A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m seeking advice from those wiser than me! I have a situation unfolding in my life that has proper knocked me for ten and got me baffled. I feel I could really do with some second opinions as to what is going on.I’m a gay woman in a long term relationship with the woman of my dreams. She is funny, sexy, protective and caring. I am fulfilled in my relationship in every way imaginable and have no issues whatsoever. She is my partner as well as my best friend. It is the happiest relationship I have ever been in and everything just fits. We are preparing to move in together after the summer and I am beyond excited. I can’t stress enough how happy we are together. It’s the real deal! I have always felt my relationship was one of the greatest things in my life and although gives me endless happiness what was missing from my life was my dream job. For the last 7 years I have been working towards it through lots of poor paid jobs with rubbish hours and zero to little career prospects. I’ve always been determined and my partner has always supported me on my journey towards landing my dream job. About 2 months ago, it happened - after a rigorous recruitment process I was offered my dream job! - and it felt as if my life was compete. Perfect relationship AND my ideal job. The job is in the area I’ve always wanted to be in, utilizes my qualifications, has a fantastic salary, great hours and the people I work with are fantastic. I’m made up about the whole thing and wake up every morning feeling fantastic. I still cant believe it happened. Not only have I got the job but because of the big salary, I can afford to do things with my partner we never used to be able to. We eat out, plan holidays, have nice day trips - the works! Overall, this is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I’m on cloud 9.The problem I’m having however is with my boss - an older man. The job I landed is a deputy role where I work very closely with the manager. Instead of being number 1 and number 2, we are a solid team and work side by side through out the day. From the moment we were introduced to each other in the weeks leading up to my start date, we’ve gotten on fantastically. Such is how good our working relationship is, other people in the company have complimented us both on how well we are working together and getting the job done. In the company my manager is very much seen as the strong silent type. He’s well respected and a lot of people said to me he was super professional and very much a closed book when it came to his private life. In the first couple weeks, I saw this for myself. He never mentioned anything about his life outside of work - but still we got on. As the working relationship developed, we started to tell each other things. I now know he has kids and is separated. He knows I’m gay and in a happy relationship. We ask about each others weekends, we have little jokes together and we watch each others back. What worries me most of all, is that in the last couple weeks, I have found myself attracted to him and it scares me senseless.As I write this, I know how it sounds. It sounds like the start of a work based affair but that couldn't be further from what I want and thats the issue. I don't want an affair. I want my happy relationship with my partner - which alongside my new job, has continued to go from strength to strength. I’ve always felt that when you hear about people who have affairs in the workplace, its because they aren’t happy at home. But for me, it’s different. I am really happy at home and have no concerns about my relationship. I don't understand why I’m having these feelings of attractions towards my boss!The nature of my job is in psychology and sometimes I look at things in my own life and apply the things I work with to my own issues. Part of me wonders if this attraction is a misplaced excitement over my new job? Or wonders if there’s something about my boss that I simply find attractive and because I’ve never had a situation like this before, don’t know how to react? There’s definitely something going on psychologically and in my brain because I’m even having sexy dreams about him. Has anyone else ever had anything like this?My concern is not that I’ll have an affair - I know I wont do that because its simply not what I’m after. My concern is that this attraction is very much there and I don't want it getting in the way of my job. The things that seem to make our working relationship so fantastic also seem to be the things that make the attraction worse! The nature of our job is that we work together closely, often on our own. How do I stop myself being attracted to him?Please help. I dont want any distractions at my dream job :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): I'm going to make some counter points to anonymous' long post. It was really well thought out and dare I say, impressive. However I want to do some service of balancing the scale on the points being made.
I can't say I'm as wise as you may want me to be since I'm only 21... And well, this message is coming in real late so I not exactly expecting you to read it. But to the others who will this might be helpful in allowing them to make judgements based in their own circumstances. (In my answer "AP/AP's" would refer to "Anonymous Post/Anonymous' Post")
On the basis of suppression and sexuality; the assumption would be that you aren't freely able to be as "lesbian" as you would want to (or ought to). AP's reasoning is that there is a tendency for the mainstream (or conventional?) sense of sexual attraction to deviate from the groups in society which have been marginalised. So then as a lesbian you would have to "form" your own way of being attracted sexually, this in itself is a suppression. AP's point is sound however the reality of suppressed desires isn't so apparent. Attraction preferences aren't solely based on the likened attraction to either the male or female sex. Physically speaking, there are of course, many other factors involved which include but are not limited to, an individual's height, skin tone and body composition. Any individual's preference is by definition a conscious decision. In effect an individual would have to "choose" their preference as they see fit. Fundamentally to reach any preference, it would require experience to judge. This means an individual may never know if a particular experience may be to their preference because they were unable to experience it. So a marginalised group's sense of sexual attraction would be based on their experience to decide on their preference. An individual's sense of sexual attraction cannot be suppressed simply because of their lack of experience.
