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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 19 this year, and my boyfriend is 22. After dating for one month plus, I found out that he's not a virgin. I came from a conservative family and I'm quite bothered by it. I don't know what should I do now. Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): I completely understand your situation. My boyfriend technically is a virgin, but he was touched by another girl. (Yeah, touched as in; she got him off.) When he told me I felt like I was gonna cry, because I hadn't been his first. It tore at my heart until I was positive that we were over. But when I saw him again and realized that I still loved him, I vowed to make it work. It hurts like fuck whenever I think of it, but I'm still so happy to know that he never loved her, and that I got his love. He cried and practically begged for my forgiveness, and he kept saying how sorry he was, and that he was only 15, and a suicidal dumbass. I hugged him and told him that the past can't be changed, and that this will hurt me for as long as we're together, but... I love him. And that's the end of that.
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female
reader, PRAnna  +, writes (5 October 2009):
I'm going through the same thing. Me and my boyfriend are both 17. And I knew when we started going out that he wasn't a virgin. And it didn't really bother me. But after thinking about it more and more, it started to KILL me more and more. The thought of him being intimate with her in a way I can't be?? (I'm waiting until I'm married). He says he's fine with waiting until we're married, but that's not the point.
It's bothered me to the point where I almost gave it up for him. I almost had sex with him. We were "fooling around", and I tried to have sex with him. He stopped me. He said he loves me too much to do it, and he knows it would ruin my life. I started crying. Crying that I almost gave it up, that he didn't want to, that I can't do it, that he has STILL had sex with her and not me. I cried a lot. And he just held me and kept kissing my head telling me he loves me. I KNOW he loves me. But it still hurts, a lot.
What hurts the most is WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT IT! He doesn't mean to really. In all honesty, I don't think he knows how much it bothers me. But for example, the time I almost had sex with him, I said something along the lines of "I just wanna be with you, I wanna know how it feels." And he said "No you don't. It's wonderful. But you need to wait til you're married." Now I don't wanna KNOW that it's wonderful. Haha. Or once he said something about how he sweats the most when he has sex, and that it's "the best work out". It makes me sick to think about that. It physically makes me feel nautious.
And what makes me feel even worse, is that he doesn't regret it. I mean he said if he could have seen into the future, and seen how much it bothers me, he never would have. But he also says like "I don't regret it. I was having fun, I was in love" etc. UGggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It just kills me.
But I love him. And I'm sure you love your boyfriend. So try to look past it. The way I try to look at it is this: our relationship is BETTER than theirs, because we have enough love and respect for each other to wait. Try to think of it that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): i am very very very very very bothered by the same thing. and it hurts like hellllllllll. but i can not do anything about it.i dont know why men do this. i guess because they know they can not get caught? i really dont know why. they are just all the same.i am considering marrying him.. but he's already been with 5 women. he's traveled the world and ffffd his brains out. and now i have to take it or leave it. while i was working hard my entire life and doing the right thing.its hard. but no one is perfect. especially not men!
