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I'm 18, virgin, and furious!

Tagged as: Teenage, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 May 2007) 21 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *ashback writes:

Hi,

I'm quite a pathetic case really. I'm 18 and still a virgin. Being a bloke its not something that i've admitted - I even spun my best mates off with bullshit stories about how i got layed. I hate myself for it. I don't understand why the fuck I still am a virgin anyways. I've got a great group of friends and arn't awkward around women or anything - things just havn't happend for me.

One of my best mates is a girl (who happens to also be a virgin, but I feel its more socially acceptable for a girl). Recently I've been thinking about her sexually, but I'm only really doing myself damage in the long run. I have quite intimate conversations with her but it seems that nothing could EVER happened between us - just mates. Mainly I think this because she talks about fancying other blokes n that - she even go with a random guy in a club last week (only pulled). I'm finding myself jealous - and I shouldn't be.

I really need to lose my virginity soon - at least before I head off to Uni anyways, because if I find someone I really like there, I'm gunna need experience (otherwise things could get embarrassing)! Do you think its possible that i could ever change my relationship with my mate? If so, how would I go about this, how can I make her see me in a different light?

View related questions: jealous, still a virgin

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A female reader, VirginGurl18 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2008):

Well I'm 18 too but im female and im a virgin, I haven't done any sexual activities either because im scared incase I do something wrong. I know how you feel when your mates ask you how many have you slept with and I have lied a few time to, I think alot of people are in the same situation. But I recently told one of my friends I was a virgin and they didnt laugh or anything, I know it may be different for males. When you end up doing it the first time I dont think you'd ruin it i think you should just tell the girl your a little in-experienced I think she would understand. But I have always thought of waiting for the right guy and giving him my viginity but some guys dont like to wait so i've been having sexual urges just to do it with a friend of mine because he ask to do it just for a bit of fun. And I really like him more than I friend I dont know what to do because I dont want to be a virgin when im 20 odds.

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A female reader, VirginGurl18 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2008):

Well I'm 18 too but im female and im a virgin, I haven't done any sexual activities either because im scared incase I do something wrong. I know how you feel when your mates ask you how many have you slept with and I have lied a few time to, I think alot of people are in the same situation. But I recently told one of my friends I was a virgin and they didnt laugh or anything, I know it may be different for males. When you end up doing it the first time I dont think you'd ruin it i think you should just tell the girl your a little in-experienced I think she would understand. But I have always thought of waiting for the right guy and giving him my viginity but some guys dont like to wait so i've been having sexual urges just to do it with a friend of mine because he ask to do it just for a bit of fun. And I really like him more than I friend I dont know what to do because I dont want to be a virgin when im 20 odds.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

Right, Well it's been a year or so since people were posting their opinions on this subjectt, but I'm going to give mine anyway. I'm 18 years old and I too am a Virgin. I'm in the same boat as the boy who posted this subject, I enjoy going out with my mates to bars and clubs, chat to girls no problem etc etc. But I just haven't been able to get anywhere. I haven't even done the lesser sexual 'activities' like had a blowjob or that, yet I'm not a bad looking lad, and I have a great personality. I don't fancy anyone in particular at the moment, I can pull girls in clubs, but I'm well frustrated because I too have lied to my mates about how many girls I've slept with. I've told them, "just two" so that they forget about it pretty quickly. And I fear if I do get the chance, I'ld ruin it because I haven't done it before. So if anyone has any decent advice, I'm all for it! Cheers folks!

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A female reader, banana_pancake United Kingdom +, writes (4 June 2007):

banana_pancake agony auntHey, I'm 16, though 17 soon, and still a virgin. Like you said though, there is more of a social stigma for guys than girls, so I can imagine you're feeling pretty crap now, what with all your friends probably being more sexually active.

