A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hell. What does everyone think about hooking up with someone you fancy if your primary relationship is a bit stale? Will it damage your primary relationship if you can just keep things physical? This is from a womans point of view or will it damage it beyond repair, even if i call it off, will i still think of the other? I think i can keep it secret and cope as my physical needs arent being met. Your views? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Do you have any idea why your sexual needs are not being met in your relationship? Is it a pysical problem or mental for your girlfriend in regards to sex? You will not be figuring out what needs fixing by shagging another woman, you will only be neglecting and making worse the current situation.
You should never treat someone else in a lesser manner than you, yourself would like to be treated. I.E. if your girlfriend didn't feel you were meeting her financial needs, would you want her to discuss it with you or go behind your back and have another man buying her expensive gifts?
If you can't work things out with your girlfriend, then break up and shag away to your hearts content.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): How would you feel if she wanted to cheat one the downlow, and she was asking this question?
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (5 July 2008):
no cheating is not the answer. The answer lies within yourself to get the spark back. In commited relationships over time the spark goes as you get comfortable with each other. Try something different. Think of an erotic fantasy and include your partner. Visit a sex shop. There is a great number of products. One I love is an attachment you put on your tongue to give him a vibrating oral orgasm. Brush up on the vixen within you and include him in it. You will definitely both benefit.
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A
male
reader, shikari424 +, writes (5 July 2008):
Personally...
I cheated on my ex a few times. We were very serious about eachother, marriage was discussed many times! The girls i got with were at parties and were very much one-off things and i'd never be seeing them or talking to them again.
And you know what, cheating on her never changed how i felt about her. All it did was make me feel better about myself, felt a bit more like i was living life as a teenager should (none of my friends were stuck in ltrs and were loving being able to get with anyone!), and in the end, all the happy energy went back to her. And no, she never found out. Unfortunately moving away to uni meant we ended breaking up, but we were damn strong before then.
So, maybe a little fling could make things better, i think this might have been the answer you were looking for :) but i would make sure the girls are ones which you'll never be likely to see ever again and you'll never have feelings for. I think that's vital. But then there is the whole moral question which goes with all this, so you decide which is more important
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A
female
reader, inyourdreams + ♥, writes (4 July 2008):
Look it's simple. You can't have it all in life without sacrifices. If you cheat, well, if you're caught it's obvious what's gonna happen - you'll lose your "primary" relationship. If you want sex break up with your partner and go have sex with someone else. You can't expect to have it everything your way. But it's your life and you know what you'll do, so yeah...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): I think from the answers, you have yours!!! I agree - what is the point on cheating! if you do not want to be with someone then don't. Most relationships as they progress lack in the physical department after awhile. But if you love the person you are with and trust them, then you can talk it through they will understand. Life is too short , otherwise if you don't love them, the best thing for both of you is to leave and let them find someone that will no matter what - trust me this is from experiance, I was with my ex for 10 years we never cheated on each other, but after trying to fix something we couldnt we amicabally split and are the best of friends. This only happened 6 months ago but at the end of the day you only live once - but it doesnt justify hurting someone. Hope this helps :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): You have addressed the issues in the relationship. Are you not in a position to suggest improvements in the relationship to your partner?
Communication is key if you want it to work!
As someone else said, you will struggle to keep it physical with the other person, it wont be a secret for very long and it will cause your primary relationship to deteriorate to none at all.
You either try make it work in the primary relationship or end the relationship before you hurt the girl. Its not fair to be disloyal to them.
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A
female
reader, Smiles  + ♥, writes (4 July 2008):
 Look if it is not working between you and your partner; why waste time "cheating"; have a good TALK; if you cannot resolve the problems and bring some "Spice" back into the relationship; be honest with each other; value and respect her; walk away with dignity rather then as a branded "Cheater";
You do have some moral issues about this; thus your question; DO THE RIGHT THING; BE HONEST WITH HER;
Yes, sure it will hurt her; yes she will cry and ask you to stay; BUT, do it the honest way; if you cannot spice things up; BREAK UP;
DONT CHEAT; the pain and remorse of that is far worse.
