I'M DEAF", then another question? E.g. Time of the next bus? the time? have you change? but preferably something that she has to respond to (you hand her the pen, to respond), after that move you can engage her in further conversation by the same medium, give her your name, ask her what she does or where she works. She will just think you are being friendly....say bye (wave), and smile, and just take it slowly, don't ask her for her phone number until the friendship goes to the point where you've been sitting next her on the bus as a routine, and you are "talking" about your social lives, when it seems appropriate hint that you wouldn't mind going along to the club or pub she seems to frequent with her mates...if she gets to like you and see's you as safe, she might ask you along to a night out with her mates, (assuming that is, that she has a social life!)
You will be accepted, and they will make the assumption that they have to look after you, this might be irritating and you might feel patronised at first, keep control of the drinks..part of this annoying compensation is that they will think they have to buy you drinks, make sure you buy a round, but avoid getting drunk.... This "looking after you" is more about them "learning" how to accept you and treat you as an equal than them regarding you as any less human than they are! My shyness, actually opened doors to effective youth work...as the youth I was working with saught to protect me from the dangers of the area I worked in...they liked me/accepted me thought they needed to protect me because I was a bit shy...and a bit posh and green!
Don't rush things, build up a friendship, having "hearing friends" (or being with a group of "friends") will build your confidence up, also "friends" can help you ask or drop hints that you want to take someone out.
From expereince....the noise in night clubs, makes hearing conversation impossible anyway, so you might actually be at an advantage, with the "notebook conversation prop" anyway.
Take care, and good luck.
R
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