A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is going to sound like another 13-in-a-dozen age gap question. But I need some advice. Sorry if this is long and boring, but I need someone to read through it. I'm a normal girl and I used to date guys my age. I had a couple of boyfriends, and my last relationship ended badly because all he seemed to want from me was sex. And I just wasn't ready yet. Anyway, a friend of my father moved into the city for a job opportunity and stayed with us for a while until he'd gotten himself an apartment. He's 38, served in the army and I was attracted to him immediately. I didn't even notice at first (I was used to falling for boys no more than 2 years older than me) but everytime I looked at him I had that strange feeling. He was always proper with me, but sometimes I would catch him looking at me in, you know, 'that way' even though he seemed to try not to. So I started experimenting. Holding his gaze a little longer, 'accidentally' brushing up against him, etc. I know this probably sounds like I was trying to seduce him, and maybe I was. I don't know. I just never thought it could lead anywhere with him, as I thought I was too young and boring. But the small possibility that it could excited me. Anyway, a few weeks ago the weather was great, it was hot and I was bored. So I opted to take a stroll down the city mall. My parents were both working and my friends still had to finish some stuff for school, so I figured I had to go alone. I decided to ask him to tag along. When he opened up the door and saw me, he looked away again. It didn't help that I'm always nervous around him and can't form a coherent sentence when he's around. Eventually he said he couldn't come because he had some paperwork to do. I knew he was about to move into his new apartment and that I would probably not see him often after that. I guess I could have left it at that to go on my way, but I didn't. I don't know, I could just tell something was about to happen.Anyway, to make a long story short, we ended up kissing. I don't really know how to explain, who started it...It felt like it just happened. And it was wonderful. I'd been kissed by my boyfriends before, but not like this. I know I sound hopeless and this entire text probably reads like a cheasy 2$ romance novel, but that's how I felt. It didn't last long before he pulled back and apologised again and again, telling me how sorry he was and how he should know better. He then decided it was wrong because he was too old for me and if my parents find out, it would be a disaster. He moved out into his new apartment last week. I thought that was that until my dad invited him over for a barbecue last Saturday. I thought he wouldn't come because of me, so I didn't get my hopes up, but he did. We had vowed to act normal around eachother, but the moment I saw him again I knew it was hopeless and that I had to avoid him in order not to be obvious. He avoided me as well, but then he looked at me with this bitter smile, as if he was in pain, but trying to be tough. Nothing happened that evening, but I knew it could have if we were alone. And I want it to. I just keep thinking about him and well, that's why I'm here now. I know love makes blind and I probably sound like a naive little girl, so I need some unbiased people to be objective. I know where he lives, it's not far, and I know my parents would probably not find out if I would go over to his apartment while I lie about going somewhere else. They're busy people, I've never caused any trouble, so they trust me.Now the million dollar question is: Is it wrong to pursue a relationship with this man? I know the public opinion about age gaps, especially involving young people like me. Maybe some of you think he's a pervert for kissing me, and that I'm stupid to fall for him. Maybe you're right. But I just never had a connection with someone like this. Just being near him makes me happy. And he's so interesting and offers new perspectives during discussion when I think I've got it all figured out. It's refreshing.But is it wrong? What should I do? Don't just state your opinion, but please elaborate as well. Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): You are a legal adult. There is nothing anyone can do.You share a connection with this man. Whether it will last or not, who knows. But that is hardly the point.Give the relationship a go. If you make each other happy, your family will come around eventually. And if you guys end up going your seperate ways, at least you will have given it a shot.Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if it would have worked, because of fear of the opinions of others?As an adult, you no longer have to give a shit about what others think.Flynn 24
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): OP HERE.
Thank you all for your insight. I haven't told the entire story, as I feared it would be too long. And also because it's still very fresh and painful. During the time he stayed, a good friend of mine passed away in a car accident. I was supposed to go with her on that evening, (I would drive) but I cancelled at the last minute.
He really showed his worth then as he was always there for me if I wanted to talk about it, and pretty much pulled me through that. I couldn't help but feeling somehow responsible, but he was the one who talked it out of my head and didn't let me drown in "what-ifs". My parents are busy people and they simply didn't have the time to help me much, even though they tried.
So, I don't 'think' it's just physical attraction. He spent many evenings with us all and we just get along great. Mom once told me it sometimes seems as if he was family, from the way we interacted. We laugh at the same jokes and generally agree on a lot of topics.
Ofcourse I do notice the age gap sometimes. I'm thinking about college, while he's trying to make the most out of his current job. I'm still a rookie and he's been around, and I can tell. From his point of view, the way he talks about certain things, etc.
