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I'm dating a 48 year old man who lives in utter filth and doesn't know what he wants from life

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2018) 14 Answers - (Newest, 18 April 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, *nonem writes:

I've Been seeing a 48 year old man for about 5 weeks now. He is not physically attractive in anyway. I looked past all this because I am actually pursuing a serious relationship and my criteria isn't based on looks. It would help but doesn't matter.

I am half his age. The first time we met, he was really shaky. Maybe nervous because I am well abovr average in looks. I didn't feel anything for him on the first date but didn't dismiss him because he is well mannered and who says there can not be a spark later.

On our second date. From nowhere, he planted a kiss on my lips which I was kind of taken aback. To me, I felt he was so into me and the next thing would be him asking me for sex subliminally. He didn't even know my real name. But i let it slide. We had a nice dinner and at the end he walked me to my door and forced another awful kiss on my lips.

The third date was at some restaurant and we went back to his place and had sex. It was so uneventful but i endured. On getting into his home, I couldn't but notice how filthy it was. For a so called professional, he lived like a 20 year old frat boy. Maybe that's why the sex was awful as i couldn't wrap my head around the filth. His toilet has years of dried poop on it. His bathtub was filthy and brown. His closet, and rooms were littered with dirty and clean clothes. His kitchen was scattered. Cat hair everywhere and his cat was dirty. His pool was green. I made sure to tell him I was displeased and the next time I went to his home, he cleaned up a little bit but you can only truly hide filth to an extent.

I appreciated his effort to clean up but what kind of man who is almost 50 lives like that and calls himself a professional.

We had like 5 dates in total with multiple sex in 3 out of 5 dates. But he constantly wants to see me every time. I explained my work situation to him but he still expects me to give him time which I think he doesnt deserve.

I expected that the time we've spent talking on phone and meeting in person is enough for him to know if he's ready for the next step. He still wants to hang out an hour on weekdays for coffee when he's seen me naked a lot of times. It offends me a lot. He's not a 25 year old I will date for months. I expected him to be able to take the next step after all the time and effort i invested in seeing him but he still wants to hangout and sleep with me like I'm some puzzle.

I asked if he wanted kids, he said if it happens or not hes fine. I definitely don't want to have kids with a 50 year old man. I expect that if i date A man this age, after a year of relationship, we should be married. He's not a kid. But he can't seem to make up his mind and it upsets me.

I gave him a piece of my mind yesterday about his toilet and filthy house. I asked him what he was working for because he has no responsibilities or is he in debt. What kind of man doesn't know if he wants kids at 48 but you want to date a 24 year old. He has nothing yo eat in his home not even coffee. He eats out but if i would sleep over, he couldn't even get something to eat. I ate once that day i spent in his home. I was so mad.

He always freaks out when i say I don't wanna meet up which is why I went all hell on him yesterday and I do not care how he feels. I felt relieved after speaking my mind and he thought I disrespected him and deceived him maybe because of the sex I dont know. And he always has an excuse for his filth.

Even if i will agree to go on his multiple dates again, I'm never sleeping with him again. How can a man sleep with a woman multiple times and not know if he wants to date her?

View related questions: debt, spark

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A female reader, anonem United States + , writes (18 April 2018):

anonem is verified as being by the original poster of the question

anonem agony auntJust to clarify somethings. I wrote this in the heat of my anger. Yes, I might be desperate to settle down but he is a very gentle and kind man. Both of us are actively seeking a real long term relationship but I guess i can't imagine being stuck with the filth I'd have to clean up every now and then.

I never asked to go to his house. We had the conversation about me sleeping over before the third date a week before so he had all week to clean up but didn't.

He doesn't smell. He has good body hygiene just a little bad breath. I domt expect him to propose after 5 weeks of going on dates. I just expect him to be sure he wanted to be in a relationship because we talked about a lot and got to know each other a lot.

I just want a man that can take care of himself and handle situations. I guess thats why I tend to go for older men because the dating culture doesn't seem to fit me. Many people my age are still at bars having one night stands. I'm planning my future right now. I don't want to be 30 just starting a plan. I'm not particular about dating older men per say but if i am in a relationship with one, i wont be in a relationship for a long time before we take the next step unlike being with someone close to my age. We could probably date for 10 years and a lot my age aren't set in their ways or mindset. At least those I've met.

I've stopped seeing him and he's hurt i guess. Decided to respect myself. Thanks for your input

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

Are you living on the streets and desparately want your own home?

Perhaps you think you could appropriate his home if he married you first.But consider this..maybe this man is just squatting in the house until the rightful owners return, or maybe they are at the bottom of the garden.

Why should he marry you?

He knows you dispise him and he is just waiting to get sick of your sex and then he will let you join those at the bottom of the garden.

Drop this aged squatter!

He is filth.

Dont clean his house!

