A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thank you in advance for your help. This is a bit wordy, but hopefully, the information will paint a more complete picture of what happened.-December 2013: began e-mail contact with a man who had similar interests; we got along very well.-Early February 2014: we began meeting weekly for dates and messaging constantly in between visits(limitations and expectations were discussed from the getgo, to make certain we both wanted the same thing; he agreed monogamous and exclusive was his goal).-February 2014: He tells me he is confident in his decision to pursue a relationship with me, and clarifies that we are together.(During the initial stages, I was a bit uncomfortable, as I prefer to build a strong friendship first and due to some comments he made about his previous relationship. Friends and family told me I was being too cautious and to be open to this relationship).-Late February through March 2014: we see each weekly and I meet his friends. We plan excursions, future projects, text constantly and get along very well. -End of March 2014: we both go out of town and do not see each other for two weeks. Upon return, we meet up. Things got too physical and I asked him if we could slow down and apologized for contributing. He agreed, but said no more hugging, cuddling, etc., but that he was not ending the relationship or calling it quits.-Early April 2014: He begins treating me differently. My friends/family told me I am too old-fashioned and need to do damage control.-April through June 2014: He distanced himself and only gave ambiguous answers when asked about the relationship. He flaked out on plans we made in March (for which I requested time off). We talked daily, but things felt different. We hung out every two weeks or so.-Beginning of July 2014: Tired of the ambiguity, I request to speak in person to move forward. I asked for clarification of our relationship and help with fixing it and he said he definitely wanted and would do those for me. His only complaint was the arguing that occurred due to his flaking out on plans.-End of July 2014: While I am out of town, he texts me lamenting that he always will be single due to his personality and need to be busy all the time. Up until this point, he never said nor indicated we were not together. Would have been nice to know!-August 2014: He began acting needy and we started hanging out weekly. He would make us dinner, grab a movie, and have our projects ready to work on. He began hugging and cuddling me again. I continue regarding him as a friend only.-September 2014: He continued dinner/movie night and helping me with projects. We also start going on the excursions he flaked on earlier in the year. He shares and celebrates his successes with me, and even starts buying food to meet my dietary restrictions. I still treat him as a friend, but allow hugging and non-sexual cuddling.-October 2014: Hanging out weekly or more. On two excursions, he flirted with me the entire time, as though we were a couple by putting his arm around me, pulling me close to him, keeping a close distance (so we always were touching), establishing territory, and being a model knight in shining armor. I rebuked his physical advances for the duration of both excursions and later asked him what he was doing, since we weren't a couple. His response was, "I was just being playful." Recently, a third party notified me that he has been seeing another woman since April 2014. They are not in a "relationship" due to his school/work schedule and her being married with children, however, they still sneak around to spend the night with each other. He often begs her to visit and says he will do anything to see her, and says similar stuff to me. In fact, he recently denied seeing anyone else, saying he wishes to live honestly and that he tells me everything. Yet, he's doing couple activities with me and also sneaking around and seeing her.I do not understand why he went to such great lengths, if I am not what he wanted. Until our projects are completed, I cannot cut ties with him. In the meantime, it makes me physically sick to be near him since he is such a dishonest and disgusting individual. -What did I do wrong (so I can avoid it in the future)? -Why would anyone treat another person this way and how do they justify their behavior?-Are there any tips for dealing with him until our projects are completed? -Should I tell the other woman and/or her husband? I fear the backlash, but I believe people have the right to know and make the decision to stay or leave.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 October 2014):
 I have to agree with YouWish here.
Why did he drag it out? Because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted a GF to have sex with (the married lady) and he wanted a GF whom he could bring home to "mom".
SOMETHING told you to put the brakes on, more than just birth control (which I agree is smart enough to consider being on, and having BEEN on a while).
From reading your post I don't really see you being into the guy at all, but maybe you just tried to make it a clear post on timeline.
HOW do you avoid this in the future? I'd say find a guy LOCALLY and try and have a relationship more organically. You have a "schedule" for a relationship. That made him put on the "let's get physical" brakes on. (the cheating with another woman is NOT your doing, that is him). I think this dude took your "I want to be friends first" literally. If you were "just" friends, he could date anyone he wanted too. (in his mind).
Waiting a while to get intimate is a good thing. BUT expecting friendship that grows INTO a relationship? That is like friendzoning a guy for "later".
What kind of project are we talking about? His that you were helping out with or yours?
I'd say if they are his, let him figure that out himself. YOU do not OWE him to help him with his school work. CUT the contact. Tell him to ask him married lover for help. Block him.
If the projects are yours, YOU talk to your professors/teacher and either ask for an extention or get your but in gear finishing it on your own. He doesn't OWE you squat either.
Unfortunately, you will run into men who DO NOT follow the same rules as you do, or as you want to. Instead of trying to make it work, I'd say toss them back in the pond and look elsewhere. And work on communicating WHAT you NEED/WANT. You said you wanted "friendship" first. But honestly that really CAN read as "I friendzone" you for later. I would suggest you reword that to I want to GET TO KNOW you BEFORE getting intimate. Which means NO sex, but we can still be affectionate. And then STICK to no overnighters and dates in public.
Should you tell the husband/wife - no. Simple because you are NOT the morality police and you only know of it from a 3rd party. Plus, you want to tell out of revenge. That is being petty. Instead BLOCK the guy and move on.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2014):
 If you knew this about him, why did you waste another second with him? That's what makes no sense to me. If he downed his ex by saying something like that, wouldn't that be a DEAL BREAKER? Why drag it out for 10-11 months?