@Emjo: the fact that when I get his age, he's going to be so much older does bug me. I mean, he's in great physical condition now, but who knows about the future. As for men his age being like that, I'm not so sure. Maybe my view is distorted by my pink glasses, but I've met many men his age and none
@BunnyTee: I'm certainly not going to serve myself to him on a platter. I didn't do that for my exes and when it comes to that he's no different. He has to earn it, lol.
@ C.Grant (love the actor, btw) & TalkingHelps: As for hiding it from my parents. Yes, that does bother me. But I simply don't know how they would react and I don't know how to find out without giving "us" away. My parents are conservative people. They have always encouraged me to befriend and go out with people my age. They went as far as sending a elementary school friend of mine home because she was two years older than me.
They like him a lot but I don't know if they'd think the same if they knew something is going on between us. So if anyone has some advice about that, please give it!
For now I'm just going to take it easy and see where it leads.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 June 2010):
 I'm with C. Grant on this one.
I can see a mature 18 year old girl being with a guy who is older, though 18 years seem like huge difference. However, a 26 year old man... he really shouldn't have a lot in common with an 18 year old. If he does.. Meeh..
I guess it's really up to the two of you. However, if you have to hide the relationship, it can't be all that "right".
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A
female
reader, Emjo  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I think it would be fine as long as neither of you have any other ties, however perhaps it is just the fact he is more "experience" at life that you like? and by the time your 38 all the people your age will be just like him. Perhaps sticking it out with the immature losers could cause less problems, although saying that, what would life be if there were no problems and no excitement?
Personally I don't know if its such a good idea, he is your dads friend and lying to parents is never a good idea however if its what you want? But be aware of what you want from it? A proper relationship? If so how long would it last? when you were 40 he'd be 60. Not too bad a I guess however he's an adult now, more so than me and you so you may want very different things.
A conversation about it with him is probably what is in order.
Hope all goes well!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I'm just going to tweak an answer I gave someone yesterday a bit, because your situation and hers are so similar.
I can see the attraction from your side. Here's an older, confident, self-assured man. He's been to different places, done interesting things. Plus he was military, and they have a particular aura about them.
What about from his side? I'll just confess right up front that I don't get men that want to date teenagers. Nothing against you -- I'm sure you're wonderful. But he's lived twice your lifetime. He's been around the block. You do, or you should, learn a lot during those years. So I look at men who want to be with someone who doesn't have that life experience with a jaundiced eye. Is he so insecure that he can't handle someone his own age? Did he miss out on those life lessons, so his development arrested at some age short of 38?
It can work, of course. I know of a few cases. But more that didn't.
You're both adults. He's single, so there's nothing stopping you from giving it a try. But one question to ask yourself -- if you're doing this thinking you have to sneak around behind your parents' backs, is your conscience trying to tell you something?
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Is it "wrong"? I wouldn't say it's wrong like right vs. wrong. Not wrong as in you're not a legal adult and he's a child predator. If you were under the age of consent, I'd give you a resounding wrong! But I'm going by your indication that you're a legal, of age adult.
Wrong, no. Ill-advised, perhaps.
He's obviously much older and has much more life-experience, these two factors alone will cause him to appear to you as incredibly different and irresistibly attractive. Irresistible attractions are easily morphed into illusions of "connections" that don't actually exist.
The problem lies within accurately determining if there really exists a connection beyond primordial sexual attraction. If you elect to satiate the sexual attraction aspect, you'll probably find that the fascination aspect will soon lose it's pull on you and you'll wonder what on earth you thought was so magnetic about him. This is where we arrive at the problematic part:
You can elect to hop in the sack with this guy, get that out of the way and then find yourself disappointed that it really wasn't all that. OR you can elect to remain the laid back observer and just watch him for awhile. See what shakes out. And genuinely determine if this a true, human connection to pursue based upon something more than purely physical attraction.
All pontificating aside, I'd recommend the later course. Use caution when you're dealing with that intoxicating, nervy, butterflies-in-the-stomach, I-just-have-to-have-this-guy feeling. As I said, it's a powerful manufacturer of illusions. It may prove to be something much less (or more) than you think it is. Evaluate your direction based upon what his actions and the evidence tells you it is.
Be smart. Use the ol' noodle. Select your direction and take your best, educated shot. No matter what be safe, respect yourself. Always.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Ii think it is wrong considering how upset your father would be x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): I personally don't think so If he makes you happy and you make him happy that's what matters not his age. My parents are 19 years apart and they have been married for 23 years now. You should try to talk to him and ask what he thinks of it. Best of luck girl!(^_^) Rem
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