A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:Hi... My dilemma is concerning my teacher. I have a teacher who has made it clear to me in actions and manner that he likes me as more than just a student; however it seems obvious to me that he is not in a position to make any moves on me as… well if he had read the situation wrong in anyway he would lose his job. Basically I am asking advice on how to initiate things with him. I have already tried to tell him I like him in words but I bailed out because of there being too many people around and me not finding the right words to say. I'm hoping someone can suggest to me a way of telling a man that you like him without... well throwing yourself at him or making a fool of yourself. There is a part of me that worries he is game playing and in that I do feel nervous about approaching him. I understand the complexity of this situation and the impact a student/teacher relationship can have on both my life and his if we are ever found out, however I haven’t many months left before I turn 18 and both me and him are capable of being discreet and clever about this. Fact is really I just want him to know what I want and for me to know what he wants because not knowing where I stand with him is driving me crazy lol. I should also mention that I am 17 years old (incase it doesn’t mention this) and he is 51 years old (yes I know old...) and married too... I know not looking good... but none the less I would very much appreciate any ways of telling this man how I feel that would not involve humiliating myself... e.g. I'm considering maybe putting my hand on his thigh... If you have any questions about this situation I will answer them in due course, I have not given you all of the information as I would be writing for pages and pages. But again as I said any responses and ideas would be very much appreciated thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (3 June 2008):
 59 answers!! I vote we close this thread! Aunties, get out there and help others on the site, who really, really need you...you are beating "a dead horse over the head here!!" (did I get that the expression, right? lol)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (3 June 2008):
 I think you already wrote your own answer to this dilemma:
"really all thats left is me making the move now or waiting 6 months for him to make the move"
Six months isn't really that long to wait.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeh bringing him home when im an adult. it wud be innappropriate to ask and ew
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female
reader, lotus mama808 + ♥, writes (3 June 2008):
 Thanks guys, I know my kid will be fine, cause the day she brings home her much older, married teacher is the day the s$@! hits the fan in my home. I mean, seriously what parent is okey-dokey with their daughter behaving that way? (well I guess this girl's folks are fine with it, hey, maybe we found the problem!) To the anon that asked this question, why dont you consult your parents about this question, since you feel so confident in their reaction to your bringing him ho
me.
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female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
 What's the botanical one, Tisha? Come on, tell us! *tee hee*
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question?
y wud i exaggerate his actions what wud be the point?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
 And as a side note to Tisha, Lotus Mama, this poster exaggerates most of her teacher's actions due to her obsession. Take everything with a grain of salt. Again your daughter will be just fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok i get more help off ukchatterbox believe it or not than off here. Noone ever listens to the question and just lectures me on it. argh nevermind forget i even asked.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
Lotus mamma, don't worry, we were proving a point. And I think we just did. If not to her, to the rest of the readers of this thread. Sorry for upsetting you in this.
She's not listening, so it really doesn't matter.
Your daughter will be just fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUve made typos lots of times it's easy to do 'read'
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
"And i reas those answers but i wudnt use any of those"...sigh
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm an A student? And i reas those answers but i wudnt use any of those as ways of telling my teacher how i feel about him.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
LOL,thats IT, I'm home schooling my daughter. Or I am requesting female teachers. Damn, can't even trust the adults to TEACH our kids, too busy trying to get in their pants, brush up against them, touch their legs! What are they learning? How to create an affair, thats it! Ugh. Anon, you need to seek help elsewhere. This post is making me ill.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Ditto Tisha,
I don't know why I bothered. I promised myself that I wouldn't be back. This lady is more than reckless, she's also unable to read. I guess that's what comes from planning to steal her teacher from his wife, rather than listening to her school lessons and learning to read like she's supposed to.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
Oh, Jiminy Crickit. Here, here's the cut/paste of the helpful answers you had in that regard.
