A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My live in boyfriend and me got an apartment in march I paid the first month and him the deposit, a month into the lease I had to leave town because of a medical emergency where my sister's heart condition became worse and she needed surgery. Since I am her closest family I needed to go. My boyfriend said to go that he would take care of rent and bills the couple of months I'd be away. I went and everything went well...I took around 3 months and now that I am back my boyfriend is saying I never paid rent, and that my contributions to our house are very little!! I am offended because I brought all of the kitchen appliances(microwave, dishes, pots and pans...), bought half our bedroom, and I've been cleaning and making him dinner every night!The worse thing is that when he needed grocery/bill money for himself while I was away I sent him money right away. I didn't pay rent the 3 months I was away, but because he said it was okay! I was so worried I took his offer without thinking and left. Now he is saying I never paid rent, but I paid the deposit, sent him money when he needed for groceries, and it was thanks to me we got the apartment thanks to my credit, as he has none. I know MY name is on the lease too, but I wasn't living there and I thought a boyfriend should be more supportive. I paid rent this month , but his remarks are hurtful...I mean I only took his offer because of an emergency and he is saying my contributions are very small...I wasn't even living here for those 3 months I thought we agreed! He always told me to take my time and to not worry , that he had it under control. He said he was more than happy to pay the rent alone while I came home... I don't think I've contributed that little... I thought a serious LTRs where he wants to marry me consisted of a supportive partner who is understanding of sudden issues...He doesn't consider my imput as anything beyond minor assistance. We got into an argument because of this. If your partner has an emergency and you share a lease, would you charge them for rent? Or belittle their contributions as insignificant?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): I apologise that I'm going to sound cynical here... but how did you 'forget' to mention that you paid him your half of the rent for 3 months on the day of your return?IF this is the case then you paid 1/2 rent, phone + internet + 900 for his spending money, as well as paying the deposit, and buying the fridge, washer and dryer.... if all this is true then it sounds like he may be using/ guilt-tripping you for all that he can... Because if you paid him your half as soon as you got home, then it’s either that or it’s not about the money for him at all?? Might it be that he's sulking at feeling 'abandoned' in the apartment by himself for three months? He has no right to complain in the circumstances, so could he be using money as an excuse to gripe?I think sitting down and making a schedule of exactly what you've both spent would be worthwhile. It'll make it clear whether either of you are being taken advantage of; and so help you get things back to an even playing field.But... once you have all the information, then I think you need to sit back and figure out what's really going on here... because you both need to think if this is what you really want. Things have got pretty nasty very early and during a difficult time for you. Maybe the difficult time has caused more stress, or maybe its let you know he's too needy to be fully supportive when you need to take time away from him for to be there for your family...You first need the answer to what you've each been contributing to the shared finances to establish who might be taking advantage of who here... and then you can figure of why and how you both feel about the relationship in regards to that. Because there's far more to this than money- it’s the games/ guilt/ lack of equality behind that which matters.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): I think the real problem is you think that people should give you a financial obligation pass because something happened that prevented you from paying your bills. So what if the landlord was aware? If the landlord took payments late from every tenant who had personal problems or personal situations, the place would go under.
You are in the wrong here, not your boyfriend. Get a grip, deal with it and move on.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (12 July 2013):
 Maybe you guys just aren't right for each other. If he's as controlling as you say, that should be enough for you to walk away...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo DV1 I am judging him based on him belittling my money and my help when I supported him while he looked for a job. Also when I left I left behind 900 cash for anything he needed... he used them of course.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi forgot to add I did pay him my part of the 3 months rent first day I came back home.