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female
reader, CandyCakes +, writes (17 March 2009):
At 19, I am no longer a virgin. I've only slept with one other person, my boyfriend of nearly two years. He was my first. I was his...second. I knew that he was not a virgin long before we started dating (we were friends for two years before we got together).I thought I was okay with it, until relatively recently when I actually sat down and thought about what that meant. It's not just that he had sex, it's that he made out with her, he groped her, she made him erect, he went so far as to put his penis into her vagina. And then humped away.Yeah. I was furious. I was hateful. I was filled with disgust and regret and so so much pain. I shouted, I threw things, I refused to touch him. I made the one person I love more than anyone or anything else in the entire world cry. A man who NEVER cries. I made him cry. I did that. And isn't that worse really, than once upon a time having sex with a girl? I might have a slightly different situation than you, he was depressed at the time. This relationship with that girl was horribly unhealthy. She was nuts, three years too young for him, and a general meanie butt. He had convinced himself that he had to stay with her, that he really cared for her, and he ignored the fact that he was horribly depressed at the same time. She pestered him for months to have sex with her before he gave in. Hey, she was his girlfriend, that's what you're supposed to do. If a girl you're supposed to love wants to do you, you accept or end up looking like a pussy.So he slept with her. And he painted this terrible mental image for me of how he knew it was a bad idea but did it anyway because he'd been wrong about everything else. When he thought he was doing the right thing, it was always wrong, so he tried it the other way around, to ignore his real feelings. He said it wasn't very much fun, he didn't even come...He even told me that he thought people had been lying about how much fun sex was. But he wasn't a dummy, porn paints a different picture.Technically, he did sleep with her. Despite the fact that his penis never touched her vagina (condom) or even came. But he considers his first time to be with me. He regrets his actions horribly, especially when he saw what it did to me. He knows now that he had sex for all of the wrong reasons, and none of the right ones. But, it's in the past. It can't be changed. Yet, if someone truly regrets something, if they don't think it counts...maybe it can be stricken from the record? I still feel sick and angry when I think about how MY BOYFRIEND did those things once, but here's something for everyone to think about (including me!): Are you the same person as you were a year ago? Two years? Three? You're not. I think a lot of our problems with thinking about how OUR MEN slept with someone else are caused by a feeling of infidelity. I know personally I have a hard time separating the Alec of today from the Alec of yesteryear. When he slept with her I hadn't even considered him as a crush, let alone a boyfriend. I wasn't interested back then. (Though apparently he always found me hot and had wet dreams about me, go figure...) Think about your boyfriend as two different people, because really you change so much when you enter into a long term relationship with someone new that it's hard to think about how you use to be. Likely at the time, like my boyfriend and probably most of your boyfriends, they thought it was the right thing to do at that time. I'm guilty of this too, but instead of worrying and thinking about how awful it was when he slept with so and so, just take a deep deep breath and think about this: It's a little cliche, but these lyrics always help me get a hold of what actually matters...."Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else feel so small."If he loves you now, if you are the person he cares for more than anyone else now, what does it matter about then? Instead of thinking how awful the past is, concentrate on being a good girlfriend and making the future better for the both of you. ALSO: Boys and girls usually view sex in different terms. Men are more likely to just consider it for the physical, and girls tend to attach emotions to it. If you and your boyfriend are having "MADLY IN LOVE" sex, then it's pretty useless that once upon a time he had "JUST TO GET OFF" sex with some skank.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Wow I'm so glad I found this site, because I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. He's 18 and I'm 17. I'm a virgin and he's not, and the thought of him with another girl made me mad. Even though it was only one girl, I just wish we could share the experience together. But oh well I can't be mad at his past.
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female
reader, glormi +, writes (14 November 2008):
I am going through something similar right now. My boyfriend and I are both 17 and I am a virgin. We have been dating for 5 weeks and I had heard that he wasn't a virgin before but when I asked him he told me he was, but later that day he called me and told me that he lied. He said that he had sex twice. I want to forgive him because it was something he did before he even knew me but I can't help but picture him with someone else and it makes me feel horrible. I know that he is sorry and that he loves me and I won't break up with him but I am so sad and I don't know how to get over it, I just wish that he could have waited.
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reader, romance007  +, writes (5 September 2008):
I am a 37 year old male. I was born in Hong Kong. When I studied high school there, we had the pledge for us to keep ourselves virgin until after marriage. I am a 37 year old virgin. I have had two girlfriends before. At one time, I almost gave up and lost my virginity. It was hard to resist, but I did. If not that promise and pledge, I would not have something so strong to hold myself from having sex. Fast forward, I have know my financee for ten months now. She is wonderful in and out. However, when I learn that she is not a virgin anymore, I feel devastated. How can I believe that because she is only nineteen and she lost her virginity at 16 when a male said that if she did not have sex with him, he would leave. So, she cried and gave what he demanded. That was mental threatening, and is one kind of date rape. Then, her second boyfriend was good to her at the beginning. Then, may be their relationship had gotten so well that she felt safe to have sex with him. Then, after a while, what her second boyfriend did always reminded her of her first one. As she felt insecured, she left her second boyfriend also. Yet, I have forgiven my financee otherwise, we would not get engaged. She has already promised to be a very good and faithful wife of me and will always put me and our family on top of her mind and will love me like no one else in this world can....
