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I'm concerned over my father's "friendship" with a younger women.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2015)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm concerned over my father's "friendship" with a younger women. Threw his work he met a girl in her late 20s. I couldn't help myself look her up on FB she's very pretty and has a toddler. My Father looks after the property's for a landlord he works for and she is a Tennant. My Dad told me that he helps her with repairs for free as she is a single mum and doesn't have the money to pay someone else. Then I later found out it's been more he has been taking her for coffee and lunch too! Should I be worried something is going on here? I really want to contact her and tell her he has a wife and family and meeting my Dad for whatever is not appropriate. Why would a girl my age want to hang out with a middle aged man anyway?

Why would my Dad do more than what he has to for her?

Not too mention the arguments this is causing my Mum and Dad.

I want to approach her and tell her to stop and see what she's doing to my family!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015):

Honeypie is quite correct about older guys around younger women. They become quite knuckle-headed and horny. Forgetful of the fact they're married, or committed to someone else; when a young, not necessarily attractive, female gives them special attention. Like being nice will magically seduce them; or put them under his spell. It's totally phony and just an excuse to get closer than necessary. Like Little Red Riding-hood and the wolf.

He is paid to handle maintenance; so special favors are going out of his way. If he doesn't do the same for all the other tenants, he's lying to you and your mother regarding his intentions. He's working to gain her favor and trust. He shouldn't have that many reasons to do so much for her; unless her flat is falling apart, and the man he works for is a slumlord. Taking her to lunch and coffee is dating!!!

He's got huge balls!!!

Let your mother handle the matter, since she's aware of it. You've expressed enough of your own opinion about his behavior; and you've gone as far as you should. Even if you can't stand to see her hurting, you wouldn't want her meddling in your personal-life. You're an adult; and so is she.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWell, OP I hope your Dad will take to heart what you said to him.

Middle-aged men (sorry guy) are sometimes REMARKABLY stupid when it comes to younger women. I don't know what it is, but I have seen it many times. All we can do is shake our heads, but there are times where they NEED a wake up call. Like with your Dad, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for him to go to lunch and coffee with her. I get he wants to help her so he fixes things for free, BUT she is not a charity either.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you Honeypie and Wiseone for your answers.

I know this is between my Mum and Dad, but seeing my Mum getting upset is making me so angry. She's my Mum.

Wiseone: yeah your right I prob wouldn't be able to control my words if I see the other girl. A part of me thought maby if she sees he has a family she might back off. Your right not the best move though.

Honeypie: I have spoken to my Dad and told him to listen to me and Mum and stay away from this women. If the scenario you gave is true then she's taking advantage of him, odd favours here and there for free? No it's not happening!

He swears to us that he won't see her again unless it's work related. Hope that's true but he has a lot of proving that to my Mum.

To the other poster, I'm a 27 year old women with my own kids, so Thank you am not having a tantrum over my dad spending time with someone else. I am angry about seeing my Mother hurting! Over my dad being a moron over some trollop! Yes messing around with a married man and hurting his family is exactly what she is amongst others!

Thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015):

It's your dad you need to talk to, not the girl! She is merely accepting kind offers of help, she isn't the one with a spouse and family. Does your mum/his wife know about this? Perhaps he sees himself as providing some support to a young woman and would like to think if his daughters were in a vulnerable position someone would extend some kindness and help.

But it clearly makes you uncomfortable and coffee and lunches seems a bit much, have a chat with him and say it's very kind but he must forget his wife and that meeting a younger woman who is not in anyway a relation or family friend is a strange situation to put the family in.

I would bet he is purely trying to be kind and helpful, and can see his own children in her and just wants to pass on some kindness but people can take advantage of that kindness.

You can't go to the girl over this he met her through work and it would be massively inappropriate to involve yourself in your father's work situation. Does he do these things for you? Are you slightly put out that, being his child, he has prioritised someone else? Have a chat with him. Have a chat with your mum (or his wife if he's not with your mum) and share your concerns she could pass then onto him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015):

I'd facebook the woman to tell her to stop accepting lunch invitations from your dad.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015):

If you feel the need to approach someone, speak to your father. Tell him how you resent the fact he is being unfaithful to your mother by inappropriately giving his time and energies to a single-woman. If you want to stir-up trouble and break your mother's heart; go ahead, approach the younger woman. Just hope she doesn't try get even with you by informing your mother before your father offers her a confession first.

Your dad is the problem, so your dialogue should be with him.

He is destroying his family, and it is evident he's more than just helping a single-mum. He's going beyond the call, and it is inappropriate for a married-man to take a single woman out for lunch and coffee; whom his spouse is purely unaware of. Lay it all out to him.

I can only warn you. He is a grown-man. He is the parent, and you are the daughter. The marital-problems between your parents is really off-limits. I advise against you getting your hands too dirty in this situation. It is your mother who has more rights to defend herself and confront your father, than anyone else in this situation.

She probably already has her suspicions. It's tempting to tell her, but warn your father first. Telling your mother should be your ultimatum. Stay away from the woman. If you want to, you can send her a letter "asking" her to stay away from your father; and inform her of the fact he is a married-man. Keep your insults and threats to yourself.

Threats will get the police involved, and your father fired.

Do not approach,confront, or threaten her under any circumstances. I doubt you will contain yourself; so I strongly recommend you do nothing where she's concerned.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015):

You have a few options here:

Speak to your father and tell him how much this is upsetting you + your Mum.

If he still isn't listening next time she needs a repair go with him and make sure she knows your parents are happily married.

I know you want to protect your Mum here, but ultimately she is the one who should decide weighed she's going to put up with him chasing some young girl.

If he is taking her out, they aren't just friends.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI understand how you feel. It's not nice seeing your father act like a moron over a woman, just to have his ego stroked.

Have you asked your dad why he thinks it's appropriate to take this chick for lunch etc.? Now he may "claim" that he is just being friendly, but we all know that is NOT really the case - it's a case of "white knight syndrome" and I'd be betting he is HOPING for her to return his "gestures" in... "trade". I bet you, he wouldn't turn her down.

The thing is, your DAD is a grown man. Your MOM is a grown woman. This is a issue in THEIR marriage. THEY need to sort it out. Any involvement from you will only cause more drama. I understand that you feel you NEED to do something. But if your parents marriage is falling apart, this girl IS not the reason. YOUR dad's behavior IS.

You ask why this girl would hang out with an older guy? Well, for one... he fixes things for free. And that only cost her a bit of flattery, batting her eyelashes and a smile. That is nice (for her).

She may have found that using her "single mom" badge gets her stuff and help. He may have found that older dude (like you dad) are suckers for some young thing "damsel in distress" act.

Do you think IF you told her to leave your dad alone, this girl would actually DO that? She has more to gain by not.

Do you think if you told your dad to stop acting like a *insert whatever you feel like calling him*, that he would stop?

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