*Shaking my head at aiding and abetting stupidity*
"A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):
"You want to know how to have an affair? and destroy a family and an older lady's confidence?, you can try these ones (I just hope that the old saying "what goes around, comes around" doesn't come back to haunt you when you are older)
"I like the shirt you are wearing, my brothers' birthday is coming up, wanna help me out find some stuff for him?"
"I'd like to get lunch with you, there are some personal/intimate matters that we need to discuss"
"I know that we are both attracted to each other, we need to talk"
"There's a party at my friend's house, will I see you there, maybe we can chat it up" (oh nevermind he's too old to have the same friends you have)
"Could we get dinner together sometime this week?"
"Since you seem to know/act like an adult how would an adult say it?, be DIRECT! duh! you don't need advice on how to stop playing mind games, I mean you are both adults that don't need advice on how to say "I like you"
"oh!, that was another one"
FYI, I am NOT the anon reader.
There, you've got the advice you wanted, and for what you paid for it. Hope it helps.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (2 June 2008):
A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008)
I like the shirt you are wearing, my brothers' birthday is coming up, wanna help me out find some stuff for him?"
"I'd like to get lunch with you, there are some personal/intimate matters that we need to discuss" "I know that we are both attracted to each other, we need to talk" "There's a party at my friend's house, will I see you there, maybe we can chat it up" (oh nevermind he's too old to have the same friends you have) "Could we get dinner together sometime this week?"
Since you seem to know/act like an adult how would an adult say it?, be DIRECT! duh! you don't need advice on how to stop playing mind games, I mean you are both adults that don't need advice on how to say "I like you"
DiovanLestat
I have feelings for you that I can't control, I think I love you, and all I can think about is you. I want to be with you, I want to share my love with you. Do you think it's possible, or am I being a fool".
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCoz noone is answering the question i asked, which was how to approach him.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
It's nothing personal, although your pm's were VERY insulting. However one just has to wonder why the heck you keep posting this when you aren't even the slightest bit interested in the responses you get?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell im not going to end what i have with him. And eyeswideopen what is ur problem? If you dont like me then please do not post comments thankyou.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
Getting involved with a married man, whether you are 17, 27, 37, 47, 57, 67, 77 or 107, someone is going to wind up in tears. And it's usually NOT the man, unless he's been kicked where it hurts by either female party involved when she finds out that he's been lying and cheating and carrying on.
Birdy, your bringing up the "horse to water adage" reminds me of the famous Dorothy Parker aphorism on horticulture. Google it if you need to, but I suspect you know what I'm talking about.
Poster, you are old enough to work this out, and you've been given great advice by some wise old people. It's up to you what you do with it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
Ladies and Gentlemen, Let me introduce you to our very own DearCupid's: resident school girl crush participater, obsession indulger, fantasy world citizen, aunt's excellent advice ignorer, and I will keep posting this crap every month until I'm blue-in-the-face poster! To little Miss Sunshine, I'll bet this teacher is counting the days until you are out of his school as well, and NOT for the reasons YOU think.
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female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
If not caring about your "parents and societies views", you mean character, morals, values and ethics, I guess I will bow out in trying to help here as well. It's obvious that your parents have passed along their good judgement to you - I guess that you can Lead a Horse to Water but you can't Make them Drink. I'm with DiovanLestat.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (2 June 2008):
You have been given good advice by the aunts and uncles on this page. You have even been given the words for you to approach this man and go after what you want. I will now bow out and wish you good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Well im really sorry to hear that, that not nice. btw, it was not him who told me his wife was cold, and also there is no mistake in the kind of affection between us - he is not merely giving me attention he touches me flirts with me e.g. brushing up against me, sitting very close, rubbing knees, stroking my leg. And I would intoduce him to my parents yes with no problem. If my parents abide by societies views thats their problem not mine, what people think has never bothered me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): How do you dare to ask such an imbecile question?????
I'm 47 going on 48. my ex husband cheated on me with his 20 year old secretary, he divorced me and moved in with her, I went through the worst depression and attempted suicide.
