A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If things are going great in a relationship, what is a reasonable amount of time to expect a marriage proposal? We are both in mid thirties, been together going on 2 years. When is it time to walk away in search of finding someone who will wanna get married sooner than later? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mcb66 +, writes (14 April 2013):
I agree that relationship goals should be discussed once 2 people decide to be in a serious monogamous relationship. It's not too late however. You can decide your goals to see if you 2 are on the same page. And establish a time line that you would like to be engaged and married. Marriage is not for everybody and this should always be determined this way no need for pressure and no need for disappointment.
A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (14 July 2012):
 They say that if you've been together 7 years and no proposal, it's time to move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): If your main aim in life is to get a ring on your finger then mention it from the start. I personaly would run a mile from someone who's desperate to be married.
...............................
A
female
reader, IamJess  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 You should probably talk to him about this, at the age where it seems reasonable to get married, and you've been together a while, but he might want to wait later, just talk about it to know whether its in his plans to get married or not.
If you don't ask you'll never know and never know where you stand, and if he's not wanting to get married then your waiting about for something that will never happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 If you are in a serious relationship with someone, you should be able to feel comfortable discussing these things. Why not either a) bring it up and talk to him about whether or not he plans on getting married in the future or b) ask him to marry you yourself?
There's no reason that he would be in favor of marrying you and then change his mind because you asked him or brought it up.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 July 2012):
There is nothing worse that being forced into a decision like marriage. The only time to get married is when both partners are 100% ready on their own terms.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2012):
 For me, I knew long before 2 years that I wanted to marry someone (granted my track record is not great)
I agree that discussing long term plans and goals (i.e. I want to get married one day in general) is a good idea early in a relationship once it gets serious. (not the first second or third date....)
IF you are thinking of marrying the guy you are with, then YOU need to bring it up. It's the 21st century... and women can ask a man to marry them as much as a man can ask a woman.
Yes it's scary to think that he will say no.... and then what... but if you HAVE TO GET married (for emotional needs not because you are pregnant) and he's not interested, it's better to know now.
OR if you are as committed as a married couple already and the only thing missing is the piece of paper... well then you have a choice to make. Personally for me if having children is not an issue (because I believe children's parents should be married for the most part) then I can see how not being married would still be ok... it would involve more paperwork and lawyers to protect each other as if you were married... but it can be done.
My dad lives with his partner... they have been together since January 1996... he will not marry her... not because he doesn't want to be with her or is not committed to her but because he believes you should only marry once and he was married to my mom and is widowed.... his partner knows she is his till the day one of them dies... and they live as husband and wife and I refer to her as my stepmom.
I on the other hand am a serial marriage kind of girl... I'm getting married in October for the 4th time (like I said my track record is not great).... and while I am as committed to my parter as if we were not married HE has never been married and he needs the security of that piece of paper to be happy. I have agreed to this because of how I feel about him....
So your partner may have the same thoughts you do but be afraid to bring them up... or he may not have any thoughts of marriage...
it's up to you to decide what you need/want from this relationship and take the necessary action.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (10 July 2012):
 There is no 'reasonable' amount of time. It's different for everyone and a highly personal choice. You're obviously thinking about it now when you haven't been together quite 2 years. For me personally that would be too soon.
You say everything's going great so why would you think about walking away? Many people aren't lucky enough to find a happy relationship in the first place! If marriage is so important to you that you'd walk away from someone you love and who treats you well all for the sake of not waiting for that piece of paper then you really should have had this conversation much sooner.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 This is actually something you should have asked early in the relationship: are you interested in marriage? Do you see yourself getting married one day?
Some people just don't want to marry.. ever. No matter how great the relationship is. Marriage isn't the goal for everyone. This is what you need to ASK your partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 I think if you are interested in marriage then talk with your partner about this to see what his thoughts are. If you are interested and he is not, or if you try to address this several times with him and he puts you off, then it is probably time to walk away. Some people grow accustomed to how the relationship is going and have no desire to get married. Others feel it is the next logical step in the relationship. I think when you feel that your needs no longer match his is also a big indication. When you feel you do not have the same priorities in the relationship and you do not feel the two of you are working towards something (marriage), then it is probably time to go. I think that is a very personal decision though. Only you will know if it reaches that point. Hopefully you talk with him and that is also what he wants.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Well in my opinion you should always talk to your partner at some point in the relationship to find out if they share the same values as you regarding the future - i.e. do they want marriage and children one day? Or is that something they are never going to be open to? If you dont find this out fairly early into the relationship then you often waste a lot of time with someone that actually is not compatible with you.
