A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I'd really appreciate some advice about this. Please bear with me; I've never spoken about this to anybody, and I need to get this off my chest.As a 20 year old virgin (a male virgin no less) I find myself feeling blue a lot. I have this nagging feeling of being unwanted, of being unworthy. Seeing everyone around me with partners makes me feel like I'm missing out on the best times of my life, stuck on the outside watching myself amongst a huge swarming crowd.For my whole life I've been the quiet/shy type. At school I was this awkward geeky type with hardly any friends...naturally I was an easy target for bullies. There was never physical fighting, but the verbal attacks took their toll on my self esteem. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, judging me all the time. These feelings still haunt me to this day to an extent.So connecting with people is hard for me, but throughout high school I made a handful of very good friends. I did get some action with girls, though usually we were both drunk at some party (sloppy kisses that tasted like vodka, and clumsy groping is about the extent of it...ha ha.)Now, 2 years after I finished high school, I'm still a virgin.And I feel like sh*t about it.Which is really frustrating when I think about how much stronger I've gotten as a person since high school. Without the social pressures crushing my confidence I've had the chance to come to terms with things, yet this still bothers me. Its only sex right? Big deal, i tell myself. But its not always that easy.Its not even the lack of sex that makes me feel this way: its that I feel like I've been rejected completely. I just want to share myself with someone special, to feel like I'm worth something to somebody. There's this void in my life that taints everything else. Is there anyone else who feels this way? I'd like to hear how you cope with it, advice, insight, anything. I feel so useless in this.~cheers for reading
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confidence, crush, drunk, self esteem, still a virgin Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): I'm a 20 year old girl. I am also a virgin. I have never been in a relationship before, and so desperately want to. Ive got a lot to give a guy but still I'm alone. And I too have changed a heck of a lot since high school.I have gone out and kissed random guys (not many tho) and if id had no self respect i could have easily gotten rid of the V card. But i am better than that. I want it all. I want the relationship first. I'm a very nice girl, i can't think of many people that dislike me, I'm intelligent and apparently not that bad looking (not that I'm in a position to judge). I would love to meet a nice guy who's in the same position as me, and believe me i do notice the nice guys. They just don't notice me back. So just to say, there are girls like us out there. We don't shout about it to the rooftops because we know a lot of guys would be put off by this. Don't lose heart and definitely don't go out and do something you'll regret. Something that someone once said to me and I liked the thought: the right guy (or girl) is out there, but there will be a reason why you haven't found eachother yet... maybe one or both of you aren't ready yet, or something is in the way. It'll happen just give it time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Girls with integrity and grace? We still exist. I'm a proud 25 year old virgin gal, and my lack of sexual activity has nothing to do personal deficiencies. It does, however, have everything to do with self-respect- I'm waiting for a guy who deserves me. In other words, I'm saving myself for a fellow who's attraction to me stretches beyond the simple possibility of getting in my pants- a guy who respects me as much as I respect myself.
I know everyone says it's different for guys than it is girls, but why should it be? Yeah, there's some asinine social status thing associated with guys adding notches to their belts, but how fulfilling can something that empty really be? There's nothing more attractive than personal acceptance. Be who you are- if you are a romantic, then stick to your guns and wait for romance, it'll find you eventually. There's no reason that societal pressures should prevent you from waiting to experience the mutual respect you deserve.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Hey I'm 19 and i have the exact same problem. The only difference is that on top of that I have had to deal with depression since I was 13. I have made out before but it wasnt authentic and ended in disaster due to the fact that I have and still have a little OCD. This time last year i was still in a clinic in Houston for OCD patients. Its been very difficult and sometimes I have thoughts and feelings of suicide. I dont act upon them its just very difficult also when you very shy and get nervous and never feel like there is a connection with someone like me. Anyone else feel this way?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Your not alone, I'm 25 years old (Male), and I've never been in a relationship in all my life, and I'm a still a virgin at 25 :( I also feel the same way when I look around, I see so many couples, even all of my friends have had a least 1 girlfriend in their lives, and they, of course, arent virgins. For all these years, I always feel left out, especially when I look at my age. I do get depressed sometimes and try not to cry about it. Some people make it look easy, but for me, its very difficult, two good reasons why is because I have very low self esteem, and I am a very very shy person.
