A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married in August after 3 years of total happiness with my fiance. We have waited until now to move in together and will be moving to a new house with his teenage children. Their mother died 10 years ago and obviously there are photos of her and my fiance around their house. I feel now we are making a new start and I'll be his wife, the photos of him and her should be put in his children's rooms, not in my new home. I think I have paid my respects long enough now and don't want to be staring at her pictures for the rest of my life, but I dont want to fall out with the family over it. My own kids agree with me, as even though I'm divored, they would only keep pics of their dad in their rooms. My fiance says divorce and death are a different matter and it would upset his kids to put the photos away though he doesn't want them there either. I wouldn't mind but his children are almost in their twenties and really immature and thoroughly spoilt. I don't want them dictating my new life, but fear a big fall out, with them and extended family members over this. What do others think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou right. Iv'e taken enough of this. Ive bent over backwards to please everyone else and hurt myself over and over in the process. Before we move into the new home, I'm going to call a family meeting of all our kids and talk this over, if its not resolved. I wont be moving in. Thanks again. Apart from our kids, I really dont know why people think they have the right to interfere in our lives. I will sort this.
A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 I would suggest you throw a small get together again. Put the pictures in the children's rooms, throw a party and take everyone up their so they can do the memory thing. It is now 2years later and everyone can see you not going away. But this makes a clear sign that your going to get married, you've moved into a new house and life is moving on. It may have not worked then, but things are different now. Otherwise maybe an engagement party and a toast to your new life.
I feel you need some kind of big action to draw a line under the past. You need them to know that no matter what happens this is your house and you need some happiness too. As you said, there can only be one set of wedding photographs and I don't thinks it's fair if your pictures end up stranded in the back room.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both daniel pew and diovan. I have already done the party bit. In our first year, we Invited every single person they knew , family and friends, and I made a big heartfelt speech to say I would always respect the mother etc, and I just want to make him happy. Some were openly hostile to me, can you believe that, all Ive done is love this man. I did my absolute best. He does stand up for me, its just that these people have known him since school and he would never fall out with them, nor would I want him to, but they still insist on mentioning her all the time. They wont let it go. (some even start crying at the mention of her name) this is 10 years ago that she died. I honestly think that the pics should be in the kids (all almost adults by the way) rooms) and let us start fresh. But I dont think its going to be like that. I dont want to start a big problem over this, but I dont want two sets of wedding photos in my new lounge, I want ours. I wouldnt dream of having my ex husbands pictures up. I dont know what Im going to do really. This is about our life and love but the ghost of the past wont go away because they wont let it.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
I disagree. You are engaged to be married, you are moving into a new house. This new house belongs to you and him. His deceased wife is in the past. Of course she has a place, and a place should be found for the pictures. Perhaps in an album or in a side room. The past is over, it will never be forgotten, but you are moving to a new house now, the past is dead and can never be recalled. Of course family want to talk about her, it's natural, but they should talk about what you and your partner is doing too. Put the pictures in your children's room, get on with your life. She was once there, but now she needs to be gone. If she loved him, this is what she would have wanted. If you can, throw a "welcome to the new house party" and make it a tribute to her and her memory for what she did for your wonderfull man.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 This new update makes my previous opinions irrelevant.
Your extended family will never stop unless someone stops them. Your fiancé should have stopped them ages ago. They are messing with his happiness and controlling him. I think I agree with Eyeswideopen in that there's a lot more to this situation than just the pictures. If you will allow me a comparison, that's just the tip-top of the iceberg. I'm sorry, but your fiancé seems to lack a backbone.
I think you should ask your fiancé whether he will allow that to continue once you're married. It's not just the mentioning of the deceased lady; it's that they are striking first to keep you on the defensive.
If your fiancé won't do anything, perhaps you should do it. Wait for a meeting of your extended family and tell them that you respect the memory of the deceased, et cetera, but that they should also understand you're not taking anybody's place, you're yourself and no one else, et cetera. I don't see any way out of this if it's not with a direct clash.
