New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login222419 questions, 964601 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I'm attracted to my husband's younger brother and had sex with him. Why is this so wrong?

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 July 2008) 30 Answers - (Newest, 3 June 2011)
A age 30-35, * writes:

I'm a married woman in my 20s, I really love my husband. He's in his 20s also. We have a great sex life. Even so, I've been attracted to his younger brother (also in his 20s) since before we got married. Recently, his brother and I got a little drunk together and had sex. It was my favorite fantasy come true. Now, I have no interest in leaving my husband. I love him and our kids. At the same time, I'd love to have the occaisonal night of passion with my BIL on the side. My question is, why is extramarital sex like this so frowned upon? Nearly everyone has some sort of kink. For example, my husband would love to see me with another woman.

View related questions: drunk, married woman, sex life

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, Robert W Anderson United States +, writes (3 June 2011):

Robert W  Anderson agony auntIt's your husbands loss that you have to ask such a question. What would you think if your husband wanted to have sex with your sister? And if you don't have a sister are you going to allow him to have another women of his choosing.

It sounds to me like your not ready for marriage and should do your the husband the favor of divorcing him; so he can find someone who loves him, and him alone.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (21 September 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt I assume you do NOT think that going to bed with your husband's brother is wrong. Ergo, if it is not wrong, it is right.

If it is so right, then, why didn't you tell your husband and you are doing it behind his back ?

If you feel that you are simply fulfilling a fantasy of yours, that you are entitled to fulfill- then why is your husband not supposed to know it?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Nana adjei Ghana +, writes (21 September 2010):

It is very shameful to allow your brother-in-law to go to bed with you . Imagine you are what will be your explanation. This problem can cause a disunity between your husband and the brother.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, nowthatiknow United States +, writes (28 September 2009):

I did the same thing...I told my husband. He was hurt but he forgave me in the same night. He was more angry with his brother. I know what you are talking about because im sure a lot of us would like to have passionite sex with someone and still have our husband at home to take care of us. The thing is you must choose between your husband or his brother you seriously cant have both. That sucked for me because my husbands brother was worthless, jobless,ect. and my husband supported me and my two kids and gave us everything we wanted and needed. But the brother was so funny and so sweet and so sexy.... If you would cheat on your husband than im affraid you dont love him. Thats what i had to learn. yes im still married but.....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009):

hey,

take it easy. just take it easy.

dont feel guilty about it.

But along with that you should understand your husbands opinion on this. If he is not at OK, stop it.

My brother had a crush on my wife and was showing many signs to her. She reported it to me. I told her to support him to the extend she can possibly. Then they were having great time. we talk so openly. She confirmed that there was no penetration. But they became nude and et to do many things like oral, playing and all. She told that even his pre-cum was all spread on her thighs... finally she used to give him a masturbation to relieve him. She used to make him doing oral for her. He was just 19-20. This lasted for a quite while. I feel very much OK with this.

finally when y younger bro became kind of matured and they both spoke and ended it up.

we still have discussions on it and she used to tell that she liked he playing with her boobs.....

All I mentioned was to tell that it is all right. She informed me before any thing. I think she kind of used womanly trick to see whether I am OK or not.

Similarly, ask your husbands opinion. And be sure that you be affirmed to him and his opinions.

byes

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, daddyj United States +, writes (4 September 2009):

I can tell you as a brother who had the exact thing done to him, it was DEVASTATING. It took me about a year to figure it out, and even asked my brother point blank and he lied to me. I divorced my wife. The problem is I can't divorce my brother. But now I will not even speak to him. Not only what you did as a wife was wrong, it was equally wrong for what your husband's brother did. Is your brother in law married? Go tell his wife what you did. Go admit to your husband what you did. Whatever happens remember it's part of the consequence. Remember the old saying 'be careful what you wish for, you may get it.

My sister in law still does not know about it. I could not bring myself to tell her because it would have not only have broken their marriage up, it would have also destroyed two other innocent victims. My niece and nephew who were only 8 and 10 at the time. You have no idea what you and your BIL have done. All I can say is shame on you and even though you did what you did I won't wish it upon you. I wouldn't wish what was done to me on my worst enemy. I lost a wife I loved very much, I have a brother that I will no longer have anything to do with who I was very close to and almost inseperable. It was the worst kind of betrayal one could imagine. Hope you think about what you did and are prepared to answer to your God when your time comes.

