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Im 34 and have never had a boyfriend, what the hell am I doing wrong!!!?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 December 2006) 26 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2014)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm 34 and have never had a boyfriend. I have a very good full-time job, a lucrative business on the side, spend a lot on my clothes, hair and appearance, have interesting hobbies, read newspapers and books, go to the gym and generally take care of myself.

I've been to classes, go to the beach, plays, the pool, the races etc. It's not like I'm sitting at home watching tv.

None of these things have made any difference to my relationship status. Guys are just not interested in approaching me or talking to me. I met one at a BBQ recently and we got along famously but he didn't ask for my number or ask the host for my number.

What could I be doing wrong? It's like I am invisible or I'm wearing man repellent.

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A male reader, H8Reality217 United States +, writes (12 September 2014):

this changes my perspective somewhat, didn't think there would be this many women who are still single as in always have been around this age, I guess men vent about their virginity or constantly single more than women do

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A male reader, als77 Norway +, writes (5 January 2011):

Considering that I have never kissed a girl even though my friends (male and female) and family think that I have both the appearance and personality for finding someone, I conclude that the key ingredients for someone are: boldness, timing, confidence and luck...

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A female reader, AnneK Ireland +, writes (6 November 2010):

Thanks for posting this - It's nice to see there are people like me out there! I am 31 and have never had a boyfriend. I am also a virgin. Not for any major moral reasons - I've come close lots of times - but I just want to really like the guy - and be going out with him....it's just happened!

I am told a lot that I am pretty. I'm kind, loving, happy and funny. I have many friends. I socialize often and love to travel. There is not a lot going on in my town -but I travel to friends in other parts of the country and try to get myself out there.

I am shy when it comes to letting someone know I like them. But I think - there's plenty of shy people out there with partners! I just need to be pursued a little (too much to ask?!).

I'm also not overly confident with my body shape - I'm UK14-16. So not too bad - but not skinny. I think I would have more confidence if I even had one boyfriend who loved me once. The longer I'm single - the less confidence I have - it's a vicious circle. I also worry if I do meet someone - he'll run when he hears I've never had a boyfriend or sex at my age! Sigh. I dont know what to do.

I would love to have someone to share life with. I think I have a lot to offer a partner. I have lots of interests and am fun.

I see you posted this a few years ago - any update on your status?! Maybe you have some advise for me now??!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):

I feel your pain sista. I'm almost 27 and never had an "official" bf. oh, i was close recently, i casually dated a guy for 9 months, but that wasn't much. i'm cute, funny, and smart but the only guys who go for me are not my style. my problem is probably the fact that i rarely approach men and i have a bad habit of sleeping with a guy too early. i'm sure i have some commitment issue or something, but don't give up hope.

i know there are people who never had a real relationship until they were in their 40's. just give guys achance even if the guy isn't your type. just get out there and date. you might face some rejection but so what! at least you tried instead of watched from the sidelines.

just go for it and get your self out there!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

I haven't read all the other answers, so forgive me if I'm repeating. My guess is that perhaps it has something to do with how you were brought up. How did your parents meet? Did one of them instill in you a fear of men?

Most men are constantly on the prowl, so unless there is something physically wrong with you, yes, it is odd that you have never had a bf.

Why don't you ask a female friend what's up? I remember when I was a kid I asked a friend why no guys were going after this girl and my friend said, "she smells bad."

Don't forget that these days it is perfectly fine for you to approach men! And also you could try online dating.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

hey there, I hope is not too late to post. I seem to have the problem as you!. I'm 26, almost 27 now, and I?ve never had a boyfriend. Even worse, I'm a virgin and no man has ever asked me out! The reason?? God Known. I've been torturing myself with this question. All my friend have one!! I consider myself a good person, I'm sociable, a bit shy sometimes but nothing out of the ordinary!! I'm an English Teacher in Argentina. I teach adult people so I have contact with men!! last year I fell for one of them and he ended up playing with me and mocking me when he realised I liked him (I sometimes blushed with his jokes)

To cup it all, I've never ever been asked to go out....in my mind it means...No man has ever seen me as a potential sexual mate! Am I doomed?? Can somebody give me an idea of what th problem is??

Thank u all

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A female reader, Anon_UK United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2009):

I'm exactly the same, well I'm 34 and have had one very short term boyfriend years ago!! I try to be happy being single but with my friends all sorted out with men now it has hit me pretty hard recently that I'm on my own. I try to get out but in my experience I find that everyone around me is in couples, and I get hostility from the females and avoidance from the males, so how am I supposed to get to know anyone?? A lot of people meet at work, but that won't happen either as I work in a hospital as a Secretary, everyone around me are females or doctors, and though I did fall for a doctor just once in the 10 years I've been doing this for a living, it went nowhere, as usual really.

