A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I posted some time ago. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-this-over-committing-to-him-.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-19-years-old-an-age-where-it.htmlIn my previous questions, I basically had an argument with my parents which led them to seeing where I stand about relationships etc. And so they told me not to over-commit meaning I do not just limit myself and give all my focus onto one etc. And of course, studies come first at all times. I have always prioritised it over everything. So currently, I am on holiday (summer break) and well I do not really have much to do as I am going for a summer programme soon. And seeing my parents have told me not to over-commit and I have not. I've hung out with him like once a week? is that too much? He and I had a chat and we both did agree that we could see each other and ultimately, there's nothing to rush between us and of course we would put our studies before anything. -- I purposely had the talk with him before giving him any false hope and make sure that we see eye to eye on this. so it was a good that we agreed on things. However, I am going out with him tomorrow but when I told my parents about my plan for the day which is having lunch and probably go for a walk in the mall since we have nothing going on. My parents were a bit unwilling to let me go? They said "why are you going out again?" and I said 'why not, I have nothing to do' and my dad said in response "You like" in cantonese which means up to you whether I wanna go out or not but it's not a very nice response in cantonese. It's kind of a rude tone/unwilling to let me go thing. So I kinda feel uneasy. I kinda feel like he's going back on what he said to me when I told my parents where I stood about this matter. I predicted something like this would happen and I'm not sure how I should feel about it. I feel like it's always going to be battle between my parents and the topic of guys. I know I'm young and I should focus on studies and I am doing that. I'm just constantly wondering why my parents are like that because I have girl friends who are exactly the same age as I am and they are also the youngest in their family and yet their parents are not so protective like mine. and I know its natural for parents to be protective. So I'll just give an example, its like my girl friends parents would usually step in when they have major decisions to make and support them and so on. Mine kinda makes the decision for me and always uses the "I know what's best for you" thing on me. -- I know the e.g. does not exactly talk about being overprotective, but it's a way to show how my parents are. In case you are wondering, I do have other friends in uni but they are from different states and they've all gone home so I'm kinda alone here with nobody else to hang out with. and honestly, I can't be at home 24/7 at the same time, kinda feels unhealthy and my parents don't wanna do anything together. so... usually when I'm home, I'll watch tv shows while they watch tv as well. they're not into travelling or going out. ultimately, I'm conflicted on what to do or what to feel at this point. I'm really sorry if I am ranting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): OP, parents have their reasons for their parenting-style. It is not just based on failure from a previous sibling; but also depends on your personality. What they see in you that may require some extra guidance. They trust you more than they're letting on. You are exceptionally bright and articulate. I believe you; but you are not understanding me, nor your parents.
Parents, not all parents, but more responsible parents change how they parent after the first child. They learn from mistakes and sometimes they do get heavy-handed. Culture and society will allow much more for your brother; than they will for you. You don't need to educate me on your culture; I've grown-up with it my entire life; and my friends teach me about their Chinese-culture, traditions, and their parents old-school ways all the time. My friend's are second-generation; and born in the United States.
Their parents speak Mandarin and Cantonese. They rarely speak English. Lovely people. My friend and his wife run their four family-businesses; his father sticks his hand in now and then. They have four kids. Two teenage boys, and two younger girls. Their kids are all under 18! They already see laziness and self-centered attitudes in their sons. So the light-handed more permissive and modern-style they once had; is now much more strict. They noticed them becoming materialistic, greedy, and mimicking the behavior of their spoiled friends. They are a handful, but they are good kids.
Their sons would agree to your posts. They call their parents gestapo! Yet they have the latest devices, video games, travel; and can go on shopping-sprees for clothes and anything they want. Their grandparents were dirt-poor and built a family-business as a legacy. The boys want motorcycles; and the oldest asked for a trip to Europe with his friends this summer. They don't even want to work or earn their own money this summer! So their parents have their hands full; but they are smart, and somewhat reliable. I would say their kids are going to turn out great.
You have to be more appreciative and understanding. Your parents want the best for you. They will struggle with letting go; but they will let go when they're good and ready. If they do it too soon; they will blame themselves for what goes wrong for you. They can't bear doing that to you.
Your brother will be fine; women have to work twice as hard to get what a man can expect. You don't see that; but they do. Women can't count on getting husbands and reliable partners; because it's acceptable for men to be immature; and avoid commitment and responsibility. Because it's the modern-way. It's acceptable universally in all cultures!
Try to be more understanding and less resentful. Time and patience always brings reward. Show responsibility, and less resistance. You're already practically an adult; and they will soon have no choice. They will still love you so much that they may hold-on too tight.
