A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m thirty years old and I don’t know how to deal with my mother anymore. She has been a fantastic mom to me, offering emotional support, taking care of me, making sure I’m okay, but lately I can’t stop fighting with her. And it’s always over the same topic. Women. She feels compelled to control this aspect of my life with an iron fist, and whenever I try to rebel against it she makes me feel extremely guilty and worthless by making it seem like I’m somehow devaluing her and don’t care about her anymore. I back off to make her happy but as a result I always end up messing things up with the women I go out with in order to please my mother. She limits how many times I can go out per week, where I can go, what days I can go out on, how long I can stay out, when I must return, and whenever something ends up working out well with a girl, and I genuinely like seeing her, she will find any excuse to make me stop seeing her. Whether it’s booking a dentist appointment very early on Saturday morning so I can’t go out on Friday night with her, or getting extremely angry when I return because I don’t send I’m okay text messages every hour, or decreeing that I cannot go out for an entire week after getting sick (even if I feel fine) just because she said so. Matters are made worse because I put myself in a situation where my brother and I are living with her for the next year in order to afford to work on a big project. I’ve been living by myself for the past 8 years. I’ve tried talking to her about it but she always claims she has my best interests at heart and ends up reminding me of all the things she’s sacrificed to raise me and my brother. She also ends up crying if I say anything contrary to her opinion and claims she doesn’t limit me at all when it comes to seeing women. Whenever I start to like one in particular, she says I'm falling in love, not thinking straight, and there is no time for that right nowThe only solution I see is to just stop seeing women altogether while I’m living with her. I hate to be constantly fighting her about them. We get along fine besides that. We've always been very close. I don’t know what to do or how to broach the subject without making her angry. Thank you for any help!
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice!
I've decided to move out, it's for the best anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Seeing a licensed therapist would help you figure out what to say and how to start communicating boundaries with your mom while minimizing fights. Using "I" statements and disengaging when things get too crazy are some of the things I learned when I went to deal with my difficult parent. A large part of what therapists learn is how to communicate effectively in a land of dysfunction, whatever sort it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (5 November 2017):
 The issue doesn't really lay with your Mother, but it lays with YOU.
YOU need to let your Mother know that whilst you do love and respect her, you are 30 years old and you're able to make your own decisions regarding women.
The bigger is is that, you are living within your Mother's home, so this gives her power to dictate what you do and as she sees fit.
YOU DON'T NEED TO ADHERE TO HER RULES, just because you are living under her roof.
You always show respect, love, appreciation for all she does, but you also let her know that you didn't come back to her home to be ruled with an iron fist and to be told what to do and when to do it.
Your BEST option in order to get your life back in order and to regain your male freedom is to move out.
Why can't you and your brother find affordable accommodation?
You may have to settle for a not so nice place to live, however, you'll have regained something even bigger.
YOUR SPACE AND YOUR FREEDOM to be an independant man.
If you go back home, it's very natural that your Mother assumes you aren't coping and require her Motherly advice and care once again.
I don't blame your Mother though. I think that you are not setting your boundaries with your Mother.
Do you want to set all your boundaries with your Mother and if so, are you comfortable doing that whilst living with her?
The bottom line is, your Mother isn't controlling you, nor taking over your life, but YOU are ALLOWING her to do this to you.
STOP ALLOWING HER TO RULE OVER YOU AND TELL YOU WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME.
TAKE YOUR CONTROL AND POWER BACK by telling her that whilst you love her, you aren't going to do as she says, because you are 30 and you know exactly how to manage your relationships with women.
Let her know that she raised you well and she taught you much about how to treat women and even how to choose a good woman, so she's got absolutely nothing to worry about there.
This is using a bit of positive, yet indirect psychology on her.
When your Mother cries, this is a big one.
She knows exactly what she's doing there and she's trying to CONTROL, MANIPULATE and BLACKMAIL you with her emotions.
DO NOT FALL FOR THAT, DO NOT and tell her that you do not want her interfering in your private life.
You are 30, so start acting like you're 30.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 November 2017):
 If you are happy to use your mother for cheap accommodation, and also to let her do things for you like booking dental appointments (you are THIRTY - you can book YOUR OWN dental appointments), then it is little surprise really that she thinks it is her place to control other areas of your life as well.
Moving back with parents after being away is never easy - on EITHER side. Look at it from your mother's point of view. Two sons who she thought had flown the nest and were independent and fending for themselves are suddenly back under her roof, taking advantage of her hospitality. OF COURSE she is going to interfere.
HOWEVER, she can only have as much control over you as you CHOOSE to let her have. If you insist on asking her to make appointments for you, then tell her which days you do not want them for. If she insists on making them for those days, refuse to go and ask her to change the appointment. If she tells you you cannot go out, smile at her, give her a hug and say "I love you mum, but I am 30 and I AM going out". I have never before heard of a 30 year old man being told what to do to this extent by his mother. You are CHOOSING to GIVE her control over your life. Don't blame HER for doing it.
Be fair about going out so that she does not worry. Tell her what time to expect you back (she will be waiting up no doubt) and, if that changes for any reason, let her know. It is HER house after all.