Then, my ex left her for another girl, now he's got an STD and the new girl is pregnant.
The first wh_re got pregnant twice, aborted the first and the second was an unwanted kid.
Wanna know what's the worst?. I felt worthless when I found them having sex in my house, and now am happy that the way her life is going...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): You want to know how to have an affair? and destroy a family and an older lady's confidence?, you can try these ones (I just hope that the old saying "what goes around, comes around" doesn't come back to haunt you when you are older)
"I like the shirt you are wearing, my brothers' birthday is coming up, wanna help me out find some stuff for him?"
"I'd like to get lunch with you, there are some personal/intimate matters that we need to discuss"
"I know that we are both attracted to each other, we need to talk"
"There's a party at my friend's house, will I see you there, maybe we can chat it up" (oh nevermind he's too old to have the same friends you have)
"Could we get dinner together sometime this week?"
Since you seem to know/act like an adult how would an adult say it?, be DIRECT! duh! you don't need advice on how to stop playing mind games, I mean you are both adults that don't need advice on how to say "I like you"
oh!, that was another one
Last, putting your hand on his lap? are you serious? that's just too porn-ish
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female
reader, Upenn_09  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Also, for anonymous, you said that you are failing to see my point.
My point is that just because a teacher is giving you all the attention and he makes you feel special doesn't mean that he's not happily married or that he likes you as girlfriend. Once again refer back to my story, none of my other teachers would be as nice as he was, I mean ask me how I was doing and asking me to drop by his office if I needed ANYTHNG?, not very many teacher do that, but good teachers make themselves available and are always trying to help their students, that's where some of us mistake that for attraction.
Also reading other responses it seems like he's made advances?. hmm not very ethical as a teacher and I'm sure there are strict rules in your school about teachers pursuing students...
I also posted something earlier, that's my conclusion (sorry it's in two chunks)
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female
reader, Upenn_09 +, writes (2 June 2008):
sorry I didn't get to see the other response when you said that he's approached you??. (some responses seemed to have sugested that), if he's approached you when he's STILL Married he's a perv.
Let's pretend something happens. Will you be able to take him to your house?. How would you introduce him to your parents? What would be their reaction?
If he's told you that his wife is cold and all that BULLSH"T ask him why is he still with her?, sk him what does he want from you and since he seems to have feelings for you ask him if he'd be willing to introduce you to his wife or his kids?, ask him if he's prepared to lose his job for you?.
Honestly I really think that there's something so perverted about this situation.
Honey, we are all trying to make you see that it's not right, if you don't agree with us you are entitled to it but don't fight us back if you don't hear what you want. We are outsiders who are not biased and we are giving you our most sincere advice.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 + ♥, writes (2 June 2008):
Listen, we are all trying to save you from a whole lotta drama that WILL ruin your life (because we care). I understand you didnt want everyones opinions, you wanted tips on how to drop the "I am crazy about you bomb" on someone. Sort out the answers here in 2 piles: the opinions, and the answers to your question. You seem to think you have this MARRIED guy figured out, so I think you have the confidence to drop the bomb on him without all of our insight. If its approval you want, I doubt you'll find it here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm confused.. what is ur point?
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female
reader, Upenn_09 +, writes (2 June 2008):
Hello sweetie,
I had feelings for one of my teachers (later i found out that I wasn't the only one: he's 30 and XTRMELY attractive, basically a copy of an abercrombie model) but I will tell you something, I though he liked me and I didn't know he was married (he'd never wear his ring).
He'd always smile at me anytime we talked outside of class, he'd wait to answer my questions basically after everyone in class was gone, I'd see him all the time at my local gymnasium, he'd let me borrow books, he'd go out of his way to say hi when we'd see each other around campus, he'd recommend things to read, he's always ask me how I was doing, we'd walk outside of class together until one day he told me: "my wife and I will be celebrating our second honeymoon and her birthday in Italy, I will be out of the office til the 25th, but you really are one of my most compromised students and I really appreciate your efforts so I will let you see the next lecture in advance and e-mail me if you have any questions, also I will be in the office 'til 2 tomorrow, please come if you need anything"...