If you show little respect for my wisdom; I can see why your parents put their foot down. You can always get emancipated; and take care of yourself. Pay for your own schooling, shelter, food, and clothing. Nothing is stopping you from leaving home to fend for yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): Dear WiseOwlE, Honestly, everything I wrote is not even characterising my parents in a certain way. It’s the truth all the way. From everything they said to everything to do. I don’t hate my parents and do not expect them to be permissive on everything. If you need to know a bit more about myself, I’m literally the type of person that spends almost 24/7 with their parents unless I’m in school. No joke. So suddenly me wanting to go out is a change. Also, if you must know, I realised that they’re particularly focused on me because of my older brother who turned out to be a “disappointment” to them. And in the Chinese culture, they’ve pushed this burden onto my shoulders to ensure that I bring “face” to the parents. “Face” kinda means like pride or respect. I guess that’s why they are the way they are towards me. Then again I’m NOT asking them to be a buddy to me but I am wishing for them to calm down and loosen up a little and not think that every single guy is going to jump my bones. Like I’ve said, spoke to the guy and told him my position as well. And he’s okay with it and understands. I mean I made it clear and if he doesn’t wanna go out anymore cuz he wants more than what I can give, that’s fine with me. So in a conclusive manner, I’m actually not making things up here, I am honest to god telling you all exactly what my parents say or do towards me. I’m actually very conflicted with how to deal with them. My friends parents they’re not the permissive kind either but they are definitely more open and actually listen to their children’s reasoning. And that’s the plain truth. Whenever I try to reason with my parents, they’ve always think that my reasoning isn’t valid or would not be good as theirs. - - so yeah what can I do about a situation like that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): You have truly gone out of your way to characterize your parents as unstable, foolish, and totally unreasonable people.
We give advice, but we are not here to instruct minors or young people how to rebel against their parents; nor how to circumvent their parental-authority. Especially young people still financially-dependent on their parents; and not yet legally-recognized as an adult.
You are beginning to come across like a girl who hates her parents; and you must give them a great deal to worry about. YOU are the child, and THEY are the parents. They do not need you to school them on parenting. I think they are better at it than you are! They have the experience, and you are new to this world. They know how to make decisions that are based on better judgement. Too bad you don't like their parenting-style; but you are alive and well enough to complain about it. Over and over!
You don't like your parents; because they're not permissive and sloppy like the other parents you know.
Those same parents who let their kids run and takeover their homes. Until sooner or later, they end-up broke and humiliated. Possibly behind some serious trouble, or mistake they had to clean-up after their kids. That's when they suddenly decide to become strict and demanding; once they're too old! They trust them too soon; then blame their kids!
I know a kid who lost his scholarship; for running with the wrong kids. Now his parents have to pay for his education. They also went on vacation, and left him in-charge. The police ended-up at their house for noise-complaints for their neighbors; for a party they knew nothing about! They trusted him!
The other parents you know are probably the "buddy-type" parents who let their kids smart-off at them; while coming and going as they please. They have little time to be parents; because they are too busy working and making money! Their children live less structured and unsupervised lives. They're usually spoiled; and receive less discipline or guidance from their parents. They are more likely to take foolish risks, flunk, or quit school; and hide their mistakes from their parents. Which could cost their parents heartache, embarrassment, and a lot of money!
You are ungrateful. You don't appreciate the love your parents have for you. You want to run loose, and you'll only make a lot of bad decisions; because you've still got a lot to learn. It's not you who will make the bad decision; but you will be coerced and influenced by the others! They are already telling you how awful your parents are; compared to theirs. Yours love you more than theirs do! They know what struggle is, and they don't want you to have to.
Stop making your parents out to be total idiots; and show them more respect. When it comes to dating boys, they should rule with an iron-fist. Boys don't get pregnant, girls do!
Boys walk-away from pregnant-girls; leaving them to be single-mothers. You are not shackled in the basement of your house. Your parents offer you structure, guidance, and protection. They expect you to behave with dignity, have poise, receive a good education; and they are raising you to be respected, smart, and successful.
They DO know what's best for you. When you turn 21, and paying your own bills; you can tell them to back-off, and stay out of your business.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 June 2018):
 You've made some progress with your parents and your boyfriend but I suspect the next phase is deciding what not 'over committing' actually LOOKS like.
It's easier to agree to generalities.
Maybe your parents just need time to SEE that while you can meet up with your boyfriend twice or three times a week (or less if you like), you are still part of their lives and still grounded in your studies.
Now about your boyfriend, you might want to be a bit more specific with him about what these revised terms mean. Nothing carved in granite to him might mean you see each other every second day without promising to marry. To you, it might mean spending time together once a week and chatting on the phone once or twice. Make sure you really are on the same page.
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