A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've always gotten good advice here before so I'm back again. I'm just wondering why it is so hard to be ina relationship with somebody who has baggage? Has anybody been in this situation before? Maybe dated somebody that has kids? It's very hard because u kno u will never come first! Which of course is the right thing, but is a little hard to deal with when you have no kids of your own. Just a bit on my story, I've been with him a while now and his kids are very young. I dread all holidays, coz i know he cant be with me as he must b with his kids. This means il b alone for Christmas, il b alone for Patricks day, il b alone for Easter, il b alone for some summer holidays, il b alone anytime there's an event happening with his family. I hope i dont sound like a bad person here. I'm happy he's a good dad. I guess i just worry he wud go back to their mother. As he has to b around her as the kids are so young. I feel like i will never b a part of the family that he has. I will always be on the outside looking in. Please can anyone share experiences with me coz i duno if i can do this anymore. Thank you all in advance.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 December 2014):
 He should be able to see his kids on his own in his own home and once he knows you two are serious you should be integrated into the full family life.
How long have you been dating? After 6 months or so it's time to start meeting the kids if you are serious. (some folks like to wait a year before meeting the kids the time frame varies)
does he see them on his own or does he say he has to go to her place to see them? If they do not have a formal child visitation/support agreement, then they need one. IF he won't do that and he insists he has to see the kids with their mother in her home.. then he's not done with mom and you are just a time filler for him till Mom makes the final choice to take him back or not.
if he lives in his own home
if you have been dating more than 6 months
if the kids visit him in his home
then I would discuss with him when he plans to integrate you into his life with the kids.
IF he still lives with mom and/or
if he won't see the kids without seeing her
let him know that you do not want to be the "back up plan" and get out.
if it's less than 6 months to a year together.. suck it up this year and know that if you stay together it should improve.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (18 December 2014):
 I don't really understand why he has to be around his ex's house whenever he wants to spend time with his kids.
You say the kids are young, but man can look after young children too. When it's his time to have them, they come with him round to his place and spend time with him there. That's what most other fathers do.
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A
female
reader, misztoria +, writes (18 December 2014):
 I agree with Youwish. I have a young child and when I started dating I only brought my son around two different men, but I never let his father come in the way of that. Maybe it's because I was the only one with custody, but I never felt obligated to spend time with my ex during the holidays.
Even if you're relationship is newer, I'd ask him if it would ever be a possibility of being included in family functions. If he's serious about you, he should want to include you despite what is ex thinks. I'd sit him down and have a serious conversation. There's no reason, besides feeling like it's too early in the relationship, to exclude you from family activities.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2014):
 Why does he have to be around her??? If they are apart, he has time with the kids as well as she does. Many relationships with children work out custody without ever having to spend time together.
You didn't tell me how long you have been together. If your relationship is a good one, and you take steps and next levels in your relationship, eventually there will be times where you both will be with his children, first on regular days and then on holidays, especially if you become married or permanent partners.
If he's spending all of these holidays with HER and the kids, that could be concerning because it could mean he is NOT over her and is wanting the illusion of family for the children, which in the end can actually be more confusing to them.
If your relationship is new (i.e. less than one year), then he's being responsible not to integrate you too quickly into their lives, because young children need stability more than anything, and it's a wise parent who doesn't introduce a partner before things have become long-term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): Well that's one way of handling it. What's going on, does he still live with her? My sister met her husband when he was seperated but still living with his now ex wife. And like you his kids were young, 1 and 3 years old. She was faced with the same problem their first holiday as a couple. He spent it with his wife and kids, not her. A few months later he and his wife physically split up. And shortly thereafter he and my sister moved in together. From there on forward, he spent holidays with my sister, at that point his soon to be wife, and he split his time with his kids every week. One week his ex would have them, the next week he and my sister would. He and his ex both agreed their relationship was over, unsalvageable and parted ways maturely and amicably. He and his ex did not lie to the kids and pretend to still be a nuclear family. Even though they were still babies, they never lacked love and adjusted to having two loving households instead of one. That gave their parents the opportunity to part ways and seek their own happiness while being there for the children at all times. My sister was as important a priority to my brother in law as his kids were. My sister loves his kids and treats them as her own. It is not true that when dealing with a man with children, you will never come first. But don't treat this like a numbers game, a competition or a race. It's not about who's better, who comes first, who's more important. It is about treating the situation maturely and having everybody's best interest at heart. Your boyfriend actually does not have to be around his ex because the kids are young. He chooses this arrangement, as you see and I explained above, there are other healthy options. So as you see, he is putting them first and you, I don't know where he is putting you but it's somewhere outside the picture. He should put them first and put you first, as well. My guess is that maybe he doesn't see his relationship with you as seriously as you do. Cause if he did, he wouldn't leave you behind and alone. He'd find a way to include you. This has nothing to do with having kids or their age or anything like that. This has to do with someone who's not giving you any priority because he simply chooses not to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): I understand where you're coming from and these feelings are natural. You're not selfish. I too am in a long term relationship with a man who has a daughter and I never feel that I or we come first. I too have a child and know I must give equal attention to all relationships in my life. It's a balancing act and sometimes if custody is shared, men feel it necessary to give all their attention to the kids when they have them. Maybe feeling bad as they don't get to see them all the time. My question of you is why wouldn't you be able to involve yourself in their lives during holidays? If he cared for you in the least bit, he would want to include you. It may be time to re-evaluate the relationship just so you don't have to feel like this and can truly be happy!
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