Like others have said, it is actually quite common to still be a virgin at 18, and loads regret just sleeping with someone they don't care about for their first time. But if you would actually prefer to just get it over with and get the experience now, rather than focus on getting a longer term girlfriend first, I guess you've just gotta work on your game with the ladies. I'm confident around guys and have loads of guy friends too - it doesn't automatically mean I've got them asking me out left right and centre. You're right in saying it just hasn't happened for you - and that's the case for looooads of people. Literally just up the charm as much as possible, and remember a girl is more likely to buy into you if you offer a little romance, lol.

Good luck!

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A female reader, CupidsLilSis United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2007):

hey!! dunno if you'll actually read this cuz it was posted a few days ago, but I hope you do read it because, I was a virgin until I was 17. And since then I have had sex with 7 people (all drunken one night stands with people I know - apart from one of them.) And I feel physically sick that I let any of them touch me in that way. Sex should be between 2 people that care alot for each other, not just about losing your virginity. Don't get me wrong, sex can be fun as well but like the others here have said, don't wish ur life away too quickly - and for a girl to meet a boy/man who IS a virgin nowadays is like golddust! if i was still a virgin I'd be walkin around with a sandwich board spreading it to the world. Hope this advice helps and you don't go and give it away to some loser like I did xx

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A female reader, SweetBabygirlUSA United States +, writes (26 May 2007):

Hey I'm 20 and I'm still a virgin. There's nothing wrong with keeping your virginity. I think you should wait until you meet that right girl, get married, wait until you're completely in love with her and then you can lose it. Being a virgin isn't really a big deal.

18 is so young. Don't worry about it. Don't go sleeping with your friend, just wait until you meet that right girl and when the time is right.

And if anyone says anything to you about it, ignore them. They're not worth listening to. That's my opinion.

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A female reader, candy00s United Kingdom +, writes (26 May 2007):

candy00s agony auntIt will be all the more special if its with the right girl.

Most guys do exactly as you are bragging about sexual conquests when they themselves are virgins.

there is nothing wrong with being a virgin and 18 is still very young.

dont be so keen to loose your virginity wait for the right one!

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A male reader, Cashback United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

Cashback is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all your feedback!

I can understand where you're coming from those of you who think I should wait - and deep down I'd like to as well, but god knows how long that could be! To be honest I don't see virginity as something so special, i guess because I'm a guy - just want to get it over and done with (rightly or wrongly). Some you you seemed to think that I see my friend as an easy lay - not quite. I think I do fancy her, but I've established that i don't meet her criteria e.g. I'm not musical (wish I was!). I think its just one of those one-way things so its probably not worth me getting hung up on her, think I've probs got to move on and crush my feelings. So assuming thats a dead-end, where does that leave me?

I mean I go out quite a lot with mates to pubs/clubs. I said previously that I'm not awkward with women or anything. However, when it comes to 'picking girls up' in clubs I don't really know where to start; I prefer the pub atmosphere over clubs. It just seems weird to hit on somebody you've no talking point with...and trying to avoid those crappy cleche's "Do you come here often". Any tips for talking to strangers?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

Sorry this is so long, but ive been in this position and I felt I had to share something.

Hey, im 20 y/o and very attractive (have had girls offer to take mine) but i made it to the end of my second year of college/uni before i lost it, so 18 is nothing kiddo lol! yes for a guy in this lifetime that’s unheard of, people think im crazy because its so uncommon for it to matter to guys but for me it did, and the fact that you even have someone in mind rather than finding some drunken broad at a party and throwing it away, like so many do, shows that somewhere it must mean something to you too.

there are going to be plenty of male and female virgins in college, some even graduate from college/ uni and make it to their 30's and 40's as virgins - waiting for marriage or a serious relationship, the right person, don’t want babies or serious diseases, etc. *I know in the US somewhere between 40-50% of high school graduates are virgins* . some people make the decision, some don’t, its personal, those that matter won’t judge you. If anything, most will just be curious as to why you waited rather than think any less of you.

Im with the person I lost mine to, and while it was good, afterwards I started to question the her as she didnt quite respect my decision for waiting, but she has her reasons (she lost hers at 14 and terribly regrets it) so i paid it no mind. it actually makes me feel better about my decision. theres no reason to feel bad. sex is everywhere these days, it takes so much more strength and patience to wait than to just give in to be like everyone else.