Dont feel left out, your not the only one, at least your a little younger than me lol. But someday it will happen, you just have to wait for the right time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): You think you have problems? I'm a 22 year ole male and am in almost an identical situation to yourself. At school, in the UK, i was verbally teased because the "lads" who thought they were hard and tough guys would target people they perceived as weak. I was one of those and people would call me names and give abuse, though thankfully nothing physical. But I am a strong character and survived school though i hated it. Their were many girls i fancied like mad, some who i knew fancied me back and had a strong connection with, but i could never proceed with kissing them or asking them out. Girls came into my life at various times but the same problem presented itself: I have no experience, and i would feel awkward, but how do i gain experience? Everyone must start somewhere. I am an introverted character and have few friends but when i go out to nightclubs from time to time, i feel awkward because the whole atmosphere breeds sex, due to all the scantly glad girls, and i feel awkward. The difference is though i am actually a confident person, i have just become accostumed to being on my own and i am positive about many things, the only major concern of have is my experiences with girls. I dont want to pay for sex, i want it to be consentual, and i wouldnt recommend paying for it to anyone cos it is very damaging to the self-esteem in the long term. You will feel depressed, you will feel down because the media make it out that everyones having sex. Its even worse if you are a good looking guy like me, because you think to yourself, it must be something else other than my looks and you genuinely think something is wrong with you. What makes me feel strong is playing music, like the guitar, where my emotions poured out in songs and i feel so great when i perform them. I reckon you should take up an instrument it will make you feel good and will give you something positive to focus on.Or if you've got mates, go out with them or take up a new sport. Why not do what i'm doing and reply to other peoples problems cos it really boosts your self esteem. I mean i have not even kissed yet i am always hoping one day i will get lucky. Try and find a life coach or counsellor and get to the route of your problems, which im doing.But never doubt yourself or your sexuality like i have done in my darkest hours ALWAYS REMEMBER: NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU AND NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR virginity may make you and me feel depressed but remember you may have things going on in your life that are great that other people dont have. Pick out something positive in yourself, like your good job, your hair or whatever it is, buy self-help books. I wish you and myself luck!
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A
male
reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Me again, just saying I'm now registered as 7th Seeker.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Hey guys its me, thanks a lot for your answers. I didn't expect to get such great advice and understanding.
Dr Vendetta, I totally get what you're saying. Romance is dead, or so it seems. And that's a big part of my problem I think. A lot of girls around here just want a casual fling, and gladly open their legs for idiots. These guys don't offer them anything, its more of a social status kinda thing. There doesn't seem to be girls with integrity and grace (or maybe there are and I just cant find them).
Its just my nature to want to really care for someone and have that meaningful relationship going on...maybe I'm too old fashioned. If only I was around on the 50s with all those well-mannered, charming girls ha ha.
I have built my self esteem a lot since school ended - I learned to play guitar, which is something I've always wanted to do. I travelled overseas for a while. Wrote some stories I've had in my head for a while. In every regard I'm a far stronger person now, but romance still eludes me.
I feel like I have a lot of good things to offer. I'm reasonably smart, creative - I enjoy writing and music, philosophy...and while I'm no Brad Pitt, I'm not bad looking either. I suppose it is just a lack of confidence around girls I find attractive that causes me problems. I mean, I can talk casually with girls at work, but if I feel attracted to them I get "They only like you as a friend, they feel sorry for you" thoughts.
I also can empathize with the anonymous female poster: what if I do have sex, and its overrated, or won't give me that 'something' I feel lacking in. That would be ironic...I'd hate to have sex with some tart and regret it, all for the sake of losing the 'V card'. In a way, that worries me more!
Thanks for reading this everyone. I haven't talked to anyone I know about this cause its too awkward. Men aren't supposed to carry on like this, you know. "Toughen up, man!", they'd say, "Sex is nothing." I've tried that but it hasn't worked. Just having people listen without ridicule means a lot to me.
If anyone else has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
Thanks for reading
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I'm actually in exactly the same situation your currently in. I'm 20 and still a virgin. I too was verbally bullied at school, and until recently had low self-esteem.