But at least one good thing has come out of this. I am remarried and have a wonderful wife and something I always wanted that I didn't have in my first marriage. Two beautiful children of our own.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008):

IT IS WRONG. Sorry to be harsh but you are cheating on your husbond with his brother. That is cold. How would your husbond feel if he knew you had slept with his younger brother. Are you trying to destroy your husbonds relationship with his brother, and with you and your children?? There is a differance from haveing a 'kink'. And sleepign with your husbond brother. I woudl recomend not doign it again and hopeing that he never finds out

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (6 July 2008):

dearkelja agony auntOk,

I've read everything. No harsh words coming from me, however I am heartened to see overwhelming support for the sanctity of marriage.

It's one thing to do things in a marriage via mutual consent but to me what you have done is betrayed your husband. His brother has also betrayed him. Tell me, do either you or your brother in law have any shame or guilt at all? Are you going to continue this relationship without informing your husband?

It doesn't matter if he wants to see you with another woman, or anyone else for that matter, because in this case, I am guessing mutual consent is involved.

If I had done what you did, I would be asking for forgiveness and I would be feeling some kind of shame. I also wouldn't be able to keep this secret from my husband-if I had one. But that is just me.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008):

In some ways I don't think you need these harsh comments. As you said it was a fantasy, a dream come true.

Yet at the same time you need to consider the other people. You have no intention of leaving your husband. These comments are designed to make you realize before you learn the hard way.

I'm glad you were happy but at the same time, your husband!?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008):

Hi, obviously I don't know you, and the only details I know are in the question. My personal opinion on this is that it is wrong, for me, and i prefer two people in a relationship. But every relationship is different. Some partners can be comfortable with their partners sleeping with other people. But you have to ask yourself is 'is your husband someone who would be okay with his wife sleeping with other people'. You may just have to take the gamble and tell him, making it clear you still love him etc, but maybe he should try it too. Your the only person who knows what is the right thing to do in your relationship, but whatever that is, I hope it works out for you both, and if it doesn't, please remember that there are children in this relationship and they need to be thought of too. Good Luck =) xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, oldfool Australia +, writes (3 July 2008):

oldfool agony auntWhat's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Have you got a sister or female cousin? I suggest you get your husband to hook up with her and have some raunchy sex.

I'm sure you can both relish your experience when you get back in bed with each other. You can tell him how big his brother's cock is, and he can tell you what glorious boobs your sister/cousin has.

I think it's quite a delicious idea!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, DuncanGreen United States +, writes (3 July 2008):

DuncanGreen agony auntOK, I was harsh and I'll apologize. It was just that the sentence preceding the "kink" stuff was "why is extramarital sex like this so frowned upon?" Consequently, I interpreted kink to mean adultery.

Nevertheless, I still don't know if you're going to get an answer to your liking with deeper meaning, but I'll swing in a different direction.

I still frown on what I perceive as cheating. So here's how you go around that with kinky stuff to your liking. Talk with your husband. Shocker, I know. I believe there are people known as swingers, and that's probably your best option.. Prostitutes that you'll never see again also work, but outside of Nevada that stuff is illegal, I think.

Here's why I believe that is your best option. Getting involved with his brother, or other third parties, whether they be friends or acquaintances, could allow emotional attachments to form, driving a wedge between you and your husband. Consequently, I believe third parties such as this would be a severe mistake. Contrastingly, swinging offers kinkiness without attachment to others other than your spouse. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (3 July 2008):

rcn agony auntso if marriage is a vow to you, why do you choose not to honor it? The question is not if it's okay to do what you did. Did your husband allow for this to take place? What you may see as being okay, he may see as a major marriage violation and decide to no longer be with someone who wants to jump on his brother. Blame him for that, not at all. Morals are personal. He has the right to choose not to have someone in his life who believes infadelity is not okay. I know I wouldn't stand for it. I'd say "I don't" faster than saying "I do". You probably didn't receive the answer you wanted because your beliefs are the minority not the majority.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008):

Well, let me ask you this: do you want to be able to have sex with your brother-in-law whenever you want? Would you want the sex to be part of a regular three-way with your hubby and BIL? If the answer is yes, then you try gradually bringing up the topic of having a sexual threesome with your husband, and see if he indicates that he would be interested in that. Then find out from him what women he would want to be in the threesome, and you can tell him you know a man that you'd like to be in a threesome with you and your husband. I think the only way you can have your cake and eat it too is to get your husband to buy in to the idea of threesome, and let him have what he wants first (like you and another woman, or maybe even a foursome with you and two other women), then you can tell him who you'd like to have a threesome with (him and his brother). If you have sex with your BIL on the side without your hubby knowing, that is cheating and it could cause problems in your marriage the longer you keep it a secret from your husband.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

lexilou agony auntWe are not here to answer in a way you want to hear. You asked our opinion, you got it

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (2 July 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntOh yes and please, please come back and tell us exactly what your husband said when you told him you screwed his brother.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

DeeDahDoh, not only are you a nasty little cheat, but it seems you are unable to read.