Do you still want to ask him?...
Think you still want to ask him?...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he does talk about me alot and I wish he wouldnt because now everyone thinks theres something going on between us. I have spoken to my friends and family and really i dont think its appropriate to ask my parents how i shud approach my teacher lol. And he hasnt approached me becayse out of uncertainty i sometimes reject his advances and he could lose his job and wife over it. k x
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (2 June 2008):
He cares about you. Does he send you flowers? Dose he take you out? Dose he tell you he loves you? Can you go pictures with him? Have you met his mother? Can you sit in the park with him for hours on end? Do you do shopping together? Can you call him because your afraid of the lightning? Do you even have his telephone number, can you go to his house?
For me these are the basic elements to a relationship, and I don't do the chasing, I expect a guy who cares, is interested and wants me to be so crazy about me that he makes the first approach.
My standard list is the normal things that you do in a normal relationship. He may like you, but me and the other aunts and uncles are questioning about the kind of way he likes you. Does he do nice things for you, or are you a little dirty secret, that he dosen't talk about and can bearly acknowledge. Again, if everything was so wonderfull, you'd be talking to friends and family rather than us aunts/uncles on "Dear Cupid Agony Advice Line".
Sorry babes, by now you should know I'm on your side, but I've got a sharp tongue. I want the best for you. But your an adult, so I've put the soft gloves in the fire, and it's all out war for the sake of your soul and your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sorry but I find it hard to listen to people on here because 2 years ago, I came on here asking people whether they thought my teacher fancied me and told them what he was like. I was told i was living in a fantasy world delluded that he would never like me that way. Well how wrong were they? I was very right, and the people who told me that did not know what they were talking about. My judgement was right and i was 15? So ive come to value my understanding of him.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (2 June 2008):
Ok! Over and over again you tried to convince us that your an adult who knows what she is doing.
You want to do this. Then go up to him and simply say,
"I have feelings for you that I can't control, I think I love you, and all I can think about is you. I want to be with you, I want to share my love with you. Do you think it's possible, or am I being a fool".
There, you want just the words. There they are. You think your an adult. You don't listen to me, you don't listen to the other aunts/uncles who are so fearfull of your future. You've read innocentlost story and you still think you know better. You've probably got over 20 odd people telling you it's wrong, but you refuse to listen.
This I can respect. You know what I and everyone else thinks, you don't care because you know different and are so in love...... Go ahead then, use my words.... See what happens... and then come back to us, so we can cry and heal your wounds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your thoughts birdynummums however, I should say that these facts about him and his wife were not found from what he has told me, he does not talk about the relationship he has with his wife, he does not have any children either. I have liked him for 5 years and for 3 of these years he knew who i was because I introduced myself to him. I dont expect anything from this relationship I just want to love him I am very much aware of the age difference between and I dont care about it, I have never fit in with society I have always been different, I dont care what people think and he is the same. He may or may not leave his wife I don;t know and wont know until I am in a position to judge. I am a teenager but in some months I shall be an adult. And yes I have told my parents the way I feel about him. My friends and my family know that I like him and are persuing him. I dont have much of a relationship with my family as my parents have a lot of problems between them and this often takes their focus. I also have a 12 year old brother and this takes the rest of their attention. For the 5 years that I have liked this man I grew up and I changed. I may be naive to certain things but I have had relationships with older men before. My ex boyfriend is 36, I am in no way innocent and I am prepared for this relationship. If i get my heartbroken which i probably will atleast I can say that I went for it and I didnt give up on my dreams. Thankyou for your input but I am looking still, for someone to tell me how to approach this man. If someone could do that it would be appreciated thankyou.
