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I'm dating someone who says he is speaking to others. How do I take that?

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Question - (7 August 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid readers

I have went a date with someone recently, he said that's he's speaking to other woman.

How do I take this?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2018):

I agree with Honeypie and ycnbs maybe because we are of the same generation that when you dated someone you stopped seeing others. Infact in those times it was disrespectful to do so. We dated only one person at a time even if it wasn't serious. If I am in your shoes I will not see him again and let him go to his other woman. No thank you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYears ago few would have behaved in this way, let alone owned up to it openly. Nowadays things seem to be slightly different for some people. The "rules" of dating seem to have changed. For many it is now OK to see/date others until they agree to be "exclusive" with one person. Although this is not something with which I am familiar personally, I do (sort of) see the sense in it. After all, many "relationships" don't get past the first few dates so, to me, it takes the pressure off both parties at the beginning. It means BOTH parties are free to date others until such time as they agree otherwise.

This guy has been honest and up-front with you. You have only been on one date with him. It is not like you have been dating a while and have been meeting up regularly and he has suddenly dropped this bombshell.

In your shoes, assuming you enjoyed your first date, I would see him again and see where things lead. It may be that you will only have a small number of dates and one, or both, of you will decide there is no future for you. However, if you find you are still getting on a few months down the line, then you can bring up the subject of exclusivity. If he still insists on seeing other women, then it is your choice to walk away.

I have to assume he has told you this to be honest, so you know the full situation. However, it is possible he has said this to manipulate you (thinking/hoping you will "try harder" if you feel you have "competition") or that he is a "player" and will ALWAYS have numerous women on the go. If he starts saying "well, the others do this or that", run as fast as you can. IF you decide to have sex with him, make sure you use effective contraception because he is obviously not going to hang around if you become pregnant.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (8 August 2018):

janniepeg agony auntIt is distasteful because he has no reasons for telling you this. What he does in his private time is his own business, up until you two decide to be official. I would take that he's only telling you this to appear that he has options, so he is not desperate.

He could also be telling you this so you won't come on full with him. There are nicer ways to do this without adding other women in the mix. In the business of dating, there are etiquettes to follow. It is indeed the path to romance so a gentleman should not treat you like a client in a business deal, in a cold manner.

I understand that in the modern world, it is common for people to date a few at once but I would not accept that as a cultural norm. In France, this tactless guy would not go anywhere. French people get offended when they know they are not the only one.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt depends. It makes sense, in the early stages, not to solely speak to one person. However, if it's going well after a couple of dates, it also makes sense to see where it goes and stop with the others.

Thing is, OP, if you've only been on one date, how do you know there will be another? If there isn't, you have nobody else you're getting to know and have to start from scratch - one at a time.

That said, to me, there's a difference between getting to know 2 at once and getting to know 3+. I also think they need to be honest about it and not be "sexting" or anything along those lines.

If I'd only been talking to someone for a week and they told me they were still talking to someone else they'd only been talking to for a short time, I wouldn't mind. If I'd been talking to them for a month and been on a couple of dates, I would mind. By the time I'd started caring, though, it means it's time to establish whether we both want to be exclusively dating or not. I think that's where you're at now.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhile it is (for many) pretty much the "norm" for dating these days that people think if they talk to as MANY options as possible the bigger the chance of meeting the "right one" is. I find it so distasteful. Mostly because they are NOT all that focused on getting to know YOU as you are on getting to know them.

Many people believe that talking with several people at the same time isn't really that "bad", as long as here is no sex going on. For me, personally, that comes down to WHAT else is going on.

Is he new to the dating site experience?

Or is he just really juggling several ladies at the same time?

You ask... How do I take this?

How do you WANT to take it?

While it's a given that he can't know instantaneously if YOU are a good match, is he prepared to spend enough time with you to figure that out? Or will he be distracted by all the other women he is chatting up?

Entirely up to you. If you aren't into a guy who thinks the more he chats to the bigger HIS chance of finding a good one, then don't continue. If he seems like there is some qualities to him you like/enjoy keep with the talking but KEEP sex out of the picture until you are exclusive.

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