A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:dearcupids! i really dont know what to do at the minute, well, im 17 and i am a lesbian, i was pretty ashamed at first, didnt want to admit to myself or my family but it was easier than i thought, when i introduced my girlfriend to my family, she was amazing, the best thing that had ever happened to me, even though we were young and stupid, i loved her, i still do love her to pieces! we started going out on 5th nov 2006, 22 months we were together, i adore her! she was the best girl in the world, perfect in every way, we had so much fun it was untrue, went everywhere together, did everything together! my family loved her, they got on so well, i still do get on very very well with her family, but the thing is! it hurts so much saying this :'( its her funeral on friday! i just cant stop crying, she went through such a rough time! at first i totally blamed myself! her family went through a lot with her and so did i, her dad hung his self back in feb and she took it terribly, they wernt too close as he and her mum wernt together, i think this made it worse for her, she practically had to go through it alone, then three weeks later she got raped by her dads brother, she didnt tell anyone for 6 weeks, she told me after the 6 weeks and i convinced her to tell her mum, he ended up getting away with it and did it again to her, in june, but she ended up getting pregnant, she told me straight away this time, but she ended up pregnant! i told her id support her, no matter what! i mean, lesbian families bring up babies nowadays dont they? we could get through it, i told her id be there for her through everything and she wanted to get rid of it, i am against abortions but it wasnt her fault and i stuck by her, so did her mum! but i couldnt help her enough, i felt hopeless, helpless, useless! in august she tried to overdose herself, i walked into her room on her and she was, well i wont go into detail but in a terrible state! she was rushed to hospital blue lighted in an ambluence and she was in for 3 days but then she was fine, since then she hasnt spoke to anyone much, i stayed at hers a couple of saturdays ago, normally she would be full of life! she would be energetic, up for a laugh, we would have a good time, but she sat on the end of her bed all night, i cuddled her, talked to her, she just burst out crying, she told me how much she loved me, how she couldnt take it anymore, she wished she didnt want to be here! she just layed in my arms and sobbed, i told her she always had me, i was going no where, she could take her anger out on me, she could punch me till i was black and blue, i adore her and she could tell me anything, she seemed fine! i didnt wanna leave her, the day after she was fine, well she seemed, she seemed to write an awful lot down! the monday she carried er notebook with her all day, she wrote down a lot! but wouldnt show me, then on tuesday 16th september, i was meeting her after college and she didnt turn up, i went to her house n knocked on her door but there was no answer, i heard her music so went in, as i always did, went in her bedroom and she was there! :( she hung herself, it was awful! i screamed, tears running down my face, i yelled for help, her next door neighbour ran to me asking what the hell was up, before i could even ring her mum the police, ambulence, all the neighbours were there! then her mum turned up, the house was mental! people, after people, after people, they were all asking me what had hapened but i was speechless, couldnt do anything, i froze! her mum ran upstairs and started screaming, we got sent out, the police had to deal with it, she had left her book and i have it now, they kept it at first for evidence and whatever it was for, ive read it over and over again, she explains everything in it! i never realised things were as bad as they were, i think to myself now, if i was a better girlfriend and i knew what was up, maybe i could of helped! everyones so close at the minute, were all going throgh it together, my family and her family are been amazin to me, ive been awake since i saw her, i think ive had like 10 hours sleep since it happened! it will be 2 weeks tomorrow since i found her, its awful! its dreadfull, i wish i could do the same but ive seen the devistation in everyone, i couldnt do it to them! i have nothing to live for now, she has had tests done on her body! surely she wouldnt want them? they wudnt even let her rest, i cant see her :( i just wish i could tell her i love her, how much i miss her already! it doesnt seem real, will this pain ever go away?!? will i always feel as bad as this?? im sorry about this huge post im just feeling so down and didnt know what else to do! i needed to let this out, again im sorry, thanks for reading, please dont feel sorry for me, any advice will be wecome? has anyone else been through anything like this? something to make it go away?!??? thankyou so much guys :( xxxx
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female
reader, louxxlouxx + ♥, writes (30 September 2008):
 It is so sad to hear what you have been through. Don't punish yourself for this. It is a common thing to do but you couldn't have done anything more. It sounds to me like all you did was make her last months bearable. She had had to deal with so much and no one could have saved her. She wasn't herself anymore and that is prob the hardest thing for you to accept.
The pain WILL get better as time goes by but I am sorry to say that it may be some time before things move on. Use her funeral to say everything you wanted to her and get it off your chest, stay behind at her graveside and let it all out. I would strongly suggest you get some counselling as this will help you come to terms with it all and help your recovery.
This wonderful woman will always be in your heart and your memories. She showed you that it is ok to accept who you are and be happy. After what she had been through she didn't think she could be happy anymore and this is no reflection on you. Talk to your family and her family as much as possible and this along with your counselling will help you remember the good times rather than the tragic parts.
Don't focus too much on the future right now, concentrate on taking this 1 day at a time. If you have photos of you together maybe you could buy a photo album and spend a day filling that after your funeral. You could even try starting your own positive scrapbook and write in your positive memories of your relationship, and maybe put together a cd of her fav songs so when you are feeling down you can have a listen and remind yourself she will always be in your heart.
Remember there are lots of people in your life who love you. Cherish them and accept their help. I wish you the best of luck with everything! x
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