I'm glad to see I'm not totally alone in my unusual plight, it makes me feel a little better to see people on here in my age group with the same lack of relationship history. Does it ever worry you what you would say to someone if you DID meet a man?? It does me! Anyway, I'm close to the point of giving up hope now - I hope you don't!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008):

Hi everyone,

I am 30 and haven't got a boyfriend either (never have). I cannot understand it. I am in science so that leaves very little time for anything. But I am not lonely type and actually I am considered to be extremely communicative. And it not like I get isolated. My friends invite me to everywhere. I thought maybe its how I look that makes the difference. So I decided to change that. I always put makeup and look tidy and nice. Then I thought maybe its my weight. I was slightly overweight but I was still size 42 EUR. I lost the weight. Some of you will think that I am desperate and YES I agree that maybe I am. But think, would you not be?

Worst part about not having anyone is that you realize that you are doing things for no one except for yourself. I want to share my interests with someone and hear about his.

I see horrible examples of single women around me. We have two principle investigators (heads of lab) that are women. Both are dominating, angry, frustrated people torturing their PhD students.

They often make me think. Are they like that because they have no one or they were like that and thats why they have no one. Either explanation makes me very scared. It means that either I am like that or if I do not find someone I will be like that because my work will be only thing I can concentrate on.

I also want to refer to some of the replies. If drinking and parties are one of the solution I should be going through boyfriends everyday. On one of such parties I had a guy hit on me very agressively, the guy whom I have not spoken to more than 2 times. He broke up with his girlfriend a month before that. He walked me home from that party and he tried hard get invited to sleep with me. Just like that. I declined.

It made me feel horrible. He was not interested in who I was or what I was but needed to satisfy his libido. Was I wrong to decline? Is something terribly wrong with me? How f***** up is my head? It makes me crazy to think about all that. So I do not.

How can I tell if something wrong with me if nobody tells me that anyhting wrong? I asked and always expect truthful answer, but friends and relatives love you, so they cannot tell you full truth. I beg people to tell me the truth but never get one (at least I think so). How can i know what flaw I have?

Its easy to say act normal but what is normal?

Another thing so far I have tried to approach guy two times and none of that has worked. It was very hurtful experience and I am not sure I want to go there. Basically I have tried everything, but to no avail...

I also think that maybe I am missing the signs from the guys, anyone please advice how to look for them???

Best regards,

me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008):

I am 30 and never had a boyfriend. I ask the same question myself. My brother is getting married soon and I know the questions are going to be so when are you getting married?I have not met the right guys. I find it depressing as i have never had sex but my brother and sister has. They are both with their life partners but thats after playing the dating game.

I have never played that game but I have met alot of men. I don't see it happening to me and may have to learn to live with the fact that I may be single all my life. I would not worry when it happens it happens. I am hoping mine will come soon, he is just not here yet.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

i have the same problem.

im not the same age as you but i feel the same way

i would recommend that you go to some things that people deliberately go to to meet people... like bars, clubs or concerts. then people are actually "on the prowl" to find someone

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

hmm thats kinda depressing, i didn't have much luck with guys till i got to college and to be honest its because i started going to parties. Socializing and drinking makes it so much easier to go up to someone you like and talk to them and make a move if you want. And if its a mistake, well everyone makes mistakes. Just don't do something you will regret.

but since your 34 I assume you've drank plenty, i dunno try getting your friends to set you up, or i dunno just come out and tell someone youre interested in them.. thats what my boyfriend did to me, i didnt like him much when i met him but then he was really persistent and showed me how much i could like someone :)

good luckkk

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

hmm thats kinda depressing, i didn't have much luck with guys till i got to college and to be honest its because i started going to parties. Socializing and drinking makes it so much easier to go up to someone you like and talk to them and make a move if you want. And if its a mistake, well everyone makes mistakes. Just don't do something you will regret.

but since your 34 I assume you've drank plenty, i dunno try getting your friends to set you up, or i dunno just come out and tell someone youre interested in them.. thats what my boyfriend did to me, i didnt like him much when i met him but then he was really persistent and showed me how much i could like someone :)

good luckkk

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (21 December 2006):

eyeswideopen agony auntI don't think you should be hitting the panic button. You've gotten some good advise and ideas here I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't be worried, the right guy is on his way to finding you as you read this. Be patient!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006):

Maybe your trying to hard and guys can sense that? Try to relax, act normal and just be yourself around guys...

Like the guy at the BBQ - would you not have taken the initiative to ask him for his number? Its the 21st century and girls can ask a guy for their number too!! Maybe the fact that you spend so much on yourself is giving guys the opinion of loving yourself a bit too much?? Don't get me wrong I'm not saying to stop spending on yourself - but just don't let it be noticed as much... subtle is everything...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006):

i suggest u try to be normal around people meaning dont stand away from other people in social gathering, it might give men the idea that u are untouchable or u think highly of yourself,

dont brag about the guy u want to be with while mingling if u are not the shy type it might put them off, and dont throw yourself at them u might attract the wrong crowd and u are back at square one.

refrain from the discussions that gives out your success when u are having a conversation with an interested bloke some guys feels intimidated, it might be u said it just for the same of a conversation not knowing it was a bad move, just leave that for future use. talk about other things like politics, the whatever that brought u guys together at that moment i.e. if its a party etc, if he likes talking about himself entertain that and show some interest, if there is something to ur activities mention that maybe it will work, but becareful dont be desperate and settle for less.

and also like martini said maybe its time u start asking them out with your dignity intact.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

These responses make me feel better. Except I don't define myself by my job - I just wanted to make the point that I'm independent, I'm not clingy or needy for any reason - you know, that I have a life.

