A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 year old married woman who has trouble making friends. I don't relate to other women well, so I turn to men for friendship. It isn't a case of just having more in common with men, either. There is something I can't put my finger on between me and other women that stops us from being friends. I tried many friendships with women from age 12-20. It was always the other woman to end the friendship by simply ignoring my attempts at contact. If I did get a hold of them again, I never got an explanation as to why they no longer wanted to be friends. The problem with turning to men is they always think I want more than friendship. The last male friend I had was when I was 19, but he developed strong feelings toward me. After I rejected him, he was depressed for awhile, then went back to his ex who had cheated on him, and he ended up marrying her. She made him cut contact with me, because she knew how he'd felt about me. So tell me aunts, if you managed to have platonic male friends, how did you do it? It's not even like I'm outstandingly gorgeous or anything, so I don't get why it's such a struggle. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give myself a 7 on a REALLY good day. Is it possible I'm sending out signals to guys without even knowing? Or do they assume I'm interested in something besides friendship, JUST because I talked to them? Is there any way to get around this? Answers from the uncles are welcome too. Especially if you have female friends, you could probably shed some light on this.
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female
reader, ImissFuturama +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Yes, some guys DO perceive friendliness from women as interest, especially with women they find attractive. Your "signals" are probably their wishful thinking. If you're truly not interested, your body language isn't going to say otherwise. If you want to be friends with one particular guy, I would hang out in a group setting first. No asking him to hang out one on one right away. Maybe you could go out with a group of coworkers, or something. If you know the guy you're trying to befriend is single and looking, you could casually point out an attractive woman walking by while you're talking to him. This should get your point across without directly saying anything. Don't do it constantly, just every now and then as a reminder. I also agree with the poster who says you have to keep your distance, and to an extent you DO have to treat men and woman differently. Some guys will think you're interested in them if you call too much. Don't spend time with one guy in particular at EVERY social event, either.
A
male
reader, thoughtsshared  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Men do like to have female friends as they can often be themselves more in female company. Single men might more easily fall in love with you and non-single men might often have jealous partners. I think it's important to send out the platonic signals right from the beginning by focusing on interests you have in common. It's also important to mention right from the start that you're married, not looking for a boyfriend, but that it would be good to hang out with some guy friends.Rather than going out for a drink or meal on the first few occasions, it's best to go to a movie or concert together or, even better, group social activities like parties or evening classes or gym etc. Some men understand it better if you do mostly 'guy stuff' with them - sport, exercise, etc. Bring your husband along the first few times and then bring your husband along every few months or so - just as a reminder. Talk about the future plans you have with your husband, and ask him about his girlfriend or past relationships. You might offer to introduce him to single girls that you know. From my experience you'll always have the occasional moment when things could potentially cross the line. You have to look out for these - the soft voice and blurry eyes and the slow, close body language etc. Best to try to avoid the quiet evenings together until you really get to know them as friends. Not all young guys are mature enough to have a female friend. I don't think they'll always manage to see you as just a friend, but that's normal unless you only make friends with gay guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): It could be that you have been sending signals out to women, actually. With platonic friendshis, you still have to keep your distance and not talk everyday or have long phone calls, etc. You can't treat them the same as you would a female friend.
Can you join a hobby group that you're interested in, so that you meet people who have common interests with you, not just random men and women? Or even volunteering once a week at a place that deals with things you're passionate about?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Hi sweetheart,
I am so sorry I cannot really offer you a solution. But if it helps, you are not at all alone. Your post describes me perfectly. Either they want more and you don't see them that way, or they get into a relationship, and their girlfriend is uncomfortable with me. It's painful to no end. I find the worst part is, it always seems to be a shock. Either when they make a move, or the girlfriend I thought I'd come to be friends with turns on me. Nobody ever hears the villified "female friend's" side of things, and it's absolutely awful.
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A
female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Well, as far as I can tell, women can be friends(but it's relatively hard). I am a female and I *do* have other female friends, however this friendships I have with them are just on the surface (as it were). There is one female friend(we've known each other since childhood) with whom I get along very well. Then again, I moved in another city and the only contact we have is by phone/texts and social media. Whenever I go back home (visiting parents and what-not), we do meet and catch things up. But that's the thing, I can count on one hand(heck one finger) my truly best (female)friend. Sure I interact with other women, but it never lasts. Either I am the one who drifts apart or they are. On the other side of the spectrum though.. it's another story. Personally I can relate much better to males than I will ever do to females (you do too as I gather).It has a lot to do with what kind of interests you're having. And what kind of personality. Most women(and I am generalising...I KNOW not all women are like that), but the vast majority are so soft and sentimental. Have you noticed that guys are not? Not so much at least(again, there's always the exception to the rule, but I am not talking about exceptions now). It's much easier for me to speak my mind to a male, because I know he's not over-analysing things. He won't be afraid to tell me his piece of mind OR to put my feet firmly on the ground... they are not afraid to hurt your feelings. After all that's what friends do.I was more of a tom-boy... interested in cars, engineering, computer science. sports etc.. well let's just say girls my age never were interested in such things. And then, in high-school I made my first male-friend. Common interests, no crushing on each other. Just friends. Ever since then(high-school) I made plenty more male friends. So how does one manage to keep it platonic? Well, as far as I am concerned, I'd say the key is to just show the guy you're not interested in him physically whatsoever. Keep your distance and don't get yourself into compromising situations. The moment you notice the guy might have other kind of feelings for you, stop the contact. Explain to him, that you cannot see that spark between the two of you, that friendship is all you can ever offer. But honestly, once the guy had those feelings, there's no going back, so better cut off everything and move on. Some people say, that men and women cannot be friends. But I call that bullsh!t (pardon my french). I am the living proof that it can work. The secret is how the two of you handle things. Yes, you might send the wrong signals.. or you may not. Maybe you're just being friendly and he interprets(wrongly). Not your fault. And just because you talk to them that doesn't mean you're automatically interested in something more than a chit-chat. If you seem to always hit a wall with that, it means you're not approaching the right guys. Hope I helped.
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