Just never go back and ask the homeless unit of your city if they can fix you up with a hostel and a room with its own key.

Poor you...what a dreadful situation you are in, but if you stay away from his den of filth you might survive and live to laugh at your desparate exploits.

You deserve a real man or boy of your own age because the sex would be better.

You dont need his house.

You need time to sort out yourself so that you can find true happiness one day.

Get help! Get away from him.And stay away.

He will be booted out of his dwelling very soon.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

I am more interested in knowing what is on this list of qualities you actually do go for. Yes i get it that looks are not important and it is the actual person, however taking that aside he seems to have repulsed you from the start so surely you must have known there was no 'Chemistry'? As for his lifestyle, i have to say i disagree with some of the comments, we don't know his back ground, he could have been in a relationship for years and she left him, he maybe lives that way because he has let himself go and given up. But either way you are almost certainly not 'The one' for him. It seems you must have met on a dating site online to have gone on the first date and he be nervous and i hazard a guess you pushed to go to his house, i doubt very much he would have left the place in the mess you describe had he of thought he was going to pull. If you think you are so much better why the hell are you even going there with this man? I have to ask but is money and stability the reason why? Because you sure do allude to him working and being a professional. I think you need to get off your high horse and do yourself and him a favor and leave him be. Hopefully you will meet a man who reaches your expectations and he smartens himself up and dates someone who wants to support him and respect him so he can grow and be happy, you sure as hell are not the one for him, it works both ways!! And lastly maybe you should question why you are having sex willingly with men you don't like or are attracted to. If you want to really settle with a man i would seriously reevaluate your list and look at your own morals, i doubt very much you will find happiness and love the way you are thinking!!

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntIf you don't care about looks, that's perfectly fine, but don't date someone that disgusts you just to prove to yourself and others that you don't care about looks. There are plenty of average to unattractive guys that make a good living that also keep a clean house and have good personal hygiene. Find those guys and date them instead. Don't try to change someone. Find smoeone who's already what you're looking for. It's better that way.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony aunt"Anonymous 123" beat me to it and said everything I was thinking as I read your post.

This man is what he is. I suspect the fact he has an expensive house (I am guessing, as he has a pool - filthy or otherwise) is why you are even bothering dating him at all.

I find your whole post puzzling. For example, who demands to know from someone they are not even attracted to or dating properly how many children they want? And what on earth does "asking me for sex subliminally" mean?

I suspect you may have set yourself a goal to be married by a certain age and time is running out so you are desperately trying to force someone totally unsuitable into the role you have planned in your imagination.

Step away from this man before it all ends in disaster - for both of you. Leave him to his filthy house (I was shuddering as I read your description and fail to understand why you go back for more) and find someone more suitable.

I would advise "chilling" a bit about the whole marriage/relationship situation and not having a set timetable why which time things "should" happen. Every relationship is different and every person is different. Other will not go along with your timetable just to suit you (unless they are a doormat and desperate).

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 April 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI'm saying this in the nicest possible way, it's you who needs help more than him. There's no other explanation for your behaviour. Why on earth you'd willingly want to date and marry a man who you yourself have denigrated (and rightly so) at every step, is the biggest question here. As one aunt says, either your self esteem is so low that you think you can't do better or this is a challenge for you. Either way, this is extremely strange, unhealthy behaviour on your part.

I'm guessing you met him online because you say he didn't even know you're real name till the second date. I hope you know how risky your behaviour is, because you're willing to sleep with potential strangers who absolutely don't fit your bill and then are looking for marriage and commitment despite not liking anything about the guy. I honestly don't think the guy is a "problem" in any way..

He is how he is and he has no apologies about it... but I do think you need to seriously re-assess your priorities.

All in all, he's not he one that needs help here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

Whoah... hold on there.

Let me ask you - after 5 dates and several sexual intercourses with this man, are YOU already SURE that you want to marry him abd have kids with him? You already stated that you don't want to have kids with a 50 year old man... Do you not want kids at all or do you just not want kids with HIM?

Girl, it takes time to get to know each other to see if you want to be in a committed exclusive relationship, then it takes more time to really get to know each other and understabd each other to determine whether you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Regardless of whether a person is 20 or 50 years old, this time is still required. You can't expect the man to propose to you after 5 dates????

Girlfriend material are girls who you wine and dine and do whatever she requests to keep her happy. Fun times, good times etc. Good wife material is a woman who will go thru the good and bad times with her man. You think his house needs cleaning, well instead of complaining about it, why not set aside a few hours during the weekend and CLEAN WITH HIM! Clean together, wash and fold clothes together, go grocery shopping and fill his fridge with basics, cook at home together. I'm not saying you have to do it every weekend and I'm not asking you to be his maid. You can start and ask him to maintain it.