So you told a few shitty lies, do you really believe a lot of what your friends have said? Its pretty common for guys, and some girls, to exaggerate what they’ve done from what ive seen. At the end of the day, you have to live with whatever you do, whatever they think isn’t gonna matter, so make it count.

As far as the lady friend and the jealousy you feel, that could just be a game. Telling you about other guys she likes or been around could be her way of trying to get your attention; some feel nobody wants a girl that isn’t wanted by others. Did she point out any characteristics about them that she liked? If she did, were they any that you had? They could be hints, so Have fun and go along with it. I thnk that using the joke someone below suggested would be good too, because theres always a way out if shes offended.

I also have to ask, if you find someone you really like at uni and shes worthy, don’t you think she’ll respect you so much more for giving her something you cant give to anyone else, rather than have the experience? Its not all about sex in a relationship, and any female will tell you that all the experience in the world will mean nothing if you haven’t experienced HER! So don’t think boning to get better will make you excellent, you can still suck. The feelings you have for the person will make it a lot better, trust me.

Hope this helps

DJ

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A female reader, Suzie767 United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

Suzie767 agony aunti was 17 when i lost my virginity and i was completely and totally head over heels in love with the guy.

i had the opportunity to lose it with others and everyone else was but i really wanted to lose it to someone i cared for.

and im so glad i waited. it was the best decision i ever made. if i hadnt fell in love yet id stll be a virgin now at 23.

also a lot of girls will appreciate that you are a virgin- theres nothing worse in a relationship than hearing about the ex and what they got up to. they wont have to worry about that with you

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (24 May 2007):

deejuliet agony auntBeing a virgin at 18 is completely normal and actually admirable. Nobody regrets waiting, but plenty of people regret having sex too soon. Take your time. You only get to lose your virginity once.

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

cd206 agony auntOh my god, reading this was a bit like reading my own life story from a different perspective. At your age I was a virgin as was my best male friend and he asked me if we could have sex just to relieve the social pressures but to be honest from what I know now from him, and a gut feeling I get from you, you're more into your friend because she's a virgin than because you think she's the one. Me and my friend attempted to have sex many times and it never happened because he was always so tense and he knew he didn't love me in that way. Don't do this to your friend, it broke me apart. It's not that big a deal to start uni as a virgin anyway. So many people are virgins at 18 but like you said, nobody knows because they see it as a social stigma. Remember that just because someone says theyre not a virgin doesn't mean theyre not. The average age for a guy to lose his virginity is 18 anyway so you're still average. Just relax and let it happen. Loads of people you meet at uni will be virgins and even if theyre not it doesn't mean you won't have a great first time. Look for someone based on who they are, not whether theyve had sex or not.

CD

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A male reader, DV1 United States +, writes (24 May 2007):

DV1 agony auntYou're young, don't be in such a rush. It sounds like you're just feeling left behind because some of your friends are having experiences that you're not. I'm 22 and still a virgin. I've been waiting until I'm in love with someone. I feel that it's the best decision I've made in my life.

Dv1

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

Your not pathetic, your hormones are driving you a little nut. We say the term "lose our virginity" like its spare change that fall out of our pockets. What if you were to spend it wisely? What I mean is what if you were to be honest with your friend or a woman that you meet somewhere. I bet you could have a great first time if you were to let her know your tired of being a virgin and you want to gain some experience. As for your friend it sounds like you have a good thing going there and sex could ruin that if you not careful. You dont want to use your friend just to "get it over with."

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A female reader, ilikenight United States +, writes (24 May 2007):

ilikenight agony auntwhat is uni? I am in the usa, and it's fine if you're still a virgin at 18. I wish I would have waited. I was 12 when I had sex. Maybe you can "jokingly" suggest that you & your friend lose your virginity to each other..then see what she says. If she acts appalled, just pretend you were joking. If she acts o.k. about it, grab her & start kissing her, then do more.

