A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm quite a generous person and I always try to put people ahead of me. However I feel used at the moment. Most of my friends no longer live where I live, moved away, uni, jobs etc so I barely see them.I saw one of them who I've always considered to be a great friend, for a couple times over the past month. She owes me money which she won't volunteer to give. I sent her a message 2 weeks ago asking for advice, baring in mind I always help and support her. She hasn't replied and I haven't brought up the money either.She is constantly going out and I know she has great new friends but I miss our friendship. She has changed a lot and I honestly have been really upset about this as she doesn't seem to care. I know she is busy but she can find time for others and I feel awful.I'm annoyed about the money, as the principle is the poignant point and I am deeply hurt by her actions about the friendship :( I don't know how to feel better?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (7 April 2015):
Money is the root of all evil! Money can ruin ALL kinds of relationships. I know two older ladies who I used to work with. They were best friends and decided to leave and go and start a business together. Fantastic right? No! Money got involved and they are no longer friends. I don't know exactly what happened but money played a role somehow in ruining their friendship.But you're kind and giving and should not have your generosity taken for granted. Your friend is being cold towards you and I don't know why? Maybe it's her new friends or something else. It's never easy when a friendship ends or is having problems. How do you feel about her generally? If she called or txt and said she was sorry and wanted to meet up...would you agree? Would you be able to forgive and forget even if she never repaid the money?Is it the money you want back? If so you might have to let it go is you've not succeeded already in getting it back. My advice is, if you want to mend your friendship, take a step back, take time out and away from your friend. Focus on you and make new friends. YOU deserve to be happy and should not dwell on this girl. Easier said than done but you're not getting anywhere with her. Use this as a learning tool and next time something similar happens I know you'll be cautious. But having said that this isn't your fault. People can be cruel sometimes and there is little we can do apart from try to rise above it and you will.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 April 2015):
 I don't think it's YOU, not doing good with people. I think you are a VERY good friend and person, who would give the shirt of her back if someone asked.
The only problem with that is, NOT everyone "needs" that "shirt" they just TAKE TAKE TAKE.
The longer you wait to ask for the money back, the bigger the chance is you will never see it. Yes, 25 Pounds may not be a lot of money, but like you said the PRINCIPLE is a big deal, if someone borrows money, THEY pay back ASAP.
That is why I say call her (not text) and say hey how are you, I need my 25 Pounds back when can you pay me? It may not be "Kosher" in "polite society" to bring up debt/loans, but it's even less "Kosher" to ignore a debt.
Best advice I can really give you? Don't loan people money. It is OK to say no, I can't lend you any, sorry. You ARE allowed to say NO to people, friends AND family. It's OK and it certainly doesn't make you less of a friend.
And don't be afraid to "drop" people who turns out to NOT really BE a friend. No need to tell them just slowly cut the contact.
IT IS NOT the number of friends that matters, is the QUALITY. I'm serious about that. I have some that goes back to Kindergarten, but most are from college (25+ years ago) - a couple have "dropped" off, and come back around - some have been steady friends. I KNOW who I can trust in a pinch and for me that is WAY more important then having 350 "friends" on Facebook. Know what I mean?
And yes it DOES hurt when someone you consider a friend starts to ignore you. You just need to learn to let that go, pick yourself up and keep going. (without that person).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): Sometimes friends just move on when they go to uni. Sometimes there's actually a larger picture where the friendship wasn't really what you thought it was.I had a best friend when I was your age. She'd been my best friend when I was nine years old. When I was 13 I had no choice but to move to a different school. Around the age of 17, we met up again and became best friends again. I got married very young and she was my bridesmaid. She had already started university and, finally, she just dumped me as a friend. I was heartbroken, but it was not for the first time.Looking back, she'd done horrible things to me in the past and I'd always 'taken' it and tried to move on. When I was about 10 I had to go away during term time and I came back and she and another girl had turned everyone in my year against me - I'm honestly not exaggerating. It was really traumatic for me and my parents didn't step in to help. It's left me with scars even today, fear of being suddenly rejected en masse, through no fault of my own. It was me who kept making the effort to regain her friendship.When I went to a different school, she really didn't care all that much. I found it very hard to make any new friends and was depressed and miserable throughout my secondary schooling. I missed her and our friendship terribly. Meanwhile, she'd moved on and had loads and loads of new friends.When we met up at 17, the bond came back very quickly. I had no other friends though, and she had loads. She'd never really include me with any of them and sometimes she or her mum would let slip that she had done loads of other things and just not invited me. At the same time she acted like my best friend and I loved her.When she went to university I was absolutely heartbroken. In younger years we'd both been equally the brightest girls in class. We both loved studying. But behind the scenes my family life had become absolutely unbearable. I'd become anorexic and my grades weren't good enough to get me to university. I gave her loads of lovely gifts when she left and didn't show her how heartbroken I was. She knew I was anorexic but she had a weight problem and said she wished she had it so she could lose weight.She did try to keep up a semblance of friendship for a couple of years. But finally the pain of receiving no reply to my letters (yes this is years ago when people still wrote!) or receiving a couple of lines, started to hurt too much. I knew she'd begun an affair with her married lecturer and, in turn, had been given lecturing work and the chance to do a PhD. Meanwhile, I'd had a baby and started a course in Art. She finally just stopped responding at all, visiting my daughter once. Even when I had a baby, she didn't care about me, she just wanted to know what it felt like physically.Pathetic as it sounds, I still miss her terribly. With a divorce under my belt and a child in tow, I finally did go to university and worked my way right up through to the top of the educational system. It was years after she did. I look at her online profile as a lecturer and what's uncanny is that her academic interests completely dovetail with mine, just like they did when we were very young girls; we really were 'joined at the hip'. Looking back, in my logical mind I know she was utterly selfish. So many signs were there all along. Her mother had been abandoned by the Dad and she absolutely spoiled my friend, but also made sure she worked hard. The mother had been involved in getting her to turn everyone at school against me, I found out years later. The mother was behind the scenes all the time, guiding my friend in how to make strategic moves to get ahead fast. And this hurt, because I'd loved her mother too when I was little. The mother actually committed suicide some years ago and my gut feeling it was because she'd realised what an utterly selfish daughter she'd brought in to the world and raised. Her daughter rarely came to see her and thought only of herself.But much as I know this, I still feel the hurt of that lost bond that we had as very innocent children, where I trusted her completely and we had all the fun the children had, whilst doing our homework together and talking of our plans.So, what I'm saying to you is that if you look at your friendship with the friend who is hurting you because she's gone to university then yes, on one level it's very simple: she's met new friends and finds you boring and stale. Your life hasn't moved on, it would seem. But look beyond that as well. See the larger pattern and look for details that show she probably didn't care all that much anyway, and wasn't ever the friend that you thought. Look to your own life, and how you are going to move forward. Cut contact with her and bring things into YOUR terms, not hers. At the moment she is dictating the pace and style of your friendship. I wouldn't even bother trying to work it out like I did with my friend. Just move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie, you've given me that straight and I'm grateful.