If you're just girlfriend material you'll sit there and complain, but if you're wife material you will work with him to make things comfortable for the both of you. What do you want to be? Girlfriend or Wife?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

I'm sorry, but why are you involved with him? You're not attracted to him in any way. You don't even like him. I understand you want to settle down and have kids, but this guy is a 48 year old with basically no apparent interest in anything or anyone. Doesn't sound like a good match for you - or any other woman. I'm guessing he does have some kind of serious psychological problem and I feel sorry about that. But nothing is an excuse for him to do things like forcing kisses on you or not even trying to make you feel comfortable at his home. You say he is well-mannered, but he is displaying abusive behavior. Even if he did have good manners, I think that's not reason enough to turn a guy into a husband or boyfriend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

oh well...the question is for you my dear: how come YOU have sex with a filthy man that disguises you so much? all what are you saying does not make any sense ANY SENSE. If you describe his house as a trash can literally I can not imagine how is his hygiene? This is nasty. You must respect yourself. You don't give sex like a hot bread. You don't like this man. He is a nasty man and he is using you like a cheap street woman. The first time you went to his place you saw how nasty this man is and you still kept sleeping with him?! Wake up girl respect yourself and find a clean nice man for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou are dating a "fixer upper" not the guy you really want - so you try with all your might to fit those square peg into a round hole so HE can be what you want.

It's not realistic.

So you want marriage and kids... Then why date this seemingly loser? He is 48! and single! for a REASON. Women his own age won't touch him with a 50 foot pole.

Sex has nothing to do with dating - sort of.. If you have SEX before you have a relationship, then WHY should he bother dating you or take this more serious?

You seem to have some standards as to WHAT you want in a guy and relationship but you don't stick to them. You date an older guy in hopes that you can "hurry" along the marriage part and kids. That won't work.

Wish him well. Re-tune your standards, your expectation and take a little time to look at yourself. WHAT do you have to offer? The fact that you are 24 is great, but not something men should worship or bow down to.

You are trying to play house with an older man who is filthy, unfit, doesn't really take care of himself and the sex is meeeh.. so what the HECK are you doing with him?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (15 April 2018):

mystiquek agony auntThe big question is WHY are you even bothering? There are tons of men on the planet. Why go out with someone that you are so turned off by? Its not like he's the only left man left on the planet. There is no logic behind this unless you are incredibly shy and lonely and too afraid to seek out someone better suited for you. I'd rather be lonely than go out with the man you are describing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

Reading somewhat between the lines of your post, the only things that I can see that would make you want to see this person at all are that:

a. You are pursuing a serious relationship and 'looks' are no part of your criteria (although you don't say what your criteria are).

b.He has no responsibilities and is not in debt - and this seems like something that makes him attractive to you.

c. He does not want to have kids / is indifferent - it seems that this is what you want too?

It does seem that you want to get married after about a year of seeing someone - you mention this possibility in your post - and it frustrates you that you don't think he will know if he wants to.

Apologies but this sounds kind of nuts on your part. If you are young, above average in terms of looks, don't like the way this man kisses you or has sex with you, he lives in a filthy home and doesn't feed you properly...what on earth are you doing with him? Either you have a mental health issue that you are not aware of or admitting to, or your self esteem is so very diminished that you are willing to put up with awful behaviour just to feel that you have a chance of being married, or you want to put yourself into the role of 'carer' (though you don't sound very caring to be honest) or you want a challenge. Other than this, I honestly cannot see why you would be with him for even a second.

On his side, I totally agree with the other respondent that he sounds like he is on the autism spectrum - the issues with organisation and bad hygiene can often be signs (I know from experience of dating someone on this spectrum) and that inability to look into the future is also a very strong signal. If he is on this spectrum he will be totally baffled by the idea of working as a team, will not have a normal range of empathy and will be, frankly, extremely hard work.

The situation sounds loopy. I don't know what to advise because your rationale on this just doesn't make sense at all - maybe go and see a counsellor / mental health worker..?

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (15 April 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntLook, the guy may have some personal issues/ fundamental character flaw/ aspergers, some other social ineptitude, even messed up psychological stuff..but the point is you clearly have nothing but dislike and disdain for him, so why are you keeping him around?

Being very attractive may give you a free pass to mess people around but you don't need to take that pass.. and it makes you a lesser attractive and good person to keep someone around just to make them feel bad about themselves.

You know there's no future for various reasons so do the decent thing and end it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

I have to ask, why are you dating him? You've only seen him a couple of times and all you are doing is putting him down. If you aren't interested in him and the way he is (albeit a little unorthodox lifestyle of his), then why pursue it any further? I would advise you to evaluate yourself before taking anything further, as you're not coming across the best by what you've explain.

And in answer to your final question, a person (man or woman), can sleep with someone multiple times and still not want to commit. We live in a society where we are more free to live our lives how we like, so if he doesn't want to commit, then that's his choice and you have to decide if it's worth the effort to continue further with someone who is on the fence.

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