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I'm crazy about her but she's married! She says she feels 'something' but is commited to her marrige. What can I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 January 2007) 17 Answers - (Newest, 5 May 2010)
A female Ireland age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm a single guy in my thirties. Last year i met this great woman at a place i don't go to very often. I asked her out as i thought she was lovely and amazing. She refused as she's married.

A couple of months ago, i met with her again at the same place, not by design. We got to talking, and thought we could be friends. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. She said her husband was a jealous guy, but that she felt she should be able to have male friends and was going to try to get him to understand. We didn't make much contact after that; i didn't want her husband reading my messages and getting the wrong idea. Or rather, the right idea i guess: i'm completely crazy about this woman. The last time we met a couple of weeks ago (we don't meet by arrangement, her husband wouldn't like it) i confessed my attraction to her. She said she felt 'something' but that she was committed to her marriage. What can i do? I'm now staying away from that place where we usually run into one another, but she's always in my head. It's driving me mad!

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A male reader, Nogames4u United States +, writes (5 May 2010):

I could be that guy, Back off, let her end the relationship first. If not he may hunt you down like a dog with rabbies.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010):

Dude, I'm in the same vote you're in only I wasn't as brave. I've known her for about 8 months. See her every day. The way she smiles at me brightens up my day like you wouldn't believe. I love her in a way that I haven't felt in years.

But, she's married. She's always talking about how she needs to move away from her husband and how she can't stand much more. Yet, it's been 8 months she's been saying this, and yet she's still with him. Finally, last week, I stopped talking to her. Sure I'd say hello, good morning, etc. But I'm avoiding her with every move I make in hopes that I can push her away so that I might not have to deal with her as much. She doesn't know how I feel, but to me, I look at it as a sign that there has always been a line I would never cross. Going after a married woman is one of those lines. No matter how hopeful she would realize how I felt and leave her husband for me. It's not a chance that I'm willing to take for a chance at nothing at all.

It hurts like hell. You have no idea. But as the old saying goes, "It's better to loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010):

i understand you , trust me i do i am in the same position , it is wrong to wreck a family but if she really interest in you and feel like you are the one who can take care and protect you she will be with you , the marriage and divorce rate in the usa is the highest in the world , u only live once , and if you feel there is no other way u have to go for it

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010):

stay away brother, i know, been there done that.. if she wasnt married totally diff. story.. it also seems like you are the one doing more pursueing than she is.. this is one of those cases where you have to let her lead you into her arms/bed, not the other way around, this would be ok, but let her make ALL the decisions, dont force it, but you did do the right move and let her know.. but thats it man, dont take it any further unless she is doing the moving.

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A female reader, lonelyinheart Poland +, writes (21 March 2010):

I"m still married too,but my marriage is broken.

All i want to say to all is--- TRY!If she is not happy too -you"ll lose YOUR chance. ;)

:)

good luck

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A female reader, nightwalker United States +, writes (22 August 2009):

nightwalker agony auntYou poor man.. you have falling in love with this person... you misery has begun. Yes you love her and every time you see her your hearts beets like crazy. You can't stop going to that place because you are afraid that she might pass one day and you wont get to see her. But you see that stops you from living your life...i know exactly what you are going thru... i was like that i told the person and now we are somehow dating. The person has a child so its hard for him to leave. You have to realize that she might say that she loves you or that she wants to be with you and not him. But when they do it... does she really think or care about you..??? My advise to you is to run as far as you can from her,... itll be hard but you must.. itll rip your heart out but believe me itll be less pain than if you continue. Try to live you life.. if she is worth it and if she really feels something about you when you'll be gone than shell notice the difference and run to you...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007):

I too Have met the most Beautiful Woman, she means the world to me, yet like yourself She is in a relationship, we have both admitted our feelings to each other yet mine remain sedated less I add more pressure to her /our situation. She asked that we cool things down so that she can think clearly, and I agree with the above that I would rather be there to pick her up after and “IF” things go bad than BE the reason they split. I will cherish the short time we spent together for ever. And my only regret is that I didn’t act earlier BEFORE she met Him. (What is true love anyway?) Acceptance?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007):

I guess I'm the only dissenter. You only live once. If she's really happy in her marriage, then you don't stand a chance. Otherwise, it's her cross to bear, not yours.