I don't think I'm better than any other girl around. It just seems so easy for some people to find someone and not easy at all for others. I just wanted to get some insight on why that is.

I've tried on line dating. The guy cancelled on me at the last minute and I never heard from him again.

One of my closest males friends says he would have made a move years ago if he thought he wouldn't get rejected.

Another said he knows I'm great so I must have a marketing problem.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (20 December 2006):

DrPsych agony auntThere is nothing wrong with being single at 34. Increasingly people feel under pressure to be dating and to fit all that into a busy social and career life...it can be exhausting. You maybe coming across as 'too busy' to men - they can sometimes be insecure about high-powered women who appear to 'have it all' and no time for them. I agree with martini that you have to make a move too - sometimes men are scared of making a fool of themselves or assuming you have a man already. There is nothing wrong with you asking out someone for 'drinks'...it doesn't have to be a full-on date as such, just an opportunity to get to know new people. I also think this dating thing is over-rated. I hit a Bridget Jones stage about 5 years ago after splitting up with an ex and was dating lots of guys - all unsuitable and mostly obnoxious in one way or another. My point to you is that it is better to spare yourself the ordeal of 'dating' and wait for Mr Right to come along - you will just know when that person comes along and you are still a young woman so you have plenty of time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

I agree with Martini, it's difficult to tell really, we can only speculate, but, to be general, I'd say the reason you have never had a boyfriend is that you, on some level, do not want, or are afraid of having, a boyfriend and/or a relationship.

Your fear unconsciously makes you unavailable to men. I think all you need to do is have a long think about this, about men, relationships and intimacy and see if anything "comes up" that could be a reason for why you've not yet had a boyfriend. Good luck with the future :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

I think the problem is that the first thing you mentioned about yourself is you good paying job. It shows that you think you are defined more by your job than any of the other qualities you list.

Men dont want to date a career, so you need to make sure they arent getting the impression you are all caught up in your job and your plans for business. That sends the message that this girl is too busy.

You arent getting any younger so the next step to fix this would be to find a dating consultant. If there arent any in your area a life coach could help too. Have them observe your conversation and your dating strageties and see if there is something your are doing that is off putting.

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A female reader, Jadzia1127 United States +, writes (20 December 2006):

Jadzia1127 agony aunt The women that date all the time and seem to have a different guy every night if they want it, have taken control of their dating.

These are the women that ask the guy they are talking to if they want to go get coffee later. The worse that can happen is the guy can say no.

To wait for others to change your life, is a life not changing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

Hey Anonymous,

You sound A-OK to me...any chance we could meet up sometime? You sound interesting :-P

You will be fine, just keep on having fun....The only suggestion i can make is to ask your male friends their take on why you are single. I think they know you the best and will give you the most constructive advice.

Realistically, it would be too hard for us to give you a definitive answer on the situation.....

All the best, and the offer of a date still stands!

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A male reader, David Lewis United Kingdom +, writes (20 December 2006):

David Lewis agony auntI would agree with the others. Your lifestyle could inadvertantly make guys think you would be out of their league, in a sort of, "well why would she go on a date with me?" kind of way. Guys may see you and see that you are single, but probably by choice. the guy at the barbecue probably expected to be rejected. Try to be more at ease around guys, they may find you more approachable.

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A female reader, nobody +, writes (20 December 2006):

Maybe you need to be more outrageous. Flirt more. More eye contact, touching, etc. I know you may say thats not 'you', but hell it gets your message across.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

Maybe, what you have described could put blokes off. You are set up. They may find you a bit intimidating because of all you have. It's only a thought - so don't quote me!

Why don't you try joining a dating agency. Look on it as a social night out. If they don't turn out to be too good you don't have to see them again. That way you get out and meet others. I think so one will come along when you least expect it.

Take care and have a Merry Christmas

xx

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A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (20 December 2006):

vina_101 agony auntI agree with Martini, it is difficult to advise you on this issue. Good things come to those who wait but not for those who wait too late. It's time for you to make the first move. When you like a guy maybe you should be the one to ask him out and ask for his number. Don't be scared of rejection. Think of it this way...the more rejections and disappointments you get, the closer you are to finding the right guy. Or make loads of new male friends and get to know them and soon friendship will become something more. Do you have a lot of male friends?

Look at your personality and see if there are any flaws or bad qualities that you have. Or maybe you just need to get out more and go to new places. If all of that fails then maybe you should try internet dating sites. There are decent people on the net (I should know I'm one of them. lol) so don't be scared to try something new.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006):

This could be a vast number of things. If you say you are as great as you make it, then the only other thing that might put guys off is your personality and the type of guys you are attracted to.

Also, it's difficult in giving advice when none of us have interacted with you at all.

Maybe it's time for you to make the first move...?

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