I am just hurt he says my contribution does not matter any more or is meaningless as it came too late.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 July 2013):
 Yeah, I got pissed too when my significant household contributions used to get belittled… If I were to take away the lounge, dinning, bedroom furniture and all the other chattels; all he’d have is the flippin’ floor to sit on! I won’t mention the (debit-free) roof over his head was also provided by me… oops I just did :) Nonetheless I do ask my partner for a weekly financial contribution to the household, when he is working it’s the full amount, unemployed it’s 1/3 and when we holiday (bi-annually) he pays for most of the expenses in lieu of rent so to speak. I believe that’s a fair arrangement and one shouldn’t bytch or belittle!?In your case you have rent to pay to a Landlord and that’s the business side of any relationship when they co-sign a lease. Here some people get this line blurred when it comes to their emotional expectations of their partner; would you charge them rent under your particular circumstances etc. In short, to be fair – YES. I think that’s unanimous.However your boyfriend could have asked and stated his case more politely than to belittle your significant contributions! Plus he should not have over estimated this rent, for him to solely take care of the rent and bills in the couple of months you’d be away as he said. Obviously one didn’t think and the other perhaps took it for granted!?Meanwhile I hope your Sister’s surgery went well and is recovering comfortably Take Care – CAA
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): First anon male responding to DV1"I think that it's ridiculous to say that she can't count on him in an emergency." Agreed. Overstatement on my part, and agree with your take that if OP and boyfriend are both quibbling over who's contributing what to household expenses then they weren't ready to move in together (or to use an edited version of a politically incorrect phrase that mods deleted from my earlier post, sh^ck up). I will restate my original perception to say that if boyfriend is belittling OP's contributions, then from my outsider perspective that is a possible red flag indicating he is a potential controller and OP should be carefully considering the future of this relationship beyond her ill-advised, premature decision to play house.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (11 July 2013):
 OP, in response to your response: It sounds to me like you are the one who's "nickel and diming" your boyfriend. You keep referring to these contributions you've made by buying things for the apartment, but we have no idea what contributions your boyfriend may have also made. Furthermore, we have no idea if your boyfriend even wanted or needed the things you bought for the apartment. A lot of young guys live with the bare minimum amount of stuff (no pots and kitchenware, no dishwashers, no nice bedsets, etc.) and it never occurs to them they need more stuff until a girl moves in and decides he does. Also, who gets to keep the bigger ticket items you bought in the event you guys break up? I'm guessing you do, so you can't really use that in lieu of rent.Internet and phone bills are a small chunk of change compared to the rent; your paying them in no way makes up for missing 3 months of rent. Like everyone has said, just because you have an emergency does not mean your life gets put on hold for you. Life waits for no one. Not being physically on the property doesn't mean you're not responsible for it. You have an obligation to your landlord to pay that rent. If anything, you are lucky your boyfriend loaned you the money interest free by paying your share for you while you were gone.However, if you really insist on making things perfectly fair, why not sit down and figure out who paid exactly what over the last 3 months? You can show your boyfriend your figures and that will tell him exactly what kind of person he's with and how much you love each other. If I had any advice for you, it would be to find someone who's generous, and be generous in return; stop nickel and diming everything. I was with an ex-boyfriend for 4 years and we constantly had each other's back, nobody kept count. When I was a poor student and he earned a grad stipend, he covered everything for me. When I got a full time job, I covered everything for him. There wasn't any thinking about it, because we loved each other. We are broken up now and neither of us regret being so free with money or have any idea who spent more on who. In fact, if anything, I am even more generous with my current boyfriend because of it. And he is just as generous with me -- because we love each other. Maybe people are too selfish or suspicious these days, but I feel if you love someone, you don't keep count of who did what and who paid for what. Try it sometime.
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (11 July 2013):
I think that it's ridiculous to say that she can't count on him in an emergency. Different emergencies exist. Why would you be so idiotic as to sign a lease for an apartment, then go away and expect not to hold up the contract that YOU signed. Here's a question. Do you think if you were bleeding to death that he would save you? That's an emergency too, and if he acts, then maybe he's reliable. You can't judge a guy based off of one occurrence. You guys obviously weren't prepared to move in with each other. He thought that he was getting someone to move in who could pay their part, and obviously, he was wrong. I get that something bad came up in your life, but when he starts handling 70 or more percent of the household on his own, regardless of what you've got going on, you're part of the relationship and the team of two. Get over yourself, suck it up, and move back home so that you can keep not paying rent, and "helping out with the internet and cell phone bill"
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2013):
 IF you are LTR and living together and plan to treat this like a marriage then your money is his money and his money is yours IMO.
In addition, even if I am not living in my home I am responsible for it's upkeep and it's bills.
It was kind of him to tell you to go and not worry about it but my take on it was "don't worry it will get done and we will sort it out when you get back" is the implied intent.
but yeah you owe three months worth of rent to your HOUSEHOLD... not to your partner/boyfriend/husband/lover
a household has a budget. A budget is based on the standard expected income of the adult home population.
When my mother was ill and out of state I was with my parents more than I was at work. I took a leave of absence from work and hence had no income. I was still responsible to pay my mortgage and all my home expenses (phone, insurance, heat) my food expenses of course were moved to the location I was living at the time.
