A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a question for those who faced the huge dilemma to stay in a 'comfortable' but ultimatley unfulfilling marriage (no children involved) or to leave and begin again 'alone', i.e not straight into another relationship.Those who decided to leave, did it turn out to be the 'right' decision and did happiness happen to you with a new love?and to those who stayed...did it all work out and 'get better'?I face this potential big decision and would like to hear of others outcome and thoughts Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, louweez23 +, writes (13 May 2008):
 If you're in a comfortable but unfulfilling marriage what would YOU need to change to make it fulfilling?
THe fact is that once the intial bloom has worn off you have to work really really hard to make any relationship fulfilling.
If you go off on your own and meet someone else you'll be back exactly where you are in another 18-24 months. What are you going to do? Keep flitting from partner to partner?
The sensible thing to do is put a bit more effort in to this relationship and make it work.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  + ♥, writes (12 May 2008):
 I am sorry - but I would have to disagree with the "strategy" offered in the previous answer - to me this seems incredibly deceiptful - and from what I have read it doesn't sound like your wife has really done anything to deserve that!
I feel you owe it to your wife to discuss your current dilemma. I know this would be very hard, for both of you, but you need to remember that this is a woman you loved enough to propose to, to marry, to build a life with - perhaps you are not meant to stay married, but that doesn't mean what you have or have had is bad. Even if you do end up leaving - you don't have to destroy this woman in the process. You can't be completely selfish in this situation...it's not that simple.
Are you certain there is no way you and your wife can improve the marriage? Have you ever tried? Are you clear that you don't want to be with her?
IMO you need help to explore/figure out your own feelings/motivations - have you thought about seeing a psychologist?
I hope you can gain some clarity and move forward in a way that will work for both of you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I am in a similar situation but made the muddled mistake of getting involved with someone else as if that would help me 'get out of the marriage'. Instead it left me more confused. Definitely leave to be on your own and get the space and freedom of thought you deserve. If this big step feels to big there are things you can start to do that will make it easier. Holiday on your own if you can, go out more and more, start to live independently, ensure your finances are as secure as they can be - create building blocks for your own confidence and plan how your life could be for the first month.
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A
female
reader, justgirl  + ♥, writes (11 May 2008):
Yes, I have left and I felt like 2,000 and a ton of dead anxiety, torment and unhappiness lifted from my shoulders. We were together almost twelve years and the last five were like living with a stranger. No matter how we tried to be in love again we could never make back to where were before. I did have an untimely acquaintance with a married man who I loved years ago (30 years) . But I ended that as well. I am so happy now and so is my exhusband. We actually talked about getting back together for a few years for financial reasons. We both realized how much less tension and stress was in the air and we both agreed it would be a desparate last resort. We are good friends now and realized how miserable we were for each other. Yes, a wise decision that has saved our physical beings as we both started to have physical ailments from out stressful, unfulfilling marriages. Take care and hope you make the right decision for you.
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A
female
reader, BethW  +, writes (11 May 2008):
I am married to a husband who does not want to be married after 16 years. We have two children and live in a beautiful house. Felt him disconnecting over the past two years and I tried so hard to get us reconnected. He said it was not me in the begining why he was unhappy and now after months of questioning it is me and he just wants to "be happy" and wants me "to be happy". Said "maybe we can be happy" but he was not sure that was possible.
What I am trying to say is try to remember why you two are together. What made you happy? Really try to get it back! Think positive because you may not be happier out there alone! I wish my husband thought that way and gave it a try! I know I did ramble on about myself, but it is important to give it one more chance.
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