Several of us have explained why unfaithfullness is wrong in a marriage, especially as you have promised to be a loving and FAITHFULL wife. But others of us have explained that what you are doing is wrong, but mainly because you did not have your husband permission and had sex behind his back. Two different points of view, to explain why in your particular circumstance you are doing wrong.

You asked for "deeper, thoughout answer", well if you read what we said carefull you would understand that we've spent more time thinking about your hurtfull actions than we should have done.

You seem to be looking for understanding and praise, instead of proper answers. If this is what you seek, then do what I've suggested and speak to your husband about the whole thing. Surely he won't mind, he's already thinking about getting his unfaithfull wife into a bed with a woman. I just hope that woman is not related to him too.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

Well to be fair the question was "I'm attracted to my husband's younger brother and has sex with him. Why is this so wrong?"

The question therefore asks, what is wrong with sleeping with your brother in law. Which was answered. Which we all obviously agree that we are against it.

We were stating marriage vows to make a strong point about them. Not because we didn't think you knew what they were, but because we felt that they should be taken seriously.

So heres a 'deeper, thoughout answer,' think about this from your childrens point of view, your husbands point of view, and every persons point of view that you will hurt and affect, then you shall have your answer.

Suffering from emotional pain is so heartbreaking because you can't do anything about it. It calls on strength that might not be there, not because they're weak, but because they've been thrown totally into the deep end by the people they supported on.

We (or I wasn't) being rude, because all I was doing was slamming down the point.

Theres your 'deeper' answer.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow. You folks are harsh. I wanted some answers, but I wasn't prepared to be talked to like I'm some hateful b*tch who shouldn't have ever bothered to even get married. I love him husband and our kids. We've been married for several years.

Some of you are making assumptions that if he wanted to sleep with another woman I would say no. You are wrong. I've encouraged him to flirt with our mutual friends on the side. I personally don't believe in just going out and sleeping with whomever, but I think it's probably natural to be attracted to people you are around often.

DuncanGreen, kink does not translate to "extramarital affairs". It means something done in addition to regular sex, like spanking, having hot wax poured on you, or being led around on a leash, sniffing shoes, stuff like that.

I'll ask another question to perhaps clear this one up a bit more. I think most of you completely missed the entire point of my question. I know what marriage vows are, that wasn't what I was asking. I was looking for a deeper, thoughout answer, not something that I already knew; i.e., marriage is a vow.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Dr Vendetta United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

Dr Vendetta agony aunt"my husband would love to see me with another woman."

Yeah.. because its talked over and either is or isn't agreed on.

screwing your brotherinlaw behind his back with out him knowing makes its frowned upon because that makes you a bad person :)

and if you REALLY loved your husbands you woulnd't have been unfaithful and a cheating lil'tarty bit.

do you have a sister? if not.. how would you like if if you husband was slamming your sister or mother from behind?

*whap whap whap*

or do you have 2 sisters?... cause then he could REALLY have some fun. espically if ones younger and fitter than you. hell maybe he can get it on with your sister and your mum.

whats that? how dare i?

huh... well hwo'd you like that... i'm being frowned upon.

well smack my ass and call me a bitch.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

lexilou agony auntFantasy should remain fantasy. If you thinks its ok to have a bit on the side then you shouldnt have got married. Yes his brother is attractive but you made a vow. This will come out eventually and how do you think it will make your husband feel, especially as its with his brother. You need to grow up a bit and understand that marriage is for keeps.

We all get tempted but we dont have to act upon it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (2 July 2008):

Extra-marital sex is not necessarily wrong, it is true most people frown upon this and the initial idea of what a marriage is certainly does, especially from many religious points of view, so it depends on the point of view taken. The most significant point of view to determine what is right or wrong in your marriage is that of you and your husband. If you had an open marriage and had agreed that under certain conditions, you could sleep with other people, then for both of you it would be ok.

However, I am assuming that your husband does not know, and has not agreed to you having sex outside of marriage, or specifically with his brother.

The reason it would be wrong in this case, as in most cases, is that it is a severe violation of trust, which can cause someone you love a great deal of pain, and put your relationship and family at great risk. In addition to this, in your case, you also put your husband's relationship with his brother at risk, which can severely impact their entire family. In short, sleeping with your husband's brother can lead to the devastation of two families. Your husband's brother also carries the same responsibilities.

This kind of behaviour is really only ok if it is agreed upon by everyone involved before hand. I get the feeling that this has not been done - in this case, prepare yourself for some interesting times ahead.

Good luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (2 July 2008):

rcn agony auntWhen you get married, you're to stay with your husband and not allow temptations of others overcome you.

If you believe it's okay. It should be find for you to let your husband know what happened. It would also be okay for you to tell your children what you've been doing.