It's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

Like I said, you only live once.

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A female reader, x..HelpfulWun..x United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2007):

x..HelpfulWun..x agony auntIf shes willing to be your friend you must except that she even knows you. you cannot force a girl to cheat. i think that you should walk away from your feelings.

if you love her the best way is to forget her, dont stay in touch before you get hurt (i.e with the husband) and she gets hurt.

it will feel like its killing you, but evenutally you will start again (looking for other women)

I hope it works.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007):

At last a girl with sense! she at least respects the marriage vows. I think you just have to walk away from this one and accept the way it is. Please do respect her and don't try to get in touch, this will only make trouble for her within her marriage. There are plenty young, free and single gorgeous women out there.

Take care

xx

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2007):

cd206 agony auntYou have to step back from this situation. She's married and she has no plans to end her marriage for you or anybody else. She loves her husband. What you're suffering from is unrequited love which is horribly painful but that we all have to go through at some time. Stop getting in touch with her and leave her to live her own life.

CD

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A female reader, Nikita United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2007):

Nikita agony auntIf she's committed to her marriage then you have to do the right thing and take a step back. It wouldnt be fair or right to keep seeing her when she wants to give her marriage a go and it certainly wouldnt be fair to her husband. I would suggest that for now, you keep away from the place where she goes and try and move on. We all have feelings for other people at times but its how we act on them that is important. If this woman's marriage breaks up then maybe then you can have a relationship. Good luck.

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A female reader, AngelofLove United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2007):

AngelofLove agony auntIf she said she felt "something", give her time and space to sort things out.

You do not want to break up a marriage and have this on your conscious the rest of your life.

This woman is trying to do the right thing, so try not to add pressure.

But the marriage does not work out, this woman will then be free to contact you again,she will respect you more for respecting her feelings.

Big hug x

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2007):

TELLULAH agony auntSorry i agree withthe others, you should stay away. If this lady one day has an arguement with her husband, she will fall back on you. All sorts could happen, and it wouldnt be fair to her or her husband. You can move on to find another, you are free after all. If she was unhappy i would say, its worth persuing. But she has given no indication of that. Of course she feels something, she is getting some attention from you. And all ladies and gentlemen like attention, its an ego boost.

But if you care about her, dont put temptation in the way, and leave her to get on with her life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007):

Hi, Ok, I undrestand that you do get attracted to people for one reason or other, that is natuar for us and nothing wrong with that. In this case considering that she is married, and commited to it, I think you got to try to forget her, and keep away. Things can get very complecated once you both step over the lines.

please try to stop it while you can, by start bumping in to attractive single girls, which are out there. try to keep away from the place and the time will help.

Good luck

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A male reader, Dagwood South Africa +, writes (19 January 2007):

Dagwood agony auntIf you love her then you'll respect her wishes. She’s committed to her marriage so leave her alone. You'll get over it! If you pursue her you might have an affair but it will all end in tears.

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A female reader, melschatbox United States +, writes (19 January 2007):

melschatbox agony auntBoy, can I relate. I'm a married gal and can't get another guy out of my head. Nothing has come of us and we do not converse on the phone anymore and our email exchanges are becoming less and less everyday. I last heard from him 3 weeks ago. We also said that we felt "something".

Here's what he did for me....He told me he could not and would not hinder my relationship with my husband. And, while I was married we could never meet in person. (we met online only) He bowed out gracefully as I did not have the strength to do so myself. I respected him even more for that. If she is devoted to her marriage...you should respectfully step back. I suppose we will always meet other people that we are connected to through chemistry. And, that's what you're feeling a chemistry connection. If she ever leaves her marriage ..maybe then you 2 can get together. But, yes stay away from the usual meeting place as it will eventually get the two of you into trouble.! Best Wishes.

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