A
female
age
41-50,
*YGoddess
writes:I'm 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've known him for 6-7 years. We were friends before anything. I moved from one coast to have. But I am highly insecure which causes me to snoop. I ama professional in Computer spyware and password hacking. A month back I found out abut an email address he had. I found emails from a couple women with nude pictures attached. I confronted him about it. He was highly upset that I snooped, however he tried to explain it away. He never replied to the emails from these women. However why would they send him these kind of photos unless they knew it was allowed or have done it before. He deleted the email. About 2-3 weeks ago I downloaded a keylogger software on our home computer and laptop. I found out he had another email address. With women sending him nude photos wanting to meet for sexual encounters. I didn't alert him of the fact that I knew of the address. Fortunately a friend of mine saw his pic profile on a dating site. He was looking for women who were interested in a casual relationship. I confronted him with it and he promised he would change because he didn't want to lose me or what we have built with each other so far. Stupidly I gave him a second chance. After apologizing to me several times he became more about me and it seemed as if things were looking up. Some part of me would not stop snooping though.Last week while I was about to uninstall the keylogger I found that he changed the cell phone bill password. I logged in and found that he has another phone. I pretty much know every password he uses. So I checked the phone's voicemail. There were women on there planning to meet with him. I asked him did he have another phone and he denies it. Even though I told him that I know he does. I told him it' snot the question of if he's cheating, but who and how many he is cheating with. He blatenly lied. I know not to expect a cheater to tell the truth. I'm afraid to tell him about this other woman I know he's planning to meet this weekend. If he knows i've been snooping. It will make him not even want to talk to me about whats going on. I don't know what else to do. How do I prove that I know without exposing myself of snooping? I have given up everything to move to a city where I know no one just to be with him. What do I do?When we were just friends we liked eachother so much. I thought he fell in love with me the way I did with him. He would always tell me how he wished I lived in his city so we could be together. Now i'm here and he is taking advantage. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): i like the way you are helping your friend with.
i am a hacker to and i stopped for a long time what i am doing because that was my mother that told me to stop.
So i would be honored to be in your place
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): Besides the point that you look like a control freak (sorry but looks like that), he´s one big LIAR. I know and you know what do you have to do about it: just move on. There are so many honest people out there it´s unbelievable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): Good for you - Go out and be happy. x
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A
female
reader, batman319 +, writes (20 October 2007):
 you have every right to be snooping around, if he hadn't been cheating you wouldn't of snooped. My brother is a hacker also, and he controls my computer and things like that and im thakful he keeps an eye out for me. You deserve better, seriously move back home! =]
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Good luck to you in the future. Take care.
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A
female
reader, NYGoddess +, writes (19 October 2007):
NYGoddess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice.. I have decided to move back home. After last nights argument. I notice how unhealthy this is for me. I can't do it.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Your with a complete lying cheat you moved left everything to be with him and this is what you get, pack your bags and move back home, tell him evrything you know and about all the women and when he says he will change and he loves you or whatever he says that makes you stay and do it when you know he has to meet someone and just say "love to stay and chat but the girl that doesnt exists and you dont know is waiting for you" and when you leave NEVER look back!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Hi Honey,
He has got to be the most stupid man on earth, knowing that you can find out so easy. Although normally I think that snooping is totally wrong. If you didnt feel the insecurity that you do, you probably wouldnt find the need to do it in the first place.
You wont want to hear this but personally, I think you should leave him. You have uncovered what a lying cheat that he is.
You are a very clever Lady. Put it to some good use, and dont let your life get dragged down any further by this man.
I know its easy to say, but move back to where you came from, near you family and friends. They will help you heal and you wont bump into him.
XX
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (19 October 2007):
You don't need to prove anything to dump him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): you did NO wrong in snooping. if he were being faithful, there would have been no problem. I wouldn't mind if my husband snooped on my computer interactions, as I have nothing to hide. It's as if the agony aunts feel they need to make that point that you messed up by checking on him. I say, good job..What if you'd of had kids with him? You have to protect yourself, this is your life. Anyways, there is no future here. You can't possibly let him get away with this. If you do, how is he ever going to respect you, or you trust him? It's a dead end. I am sorry that a long time friend betrayed you like this. In most cases, friends make the best partners, but in this case, he obviously never really showed you his true colors so you didn't know he was like this. It's not your fault. You need to move back to where you came from, and leave this behind you. I know it will be hard but you deserve better for your life. And do not give him another shot!!! He will just do more of the same to you. You don't deserve this abuse..
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 You know that what you have done is snooping and a demonstration of a lack of trust.
However, can anyone blame you? Your boyfriend is a serial cheater and liar, I really can't see any problem with you snooping as he has a problem with the truth this lad - how else are you going to find out if he is being faithful to you.
But doesnt this give a clue how your relationship is going to pan out down the years? You will be constantly dredging through his personal communications and he will constantly be thinking of excuses to get out of it.
I think you really need to assess what the future holds for you with this man, good luck in whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 It is very clear how he acts and what you can expect from him. If I were in your situation, I wouldn't give the person another chance.
As to the keylooger and the software, I wonder if you used them because there were things that just didn't seem right (that is, after hints that he could be cheating) or you used them just to check on him, unaware than anything was going on. If there were no hints that anything was wrong, then you have an issue with trusting. In this case, it would not be relevant that you found out something was indeed wrong, because the problem would be an inability to trust anyone. However, I have been there, so I know how you might have felt and I won't criticize you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (19 October 2007):
I am so sorry! You are obviously in love with a pathological lier and an unrepentant cheater. You've tried to salvage this relationship, and that's fine, I am always on the side of giving people second chances, but now there's just no reason to expect him to change or to ever trust him again.
As far as your snooping goes - I wouldn't be too hard on myself about it. As his wife - or live-in lover - you really shouldn't have secrets between you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): First of all there are two issues here:
1) His dishonesty and possible cheating; and 2) your insecurity and breaking of trust.
You have to remember, you are not a law enforcer and he is not a criminal per se. You two are supposed to be partners. What he did is unacceptable, but what you did was also unacceptable too. If things didn't look up nor add up back then, and you still had a hard time trusting him, then the most prudent thing for you to have done was leave him in the dust and move on, rather than snoop around multiple times, breaking the unsaid mutual trust in your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is awkward - usually insecurity in a relationship is a bad thing but obviously here it has lead you to the truth. Be sneaky - just like he has been with you.
Why does he need to know how or what you know. Just tell him that you know everything and if he doesnt explain what is going on then you will call the person you know he is due to meet and ask them.
How do you know they havent been in your home? Dont trust this guy, dont give him an inch either, he must think he is a proffessional liar!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 October 2007):
Your friend coming across a dating site, use that. Also prepare your questions, different versions of the same question. I find sometimes if asked the same thing but a different version he'll trip on one of them.
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