A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If you are 27 years old, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin, is it too late? I feel too insecure about my age, being inexperienced at this age makes me feel pathetic, insecure, I just never knew how to approach and talk to girls in a way that attracts them, never knew how to court them, flirt with them, attract them, meanwhile this is common sense.The fact that 27 is not far from 30, makes me insecure, because I feel that if I can fix my issues with women and start having a dating life/sex life, i'm worried that I won't start having success with women, won't experience having a girlfriend until my 30's, I'll feel my 30's, i'm past my prime, that my youth is gone.
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flirt, insecure, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 May 2015):
 You need professional help. If you want things to change, you will have to take positive action. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't help, it's very difficult to not feel bitter and resentful, jealous of young teen and 20-something couples out there, I don't care if those relationships don't last or are immature, because I don't want to get married or settle down yet anytime soon!!!, i'm not looking for a rest of the life type of partner yet!, I feel like the older I get, the only type of women I will stand a chance at dating are women that want to get married and settle down, start a family, can't play the field anymore.
Although they were monsters, I can't help but have sympathy, empathy for the late Elliot Rodger and George Sodini, although I don't condone their actions at all.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 May 2015):
 Hi
Thank you for raising depression. My thoughts were earlier that you might be depressed - hence my earlier suggestion to concentrate on building your own self esteem.
After all, how do you imagine you can love another and receive their love if you don't love yourself enough?
You are the one in charge of you.
And if you've made up your mind that you have shortcomings such that you
think you'll never find love then people pick up this message you are sending out about you.
You don't have to look like a heartthrob either to date girls and attract girls.
You just need the confidence in you to value you and like you and think you have the right attributes and chutzpah to approach a girl and ask her out on a date. And then start dating her.
I think your own words highlighted, at the end of your last follow up, the main reason you haven't managed to have a girlfriend to date. Your own social anxiety and depression is holding you back.
If you have a plumbing problem you call a plumber, if you have an electrical problem you call an electrician. In your case you need to speak to your doctor about commencing treatment for depression. Tablets alone may not be enough. Some one on one counselling could help you to see that you have the skills and the motivation to date, but your depression and anxiety have been holding you back.
Every day you are reminding yourself of your own perceived short comings. You don't value, respect and like YOU, sufficiently.
Concentrate on you. Be kind and forgiving to you. Work with a counsellor to question that message in your brain that keeps on repeating ''you're not good enough, yet''.
You no doubt have all the skills to date right now, but your own social anxiety keeps on holding you back with an erroneous inner message that says, ''not yet.''
For all you know, some very nice girls may have already had a crush on you in the past. But you didn't pick up the signals.
While you concentrate on getting some backup support for you over depression then also work with the therapist to improve your own self image, in your mind.
Off the top of your head try to write down the ten best things that you like about you.
If that's too big a task then just write down the top three things that you can immediately think of - that are things you really like about you.
That above may be a difficult task.
Whereas the things you don't like about you? No don't write those things down - right now you can probably think up many things
You do have the attributes to move on with your life and date the opposite sex..
You just need some help to stop raking over the past and some help to see a positive happier future where you can start successfully meeting potential dates, asking for a date, and then successfully and happily then date those ladies.
All it takes is one small step by you. Don't procrastinate about it. Don't start over analysing ''why not/reasons why you can't or don't want to or shouldn't need that kind of help.
Focus on how much happier your life can become and how much you'll enjoy dating if you address this problem of depression and social anxiety re dating
dating.
You have everything to gain by working through these issues.
My best wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i'm not looking to get married or settle down yet, i'm just often angry, bitter and resentful, that I did not get my first girlfriend around the age most guys do, such as teens or early 20's, and i'm often jealous of young couples out there who are younger than me, and I don't want my first girlfriend to become my wife, I desperately would rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, even if it means getting cheated on, I just wish I had gotten to have played the field, been a serial monogamous dater, unfortuneately I can't change the past. The fact that i'm a late bloomer, i'm different and can't be like most people always depresses me.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 May 2015):
It is NEVER too late. Your own experiences are unique to you.
Here is a site about stronger marriages:
http://strongermarriage.org/htm/married/family-relationships-in-later-life
It even has a great section on preparing for dating:
http://strongermarriage.org/htm/dating/preparation-for-dating
Who says you have to be a lemming and follow exactly what your parents did 30 years ago?