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female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (1 June 2008):
All men who cheat on their spouses tell the same lies that he has told you. "My wife is cold, my wife doesn't understand me, we haven't had sex in a year..." blah, blah, blah. The fact still remains that he is married and you are underage.
What are your expectations? Do you think that he will leave his wife and be with you forever? Or did you just want to use him for sex until you tire of him and your interest fades as you become more of a nursemaid than a life-partner? He will be 64 when you are 30, and you will be in your sexual peak in when you hit 40 and he will be 74. If you want a family with him, his children won't probably be married before they are thiirty, so chances are, he won't be at their weddings with you and he will never live to see his grandchildren. If all of this reality is a sobering thought and gives you pause, remember that you are the one in control of your own destiny. Be careful of what you wish for, you just might get it.
There was a study that was in the news about a year ago that stated that there is a chemical reason that makes the teenage brain make rash decisions without regards to the consequences of there actions and that this is normal for all teenagers. The brain actually hasn't reached it's maturity yet, and that is why most children are protected by law until 16 and not recognised as adults until they are 18. This is also the reason why we try to protect you from unethical teachers as well. Any adult in a position of power over a young person is in control of his actions and it is a breach of ethics to confide or approach any of their charges in the manner that you have suggested that he has. If he hasn't and this is delusional thinking on your part, you could be in a position to have him fired, lose his tenure and his career, have crimal charges brought against him and have his marriage destroyed. If he also has children, they will bear the brunt of this for the rest of their lives by having a family that is in pieces and grandparents that live in separate houses when they raise their own families.
Is this something that you would want to discuss with your parents first? If not, why not? Do you feel shameful about your intentions and want to hide this from them? Does that actually tweak your conscience at all? It should.
As women, we are the people responsible for teaching morals and instilling character in our children. That's a pretty hard thing to teach when you can't vouch for your own behavior - kids pick up on it. Try to live your life without regrets - some things aren't meant to be explored, even if the pull is strong. You have already read a column full of reasons why this is a very bad idea, and you wouldn't have written in to all of us if you didn't already think this was wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok... who said i wouldnt?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Michael Jackson feels that he absolutely "needs" to be with children. His need doesn't make it right.
The fact is that you chose to end up here, whether you wanna admit it or not. You could have avoided this problem by not getting yourself involved with him in the first place. But you willingly chose to get (and stay) involved for three years before you finally declared that it was "out of your control."
Go after him if you want, but please take some responsibility for your actions and the consequences they bring later.
I would demand the same thing of him too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not like that, I;ve known him for 3 years. I am in love with this man. If i do not make a move I will regret it for the rest of my life.. if i do make a move I may regret it for thre rest of my life but theres a 50/50 chance I wont. I have had boyfriends who are older, but none of them are the man he is. He is not popular, he is not 'gorgeous'. Infact he is regarded as one of the least popular teachers in the school. He is sad, lonely and with a woman who wont even share a bed with him. I am not stupid I know the risks of getting involved, but the problem is I am already very much involved and really all thats left is me making the move now or waiting 6 months for him to make the move. I love this man... this is all I know. I dont just want to be with him I need to be, I cant just forget this and move on trust me I;ve tried and its not like that, its real and it may be crazy and even wrong but sometimes in life you have to take a risk. And I am going to take this risk and it seems to me like he has chosen to as well, and as mentioned in a comment he is an adult who can make his own decisions and I have practically looked after myself for 7 years so I would consider myself an adult capable of making her own decisions. However there is still the question of how to approach and him and due to a lack of experience of approaching men of his age and position I am open to suggestion.
Thankyou for your comments I do consider them even if it appears I am not listening I am just strong willed and I want this man more than anythign else I have ever wanted in my life. I cannot give that up, not until he says no.
So thankyou, again I would very muchy appreciate some comments on how I could go about approaching him. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): I don't know... this feels like trying to tell a baby not to touch the stove because it's hot. Everybody is telling you that you're heading for a world of pain, but you don't seem to get the message, do you? You think that your case is special!
It would be okay to just fi |
