A
female
age
51-59,
*eejuliet
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 years, living together for 7, with no plans for marriage. That part is fine with me actually. I have 2 sons who are currently 15 and 18, so BF has pretty much raised them and is their Father figure. His 3 nephews have always lived in another state and he sees them once a year on average. They are fully grown and supporting themselves. My issue is one of a financial commitment. My BF has 2 life insurance policies. The $50K policy has me as the beneficiary. The $75k policy is to be split between his three nephews. He also has a stock portfolio and other assets worth several hundred thousand dollars. His will states that all his assets are to be divided between his three nephews. There is nothing being provided to my children whom he claims to love as his own. We are financially dependent on him and if he died tomorrow we would be financially devastated. I am not sure how I would pay the bills!! $50k is great, but it wont last long! I am not saying his nephews wouldn't be sad if he died or anything, but it would not affect their daily lives and it certainly would not affect their ability to put food on the table. I am hurt and angry that he has never considered making my children his heirs. I finally said something to him and he indicated that he has considered us by making me the beneficiary of the one policy. He said he would consider things changing his will, but didn't seem too keen on it. I realize he is not their legal Father, but I still think he should be worrying about their well being should something happen unexpectedly. I am so hurt and angry that I really don't know if I want to continue the relationship. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): You said you are fine with no marriage. Marriage is a legal partnership. Nothing more or less. It's a contract of duties and benefits.
When you say you don't want marriage you forgo all HIS assets. He could give them all to charity and you'd have no leg to stand on.
If you were both on the same page about not getting married then I'm sorry but you are now changing the boundaries. You fed and paid the bills out of your own generosity.
If he died you would be in the same position as if he left you. So really I don't see why he should pay for your sons.
He is your boyfriend. Your children came were extras. That's essentially what your arrangement amounts to. He isn't considered their next of kin on paper by BOTH your choices.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 May 2015):
 70,000 in the rears and he is not in jail? Does he work ( the father) if so you should AT LEAST get his tax return each year, but what I don't get is how he can be OUT and OWE that much.
Have you consulted with Child Support Services lately?
Still, what your ex owes or doesn't owe, has nothing to do with your BF's finances.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2015):
 Ten years together counts in my estimation as grounds to be considered his permanent partner.
Never accept verbal assurances in this situation.
Don't allow him to dismiss your concerns by telling you that it will be OK, or telling you that his nephews will take care of you. Rubbish. Far more likely is that the nephews will be lining up with their hands out as soon as your partner does pass away. Hopefully not in the near future.
For all intents and purposes you are his wife in practice except he has not taken the legal steps to make this so. Your situation is too vulnerable. Why has this not been raised earlier?
He is happy to live in your home, enjoy home cooked meals, enjoy the comfort of your home and the company you provide. And the home comforts he has enjoyed for ten years with you.
Of course he should be considering a legal document to better protect your position now and in the future.
Lay out all that you do pay out and ask if you and he can consider regularizing some things to provide you with more security in the future. I suspect that on the basis of how thing are right now that you don't have much left over to put towards your retirement. Yet in 20 or 25 years you may want to retire. And still live in a home with a reasonable standard of living. Without his help one has to ask, how?
Is there a reason why your partner may not have a valid Will?
Is there a reason why your partner of ten years may not be interested in marrying you?
And does he have some current health issues that are concerning you that may affect you and your sons and may impact on all of you in the future in respect to your financial security?
What if your partner becomes ill suddenly and you are forced to give up work and become his full time carer? Has he considered that such things happen all the time. A healthy man can fall off a ladder while pruning, fall to the ground and be injured such that he then needs lots of therapy and a carer to assist with everything you can imagine in order to look after the spouse who has serious recent medical issues as a result of the fall from a ladder.
It sounds like he is a well organised man with his fiscal affairs. Does he have a Financial Planner? Surely after ten years together his financial planner has suggested that he make a Will to make provision for his partner?
Next time he sees his financial planner ask if you can come along to listen and see if there are other things that your partner has forgotten to put in placed.
You and Your partner should be doing some disaster planning now. If he cares. Because death is not always the worst outcome. The worst outcome can be a catastrophic even that leaves a person on a ventilator in a hospital for months and such things do happen.
If you or your partner were stranded overseas on a holiday or were affected by some natural event such that one or both of you were unable to manage your own affairs then who would manage things on your behalf? Where would your sons go if they could not remain in the home you are now.
125000 would be gone in no time if you had to find money for hospital expenses, relocate and buy a new home.
What thought have you and your partner given to these issues.
If you and your partner faced some serious ongoing health issues that prevented your or your partner (or both of you) from working then how would you manage?
If things got to the point where you could not manage your own affairs for a period then who would take over the running of your financial affairs.
And is he a man who is very guarded and secretive about his financial affairs or is he able to discuss his financial situation with you?
Because after ten years of co-habiting I think it is time that you considered how you can broach this important subject.
You also should have a valid Will and in that Will make provision for what would happen to your 15 year old son. Who would look after him. You might say his older brother but becoming a parent to a 15 year old when the person doing the caring is only 3 years older is a big ask.