Settling down and forming a permanent relationship and then marrying later in life after 30 is now more the norm than anything else.
Be thankful that you did not settle down into a relationship at 18 or 19 with all the painful lack of money and resources that so often causes marriage break ups.
Be thankful that you did not marry at 21 and realize that by 25 that you were maturing while you were working two jobs just to keep up with her spending.
I think you probably have needed this extra time to gain your confidence in you.
I think you should COMPLETELY FORGET about dating for another five years and work on building up your self esteem. someone has done a real job on you to make you think that you are not worthy boyfriend material.
Once you are a few years older then maybe you can join the every growing list of men who do not settle down and pursue women until they were ready. My grandfather married at 42 for the first time and prior to that he worked hard on a farm. No time for dating.
His own father had been the same and he was a generation older than the girl he married.
Such marriages are often very successful.
By settling down later in life you can join the ranks of thousands of people who have chosen to do just that. Examples below
Sacha Von Cohen born 1972 married 2010 and now have three children
George Clooney born 1961 married to actress Talia Balsam from 1989 to 1993 and married Amal Alamuddin in 2014.
Barack Obama born 1961 and married in 1992 and now has tow daughters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is why I feel it's too late, and it's been hitting me hard in my mind emotionally ever since I turned 25, i'm 27, now, this has what has been and is still going through my mind:"The pain, frustration of being a late bloomer, I'm in my late 20's now and still never had a girlfriend, and people have always said things to me such as its never too late, you have plenty of time, better late than never, its not a race, blah blah blah, it just angers and pisses me off when people say that because I feel I missed out my youth that I will never get back, what has going through my mind since I was nearing the end of 25 and still on my mind now, I have felt unmotivated to take action to fix my issues with women, because I feel if I ever do get a girlfriend and start having the dating life/sex life I always dreamed of.I'll never be able to heal the mental wounds, scars, pain of missing out on my teens and 20's for dating, relationships and sex, since so much of our culture, the media, generally always portrays dating, relationships, and sex as something young people do, as in teens and 20's, like let's say if I ever do get a girlfriend in the future and I'm out there in public with her and I see all these couples out there younger than me, it will be a painful reminder of what I missed out on earlier."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2015):
The sooner you get started in therapy, the sooner you can experience the things you want. Persistently asking the same question over and over again yet taking no action gets you right where you are now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): Ok, you started with one question but then created a few more when that was resolved.WHY?Why do you need to keep creating drama in your own head?I'll repeat myself.If you NEVER TRY,you will NEVER know.From what I can see in your answers, the only person stopping YOU is YOU.ps: normal concern, don't take it to heart though. It's kinda the standard. In my experience (which is not some sort of yardstick,everyone has different experiences) the only difference is that as my long-term partner got older, he could last as long (in terms of time)+ it took him longer to recover between "takes" so to speak (as in 30 min min instead of 5 or 10). I don't now if it affected the quality of the sex for him, but it did not look like it.Also,even if it did, you are NOT him, we all age differently ( I know some 50 year olds who are fitter than people in their 20s) etc. etc.Why keep asking "WHAT IF". Just do it, if you want to do it, god damn'it :P
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe person who said "Are you planning to hold out until your 40s to regret not having had a girlfriend in your 30s?Or be in your 50s looking back on the 40s?", I feel I really need therapy or some type of counseling as a way to stop feeling regretful, to stop letting regret and depression, preventing me from taking action now in the present.As for what the other woman said, "What you DO get in your 30's are MORE women who are WAY more OK with their bodies and enjoying sex, who KNOWS what their like, and who KNOWS what most guys like too."That's awesome, nice, and i'm sure I will enjoy those type of women if I manage to find dating success in my 30's, or maybe for the few years left I have in my 20's, but I also don't want to reach a certain age in which i'm too old to date or attract women in their 20's, especially early 20's women, since I would love to experience dating the type of girls I missed out on dating in my teens and early to mid 20's.Sorry if it sounds shallow but it's natural for men to be attracted to younger women, mother nature programmed men to seek out women that had the best potential to bear children, even if getting them pregnant is the last thing I want to do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2015):
Are you planning to hold out until your 40s to regret not having had a girlfriend in your 30s? Or be in your 50s looking back on the 40s?
What is holding you back? Deal with that now. The "what if" thoughts are a waste of your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 March 2015):
 You can't let.. "I have HEARD that SOME guys don't enjoy it as much in their 30's" HOLD you back - or maybe you can, it IS up to you.