And - if your one single hangup was him getting STD tested, and he refused within 3 months, why not call it off THEN? Why the whole "Where are we going" song and dance in July 2014? By then, you knew him 8 months. By then, you should have rid yourself of him long before that.
You can cut ties with him. Projects can be re-worked if you're a student. Just talk to your professors. Either way, your story isn't adding up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify: -We had only been in a relationship for 6 weeks and I was not comfortable having sex as we had no contraception or STD testing done.-He agreed to slow down, but said HIS conditions were no hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. That was not my rule.-When I asked him how we could be in a romantic relationship without those, he said, "Compromises must be made."-I then asked if he wanted to end the relationship and just be friends, and he said, "No," that we were just slowing down the sexual aspects of the relationship.-I do not expect a weird monogamous exclusive friendship, just an honest/monogamous partner in a romantic relationship. This is why I was upfront from the beginning.-I tried many things to fix things between us: bought him gifts, initiated nonsexual intimate contact, thanked him for his time and help, helped him monetarily, assisted with school/work responsibilities, helped when he had transportation issues, helped his friends, reminded him I enjoyed his company, etc., repeatedly.-I am low maintenance for relationships and am not romantic, so had no expectations of chivalrous knights saving me. However, he did misrepresent himself to me and continues to do so. He has been in charge and calling the shots since the beginning (exception of sex). I was willing to compromise on many things, but he often would say, "It's all or nothing," and became upset when I stood my ground.-This still does not explain why he just didn't break up with me, rather than leaving me in limbo. I would ask what we were and what he needed/wanted. He only mentioned that he didn't like arguing (and who does?). Only at the end of July did he say he was single.-The kicker? This person actually assigned days to women. So, I had a set day (or days) during which he allocated time to me and would not see the other women/woman and vice-versa. He is lying to and using at least two women (one of whom is married and has a family) for companionship reserved for couples. Yet he has the audacity to speak poorly of his ex (he repeatedly calls her "a cheating whore who should die of STDs") while sneaking around with women but saying he "only lives an honest life." I don't care if he does that, but not while he's flirting, making passes, and initiating romantic physical contact with me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 October 2014):
What did you expect when you clearly stated you treated him as a friend only? You got exactly that,a friend, not a boyfriend.
Also, you do seem to be pretty old fashioned and that's your right. But, I'm guessing it will make dating difficult for you. However at some point you'll find a guy who loves who you are and that's the goal.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2014):
Your timeline is very telling here.
You said that March of 2014, you put the brakes on any relationship, including kissing, hugging, everything. This is 5 months after you first started seeing each other.
He started seeing this other woman since April of 2014.
I see fault on both sides, to be honest. I'll start with you and then clarify HIS fault:
WHERE YOU WENT WRONG:
You can't have a simple friendship and expect that to be monogamous and exclusive.
Romantic relationships are emotional AND physical. I'm not talking about a guy who wants to get laid and then drop someone. You were both together for months..nearly a year...and you were rebuking being physical 4 months in...then 8 months in, 9 months in, and 10 months in.
If you regarded him as a friend only, then why are you hurt that he was seeing someone else? If you regarded him as friend only, why were you letting him buy things for you?? You wanted all the romantic gestures without responding in kind!
Getting physical 4 months in isn't "too fast". You rebuked him in March, and he started seeing someone else in April.
WHERE HE WENT WRONG:
He should have told you in April that he was seeing someone else. He was hedging his bets because he wasn't sure you were interested in anything more than friendship.
He should have been upfront in April, and moreso in August when you both started getting closer.
He should have been clear with you what he wanted in the relationship. You made this all on your terms, and instead of telling you it wasn't want he wanted, he held out in hopes that you would change your mind.
So, I think that he was hoping you would come around, and when you continuously treated him like a friend, he was done. You can't do that. If the tables were turned, it would be like you having sex with him constantly while he never made any romantic gestured or told you you were beautiful or made an effort. It's give and take.
You cared about romance, and he cared about being physical. It is a two-way-street. Physical IS very important in a relationship! Even when someone is waiting for marriage, physical affection is crucial...extremely crucial.
I don't see where you put in any effort beyond telling him what you wouldn't do.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 I don't think he put in much effort. He was just waiting for you to be ready and he's willing to wait because he's not confident himself about finding a new partner. Sneaking around behind your back doesn't mean you are not what he wanted. Perhaps you needed to clarify what being friends mean. For you, you need a strong friendship before considering a serious relationship. For him, he felt he could be friendzoned at the same time not very sure if long term is what you really want anymore. When he said he's going to be single forever, he already lost hope in you and was waiting for you to respond something like, no, I see potential in us and we are together. In theory, building a friendship first works but in reality very few people can keep that interest for long because there is no guarantee that a relationship would come after. It's like he is risking blue balls for months for the possibility of nothing in return. He lied and thinks that as long as he is not caught cheating no one would know. He should have the decency to be honest that he has no patience waiting for you instead of stringing you along and being a hypocrite. You should not tell the other woman or husband because you are just a friend. I think you should just let him be and look for someone who is patient like you or change your style in your next relationship. I think being chaste is a good quality but to expect someone to wait in limbo in the friendship area is a bit too much to ask for.
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