It NEVER stays a secret; you know that ....only FOOLS live in paradise, and YOU are not one of them;
to the HONOURABLE thing; have the TALK;
Yes, I know, it will be dificult; BUT, hey you are a MAN, not a coward;
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): do you want to stay with your current mate?
if yes, then I would advise against sleeping with someone else. not only will trust between you and your partner be damaged beyond repair, think about what it will do to the person you cheat on her with. What if she wants a relationship?
basically, it would be a very selfish choice to make that would hurt a lot of people. if you're bored with the relationship, try fixing it. if you just need more sex, watch some porn.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I find it always best to be a mirror when it comes to relations. Would you be okay with finding out your partner is seeing someone else? Even though your relationship is stale? The problem with secrets is, they always get discovered somehow. Maybe it would just be a change in your behavior at home. A good friend of mine used to cheat on her husband, in their bed, and she would say "deny till you die!" I would always raise my brows at her, because I knew at some point it would totally ruin her relationship with her husband. It did. He didnt find out, but the guilt was so heavy on her after a while, it effected her mood. She is now on anti-depressants, and has cut all connections with her lover(s). If your relationship is stale but you don't want to end it, I think it would be best to try and fix it, or make it more lively. Go on vacation, or try something new at home. Initiate something fun and exciting, make good memories with your partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): If you want to hook up with someone else, then why are you still in the relationship with your "primary" girl? Why dont you just call it quits?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (4 July 2008):
 I can't give you an answer that will cover everybody's thoughts on your problem. I will give you mine.
If I understand your post well, you are in a relationship but your physical needs are not met, so you want to have sex with someone else. That is, you want to maintain your relationship. To me, this suggests that you find the primary relationship hard to escape. At the same time, you have no hopes sex with your partner will improve, ever. So, you're stuck.
The easy opinion would be to say that you must not have anything to do with anybody else if you're in a relationship. That doesn't solve anything, however; it just lets the pressure increase.
I think you should really stop to think whether your primary relationship is worth keeping despite the problems with sex. If it is, then, if you have sex with the other guy, maybe your primary partner will find out and things will get complicated. Or, you will like your secondary partner so much that you will have greater problems with the primary one. Or, you will have problems if the secondary partner wants more than what you're willing to give. Or, all of the above.
Think what your best option is.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil + ♥, writes (4 July 2008):
 Your primary relationship will very soon become your secondary relationship, and believe me, it won't be a secret for very long. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to this sort of thing. You'll get careless and she'll find out sooner or later.
Far better to finish with one before starting the other - much less grief that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): you can dress it up as much as you like but its cheating
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): YES, it will damage your "primary" relationship. If you're not happy as you are, you have the following options:
1. tell your partner that you need to your needs for sex and thrills are met. Then work with her so that your needs are met-- go on trips to new places, try new things in sex, work out, whatever.
2. break up with your partner and have as many flings as you like.
Option number three, to cheat, is dishonest and selfish. This is not rocket science.
Option four, asking your partner if you can both take a break or have an open relationship, doesn't have a high chance of working. But it still beats being a cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Yes, it's wrong to do it, and yes it will damage your primary relationship because even if they never find out, you will know and it will affect your behaviour, even if it's subconciously. It's also not really solving the problems in your relationship, either, just distracting you from actually putting in the effort to fix them.
Instead of looking for excitement outside of a relationship look at ways to give it a "make-over". Speak to your partner about ways to improve things between you, and both of you should make an effort and keep that effort up. Try and look into ways to recapture a little romance and spice. The difference won't be apparent immediately, but given a little time and some effort thing may well start to improve. You should also consider some relationship counselling, but a third party is not the answer.
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