A
male
age
41-50,
*oatswalk
writes:I am a MAN, and I have realized how stupid I am!I am married, since 4yrs and I don't know why? I grew up in a single parent home and I am having major challenges in understanding the needs of a home, wife, family, etc.I am a good person. I love almost everyone I come in contact with. I have, since I was a kid, always dreamed of a better life for myself and my family.However, I don't know what it means to not be a free person anymore, b/c I never grew up in a married home.I feel this, regardless of how many degrees I attain in life, this(marriage) will be my most difficult challenge if I have to do it on my own.I am finishing up Law school at one of the top 3 law schools in the U.S. I have been blessed with a gift to succeed in books, personal goals, etc.Here's the situation. I am married to a women, who when we were dating, developed a history in our relationship, by going through my emails to see if I was a cheater at that point. What she found was the facts of me having an experience with two girls, finding old pictures of me with other women in my personal boxes; before me and her started getting serious. I lost a lot of interest in her when she started this but I still had hope for relationship recovery for us but it never became like the first time.She recently told me, she's with me until I screw up once more and she out. Well, I don't know what she's waiting for b/c if she feels I have the capacity to screw up, then she should bounce, but it's her decision and life-not mine.I am tired and confused, and furthermore, I am sick of her sister living with us......looking like my wife, when I first met my wife. However, it is tempting but I know I shouldn't go there and I won't. So, tell me what have I done to my LIFE?THANKS Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): RHYTHMNandBLUES, you're very real. I will seek out those books, and further, I will seek professional help to attain some perspective on my relationship.
I may post often with updates!
PM.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): I like Enziain's answer, and it is very true what he said about love between a man and a woman.
I have another suggestion for you, since you grew up with a single mother, without a father figure, you can still learn to be a father to yourself....there are a lot of good books out there for men on this very thing, one of them is the book by Michael J. Fox, Lucky Man (which doesn't seem like the right kind of book, but it is) another one I like is by Scott M. Peck, "The Road Less Traveled", this is about the meaning of love and commitment, it is pretty hard to attain the ideal in real life of this book, it takes a great deal of maturity, but it will give you insight and some ah ha moments if you take the time to read it and grasp it's deeper meanings.
Also, seek out the advice from a collegue or friend who has a marriage that you admire, and ask the sister to find an apartment....that's all I got!
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (30 June 2007):
 Hi thereHope I didn't understand you wrong! I personaly think you need to learn what it means to realy love someone and what it means to be married. And I also think, that you dont have to do everything on your own. You can get help and there is nothing bad about it. You can get some help of a serious counsellor. That will help a lot, I'm sure. You can go there on your own or together with your wife, just as you like and as you think would help more.For about your wife sister living with you, you should talk to your wife and tell her that you would like to be on your own just with her and enjoy just the company with her and not. I think she should understand you in this point and give in. If she doesn't understand you, she would need to learn a lot about marriage herself!I would like to try to explain what I learnt about different aspects of love to you:- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.You can compare love with driving in a sport car. You have a new car (thats when you are falling in love with someone) and you drive on a road very fast. On the back of your car there is a very nice cloud of dust (your feelings) dispersed from the road. You are having lots of fun and very much enjoy this cloud of dust. But then there suddenly you see a cloud on the sky and it starts to rain. The cloud of dust disappears. Now you can make your decision: You can stopp your car and buy a new one (leave your partner and go with someone else) or you can drive on (stay with your partner) and hope that the rain will stop and the road will dry and the cloud of dust will dispersed from the road again. But if you change the car, you can be sure that also in the new car one day it will rain. To make the decision to love someone really and deeply, you must know this person personally. But it is not enough to know the other person, you also must know yourself very well. You must understand that nobody is perfect so one also needs to know the one's and the others quirks and to accept them. If you truly love someone then you respect this person for who he or she is. You love the person itselfe and not the great dream of it. And you don't want to change the person, but accept every bit of it. You don't have to agree with everything, but you can life with it. Misunderstandings are allowed and you may have some arguments, and even then you love the other person wholly. You can talk about everything and share your innermost thoughts and worries and there is a mutual understanding (or at least you try to understand the reverse side and accept it). Everyone can really trust the other one. Noone needs to wear a mask. Both parts can be their selfes and don't need to dissimulate.If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. But today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him or her to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): Why does this sound so familiar? Does your wife know how you feel? Is there a reason why does the things she does? Have you cheated on her? Or is she just insecure about herself? It seems you have a lot of things going on in your life. Going to law school, maintaining a family, making things work with your wife, or at the least and on top of that, your feelings about your life are scattered. Seems like you don't know when to come or go. It may be you're going thru a midlife crisis. It may seem you want to leave your wife but are comfortable with the situation for right now. Something has to out weigh the other. You have to find yourself before finding love in someone else. It is not fair for your wife and especially yourself to be in this situation to where things can be worked out. It takes two. Before I left my daughter's father, he was going thru a midlife crisis. Being kicked out the navy,losing his career, he cheated on me, his kids are depressed, etc...he started to shut down. His depression effected us. He decided I wasn't enough. I was the one that maintained the household, I was the one took responsibility of what a man should take upon, etc. I didn't get one thank you from him or his kids and pregnant on top of that with my first child and his third. Discuss the issue with your wife.
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