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I'm about to serve time in prison, so how do I tell my new interest, and how can the relationship survive?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 May 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 23 May 2014)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

A few days ago, I met this really great guy and even though it's early, things have been going really great for us so far. Yes, I know it's only been a little over a week, but he's been in most of my thoughts and I'm really confident about our relationship.

The problem is, this cold not have come at a worse possibly time. In just a few more bloody days, I have to start serving a 5 month jail sentence for assaulting my ex-girlfriend (I'm bisexual; he knows that). I know I made a mistake, and I know it's going to be tough, but how in the hell am I supposed to convince him to stay with me? I mean, I'm not just going in, but I'm going in for a violent crime too.

So first of all, my first question is, how do I tell him? And if I can convince him to stay, how do we survive my sentence?

I know it's a pretty strange question, but thanks in advance!

View related questions: ex girlfriend, my ex, violent

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A male reader, RevMick United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2014):

RevMick agony auntHi,

I'd be honest and just tell him what happened. But you can't expect anything from him at this early stage.

I'd see about getting some emotional and anger management help, we don't know the reasons behind the violence, but that is neither here nor there.

Even people on death row are allowed pen friends, so try starting with that or offering to be a pen friend to him while you're inside.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014):

Depending on your country you'll be out in three. Just tell him straight up what's happening and hope for the best.

Just be prepared for the possibility that you, a bisexual woman, are going to a place filled with horny, sexually frustrated and lonely women for a few months and he probably won't want to deal with the idea of what will happen in that way.

It's only been a little over a week, OP, and now you're gone. Chances are he won't stick around. Depending on where you're from you should be focussing on preparing for doing time anyway. It's not so bad for women but you have a history of resolving conflict with violence, there's nothing to say you won't end up staying there longer than your original sentence if you're not prepared for what's coming. Better to have your head together and forget about him.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (23 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntI would let go of trying to manage the outcome of your information and concentrate on delivering the news in as honest and low-key a way as possible.

In other words, put it out there and just accept his reaction as his reaction. Don't try to "convince" him of anything.

Think of this as practice for the rest of your life, when you come to explain your circumstances and your actions that put you into the judicial system and into prison.

Perhaps you were trying to "convince" your ex-girlfriend when things deteriorated into something you called "a violent crime"? Do you see my point?

Let go of the outcome. Put your truth out there and things will settle as they will.

It may be that you are focusing on trying to maintain this relationship to take your mind off the stress the next 5 months will no doubt bring you. He's a diversion, a happy one, in an otherwise dismal season for you. It stands to reason that you would try to hang on to something happy.

If you have been working on resolving the issues that brought you to this situation, such as anger management, counseling, dealing with addictive behaviors, if any, do bring it up. But don't expect that to keep him.

Again, just let go of managing the outcome. Tell the truth, and accept what comes as part of your life lessons.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014):

I'm sorry, but I think you should stop thinking about your love life until you've served your time because everyone is entitled to making mistakes, but that was a very nasty one and the last thing you should be thinking about it who you may or may not be able to persuade to wait for you to finish PRISON time.

I too vote for being honest, not trying to convince him to stick around, but you do need to hold off on fantasising about what you may be able to have with this guy because he's still a stranger and you need to get to know each other first - the WHOLE truth about each other.

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A male reader, mista United States +, writes (23 May 2014):

You have to be honest about your situation. But I think you are setting yourself up for failure if you are expecting him to wait for you when you get out. In my opinion I think you should just tell him that you are into him and would love to start a relationship but you are about to go down for at least 5 months. You should let him know that it would be great to have him around as a friend and build a bond towards a possible relationship after your 5 months are up but its not totally expected. Honestly being away for 5 months will allow you to have a clear head as well and the emotional bond that you could build with him through letters if he is willing to do so could lead to an incredible friendship/relationship.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHello,

Putting aside the violent crime aspect, I don't think its realistic to expect someone to wait five months for you when you have only known him a week. Even if it was a five month holiday or five months away on business, it would be hard to ask someone who you barely know to wait that length of time for you. Five months apart would be tough for any relationship, but after knowing this guy for just a week makes it an unrealistic option.

To be fair you hardly know each other after a week. You say you are confident about having a future with him but after a handful of days you have yet to even beginning to get to know the real him and vice versa. I think its premature to think about a future with this man when you have know each other such a short time and have yet to tell him you are going into jail for a serious crime.

Even if he is not put of by the fact you have assaulted a previous partner, and I cant see him agreeing to wait five months for your jail sentence to finish, not after a handful of days.

The only thing you can do is talk to him and explain your situation. Be open and completely honest. Offer him the chance to wait for you and see what he says. I suspect, after a knowing you just over a week and having being told you are going to jail for assault, that he will decline but you never know.

Personally I think you need to serve your sentence, maybe have councilling if you have issues with aggression, and then try to move on with your life. Even if this man does agree to stay with you now, he is likely to change his mind when the reality hits him of trying to visit you in jail.

Mark

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A female reader, sugarplum786 South Africa +, writes (23 May 2014):

sugarplum786 agony auntHonesty is the best policy. Have been on any therapy for anger management? You going to have to come clean and know that he might get scared off. You cannot lie or hide 5 months for disappearing. Its entirely upto him if he thinks you worth waiting for and whether he cannot accept you.

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