Up until recently, I would've classed myself as having a very 'introvert' personality; anti-social, never relly making the effort to talk to people.
now I'm putting myself in a lot more social environments and trying harder to engage with people I don't know, which has realy improved my self-esteem.
Fear of rejection is still on my mind when confronting girls and asking them out, but then i realise the worst that can happen is they say 'no'.
My point is that by putting myself into situations I found uncomfertable turned out to be a good thing. As I'm now starting to realise, it's better to take risks than play it safe.
If this advice doesn't really relate to you, then at least its good to know there are others who are in the same situation your in.
Heres an article I found that might be useful...http://media.www.tuftsdaily.com/media/storage/paper856/news/2005/10/21/Features/The-20YearOld.Virgin.Not.As.Rare.On.Campus.As.You.May.Think-1491780.shtml
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): aw. dont worry or get depressed over it, you will find a partner soon, you are still young and people around your age do stuff like partying and a lot are single. try going to clubs or somewhere to meet people
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 theres many guys who feel this way.they're called single men. how to cope? * shrugs*i'm sure someone will say " Gee billy. you just gotta hold on in there untill you meet yah special gal! "when we both know thats the easy answer the Truth of the matter is that women want whats bad for them.if you're going to try and be some new age romantic. i hate to be the one to burst your bubble here but romance is dead and it ain't coming back.check out this board. " my bf beats me but i still love him and i don't wanna leave him"" he cheated on me with all my freinds and my mother.. but i still love him"seeing a pattern?women like the bad boy. the bad boy who will treat them crappy. to coin a phrase " treat'em mean keep'em keen" is sad but true.and i'm sure the other aunts will say.. " oh i'm not like that i go for nice guys" and to them i say : But you Have been with an asshole at one time and stayed with him because you "loved him".Theres The Truth :D and theres The Truth :(The Truth :D - is sugar coated and usually is avoiding the issue and leaves out important infomationThe Truth :( - is simply. the truth, cold and blunt. like most of the women i've dated.so to round things up here. Yes someone Will come along. however you got alot more shit digging to do.Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): you dont need to feel that way , although its undersatndable, in retro respect to what youve just said i was the totall oposite to you in school, i was the bad boy one of the popular guys, i had girls chasing after me,but was either to shy to do anything bout it or too oblivious to it haha cos i was too busiy off partying with the lads getting wasted lol i had plenty of girls but never got round to it fully untill i was 19 so dont worry bout it,i would say that if you were the geeky type at school then the girls wouldnt have been atracted to it, they like strentgth and confience, thats the key to it, but dont be over confident and come off an arrogant dickhead lol, so forget what happned before and look to the future,its more bout personality than looks although they obviously help things, once youve done it and your over that 1st hurdle it aint such a big deal,and just comes natrully, anyways hope this insight helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I can really relate to you and I have had a fairly similar experience to you, only difference is that I'm a girl. You and I both wanted it for similar reasons I think, we wanted to feel worthy of someone, we wanted to experience being close and intimate with someone else. For a long time I thought of myself as a loser and didnt have much self confidence. I would tell myself that if only, just only I could have sex with a guy then Id be ok. So what did I do? I slept with my bf and although he was my bf, I regretted it the next day because it just wasnt right. I was having sex for the wrong reasons. I was having it in hope it would boost my self confidence and make me feel beter about myself, I was hoping it would make me feel more wanted and loved...when it didnt. So I really want to stress the point that going out and just finding anyone to have sex with wont make you feel better about yourself, it will probably make you feel worst because if you sleep with soemone who isnt right for you, you are disrespecting yourself.In the end, having sex doesnt mean much really. What does mean something is having a close, loving and healthy relationship with someone and this is what I think you should focus on achieving, not sex. So what can you do? Well if I was you, Id focus on building up your self esteem. Sounds like you were very badly bullied in school and to this day it is still effecting you negativly. Maybe you could try talking to a counsellor? They can really help. They helped me. Once you have dealt with the insecurities you have, you will be ready to find someone and be in a relationship. But until then I dont think its a good idea for you to be in one because otherwise you might end up having sex for the wrong reasons.
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