A
male
age
30-35,
Leo55555
writes:Help I am absolutley fuming about my relationship/not relationship.I stupidly had an affair with a girl who had no real ties to her partner and she let it happen too. It got too intense and she got it all her own way as she said i knew what i was getting into. Meant her seeing me when she felt like it and hols etc with him. i let her get her own way too and she thought she could do anything she pleased.Understandibly i got fed up playing second fiddle so after months of arguing bout him no contact me breaking it and making up (this went on for a year) I text her and told her it was over. Didnt want to but she needed a kick in her smart pants and i was going mad.Anyhow our paths crossed at work three months later (no contact) and she hated the sight of me and was generally quite nasty. I couldnt believe the feelings had died esp as she hated the sight of me. I pursued her as we became friends as well but the whole thing was complicated, which is why i broke contact.Took about two and a half months for her to be less cold and she agreed to meet outside of work as she knew i was leaving her place again soon. I didnt know what was going to happen but she said drinks and a meal no strings. Ended not going out and up in bed all night and it was like we hadnt been away and had not seen each other for 8 months. She told me she had split with her partner too as the attraction was no longer there and she had told him this. Cut two days later she is nasty as hell to me calling me selfish, I tell her some home truths about how nasty she has been since i had been working at same place, she doesnt like but we both apologise. She is then sick off work for a week with her head messed up, sent her flowers and stuff and she blows hot and cold. Her ex gets in touch and is all nice to her and she sees him the following weekend! Now I am still like the enemy but not sometimes. He worms his way back and persuades her to go on a pre booked holiday the following week! i am not too happy and she even wants to see me again two days before she goes but gets cold feet saying its not fair on me although the attraction is there its like she is fighting it as she needs to get herself in order, sort things out with him. She says he is more like a friend and its like her asking me to choose one of my friends or her (I dont thinks so)? I have carnt do anything at this point so let her go and see where the ball is on her return.Well loads of phone calls attention as soon as shes back. And then she tells me she made a mistake when away and slept with her ex and he thinks its all back on. Now i was fairly understanding and told her she was digging a hole for herself and she needed to sort it if the relationship was broken, she agreed.Que the next weekend we wanted to see each other but it doesnt happen as she is feeling all messed up again and also I find out she is seeing him one day. I basically read her the riot act after being so understanding of her situation and now she is agreeing to see him. Que a load of texts call to me again after pulling her on her stunts. I know long term break ups arnt easy but i feel she needs to be strong with him. I later find out she does see him and he has been crying/begging not for her to break up etc and she just goes along with it not to rock the boat.Now a couple of days later I am leaving her place of work and my last week she invited me over and made a real effort for me, had an amazing time again. So much so three days later I invite her to mine and again its amazing. She even texts me she loves me when out in a restaurant. Its the first time she has done this.We then go out again a third time for the 3rd time in 6 days again great and i have now left her place of work.Now heres the rubbish bit. We speak in the week and she lets slip she has kind of arranged to see him again I understandably am not happy and tell her its time she put me first and does she want to be with him or not? She assures me she doesnt but he is going through a bad time. I tell her this isnt and excuse. She is defensive and i end the call. I get a message later with re apologising saying im right and not to worry its just not that easy. Come the weekend she invites me over not him? Again a good time until the morning when i tell her i dont want happening what happened last week, she gets all moody and defensive again, accusing me of being paranoid and not trusting her? i think its because i am challenging her behaviour with regards to not making any decisions.We speak on the phone a couple of times in the week and get on i again ask if she wants to be with him and she assures me she doesnt but he thinks its all back on and she is weak and a coward. I see about making plans for weekend and she says its not a good idea considering nothing has changed and she needs to sort herself out. Im ok with this and tell her im not going to abandon her this time and will be there even if the break up is a bit drawn out if she needs me. The next day she invites me over at weekend to do some charity thing/go out even though she says nothing has changed are you ok with this. Well considering we have been sleeping together having a good time and she has told me she doesnt want to be with him i see no point in saying no. So we do this and go out in her home town something we have never done before as she could be seen with me by frinds fam etc. It was all going well but she began to speak about him a bit something which i dont normally mind but this time i made it clear i wasnt happy about talking about him when with me. She went all moody all the way home, so much so i probably would have left but had been drinking so stayed over. She showed me no affection at all and was distant. The next day too. She even took a call from him and was not very discouraging to him on the phone. When i confronted her and told her it made me feel insecure she said 'I know i could tell' and offered me no reassurance and seemed pissed off with me. I thought she was rude not understanding i would no longer tolerate talking about him after saying she no longer wants to be with him and taking his calls and sounding pleased to speak to him when i was there and should understand how that makes me feel. Why was she so rude to me? To be honest I am now angry and dissapointed in her.I didnt want a row so before I left i said are you ok about me and you and she just said sounding pretty pissed off 'well nothing has changed'. I left and have not heard anything since. That was two weeks ago. I did sent a quick text last week just saying hello are you ok and no response. I think she is bloody rude but also understand she is probably as confused as hell. I dont think i can do any more than cut contact and let her miss me/with her partner/ex partner calling her everyday and feel bad about how she was towards me that day after the nice times we had spent together.If her relationship is that bad she will now have to decide if it is over and the space may make her realise that she has messed up with me.Its sad but i guess she needs to sort herself and the other relationship out if she wants anything to do with me she said that on the phone before we stupidly met up that last weekend when she was off with me.Had to pop to her building last week and caught her staring out at me through the window. Guess she needs time to reflect. Am annoyed because I gave her a second chance and looked like she was going for it but shes still in contact with her ex.What is my best tactic? No contact? Because she is such a coward she will probably be feeling sorry for herself and her behaviour and not pick up the phone.I think i should just play hardball with her as she knows i want a proper relationship and we get on well when not arguing about him? Think she knows this and has pushed me away as i am forcing her to address her issues. I think me not being there will make her decide once and for all as last time i did this was when she did split up with him.Sorry for the long post. What a nightmare! Hope you guys can help.
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affair, at work, flowers, her ex, insecure, split up, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (30 June 2008):
 This is not a complicated situation - it just appears to be that way for you. She enjoys the drama and attention of the situation and she is not motivated to change. She doesn't love you enough to change unfortunately - you may hope she would change but she won't. Your relationship hasn't worked out in the past because of these issues and it doesn't stand much chance in the future. Your best bet here is to do some self-preservation and steer clear. You may have deep feelings for her but they are wasted on the girl. You need to find someone who treats you respectfully and she obviously isn't meeting expectations.
A
male
reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (30 June 2008):
 Hi,
The dreaded word..."Rebound" has entered my head here. Yes, I believe you are filling a space for her and acting as an emotional support for her when she needs it.
Look up Rebound relationship signs on Google and see if some things fit into place. Could be!!!
Take care, G.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 I think you have taken the correct decision by waiting it out. The truth is she needs to be alone in order to figure out her ex situation without any pressure from you, this way she will not regret it later on (the what ifs) or blame you for it. I know this must be very hard on you but the truth is she is not ready to move on just yet.
Try to concentrate in something else, start a hobby. When she is ready, if she still feels for you, she will contact you. If she doesn't maybe it was better that way.
Good luck!
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