AP's suppression concept would now be the main basis of her advice. Her frame in context is dependent on this seen (and unseen)aspects you live under which mean you have had to repress your relationship. You have to act appropriately "as a lesbian couple" as much as you *can* to your "lesbian partner". And that is to say that your relationship may not be inclusive to everything related to lives and I suppose AP says this is what remains "hidden". AP says that now that one of your "hidden" parts can be shared with such passion this gives rise to the suppressed sexual feelings. I don't think AP's point really is suppression at all, it's merely a new experience. In addition hiding aspects of your life for a relationship isn't exactly "hiding" in most cases so I'm inclined to say that postulation doesn't stand on it's own.
The most interesting point by AP is regarding male validation. Now to some extent AP has regarded your colleague's sex as a male being irrelevant to your feelings of attraction towards him. But in another way she is very much in consideration that you may in fact be attracted towards him because he *is* a man. A man of power, who has set boundaries, who respects you and who you feel validated from. This, AP says, he has enticed you and, once again, what has long since been suppressed from you sexually is now being revealed. The trouble is, AP hasn't described sexual attraction, AP has described infatuation and has interpreted it to be a form of sexual attraction. Even if it is sexual attraction, AP is making the claim that you are responding to the factors involved (as AP has described them) *and* you're responding to male validation. To top it all off, the concept of suppressed sexuality is used once again to demonstrate where this all starts from. AP has been specific in this regard, AP declares that you feel valued things you were not aware you need to feel valued for. That point does carry much meaning, to say you feel good about validation, to say that the person who validates you matters and to say that this person is a *man*. The point as it stands is fine, but all of that isn't to do with AP's concept of suppression. It would hold weight on how you felt based on occurrence and reflection, no "hidden feelings" are being "released" in such a cases.
The fundamental issue with AP's answer is that she is outright stating that sexual orientation is a choice. I am not going to pick a side but it must be noted that sexuality broadens much deeper than the simple attraction between people. Sexuality can be looked into by depths of an individual and how it relates to them within before even extending further outside on their sexual traits towards others outside of it. Having said that, I disagree with AP's points regarding marginalised resulting in repressed a sexuality based on the mainstream's culture.
The sooner you can be honest with your feelings the sooner you can be practical in dealing with it. The distraction is most likely coming from you not being earnest enough to yourself in realising just exactly what the implications on the sexual attracted are to your boss.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Have you ever considered being bi?
If not, then:
well,you being a psychologist would know that we can NOT control our emotions, only our actions.
So you can't get rid of your emotions, but you CAN control your actions.
You're simply having the wrong train of thoughts: "Oh,but I heard this and that and that... and they did it coz they were unhappy at home" NOPE!
Cheaters DO NOT cheat because of someone else. They will say that because it JUSTIFIES their actions in the eyes of others and it provides an explanation.
And we are always looking for explanations, aren't we? For reasons?
But life can be pretty random and cruel sometimes.
You've worked hard to get all you want, now you have to work HARD to keep it that way. I think that's the clincher-most people think good relationships are easy, whereas they're actually a lot of hard work.