You say you love your husband, but your willing to gain self benefit and cause hurt to him. That's not love. Love is completely respecting who you're with and the bond between you. Respecting their feeling, and not causing harm to them. And being married does not give you rights for sex with the brother.

This question should be asked on Jerry Springer. You're not asking for help. You want others to agree with you justifying a wrong.

I have a brother. If I were married and found out my wife slept with my brother. I'd let him have her and file for divorce the next day.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

Don't you think thats a bit of a stupid question?

'Bit' was probably used in understatements. You could've at least guessed the answers.

Its frowned upon for many reasons youngling (important words in Caps):

1. You have VOWED to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with your husband, who you CLAIM you love.

2. You have no intention of leaving your husband and having his brother at the side?! Wtf! What do you think about that?! How would your husband feel, betrayed by his brother and his wife - two of the most important people in his life. And what would you two have done to your children?!

3. Going back to children, don't you think it would be confusing to see what they would call him.

Obviously you could continue this, destroy the family, loose custody of the children or become a single mother, and then learn the hard way why having an affair is a bad thing.

But maybe the hard way is the only way with some people...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, DuncanGreen United States +, writes (2 July 2008):

DuncanGreen agony aunt"everyone has some sort of kink"

That's the part where you lie to yourself to rationalize your actions.

You're trying to imply that everyone has extramarital affairs and I don't quite buy that. It would be fine for you and your husband to have your respective fantasies, but these should not be confused with real life choices.

If having a side dish is that important to you, you should reconsider your role in a marriage.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, AllyCat Australia +, writes (2 July 2008):

AllyCat agony auntPersonally i think it is wrong.

when you make a vow as important as marriage, you have to be positive that the man u are marrying is all you want and all you will ever want. as we are only human, we are constantly tested, but true love means that u will overcome these temptations.

i think that before u act on your fantasies, u should talk to your partner and discuss your feelings, it may cause trouble, but it may also give you some insight on how he feels about infidelity or a possible open marriage.

i guess each to there own, but if he doesn't know and hasn't consented, then it's cheating....sorry to say.....but i guess u already knew that

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, scrazy Canada +, writes (2 July 2008):

scrazy agony auntYou did not just ask that.

I'm sorry, but I have to ask, but what vows did you have at your wedding? Did you pay attention at all during the ceremony?

Why bother get married if you're not going to be faithful to the man you "love"? It's not love if you're going to hurt him, by sleeping with his younger brother.

Do you honestly think you can confess that to him and he'll be okay with that? Like "Oh, you slept with my younger brother and you want to sleep with him some more? Okay honey, just use protection!"

Forget it, I can't even pretend to empathize with you - I suggest you don't screw around with your husband's brother again, and you don't tell him what an unfaithful woman you are.

After all, that would be the "loving" thing to do. So you don't ruin their relationship because you had to be selfish and decide to do something so hurtful. I don't care if you got a little drunk with him, you still had the intention and guess what?

Congratulations, you got your way.

Your husband deserves a free sex card now. So if he sleeps with your mother, sister, best friend, etc...You can't say a word, because after what you've done? What can you really say to him?

Honestly. WHY would you have bothered to get married?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

Why do I keep answering these stupid questions... I'm probably sicker than you...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

Your husband would like to see you with another woman but this has not happened yet. You claim you love your husband but you had sex with his brother? Did you get your husbands consent to do this? Did your husband agree that you could sleep with other men? Did he agree that you could sleep with his brother?

You slept with his brother because you found him "attractive" and wanted your "favourite fantasy to come true". It was your fantasy, is it your husbands, or is an unfaithfull wife something that he might think is a nightmare.

You want to know why this is wrong, well it's probably not wrong for your marriage if your husband agrees. Why keep this a secret. Go and tell your husband what you have done. Tell him you want to continue having sex with his brother. If you have his consent then you need to make arrangements to keep this thing secret from the children you claim to love.

If your husband dosen't understand then you are a nasty little cheat. Not only have you been unfaithfull but you have probably ruined the relationship between these two brothers for your own selfish aims. Why should you decide whether or not to stay with your husband? Why shouldn't he have a say in whether he divorces you over this or not? It's your "kink" and you like it and want to do it again? Well go and get your husbands permission first. It's not fair to cheat on him, and leave him in the dark? Who knows he might fancy your sister, mother or best friend and may enjoy what you have done.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tremor Australia +, writes (2 July 2008):

Tremor agony auntExtramarital sex is generally frowned upon because when you marry someone, you promise to be faithful to them.

By sleeping with someone else, you are breaking the promise you made to your husband.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I'm attracted to my husband's younger brother and had sex with him. Why is this so wrong? "

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.234375!