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I'm attracted to younger teens... is this sick?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2009) 18 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello, I'm 18 and I'm from the UK. I've suddenly become attracted to younger teens, 13+. Is this normal? I'm scared because I don't want to turn into a paedophile, do I need to seek further advice for this? Has anyone else gone through the same thing as me?

I'm also attracted to a 13 year old, and I think she likes me. Would it be wrong to ask her on a date? I don't know what to do :(. Am I sick :(?

Please help, and thank you so much for this great service for advice when you can't ask somthing like this to someone you know in case it's sick :(

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A male reader, Iamanaddict United States +, writes (6 March 2010):

I feel the same way. Dont ask her on a date.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (21 February 2010):

Miamine agony auntNo you can't date a 13 year old without her parents permission. I suggest you leave her alone, if you are caught doing anything sexual with her, you'll go to jail, go onto the Sex Offenders Register for life, will be banned from working, living or associating with children forever. When you decide to become a father, your children will be monitored by the social services, just in case you find them attractive and have sex with them too.

Very, very bad idea... The gap between 13 and 18 is too big. If she starts dating you, she could be punished too. The social services could be called in, as she's a minor who is in danger of being corrupted. She could also be put in care or made a ward of court for her own safety.

Again, very, very bad idea. If you love this girl, why can't you wait for three years until she is legal. Or do you only like her because she is young. If this is the case, and you are only attracted to young teenagers, I think that you need to see a doctor, before you find yourself sexually involved with one and in a whole pile of trouble.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):

MY HOME BOY IS DOING 50 YRS MANDATORY RIGHT NOW FOR STATUTORY RAPE. IF U MESS WITH YOUNGER GIRLS YOU'RE GOING TO END UP LIKE HIM.

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A male reader, Y0UNG_GUTT4 United States +, writes (21 February 2010):

IF YOU DONT WANT TO DO SERIOUS TIME IN JAIL LEAVE THEM YOUNG GIRLS ALONE

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A male reader, vukile South Africa +, writes (7 August 2009):

I was in pretty much the same spot as you except that the girl was 9 at the time and I was 15, but anyway...the girl and I are now great friends (she's 13 next friday and I'm 19 in december and she was the one who started it not me)...I would suggest you stay friends and so on...don't lay so much as a finger on her, though if you're feeling particularly brave, braver than me I might add, you should ask her to movies or something strictly as friends, make sure her parents know you and trust you beforehand though (it can become quite nasty without that believe me)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009):

I don't think it is sick for you to be attracted to a girl who has already hit puberty, as long as you take that age into heed and know that in most cases you need to be understanding of the changes she goes through at that age. Most 13 year olds are not as emotionally strong as older girls, so they need care and you know, don't take it too fast. Apart from that I think the main problem would be what people think about it, especially the authorities and her parents. It could get nasty fast. Best of luck though

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009):

dude, you really honestly cant get serious with a 13yr old. 13 and 18is a huge age differnece. when you get older, its not that big of a deal. yall are both on different maturity levels and have experienced differnet things. find a girl closer to your age!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 April 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntTalk to her Dad and see what he thinks of your attraction to his daughter. And please let us know what he says.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009):

Thanks for the advice! It's not that I want to use them for sex. I want a relationship, I think I have found my perfect girl but sadly at such a young age I can't even attempt to ask her out, so im going to wait. Our friendship is getting better and I think she knows what im feeling.

Thanks for the advice guys and girls :)

x

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A male reader, CrazyMind United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2009):

CrazyMind agony auntI'm 18 myself, and the situation you are in, I have found myself in. My advice would be to not associate too greatly with this 13yo you have found yourself interested in. You say you think the she likes you, but she is at a very impressionable age, and I'd say that quite a lot of girls around this age have crushes on older lads.

You've found yourself attracted to younger girls, which could be understandable - at this age, their bodies are starting to develop and they themselves are finding out more about themselves, and being immersed in a society where sex is all around them, they're inevitably reading magazines and trying to promote their bodies to look good - and succeeding.

As somebody who has found himself in a similar situation to yours, my advice would be to either dissociate completely with those you feel attracted to, or if this isn't possible, set yourself some strict guidelines, e.g. don't touch them at all, and stick to them. Try and be more like an older brother, and aim to be a positive role model for them.

Explore what your feelings towards these younger teens are - are they purely in want of friendship, or wanting to develop a sexual relationship?

There's no definitive answer, but feel free to contact me for support if you'd like, I'm happy to help.

Crazy.

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A female reader, ninetoes Canada +, writes (14 April 2009):

ninetoes agony auntI want to reply to the anonymous female...he is not attracted to girls that have not yet hit puberty, he is attracted to girls that are in a mid-puberty range! I think that is very different than being attracted to a child! I was fully developed at age 11, and that is why I don't think it is completely ridiculous.