Think about your degree-did you get that certificate easily? Or did you have to spend several nights in the library? Think about your ideal job-did you get that easily? Or did you have to go through 7 years of waiting, hard work and a rigorous recruitment process?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I'm not a lesbian, I'm heterosexual. But I do feel that sexual categories are often impositions placed on people and can cause problems. I've plenty of gay friends and my sister is gay.As a straight woman I am very, very rarely attracted to men these days and for a long time now. I get on with gay people so well because I just don't embrace the whole mainstream, heterosexual culture that were constantly fed. For that reason, I am rarely attracted to a man, and I fully understand why a lot of lesbian women could never be. But I definitely have never wanted to be with a woman. I just don't like the 'mold' that most men have to fit into and a lot of my research is into gender, particularly how men are molded in patriarchal societies; I'm a PhD researcher now.But when I AM attracted to a man it is very 'full on'; I can barely cope with the feelings I have and what I experience.What I put this down to is having my own sexuality repressed for most of my life. I say this because I grew up in an incredibly strict family, married very young (to a man who soon did not want any sex with me, so we were effectively celibate against my will) and I then became a single parent very young. This was two decades ago and stigma surrounding single parenting was so painful for me to deal with - I'd led a very sheltered, strict life and was just basically a quiet, kind woman, working incredibly hard to make a good life for my daughter - but at that time single parents were castigated as the scum of society and it felt like if I even showed a man that I liked him I would be considered a slut.Ever since then, single parents have received nothing like the kind of inclusion and support that gay men and lesbian women have; we are still marginalised, but people rarely ever think about the effects of this on us. Some of my gay friends 'get it', but also admit it never occurred to them to think that single parents are basically stigmatised for reasons of sexuality. As well as this, I worked in horrible jobs for years, all for men who treated me like dirt - snooty, dominating men who refused to treat me as if I had any intelligence whatsoever. I was also very pretty and got a lot of attraction from men. But over time I just learned to 'close down' sexually, it was the only way I could cope. I was totally misplaced - an intellectual and creative, with no choice but to work in submissive office jobs to support my child. I was incredibly depressed. Today I could only ever be attracted to a man who excites me intellectually - and I'm a very brainy girl, so meeting men like that rarely happens for me. But there have been a couple of times when I have been left with absolutely no doubt whatsoever that I'm heterosexual - it's like years of repression suddenly disappears, and for that I feel glad.How does all this apply to your situation? Well, as I say, my elder sister is a lesbian and we both agree that we've both had to repress a lot of our sexuality because of judgement. Even though people today seem far more open minded about lesbianism and single parenthood, both are still very marginalised. I don't feel it's the same for gay men at all - gay men are now almost a dominant force within society, colonising whole towns or bars in nice areas of town - and my friends admit this - it's not so much that they've integrated, but that they've dominated key areas of society. Yesteerday I was talking to my electrician who'se lived in the same area for 30 years and who is definitely not homophobic. But he said he can no longer go to a decent pub where he lives because they've all be taken over by gay men and he feels out of place. So, although they still undoubtedly face problems, gay culture has been commercialised and has affected heterosexuality in that a lot of the clothing and grooming has been (commercially) made available to straight men. It's not the same for lesbian culture, not by a long chalk, and it's not the same for single parents; we are still marginalised but not many people think that it's because we've dared to cross some heterosexual boundary and live without a man in tow.In situations of marginalisation the sexuality of those involved becomes both repressed AND particularised. By the latter, I mean that we simply form different ways of seeing things, different ways of being attracted to people - we're just not mainstream and so we don't get attracted to normalised people or normalised situations.In your situation I think what has happened is that despite being 'out' as a lesbian and despite society being more accepting, aspects of your sexuality have remained suppressed without you realising, because lesbianism is still relatively taboo. I'm suggesting that this does something to your sexuality. Yes, I fully believe you have a very healthy and wonderful relationship with your partner - but I also feel, through knowing what my sister went through - that you've had to repress other aspects of your life for that relationship to be exclusive and to be as happy as it is. It's still not easy for anyone to live as a lesbian couple, regardless of how happy they may be. In this case it seems like your love of psychology/your job is probably not something that you've shared with your partner? So, yes, you are on the right track when you say it's about your new job and the excitement of that. But I think it's also to do with SHARING a genuine love of what you do - this can be a massive turn on, particularly if it's not something you can easily share with anyone. Another thing I think is going on is that this man is not your typical bloke. He has power, yes, but it seems like a power that he's earned and that you really respect, because it's come from working hard in an area you love and because it has led to him treating you ethically. Power