I think people take the p*ss out of me cause I just accept things so freely. I'm hurting cause I hate feeling this low and losing friends is something I abhorrently hate.
I must try to realise I can do better with people - But how?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi A female reader, anonymous - I appreciate your answer.
It is £25 gbp and it's because I asked her for advice lastly, and she ignored my message. So I don't want to ask for the money as well if she wouldn't even respond to my wanting of advice.
I know what you're saying and I will move on with the friendship as a whole, but I get attached to people and feel very hurt as I thought she enjoyed being around me.
When I heard she wasn't in the mood for doing something with me though, that really upset me. I know she knew I heard that.
I have been through this with a few others and it does hurt me as I am very sensitive. I need to be stronger in my emotions but I hate feeling this way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2015):
I agree that in the future DO NOT let people money (specially the people who HAS to be prompted to give them back).
Call her up, say hey Lisa (insert name) I knows it's been a while since you borrowed XX Pounds and I'm in a situation where I NEED that money back, so when can you pay me back? Now if she asks WHAT you need money for tell her that is not the issue, the issue is YOU want you money back. IF she gets defensive or mad.. well, then you know NEVER to lend her a dime again.
Being generous is great, but NOT feeling ABLE to ASK for your money back - when you NEED your money is NOT.
PUT on your BIG girl panties and tell her you need your money back. Don't give long explanations as to why, JUST that you need your money back.
I have lend people money. Friends, family and a few times a co-worker - and the ones I HAD to ASK for my money back from I NEVER lend money to again.
If you feel "mean" for asking for your money, don't LEND money out.
And GET your money back now, if she seems to be out the door as far as being a friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi WiseOwlE, thanks. Everything you've said is true. It isn't about the amount of money (£25 gbp) is the principle of the avoidance. I asked her for advice a couple weeks ago and got nothing back yet I know she can reply if she wants to. It upsets me cause I used to care a lot about her and I feel used and low.
She knows how I'm feeling with things at the moment and I don't feel valued at all. People say you should say how you feel to get it off your chest but I'm sure that looks desperate.
I have accepted her changes but I'm really hurt about the situation overall as she used to be such a close friend so it is hurting me. I'm sure, however, if she saw this, she'd say I was being needy. I overheard her saying she wasn't in the mood to do something with me, when I could hear her! :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): The purpose of a promissory note/ IOU is; to file a small claims suit, if someone refuses to pay you back after signing an agreement to do so. If it wasn't that much, it's better to write it off; than become enemies over petty cash.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): She isn't responding because she doesn't want to be confronted about the money she owes. You don't have to put people ahead of yourself. Just treat them the way you want to be treated yourself. Money-issues breaks up marriages, friendships, families, and business partnerships faster than anything else.
Unless it was a substantial amount of cash, let it go and move on. Cut all ties. You can miss her all you like, but don't be dumb. She doesn't value your friendship as much as you value hers; or she would have made giving your money back a priority.
There is no real friendship between you. Just the fact you like her a lot. She may have played on your feelings and took advantage of your generous nature. Once you learn that about someone, you distance yourself immediately. The friendly feelings you have toward her are misdirected, if they're not being reciprocated.
Cut her loose, and write this off as a lesson learned. If she avoids you, she doesn't value your friendship. She has no intention of paying you back. She played you for a sucker. If out of the blue she shows up and pays you back, never give her one red cent ever again.
There is an old proverb that partially goes " a fool and his money are soon parted." You maintain better friendships if you keep money out of it. Ask them to sign an I.O.U., or a promissory note, if you give someone a substantial amount of money. Otherwise; give with no expectation of getting it back if you don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): I went through a period in my early 20s when I lost most of my friends as you have so I went out, found some new interests and made new ones. You are growing up and discovering who you are so it is natural that your adolescent relationships change. Your friend is not the person she once was and neither are you. She didn't reply to your message so that probably indicates she doesn't want to be as close as you do any more.
Did she owe you a lot of money? If it is a small sum could she have forgotten? Either way you need to mention it to her when you next see her but don't be tempted to text/message about it as these things are best managed in person. A text that reads "You owe me x pounds" doesn't come over well. Don't make a big deal out of it a casual "Oh I forgot the money you owe for "whatever" is......" That should suffice.
Your friend is probably not trying to purposely upset you. She has just moved on and you need to do the same.:)
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