I also believe that 18 is a very young age, and I also believe that I do not know everything about the situation. There is usually a big psychological gap between these two ages, but I guess I was thinking "anything can happen" and imagining something positive working out...maybe a little far fetched, but that's what I was thinking at the time.

I also know that this is very common!! Men are very often attracted to women much younger than themselves.

I am also aware that this is a touchy topic, and what this man is going through, and thinking about must be very hard! I think as long as you didn't have sex with her, and maybe even just kept it completely platonic for as long as possible until she is older might be a good idea, and then see if you are still interested.

One last time, let's put this into perspective: most grade 9s are 13, and most grade 12s are 18...so it's like a grade nine and a grade 12. It's really not THAT bad...worrying that you are a paedophile must be painful!

once more, good luck Mr. Anonymous!

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A female reader, HonningKanin Norway +, writes (14 April 2009):

HonningKanin agony auntLets look at this biologically. You are male and as much as people wanna make this taboo you are biologiocally inclind to spread as much of your genetic material as you can. You are also programmed to seek young healthy females, which would be more likely to bare healthy young. In the animal kingdom there are no age limits with sex. So being attracted to young girls is pretty damn normal. It is also why girls generally seek older men. Biologically they are looking for dominant, healthy, Alpha, withstanding genes and more likely to protect them and their offspring.

However you are able to control yourself. You are able to rationalise. You are able to understand cause and effect. You are not bound by your genes like our evolutionary cousins and you can understand that these girls would be more than likely be mentally harmed identity wise(something animals generally dont have a concept of). So dont feel bad that you are attracted to these young girls, just understand that you and these girls could never maintain a mature relationship and if that you did sleep with them you would cause major havoc in their personal development as they get older. Anything you do to them will have an effect on their future outlook and any future relationships they may have with men or even women. Most preteens and young teens are very immature when it comes to sex or relationships. Either because their parents havent told them enough to fully grasp it or because they arent ready yet. Their bodies might be fully developed for the act of conception, but they aren't ready at all for the social implications of such act.

If you realise this attraction grows and begins to pose a problem for you, GET HELP. Not because of the attraction, but so that you do not become the cause of harm in someone elses life.

I hope this helped somewhat.

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A female reader, haylee14 United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2009):

right well, lets face it yes its pretty bad, there was this lad for me, that kinda liked me, he was 17 when i was 13 and tbh, it is pretty bad, we have just ended up as friends which is probably the best thing to do is, just be friends with her, but if you cant do that, avoid her and all delete all things that can help you to get into contact with her. Go clubbing and find someone your own age! x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009):

Thank you for the comments so far guys, you have really helped me out. Please if people could continue to comment.

Thanks for the comments so far guys :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009):

Ninetoes that is the wrong advice to give, I have 13 year old sister who still believes in santa claus. If I found my sister wanted to go with a guy near his 20s, I'd report him as paedophile. Wrong advice what are you thinking? A child going out with adult?? Nice picture!

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A male reader, RichardJames United States +, writes (13 April 2009):

RichardJames agony auntDO NOT ASK HER OUT. SOmetimes you have to hide those thoughts and feelings. It is not sick because everyone has thoughts or has had thoughts not typical of them. Try to fight the urge and avoid the situation. That is not acceptable in any scenario. Do you have other women in your life or are you desperate? Being desperate can cause actions not Typical. Do not let it get the best of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009):

I don't think it's sick, but it definitely says something about you. It's a free world, but I BEG you to take the adult role in any situation you might find yourself in.

Dan Savage has this "Campsite Rule" for relationships with one much older than the other: only get involved if you know you can leave the other person in the same condition or better than when you found them.

That means not pregnant, not dropped out of school or getting bad grades, without any new STD's and with their hearts and self respect still intact. Even better if you can leave them in a better state than when you found them.

Do yourself a favour and get on her parents side first. Be a gentleman and don't push her for sex. In fact, wait till she's 16 because as I'm sure you know, it's the law. Encourage her to do well at school and live the rest of her life. etc.

Being simply attracted to younger people is no crime, but I BEG BEG BEG you to take the higher ground here and do what's right, for the girl as well as yourself. Congrats for seeking out advice before asking this girl out :)

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A female reader, ninetoes Canada +, writes (13 April 2009):

ninetoes agony auntwow, that's tough!

I'm not sure, because I'll be honest, it does seem a little strange, and I understand your concern!

If you did ask her, maybe you would get lucky and it could be a long lasting relationship and the age difference wont matter so much later on...because the up side is that you are only 18. But if this continues when you are older, it might be a little tougher...

Good luck, I'm sorry, this must be really hard for you! I hope I helped at least a little...

hmm...what if you saw a school counsellor or something? It might help if you asked in the third person...or a counsellor through work or something...anyways, good luck 3

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