Just because you are not living in the place you are legally responsible for does not mean you are not still responsible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, he knew it was three months. He can afford the apartment by himself just fine, we made a budget together and he usually has 500 dollars left over every month after all bills, rent and stuff is paid.
We both cosigned, so his name is there too. The landlord knew of the situation.
I did have to buy a fridge and washer and dryer , and it's not like I never sent him any money at all.
I paid the internet/phone bill online while I was away. It's less than the rent , but as I said it's not like I never helped. I am just hurt he is nickle and diming me like this when the first month when he did not have a job I covered everything.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (11 July 2013):
 Your boyfriend isn't charging you rent. Your landlord is and you agreed to pay it when you signed the lease.
Apartments come with a fridge and stove so you did not provide all of the appliances, certainly not the big expensive ones. You brought a microwave and some dishes. If you bought half the bedroom furniture that means he paid for or provided the other half, as well as the living room furniture, TV, DVD player and telephone. Obviously you have a computer and access to the internet. Who paid for that?
Three months is a very long time to be away, not pay bills and still expect to have a home to return to. What would you have done if you'd rented that place on your own? Or if it were property you owned by yourself and had to make mortgage payments? The fact that you had to help your boyfriend with grocery money meant he was struggling to maintain it by himself. Cooking and cleaning, necessary as they are, don't pay the bills.
Did you expect your boyfriend to provide you with a free storage facility that you could reclaim as your home whenever you were inclined to return?
If you wanted to be treated as a wife, then you should have waited until you were his wife before moving in with him. Nevermind religion. There are practical and legal reasons why being married is better than simply shacking up. If your relationship is special only by virtue of the fact that you share expenses then you could saved yourself the headache and just picked out a room mate.
OP, you're not obliged to become your boyfriend's house slave to make up for those three months, but surely two grown ups can come up with something that benefits both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Life just doesn't work that way. Wouldn't it be nice if when we go on vacation, we could just tell the utility companies and mortgage companies that since we were away for two weeks we don't have to pay for any of it because we weren't there? Emergency or no emergency, you are still responsible for your share of expenses. Your partner took care of that burden while you were away but that did not mean you were going to get a free ride. You owe him and the right thing to do is pay it back. Welcome to being a grown up. Now act like one and take care of your financial responsibilities.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (11 July 2013):
I have to say I agree with your boyfriend. It doesn't matter that you weren't physically in the apartment for three months; you entered into an agreement with your boyfriend that you would be sharing a residence and the costs of it. It sounds like your boyfriend can't afford this apartment on his own and was relying on your financial help, help that you are legally obligated to give as head or co-signer of that lease. Your responsibility to the apartment and your boyfriend didn't end just because you went away for a while. Also consider that some leases stipulate the lease-holder may not be living off the residence for more than 30 days, so you might not have even been allowed to go away like that... --- "If your partner has an emergency and you share a lease, would you charge them for rent?" I think the real issue here is that if neither of you are being supportive of the other's situation, and if you don't see eye to eye on money, maybe you shouldn't have moved in together. "Money" is the number one reason couples end in divorce... The fact remains you signed a lease with your boyfriend and moved in with him; you have a legal and I'd say moral obligation to help your boyfriend with the rent, whether you're on the property or not. Would I personally charge my partner for rent if they had an emergency? It depends. If I could not afford the rent on my own and they had the financial means to help, yes. I'd also wonder why my partner is so unwilling to help and maybe end the relationship over it. I wouldn't want to be with a partner who sees his money as his and my money as mine and exploits opportunities to save and stiff me with the bill."Or belittle their contributions as insignificant?"Yeah, I think you definitely were not ready to move in together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): I think he thought you'd be away for just a month, to be honest I wouldn't put up with it either for three months. It's a bit cheeky to be honest.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): "If your partner has an emergency and you share a lease, would you charge them for rent?"If he were truly your "partner," then the two of you would have joint assets and liabilities precluding the need for him to "charge" you for living expenses during your extended absence. Since he is a boyfriend with whom you share a lease but no legal relationship, what's yours is yours and what's his is his so he is within his rights to expect you to fulfill your end of the contract both of you signed with your landlord.He's demonstrated that he is not someone you can count on in an emergency. Instead of defending yourself against his petty nickel-and-dime arguments you should be making plans to leave him when your lease is up, if not sooner. Hopefully you have receipts for all the household items you purchased, and hopefully you will have learned a valuable lesson regarding the potential risks of playing house with future boyfriends.
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