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A female reader, Missy C United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

Missy C agony aunthi,

first thing i am going to say is why are u furious you are still a virgin. there are plenty of blokes out there that are still virgins, some even older than you.

well the first thing to do is work out wether she likes you in the saem way that you like her. girls are quite shy about their feelings sometimes and like the bloke to make the first move.

second ask your self if you just want to loose your vaginity for the sake of it or whether you want your first time to be with someone special?

I dont think that you have to have sex to be cool. And as im sure you are aware most guys either exagerate who they 'shagged' at the weekend or are making it up to 'look good' in front of their mates.

My suggestion at the moment is to find out wether this girl likes youin the way you like her, and then take it from there.

good luck

xx

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A female reader, howcomehoney France +, writes (24 May 2007):

howcomehoney agony auntFor goodness' sake, don't sleep with your friend just to get your virginity over and done with! It'll happen when it happens. You're only 18, that's completely normal.

As for the experience thing, do you really think someone who has had sex twice before is a zillion times better in the sack than a virgin? Calm down about it all. Don't sleep with a friend. Wait until you are in a relationship with someone you love, and she won't mind if you're not wonderful at first. Then you can work on it together. That's how sex works - practising at home doesn't always help, it's a two-player game.

Being a virgin is not a negative thing, and any girl who thinks it is has some kind of problem.

Or else you could always lie.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

Sweet-thing agony auntYou didn't mention whether or not you've ever actually had a girlfriend so I'm thinking maybe this is also a first for you. That's okay, you're not pathetic in any way. But I do think you may have feelings for your best mate, so ask her out and then tell her that you're starting to have feelings for her other than "friendship"....she may be thrilled by this news. She may be waiting for you to make the first move. And if she feels the same way you do, then just take things slow. Go out together as a couple for awhile, build up to the...uh, you know...event. Make out first. Kissing, touching, exploring. Let it happen naturally and it'll be a memorable first time for both of you. Best of luck.

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A female reader, supersofi Ireland +, writes (24 May 2007):

supersofi agony auntHi Cashback

Stop worrying, when the time is right it will happen for you. I know I'm a woman and in a different age group but my partner is in only a few years older than you was a virgin until a few months ago. It doesn't make you any less of a man, and females get the same proud feeling when a guy loses their virginity to them. it gives your partner a really good feeling, that they are someone special to allow yourself to 'lose something so special to them'!!!

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A male reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2007):

Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma agony aunthey

first off your 18 so i'm gonna tell you a secret now.

Be careful because your starting to sound like a plum.

this is basically what your saying.

"i'm 18 and i want to put my end away, preferably for training before i go to bangfest, i.e uni. My best mate is a girl- she's got tits and stuff.. i mean i wouldn;t even have to try that hard to get to a place where there's a bed- should i do it?"

see? that sounds like a plum, right?

sorry to sound like an afterschool special but sex shouldn;t be for some recreational activity and it won;t be 'embarrassing' if your having sex for the right reasons. There might be a reason why you haven't had sex yet. Do you know alot of people really regret how they lost their virginity, boys and girls alike.

Getting your end away because its possible and available robs you and the person of your humanity.

And so you;ve got this friend,that you can talk to and who confides in you and you realise that you could lose that if you intentionally confuse the emotions you share,but your willing to risk that just to get a leg over?

Maybe you need to think about getting your priorities straight and try and be less of a sheep.

the lad culture leads many people down roads they later regret- your fighting with your conscience because you see that there should be more to it MAYBE than that.

what do you think?

The Capt

rate me!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007):

You won't be the only virgin at Uni...

In fact my guess would be that most people at Uni are virgins and most people lose their virginity at Uni.

You're expecting to go and be surrounded by fabulously sophisticated, clever, sexy guys and girls. The reality is that there will be many, many virgins (lots of whom will have told little white losing-virginity lies like yourself), people with hangups, geeks, shy people and those who aren't virgins may just have the experience of a drunken fumble or two.

Don't worry about it.

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