The reason I have not touched much on the insurance policies is that I think they are the least of your worries. What happens to the policies if he fails to pay the premiums? such things happen often as people age and forget to pay some form of insurance. Insurance companies love just cancelling such policies.
It would be better if he asked the Insurance company to pay the money to his estate when he dies and then let the executor distribute the money via his estate.
Do you know the name and address of his executor? Do you know where his will is kept? Is it up to date.
You are his partner of ten years.
You are not a second class citizen, except that the lack of a marriage certificate will impose some major problems on you if anything happened to you or him.
Start asking to be kept in the loop.
You are not being unreasonable. In fact you have been exceptionally tolerant and stoic about putting up with this situation for ten years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Thanks for the clarification. It's unfortunate that your children have a deadbeat absentee father and I give credit to your boyfriend for being a strong consistent male role model for them. However that doesn't change the reality that as things stand boyfriend enjoys all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities and so he is free to abandon his role as faux-husband and faux-stepfather at any moment with no further obligation to you or your sons, and as a mother it is your responsibility to ensure that your children's interests are protected in the event of any foreseeable contingency.If he is legitimately concerned about your children's long-term well-being then I suggest you consult a family law attorney to explore the possibility of second-parent adoption which would grant him the same parental rights without relieving the obligations of their bio-father. It would also give him the right to consent to emergency medical treatment in the event you were unreachable or incapacitated, among other benefits.That way your children would be his legal heirs and would be afforded legal protection should he leave you or die unexpectedly, and perhaps he could then be persuaded to amend his will so his sons and his nephews share equally in his estate.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (23 May 2015):
deejuliet is verified as being by the original poster of the question To Clarify: I do work. I work full time, and pay most of the household bills on my own. However, since he lives there, he pays for some of the bills as well and if he left, or died, I would be in a real pickle trying to pick up the slack as I am already working 50 hours a week. The children's Father is still alive and there is a court ordered child support order. However, he is a deadbeat and is currently about $70,000 in arrears.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (23 May 2015):
deejuliet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Clarify: I do work. I work full time, and pay most of the household bills on my own. However, since he lives there, he pays for some of the bills as well and if he left, or died, I would be in a real pickle trying to pick up the slack as I am already working 50 hours a week. The children's Father is still alive and there is a court ordered child support order. However, he is a deadbeat and is currently about $70,000 in arrears.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 May 2015):
 Unfortunately for your children, your boyfriend has the right to choose anyone he wishes as an heir and he is not alone in doing so. I've even heard of parents who worked hard for what they have, and want their children to do the same, leaving EVERYTHING to charity when they pass. People leave things to friends, pets, caretakers... you name it. Sadly petty squabbles over who gets what can and have ruined family relationships in irreparable ways. Please don't let that happen to your family.
What you believe is the issue here shines light on something else that most definitely IS an issue. Forget dying... you're not married to him, so if he LEFT you tomorrow you would be equally financially devastated - perhaps more so since you wouldn't even have the one life insurance payout to cover your bills while you found work. Since you were never married to him, there would be no legal footing to claim alimony, and since he didn't father your children he would likely not owe child support either.
Your sons are teenagers so I'm assuming they attend school? If it's financial security you're after, in your shoes I'd consider getting a part-time job during their school week and building some savings of your own. You can be honest with your boyfriend about why you're doing this - that you're genuinely worried about what would happen to you and your children if he passed away - and maybe he will reconsider the situation. But bear in mind he doesn't HAVE to, and he may resent the fact you have positioned this as a choice "between" your kids and his nephews.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): "We are financially dependent on him and if he died tomorrow we would be financially devastated.""I realize he is not their legal Father, I still think he should be worrying about their well being should something happen unexpectedly."You ARE their mother and you should have been worrying about their well being before you allowed yourself to become financially dependent on a person to whom you are not legally related without ensuring there were legal protections in place absent a certificate of marriage. And you're doubly negligent if your children's father is alive and you've never pursued an order of child support. He has the legal obligation to support them to the fullest extent of his ability to pay whether or not he chooses to be in their lives. Bottom line is since you aren't married then boyfriend has the right to dispose of his assets in any way he chooses because what's his is his. Perhaps he promised his sibling(s) or his parents that he would take care of his nephews long before you came into the picture; in any event as legal heirs his nephews would have a legal claim to his assets and as legal strangers (no relation by blood, marriage, or adoption) his live-in girlfriend's children would not. I would consult a family law attorney on the off-chance you may have some claim to his estate as a common-law wife given you've been cohabiting for seven years. Otherwise, not much you can do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2015):
I think IF you are so fine with NOT being married, you should be FINE with him giving his RELATIVES (nephews) the second life insurance and stocks/bonds/whatever. It doesn't matter HOW much the nephews make or have. That is actually besides the point.
I don't think he OWES your kids a dime. Yes, he has ALREADY spend considerable amount of money raising them THUS far. Which really should be PAID for (at least in part) by their biological dad. (Child support etc.)
Love has nothing to do with it.
You have BEEN together for 10 year/living so does your state see it as Common Law or not? NOT that it really matter, HE is free to choose who he gives his money to after his death.
Maybe YOU need to look into being able to take care of yourself & your kids JUST in case anything happened to him.
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