What you DO get in your 30's are MORE women who are WAY more OK with their bodies and enjoying sex, who KNOWS what their like, and who KNOWS what most guys like too.
You keep put up all these IMAGINATIVE roadblocks as to WHY it's too late at 27.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2015):
Sex can feel amazing at any age.
So, what are you doing, besides fretting about the passing years, to get yourself into the situation you say you want to be in? That is, dating and enjoying sex, right?
So put all that energetic fretting and worrying and basically, the misuse of your imagination, into getting yourself the help you need to start to date and to meet women.
If you have social anxiety or OCD or are on the autism spectrum then you may need some coaching or it may behoove you to change your social arena to one in which people are more in tune to your situation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2015):
Um, yes. :)
Teens are all over the place and 20s are discovery phases.
30s are amazing.
Don't overthink the age thing.
If you are struggling with social anxiety and starting a relationship, now would be a good time to focus on that. Running through all the possibilities in your mind will get you nowhere but more anxious.
:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen you said "THERE are no rules that you HAVE more fun dating at certain ages. IT's UP to you. IT IS your life. YOU are spending more time fretting over things you can't change (the past) than putting ALL that energy into ACTIONS. Into trying to achieve your goals"i'm referring to me biologically as a man, as in human male, that there is the strong possibility my sex drive will decline heavily in my 30's, that sex won't feel as good physically, pleasure-wise, that I heard that guys, men who are sexually active in their 30's, that sex does not feel as good for them in their 30's as it was for them in their teens and 20's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 March 2015):
It's different for EACH person and at different ages. I didn't DATE till 19 and I was with that BF for 4 1/2 years -so into my 20's.
THERE are no rules that you HAVE more fun dating at certain ages. IT's UP to you. IT IS your life.
YOU are spending more time fretting over things you can't change (the past) than putting ALL that energy into ACTIONS. Into trying to achieve your goals.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 March 2015):
We all mature a little more along the ways.
The joys of discovery do change a little along the way.
But YES you can find love and joy again in your 20, 30s,40, 50s and so on.
At 20 you are no long an uneasy 15 year old.
At 30 you have learnt more empathy than when you were 20.
At 40 you have more empathy and wisdom than when you were 30.
So we do grow in wisdom as we age.
But of course people do find the love of their lives at any age from 15 to ..... Any age beyond that..
Embrace life, keep an open mind and think positive and love will find you more easily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm just wondering if dating, relationships, and sex can still be just as great, fun, pleasurable in your 30's as it was in your teens or 20's
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 March 2015):
I didn't marry till 28 and we certainly didn't slow down in our 30's, it wasn't really till his heart attack in his 40's that things slowed down, WAY down.
You can't go around with a chip on your shoulder for ALL the things you HAVEN'T DONE, what you CAN do is decide if you rather SIT and feel sorry for yourself or TRY and achieve some of those things.
You can read all kind books or you can get out there and live life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbecause it is said that couples in their 30's are not as sexually-active as couples in their 20's are, that's what scares me about getting older, that my sex drive is gonna decline a lot once I reach my 30's, I will feel I have wasted my prime years for dating, relationships and sex
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 March 2015):
First and foremost I would like to see you embrace liking and valuing you.
Because you certainly DO deserve better than to put up with a cheating girlfriend.
And NO it is never too late. I once lived next to a lovely man who emigrated from Greece when he was 15 with his brother. He never saw his parents ever again after he left Greece. but he developed a gambling problem in his youth and he confided in me once that that was the reason he did not marry until he was 50.
He was a charming man and I first met him when he was 88. His wife was 30 when he married and he went on to have two daughters who adored him. He says he only wishes that he had had the confidence to connect with girls earlier but back then his English skills were not good
Don't leave it too late to learn to love you and value you because that is the foundation to attracting others to you.
Getting a Life coach or a Dating coach could be a good idea IF you chose a good one who is respectful and has empathy and is understanding but not afraid to tell you the truth about your current hang ups, insecurities and misconceptions about life and dating.
here are some more tips:
a substantial article for men - representing a Master-class for men in how to become more appealing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html
Author: Odds
How often do people ask, 'what can I say on a date?" well here is the article you need
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/20-questions-to-ask-someone-on-a-date.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/real-love.html
Author AskEve
I am adding a new Article to the DEAR CUPID Hall of Fame.
