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I'm comparing myself to his beautiful ex and feel like I don't measure up!

Tagged as: Friends, Health, Social Media, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 December 2016) 10 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2016)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 4 years and I have yet to find any flaws in his looks or personality. In being up front, this is a question based out of my own insecurities and not from something he has done or said.

He was married before to a beautiful woman who cheated on him and treated him and his family terribly. She eventually filed for divorce and broke his heart in the most devastating way. They are not facebook friends and no longer communicate, but several of his (and mine) facebook friends are still connected to her, so I see photos of her from time to time and she's still gorgeous. In fact she is modeling and several photos are online of her modeling pics, looking flawless. I know this is vain and shallow, but I catch myself comparing myself to her - I'm attractive, smart, funny, etc., but I'm also a busy mom with no photos like this and I often feel like I don't measure up to this polished princess. I'd like to hear from men on this one- do you look up your old girlfriends/wives and think "wow she looks amazing, I really missed out"? Are there reminants of your feelings that surface after you see her or bump into her? I don't believe he would leave me for her, but I am threatened by what might go on in his head when he looks at her photos or if we ever bump into her. I would hate to think for a second he feels attracted to his ex wife after what she did to him. I also wonder if his friends think the same thing, and that he possibly downgraded when he became involved with me. Again, I know it's shallow and insecurities, but I'd like to get past it and am interested if anyone else has these thoughts and how they dealt with them.

View related questions: divorce, ex-wife, facebook, his ex

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (18 December 2016):

Danielepew agony auntIt seems to me that he left her and moved on. I don't think he has her in his mind anymore. Don't see a problem where there is none.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016):

True beauty lies in a beautiful, kind and giving heart.

The most attractive person on earth physically becomes ugly very quickly once they open their mouth. Sometimes they are void of personality, kindness, empathy, having nothing to say, nothing to share, no depth or experiences of value, because all they have ever relied on or cared about was their looks. Looks fade. A beautiful heart only grows more beautiful in time.

How often has a less attractive person caught the interest of a partner? Why? Because there is just something about that person which is unique to them. You share this undeniable chemistry and bond which transcends looks. That is why people stay married for life. Because they see the depth of a person, they go through the good and bad and through it all, their bond grows stronger and tighter. While the past is a glimpse in the rear view mirror. Becoming dimmer and fainter as the years pass. Because all that person had was lustre and shine. Which is a fake covering on something without any substance. People who have looks cover up their inadequacies with their looks. Once you get to know them, you are repelled. Why? Because there is not much more to them. No depth. No character. No wisdom. No humour. No empathy. No giving. They are unable to offer you anything substantial or long term. You feel empty with them. Like they are not enough. These are the qualities that have lasting power. Sure, looks attract but they do not guarantee longevity. Most men marry women for longevity. This woman was a cheater. That alone would have killed any love he had for her. When people do ugly things, they become ugly. It does not matter if they are Miss America. Not only this but she treated his family like garbage. That too would bring her down to a place where she could never recover. A perfect looking apple on the outside that is rotten at the core is never going to appeal to anyone. Most want to know that once they bite into that apple, that it is going to be as good on the inside as it is on the outside.

He married you. He chose you. Stop looking back on what is done and over. Stop looking at her pics. Stop obsessing about it and get busy with more important things. And concentrate on your future with your husband. SHE IS NO LONGER RELEVANT IN YOUR LIVES. OK? Our time is short. Focus on being happy together and do things for yourself which make you feel better. Work out. Do your hair. Take part in activities that make you happy. With hubby and on your own too. Make your life full. Consider yourself blessed. And consider how stupid she was to lose a good guy. Her loss. Your gain. Now she is somebody else's headache and a thorn in their side.

Just be glad you are NOT AS UGLY AS SHE IS!!

Hope this helped. :)

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (17 December 2016):

Garbo agony aunt"I'd like to hear from men on this one- do you look up your old girlfriends/wives and think "wow she looks amazing, I really missed out"? Are there reminants of your feelings that surface after you see her or bump into her?"

Short answer is NO.

The only "missing out" is no longer being betrayed and living in stigma... and that's a good thing. The remnant of feeling that dominates is the bad that she caused so basically you don't want her to occupy your thoughts.

Plus not everything revolves around outwardly beauty. What good is to have a model-speck wife if she is incompetent in everything else. Of course, if I was a billionaire I may want the incompetence of a beautiful woman because it guarantees that she won't go anywhere. But, in practical life of regular people, men want a loyal woman of competence in marriage, someone who contributes to peace of it and who will love him back. If that is you, then relax, his ex is no competition of yours.

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A female reader, missy_25 United States +, writes (17 December 2016):

Yes, I wouldn't be threatened by her looks. I'd say you should just focus on keeping your relationship with your husband strong. Whether it's keeping yourself fit (in your definition of fit) and attractive, have meaningful moments with your husband or simply remind him how much you love him. I think that will deter him from looking elsewhere.