If all else fails, can you and your brother not find cheap accommodation together or with friends so that you can get your life back?
I have to ask though whether you actually WANT control of your life if you are giving it over to your mother that easily. Does it just feel safer to have mother make the decisions and then to blame her for whatever goes wrong in your life?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): Narcissists need to be deeply emotionally-involved and somehow embedded; in order to have control, or inflict their venom.
When you place distance between you and the narcissist; it dilutes their power, and diminishs their control.
While safely distanced from them, you are more aware of their emotional or psychological influence; because they have to strain their reach. If your mother does have narcissistic-tendencies, or borderline disorder; all the negativity and manipulation should have given you pause before moving back in with her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): When you return to living with your parents, you restart their parenting-instincts. You'll always be their kid.
If you show them you're mucked-up and need their help (it's not really the case, but that's how they see it); or in anyway you need their assistance. That comes with parental-control. You give them an inch, they will take the proverbial mile. Especially over-protective mothers.
You're using your mother. Anyway you look at it. So this is what you've bargained for.
Mothers like to feel useful and powerful. Once they become empty-nesters; their sense of control over your well-being is cutoff.
They never stop starving and craving for it. They really enjoyed that sense of control over what you do, and whom you're with. Maternal-instincts are eternal; they just go dormant until they're awakened! You have to negotiate the terms of their involvement, when you ask for their assistance. Just like making a business-deal. You offer them money, and draw-up a contract. You draw-up certain conditions and rules.
If mom can still survive without your help, what kind of message are you sending her when you have to return home at 30? Regardless of the reason(s). You've invited her into your personal-business. She figures, if you had your sh*t together, you wouldn't be coming home to mom!
Whatever happens under her roof, is surely within her domain; and she can insert, or interject her opinions whenever she pleases.
Unless you are a little wimpy, I can't see how she has anything to do with your love-life. Maybe you're misplacing your blame. You've lost your mojo, and you're blaming it on mom!
Look back in retrospect. Why didn't those relationships work-out? Were you acting like a mama's boy? Then there you have it!
Just like when you were a teenager; remember how you used to tune-out your parents? Do you recall how if they said up, you thought down? Well, that mechanism still works; and should really be more refined by the time we're adults.
Tears are a tool of manipulation. You wipe them away, kiss her cheek, and tell her you love her; but you're all grown-up now. Please stay out of my private-life. Repeat as often as necessary.
Man-up. Get yourself a cheap place to live with your brother; and stop using mom for cheap rent. Mom compensates herself by meddling. It's only fair!
...............................
A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (5 November 2017):
 Mental illness is not referenced as often as I think it should be in society. A lot of the times when we meet or know someone who just seems very problematic or tedious it could be because of a personality disorder and as a result, nothing you say or do can change them. It doesn't mean they're necessarily crazy, just very very difficult.Now I'm not saying your mother IS a narcissist in hiding but I'd like if you ensure you clear the path for any form of manipulation or control she may have had over you for these years. Narcissist can be some of the friendliest people you meet....provided you obey their commands. It's when you stop listening to them or question their requirements that they show their true colours. The first time I found out my mother was a narcissist, I was in shock....but everything suddenly made sense. I finally understood her actions, and why she said the things she said and why she was so controlling or callous and was ALWAYS trying to make me feel guilty. Have you every said to yourself "Why would my mother do that to me?" or "Why is she always trying to stir up an argument?" Your mom sounds a bit similar to mine so check the below list to make sure she isn't using us for her own needs.1. Does she tend to put herself on a pedestal a lot or try to get you to feel sorry for her.2. Does she criticize people often, even family?3. Can she empathize with your feeling or your wants.4. Does she apologize when she messes up or admits she is wrong?5. Have you got the feeling you are constantly being manipulated or controlled by her?If you can ensure she doesn't match these symptoms or talks about herself too much then she may just be a "normal" controlling mother who wants the best for her son. Some moms can go a bit overboard when hunting for a mate for their son however. But sometimes women may not know when they are going overboard with a man. The best thing you can do is let your mom know you're a man. Let her know that your don't like whats she's doing and you'd appreciate if she allowed you live your own life without her interfering. Remind her that you love her but you need to make your own choices.All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (5 November 2017):
 Its never a good idea to move back in with your parents unless there is absolutely no other way to survive. You are an adult, used to living on your own and yet your mom still sees you as her child. It seems she may also be a little jealous??
I moved back in with my parents after I got a divorce. I was 40. My mother still treated me as though I was 16, listening to my phone calls, asking me who I was going out with, and even going so far as to open up my mail and ask me what I was going to do about a bill!!! Needless to say as much as I loved my parents, I didn't stay with them long.
I suggest you stop the project and move out and get a room mate and save up a little more. You aren't going to change your mom.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2017):
 She sounds like she has modelled herself on some parody of a Jewish momma. Parents' sacrifices for their children are not some debt to be later reclaimed. It doesn't work like that. You give what you give out of love, not because you think you will get it back some day.
That being said, if you are living in her house, then it is by her rules. My advice is for you and your brother to get a flat together and start the project a little later.
In effect you are using her at the moment to meet your own ends. This is wrong. Be a man. Grow up and cut the apron strings.
...............................
|