Well, I guess it comes down to when a person has sex, was it voluntary, or out of curiosity, or a mix of these, or whether afterwards the person feels guilty about having done it. Virginity may have two levels, one on the physical level, the other on the mental level. Yes someone may have lost her or his physical virginity, but if it wasn't accompanied by mental pleasure, and even worse, there are lot of worries and feelings of insecure and guilt afterwards, then may be he or she has not lost his or her mental virginaity yet.
Well, in my opinion, it comes down to; do you anticipate a fruitful and rewarding relationship ahead of you and him, or is he not sorry about what he has done that is what continues to bother you..., or whether you feel that he easily gives out his first time to someone else before you come along in his life. I know it is tough situation. I am still sometimes having mixed feelings, but everytime I see her, my heart just cannot stop beating faster because I do know that I do love her a lot. Well, if you and your boyfriend now are based on true love between the two of you, yes you will find fruitful relationship. If he is with you just to have sex with you like he did with his ex girlfriends, then of course, it is time to look for someone else. If you need someone virgin, think about joining a church of Jesus Christ, either Christian or Catholic. There are tons of virgin man, who are doing well in school, as well as having positive attitudes on lives, and are holding very high values of life.
Wishing you well and peace of mind. No one will know more about what you what then you. So, you really have to make a decision like I did. And my decision was to forgive her and let our new life together begin by marrying her in this coming November 8, 2008. It is tough, but you can do it if you really love him. However, if you find that his love for you is another lie, then of course, he may be looking for just sex again. Otherwise, if it is true love between the two of you, forgive him the best you can. There will be fruits out of your true love for each other.
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male
reader, romance007 +, writes (5 September 2008):
I am a 37 year old male. I was born in Hong Kong. When I studied high school there, we had the pledge for us to keep ourselves virgin until after marriage. I am a 37 year old virgin. I have had two girlfriends before. At one time, I almost gave up and lost my virginity. It was hard to resist, but I did. If not that promise and pledge, I would not have something so strong to hold myself from having sex. Fast forward, I have know my financee for ten months now. She is wonderful in and out. However, when I learn that she is not a virgin anymore, I feel devastated. How can I believe that because she is only nineteen and she lost her virginity at 16 when a male said that if she did not have sex with him, he would leave. So, she cried and gave what he demanded. That was mental threatening, and is one kind of date rape. Then, her second boyfriend was good to her at the beginning. Then, may be their relationship had gotten so well that she felt safe to have sex with him. Then, after a while, what her second boyfriend did always reminded her of her first one. As she felt insecured, she left her second boyfriend also. Yet, I have forgiven my financee otherwise, we would not get engaged. She has already promised to be a very good and faithful wife of me and will always put me and our family on top of her mind and will love me like no one else in this world can....
Well, I guess it comes down to when a person has sex, was it voluntary, or out of curiosity, or a mix of these, or whether afterwards the person feels guilty about having done it. Virginity may have two levels, one on the physical level, the other on the mental level. Yes someone may have lost her or his physical virginity, but if it wasn't accompanied by mental pleasure, and even worse, there are lot of worries and feelings of insecure and guilt afterwards, then may be he or she has not lost his or her mental virginaity yet.
Well, in my opinion, it comes down to; do you anticipate a fruitful and rewarding relationship ahead of you and him, or is he not sorry about what he has done that is what continues to bother you..., or whether you feel that he easily gives out his first time to someone else before you come along in his life. I know it is tough situation. I am still sometimes having mixed feelings, but everytime I see her, my heart just cannot stop beating faster because I do know that I do love her a lot. Well, if you and your boyfriend now are based on true love between the two of you, yes you will find fruitful relationship. If he is with you just to have sex with you like he did with his ex girlfriends, then of course, it is time to look for someone else. If you need someone virgin, think about joining a church of Jesus Christ, either Christian or Catholic. There are tons of virgin man, who are doing well in school, as well as having positive attitudes on lives, and are holding very high values of life.