There's a very good reason why he's with you now and not her, after several years and that is because he loves you and chose to be with you. Focus on what he loves about you and you'll feel better.

In the end it's the relationship NOT the looks that will remind your husband of her. I had a bf who had an ex prettier than me and I used to get jealous of that but he tells me that he feels nothing when he sees her in photos. We even talk about it and eventually I believed it because I FELT that he really loves me and wants to be with me NOT her and that's all I need.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (17 December 2016):

dougbcoll agony aunt you should have nothing to fear. she was under handed , played the adulterer on him, saying that she did not think much of him to go out and cheat on him.

she may seem flawless on the outside, but she is lacking in character. she is more than likely in love with her self to be posting her vain modeling photos on face book.

if you are not like the woman you described you should have nothing to worry about.

if you are true to him, caring, loving, giving, honest you are by far more beautiful than the other woman.

it sounds to me like the flawless woman has many flaws.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 December 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI know you have only asked for opinions from men (and I find that telling - you obviously only value yourself in terms of how men see you) but I will give you mine anyway.

If you think a marriage partnership is based just on looks, then you really need to give yourself a good slap. Would you have refused to marry your husband if he hadn't been quite so gorgeous? Is that the only reason you married him? I somehow doubt it.

I have a friend who is now in her 70s. She is small, never "model material" by any stretch of the imagination, has spent most of her life being quite overweight, but has the sunniest disposition and bubbliest personality. She is very popular with everyone she meets. Her present (second) husband was married to a gorgeous woman who was very cold to him and treated him badly. He met my friend at work (both were in unhappy marriages at the time), they hit it off, both got divorced and married each other, so her husband went from having a stunningly gorgeous wife, who made him unhappy, to a very average looking, cuddly, grey haired wife with whom he is totally happy. You only have to see this pair together to see how much in love they are, despite being in "later life". He does not look at my friend and think "she is not as good looking as my ex". He looks at her and reaches out and touches her hand, smiles at her and his face fills up with joy and happiness.

Stop looking at pics of your husband's ex. Yes, she is gorgeous (never forget these pictures are heavily touched up most of the time) but she does not have what you have, your lovely husband.

Enjoy your marriage and stop looking for reasons not to enjoy it. Your husband is with you and loves you. Every time you start feeling insecure, give him a hug and tell him how lucky you feel to have him. He will love you all the more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016):

I was married to a good looking successful man. He was self-obsessed and cruel. He cheated, left me and filed for divorce. Painful doesn't even cover it. I am now living with a man now who, based on stereotypes, is not as 'good looking' but his kindness is extremely attractive to me. I look at him and am attracted on a deep level on a 'real' level. I look at my ex on Facebook and wonder what I actually saw in him. His cruelty was ugly. That makes him ugly.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (17 December 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntToo right Aunty BimBim, cheating is so bloody ugly. Let me tell from my own experience of being cheated on. I wouldn't give a rats bum if my ex was still hot if I ever laid eyes on him. Instead all I would see is the bastard that caused so much pain, humiliation and suffer flashbacks of the affair- couldn't help but do it now as I just wrote that actually, and yep still an ugly, ugly man. If anything start comparing just how loyal, loving, honest you are. Now thats a beautiful thing...don't you think?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIf all your husband wanted was Arm-candy ala a pretty girl on his arm, he would have stayed with her.

Facts are, they are divorced, she was NOT a nice chick, she cheated, they are not in contact.

Maybe your husband actually learned a lesson that LOOKS alone is not what he wants/needs. He wanted and needed a woman of SUBSTANCE (you) and that is why he is with you. You aren't just a pretty face, you are SO much more. She on the other hand only has her looks going for her, which is kind of sad.

My second BF was a male model, he is STILL gorgeous. But the reason we didn't last very long was the fact that we really had nothing in common. He was/is sweet, kind, but a total airhead. So while he on the OUTSIDE is a gorgeous man, he just wasn't "enough" for me. And no, I never pine after him either. Nor my first BF and first love. And he was gorgeous too.

I think if he wasn't sure about the divorce or if he was missing her or whatnot, he would figure a way to keep in touch with her. And he hasn't. He is over her.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (17 December 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntShe cheated and treated him and his family dreadfully, despite her outward appearances this is a truly ugly woman.

Despite not being able to see inside your husband's head I very much doubt, when he sees images of her, that he thinks he has missed out somehow. his friends will see her image and think of the ugly things she did.

Personally, when I see images of, or hear stories about, somebody who was good looking but treated me badly I simply feel like vomiting, his actions far outweigh everything.

If you cant get over your feelings of not measuring up to this ugly woman please seriously consider seeking professional help.

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