I appreciate it is a difficult conversation, and you dont want to make the guy feel like you a forcing him into an early marriage - so you simply have to word it so that you are talking clearly about the future and not the immediate present. I had this conversation with my boyfriend about 3 or 4 months into the relationship, we both want the same thing which is great so we can relax, carry on as normal and I know that one day in the future when he is ready he will propose and we will get married.
If you dont have these kinds of conversations you end up in the situation you find yourself in - you have been with a man for 2 years without even knowing if the relationship has a future.
So what you have to do now is what you should have done a long time ago - talk to him! See if he wants to get married one day, if he doesnt well then you have to decide if you want marriage more than you want this man.
You should never 'expect' a marriage proposal if you do not know how your partner feels about marriage. Therefore there is no right answer to your original question, the only answer we can give you is to talk to your partner and see what he wants from the future.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Is getting married more important to you than just being with him?
You could always just ask him and see what he says, you are going to leave him if he says no anyways, so I think you should just ask him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): I think if you are so in love with the thought of getting married, that it makes you think of walking out of a relationship to find someone who'll marry you, then the one you are leaving behind has had the lucky escape. Love does not make ultimatums.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Every person is different. Some get married in less than a year, and some take 5 years to do it.
Two years is understandable to be together without being married in my opinion, but I understand that at your point in life, you're ready to fulfill these goals for yourself.
So, it's a fine line between wanting to accomplish your goals, and wanting to let a relationship grow naturally. So here's what I suggest:
After 2 years, it's okay to find out what your boyfriend's view on marriage is. Is that a risky conversation? It can be, if it's not done right.
There are some questions you should take into account, if you don't know already the answers.
1. What is his experience with marriage? Has he been married and engaged before? Does he have any kids from previous marriages? If he was married before, how did it end and why?
2. Are/were his parents married? Were they ever married? Did they divorce? If so, how did it impact him? That is one of the biggest shapers of his view on marriage -- his parents' relationship with each other past and present.
3. If he doesn't already have kids, does he want them? No, you don't have to have kids to have a good marriage, but oftentimes to a guy, a desire to have a son or daughter often goes hand-in-hand with the whole desire for the mother of his kids to bear his name and his ring.
4. Do both of you have similar or different financial beliefs? This means -- are you both good at finances? Are you both savers/investors, or is one of you a spender? Do you know what your credit ratings are approximately? Not romantic of course, but crucial to making a marriage decision. Is he repairing past financial damage (a big hindrance to proposing marriage), or is he a real pennypincher (views a wife as trying to squander his hard-earned cash)? Is he generous with you and vice versa?
5. Are other goals in his life consuming him now that he could see marriage plans as getting in the way of them? Is he building a business, immersed in his career, very heavily into hobbies and travel? Would he see marriage as something where his freedom is restricted or lost?
I didn't mean for this to get long, but like I said, everyone is different. Bottom line, if this is more than just your impatience at being married, and you're really feeling like your relationship itself has stalled out, you have nothing to lose by opening the conversation. Take your time with it, feel him out, and find out what's holding him back. It could be as simple as trying to save up for the ring, or it could be as concerning as his not being sure you're the one OR he has a bad taste in his mouth at marriage or commitment altogether. You'll never know unless you talk about it, and truthfully, if you've been able to have sex for years, you can have this kind of conversation.
Just keep it low-key, avoid ultimatums, and even at first avoid what you're aiming at. The goal is to get him to talk, and then you can take that information, think it over, and then decide what you want to do based on what he reveals.
...............................
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (10 July 2012):
 The time frame is really subjective, depending on the people involved.
Have the two of you had any conversations about the future of your relationship? If not, then start there, find out where he thinks your relationship is headed, and where he would like it to go. I would say that after two years, an adult couple should know whether or not the person they are with is the one they want to settle down with.
It's very important for a couple to be on the same page when it comes to their future expectation for their relationship, so talk to him about it. Have the discussion and if it turns out that he isn't open to marriage, and marriage is really what you're looking for, then make your plans to move on.
...............................
|