Wishing you well and peace of mind. No one will know more about what you what then you. So, you really have to make a decision like I did. And my decision was to forgive her and let our new life together begin by marrying her in this coming November 8, 2008. It is tough, but you can do it if you really love him. However, if you find that his love for you is another lie, then of course, he may be looking for just sex again. Otherwise, if it is true love between the two of you, forgive him the best you can. There will be fruits out of your true love for each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Well I guess I'm one of those that make up that "pathetic pool" dear anonymous reader..... LOL
You either accept him the way you found him or leave him. It's your choice. If his virginity is important to you, then you need to find another man who is a virgin too.
He didn't know you when he had sex, and he has his own reasons why he decided to have sex. He had a past, you weren't there, he didn't know about you. Talk to him if you want to, tell him this is bothering you. But what can he do. He can't change the past, he can't stop you from being bothered. But he can love you with all his heart, he can treat you good and make you happy. If this is not enough for you, then of course you must leave him and find a man somewhere who has managed to hold on to his virginity after the age of 18.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): You know I'm seriously bothered by the fact that this same exact question came up but in reverse and all people did was cut the guy down telling him to man up and get over it because it is the "21st century". Pretty pathetic pool of people if you ask me. You should be bothered by this. I am having the same issue.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I have a similar problem. I am not religious but I did want to stay a virgin until I met someone that I really loved. I did and we have been together for 3 1/2 years now. My problem is that he had a few one night stands before we got toghether. It still bothers me from time to time that I have to know that he has had sex with other people while he has the comfort of knowing that he was my first and only.Ultimately I think it will always be something that upsets me but I am not about to break up with someone just because they have had different experiences then me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): if you truly love your partener then virginity shouldnt be an issue, i understand that it is very precious to you
but if youlove each other then put love above sex love over comes all at the end of the day ]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): It's abot time you think for yourself not for your fmily.His virginity won't love you but his love that he have 4 u its matters. The majority of boys loose their virginity at athe age of 15 so if if is 22 years he is old enough girlfriend. It's abot time to think for yourself not for yor family but have a respect for your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): If your partner's virginity is important to you and your BF is not one, then maybe you should put your money where your mouth is and break up with him for it.
There are guys who are virgins at over 20 years old. More than a few. If word actually gets out about why you broke up with your BF, you'll probably find yourself up to your ears in more virgin guys. They're not a "silent majority" or anything, but there's a lot of them still out there.
The other option is to stay with a guy who did something that violates your bedrock values so deeply. It doesn't make him a bad person in general, but it may very well make him the wrong one for you.
I will pose a question to you (and anyone else reading this):
You'll probably tell yourself that it's a tough road ahead to accept this issue about your BF, but you're determined to do it because you're a good, strong, forgiving person . . .
But is this REALLY the truth? Are you so sure that staying with him & accepting it is not what's really the "easy way" compared to the emotional diffculty of (and probably a certain amount of guilt about) leaving him over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 20, and I'm having the same types of feelings. I wish we could share our first times together, but obviously its too late for that. I konw that whatever has happened before me is obviously in the past, and that he loves me now. He really is sensitive and respects my conservativeness but through it all it still bums me out that something that was precoius to me has been ruined in a sort of way. I know we love each other and so I'm going to get past it, its just a let down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2005): im dealing with the same issue now. i am saving my virginity for the one i will spend my life with, yet my boyfriend hasnt. i am saving it as a way to show that i have loved the one im married to long before i knew him. i realize that you cant always see into the future, but just the fact that he lost his virginity to someone he wasnt even dating at the age of 13 or 14 (im not really even sure) bugs the ever loving shit out of me. On top of all this, i am a very VERY very VERY insecure person... im afraid i wont be able to compare to whatever previous sex hes had, im sure i probably wont satisfy him as much as he has been before. i know in thinking these things, im probably a shallow, selfish, vicious bastard... but i just cant get over thinking that if we were to have sex, i would be giving him so much trust, so much of me... and he wouldnt really be giving me that much back, he already gave it all to some other dumbass... gah.... lifes complicated.... .so pretty much ive got a hella big pile of crap i need to get over, and the only way im going to get over it is if he loves genuinely to the max... and i love him the same... or maybe... i just wont ever have sex .... that sounds like fun
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): what is it that bothers you exactly? the fact that your not his first sexual partner? I feel for you because i have alot of trouble coming to terms with my boyfirneds past i was a virgin he wasnt but i love him too much for this to come between us, have you talked to him about it? i think you should sit you partner down and tell him how your feeling the feelings will not go away unless you confront them! i really hope you get over this and you and your partner become stronger if you really love him try your best to move on! Gooduck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): I know exactly how you feel. I also come from a conservative family and would be devastated to find out that my boyfriend wasn't a virgin.