It is about DATING TIPS and deserves to be here with the Best
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/first-date-tips.html
Although it started off as a question it is so good that the answers rate alongside the Best of the Best articles. Mark has made some great contributions herein. Re Dating tips.
You can find more great articles clustered here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/22--great-articles-from-great-aunts-and.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould I seek out a Dating Coach in order to improve my social-skills, conversation-skills that are essential, imperative for meeting women, talking to them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Honey, it is NEVER TOO LATE.
Remember this, ok?
And never give up. Remember this, too.
I am not sure if I already answered a question you posted before but my advice to you and I hope you take it is to join dance classes and take dance lessons. So many wonderful Latin dance programs and these are the ones I would especially recommend.
I am a dancer.
I can tell you that our classes are full of women. Not many men. And you can dance with women and have fun without all the pressure. This will help to build your ease with women and in turn your confidence will soar!
Trust me.
Start dancing and your life will change.
How simple a solution.
So many of these problems we have are created in our own minds. And we hang ourselves on them. And obsess. This is self defeating you know.
Change the thoughts in your head. Tell yourself good things. Just LET GO and RELAX. Be who you are. Be happy with who you are. Not all of us experience life the same way. There is no timetable. And there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I was a virgin until I got married at 27 yeas old. I never thought anything was wrong with me.
So get out there and DANCE! You will see how your world will change.
And I hope you come back here to post a follow up on how great a decision it was!
Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): you posted too many questions today!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will be honest, I would desperately rather have loved and lost than to never loved at all, so much that i'm strongly willing to risk having a girl cheat on me
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 March 2015):
I think that if you STOP being so focused on the "virginity" issue and JUST try and go out and GET TO KNOW women, NOT for the SAKE of losing that virginity but to BEFRIEND females, it's a start.
I'm an online gamer (not as much as I used to be) but I have meet MANY guys in your boat. My advice is to NOT go chase after the cheerleader type or the snotty girl at Starbucks, but find girls who SHARE your passions/hobby. Doesn't matter WHAT your hobby is, comics, gaming, golf, fishing, sports, or I don't know... taxidermy... THERE is a girl out there who enjoys the same things. If you belong to a forum for your hobby TALK to the other people there, guys AND girls. If any of them live near you maybe plan a meet-up.
Or try a dating site, that way you can TALK to a woman before meeting up which might make it a little easier.
You don't NEED success with women. YOU need SUCCESS with yourself.
So instead of living in FEAR of the big 3-0 - START living now. The ONLY thing holding you back? IS YOU.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 March 2015):
 Too late for what exactly??? Are you going to die because you are a virgin? Let's say you had sex...now what? You get rich? Get a big prize for being like all the men who had sex?Good sir...You are a brand new car. Never been driven, and you want to just let anyone drive it just to say "I was driven." Let the right woman take you for a drive, and keep driving you into your grave. Multiple partners does not make you more experience...it makes you a man whore...a typical man who thinks with his penis before using his brain. If you want to be a "typical" man...then off you go.Want to know what women like? Men who have not been all over the place having sex. Would you like to meet the love of your life and find out she has been with all the guys on a football team...NO. So if you wouldn't like that from any woman, then you don't do it.Women are very easy to talk to. They are human and most likely speak the same language you do. A simple "Hi my is", and off you go. Know what makes it hard to talk to women? Tell yourself women are hard to talk to. Get rid of all that negative crap, insecurities, and other foolish thinking. If you are so full of negative feelings and thoughts, when will you have room for love?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): Nope,it's FINE.
I underline that coz I think you won't believe me. You'll only believe the little voice in your head,saying:"Noooo,I can't do this... I can't talk to them."
Snap out of it.
If there is a girl you like-GO TALK to her. Seriously. None of us can do this for you.
If she says "no",big deal,move on,plenty of girls out there. At least if you TRY dating,you cant START learning (what works/what doesn't/your own boundaries/expectations in a relationship etc.)
If you NEVER TRY,you will NEVER know.
My guess is: you're scared of even trying... Find a way to manage and overcome your fears otherwise you'll never get far (not only in your love life..)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): It all depends on whether you're an ugly guy or not, if you are, you should use prostitutes for sexual gratification and give up trying. If you're decent looking, I'm sure a woman will end up kissing you drunkenly at a party one night and you can go from there.
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