I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is other people giving us problems, that is the trouble, there is nothing wrong with our relationship otherwise I would have walked away long ago. We are both really happy. Its just others (extended family and friends that will not let it drop) If I am really truthful it is because they know he is happier now than hes ever been. He even told me that, and they cant accept it. Anyway I will let the photos stay, and when they all move out, then we will redecorate. Thanks everyone for your help.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 July 2008):
 I don't know, maybe you might want to rethink that August wedding. Sounds to me that there are more problems here than just a few pictures around the house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can safely promise you that I am definitely not jealous of the deceased. But, having these photos up can sometimes ( this happens all the time actually) be really embarassing for me as other family members and friends when visiting are FOREVER, going on and on about what a wonderful person she was etc etc etc, talking about the old days and how she cooked, everything, after 10 years I wonder if it will ever end. I just dont want to live in her past. I will always respect the memory, but I feel I have a right to be happy too. Incidentally, my fiance is sick of it too, he hates the constant references, it is only for the children he has the pics up, but of course I could never do the same. He would not allow it. But its ok for his family to do as they like, I have no say in the matter.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 July 2008):
I just don't think there should be so much turmoil over some pictures no matter who they are of, I think you just need to wait all this out. Sooner or later you and your husband will be the only ones living there and then you can put the pictures into an album or something.
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male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (14 July 2008):
Well, poster, your update changes a lot of things. I wish I had had that information before.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (14 July 2008):
I'm sorry, poster, but you're jealous over a deceased person. Also, you need to realize that there's no way for these people, spoilt or not, to just forget about their mother because their father is marrying someone else. Some people die but you never forget them and it feels awful to just throw their pictures to the garbage.
Sorry, but what your kids do is your kids' decision. There's no tit-for-tat here. You can't expect other people to just follow the leader, particularly regarding feelings. You say you have paid your respects long enough. That, too, sounds like tit-for-tat: "I have put up with that woman's picture in the living room for long. Now it's time for me to have things my way".
Trying to be on your shoes, I think it's a very bad strategy for you to try to "replace" the deceased lady. You can't, and it's not in your best interest, in my opinion.
You're a different person, and you're not taking anybody's place. You came into the family because your fiancé loves you and wants to move on with you in his life. That's what everyone needs to understand, including you. You're not there to do away with mommy. You're there because life continues and everyone wants to be happy.
I would also stop to think for a while about the relationship with the children. If you describe them as spoilt, maybe they are, but that is indicative of problems with them. I think you should also do something in this regard. The deceased lady isn't with us anymore, but these guys will be here longer than you or their father. There's not just waiting for them to be out of the home, you know? What about your own kids? Would you feel it right if your husband were only waiting for the right time to be out of the home?
Your fiance's children are not dictating your life. They are deciding to keep their mother's picture there. I would think every child has the right to keep a picture of his or her own deceased mother.
One question: you say that the pictures of the mother don't belong in your new home, but in your fiancé's children's rooms. Is that THEIR home, too?
What about your kids, having pictures of their own father "in their room", but not "in your new home"?
I also take notice of the language you're using. I wonder how much it is the result of the moderator's own pen, but, there's an obvious conflict here and it seems you're not helping to solve it. It might backfire: you can't realistically expect your fiancé to side with you. What's more, it would be wrong to expect him to take sides.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wouldn't mind so much about all this if it wasn't for the fact that my fiance would never let my children have photos of their father in the house of my ex husband (the divorce was bitter but that is not the issue) It is alright for his children but not for mine.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 July 2008):
Keep the pictures where they are until the kids have moved out. Once the nest is empty you can redecorate.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker + ♥, writes (14 July 2008):
 I think you should let him keep the pictures on display. Actually, no: I think you should encourage him to keep her pictures on display.
This isn't a matter of letting the children or the extended family dictate your life, it's a matter of respect for the children's mother and for their loss. The fact that they are adults doesn't enter into it. It's not even remotely similar to displaying pictures of someone from whom you've divorced or separated.
Some people prefer to regard the dead as gone and finished. Others prefer to keep the memory alive and an important part of their lives. Whichever is the case, I believe that respecting how they feel and what they choose to do is important. Either way it shouldn't affect your relationship.
Look at it this way: a few pictures aren't going to do you any harm. A lady I know very well, who is getting married again next Saturday, still has her husband's ashes in a small casket in the living room. Personally I couldn't cope with that, but it feels right to her and to her young son - and her new husband-to-be has accepted that's how they feel.
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