I think it's great that your virginity is so important to you. It's important to me, too. I also think it's important to have high standards when choosing a mate.
However, I don't think his lost virginity is unforgivable. The real question is, does he desire a second virginity and is honestly sorry for having had sex in the past, or is his sexual journey one he wants to continue (with you!)? If he's truly regretful over what happened, and wants to start fresh with you, I think it would be fine for you to allow him some grace. You don't have to break up with him because he's made mistakes--however, you would need to break up with him if he was still having sex or wanting you to have sex. If you don't know the answers to these questions, ask him.
Good luck!
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reader, Roxmarita +, writes (24 August 2005):
In this day and age, although it is not impossible, it is improbable that you will find a 20 something virgin.
Just because someone has had sex before you does not make them a bad person, neither does the fact that their personal beliefs are not as conservative as yours.
The older you get, the lesser the odds of you finding a virgin if that is your requirement, so you might want to remember that any potential partners you will have will have had a life before you came along and will have a life long after you are gone.
There is a big difference between loving someone and accepting them and they do not always go hand in hand, but if you want a relationship, base it on how you feel about him as a person and how he feels about you and how he treats you, not what he did in his past.
If the fact that he is not a virgin bothers you that much, then there is probably a deeper issue or something missing and you are looking for an excuse.
When you can love and accept someone, warts and all, that'll be the one you should keep.
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reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (24 August 2005):
 Well, either you learn to live with this information, accept it and carry on or you don't. Plain and simple. If you can't accept him as is and this is a big issue that will forever haunt you, then cut him loose and go find another guy who may be a virgin and more suitable to what you want in life. But be fair to him and be fair to yourself. If this guy's not the one..then tell him gently but do it now before the relationship drags on further. good luck
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reader, Anastasia  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 Okay in this day and age...the chances of finding a 22 year old guy who is a virgin is rare. That is like Osama Bin Laden coming on the tele and admitting to terrorist attacks...go figure. When you are in a relationship...do you love that person for what they are so who they. So what if he is not a virgin...does that make him dirty or tainted. It would be really shallow of you to think like that. If you are a virgin wonderful...great but it does not make him any less of a great person. Really what is the big deal here, conservative family or not...you may miss out the a really nice relationship because he is not a virgin! He can't change the fact that he is so you either deal with it or send that him off to be someone else's treasure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005): with all due respect, I think i understand you alittle. I was a virgin until i got married when i was 23 but the girl i was in love with and married, was not. and she was was 20 when we married. she lost her at 15. but i LOVED her anyway.
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reader, revsteve +, writes (23 August 2005):
Well, you have two options: 1) You can break up with him because you really want a virgin for a boyfriend or 2) you can deal with the fact that he isn't a virgin and get on with your relationship. However, I want to add that in this day of STD's I would NOT want my daughter dating a boy who was not a virgin. You say that you come from a very conservative family. Are you going to live by what you have learned and believe in or are you going to throw those values out the window and continue in a relationship with a boy that does NOT meet your expectations of purity? The choice is yours-make it a good one!
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