is a hugely attractive thing WHEN it involves being treated with respect and is inclusive. Let a whole host of other readers complain when I say this but most men in powerful jobs tend to exclude others, particularly females for fear of their power being taken away - and believe me, I know this happens even in the most supposedly open minded and educated circles - I could tell you of two instances in the last year where this has happened to me in my job, which is in one of the world's leading universities.This guy doesn't seem to be putting you down in any way. And my guess is that this is another part of you that you may have suppressed without realising it - the need to feel valued by a man (I mean intellectually and for your work) in ways that go far beyond the normal "assessing gaze" that men apply to women.Now that it's happening, you feel very connected to him, and it's led to an attraction.Finally, I think his very strong sense of boundaries is making you feel very, very safe with him, in combination with the above qualities. Few men these days exert very safe and healthy boundaries but this guy is doing this. And this can be a hugely rewarding feeling in today's society - I personally love taking time with friends of either sex, and I love when they exert their own boundaries and respect mine. The feeling of intimacy that it creates when they do 'let you in' a bit is really lovely. And if there are other things in place that attract you to the person, then this can be such a turn on. Feeling very safe with a man is one of the most wonderful feelings for any woman, regardless of her sexuality. It very much seems that you had automatically ruled out, for yourself, the possibility that you could ever be attracted to a man. Because you genuinely are happy with a woman. But also, however happy you are, part of your 'ruling out' a man is habitual. And, to be honest, I think what you are learning is that sexuality is much more complex than we give it credit for and that it's never fixed, but changes over time and grows. It seems to me that you are learning that your own sexuality can surprise you because you feel VALUED, by this person, for things that you were not aware you needed to feel valued for. There is a sense in which this person's gender doesn't matter to you and another sense in which it really does. For example, if this was a WOMAN that you felt this way about, would you act on it? The feelings you have seem in some ways to have nothing to do with gender, they are just wonderful for you. On the other hand, they have EVERYTHING to do with the fact that this is a man because, in your head, you have ruled out that a man could ever make you feel this way and he is 'forbidden' in your mind. And let's not forget that this could, in the end, be the very final 'turn on' for you; that he's taken you completely and utterly by surprise and thrown you for six. As a straight woman I've had that happen to me when I thought I'd never be attracted to anyone again. And then a man has treated me similarly to how you describe and I've felt very similar. TIME will reveal a lot to you. You can't rule out the possibility that this is affecting you so much because it's all so new and exciting and that familiarity may 'breed contempt' as they say. Your feelings of attraction may subside and become those of a deep and loving friendship. OR they may continue to suprise you and you may realise that you are growing and changing as a person, including sexually, into a new life that you love and that may leave your old partner behind.There is no absolute certainty with sexuality. A lot of sexuality IS habitual. I certainly haven't ruled out that one day I may be attracted to a woman; but it's simply never happened and I'm not exactly looking for it. The uncertainty seems to be freaking you out. But I'd say, if you can, and strange as it may sound, to try to ENJOY this and be glad that this is happening - all of these feelings are beautiful in themselves, it's just that we worry because society effectively forces us to choose a sexuality and stick with it. And your feelings will find their right 'place' in the end. Better to have them and to learn about ourselves, than to feel nothing at all. If you really cannot handle what you feel and the uncertainty over your sexuality is just too great, then you can take the easier option and just tell your boss that you don't want to jeopardise your relationship with your partner. But time will tell and right now I think you need more time for things to become familiar and more stable for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): If you are truly lesbian and not ever been bisexual....it could just be a man crush or admiration. If you think like if I was straight I would definitely go for that guy, then that is normal. It is not normal if you are imagining the two of you having or sharing intimate acts such as kissing having sex or etc. If you get excited to go to work every day just to talk to him then there is something amiss. If when youre at home and he crosses your mind and you smile then daydream of the two of you or cant wait getting back to work then something is amiss. If you are just fond of this guy bc he reminds you a lot of you then I wouldn't worry. Only you know these thoughts are of when you are thinking. I love being around men, would rather work with men than women, pick a guy friend over a female. and talk on the phone for 7 hours with a guy, but I in no way want to have sex or an intimate relationship, I am lesbian.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015):
Your a psychologist who needs to apply some cognitive behaviour methods .. try a elastic band around your wrist everytime you feel the kinda lil attraction rearing it's head . Give it a ping and say to yourself this is a job I lub it . I lub my partner . He is my work friend .
It could be that because you two have become close in disclosing personal issues ie your gay . He's separated that this attraction has arising . Try the band
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