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If I'm a good kisser, how likely is it that I'll also be a good lover?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 September 2016) 12 Answers - (Newest, 21 September 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've made out with 5-6 girls and I think I'm a good kisser because I know women hate men who slober over them and I try to figure out what does it for them and try to make them feel good. I honestly think I get more enjoyment thinking I'm giving my partner a good time.

My question is does this apply to sex too? I am pretty comfortable with the human body and since I work in medical field I think I have an above average handle on female anatomy.

I am still a virgin though because of focusing on school, being too young when I was with my ex girlfriend, not having enough opportunities. So at 23 now I'm a bit shy about that and would rather not talk about it to anyone.

From what I hear sex is amazing and I would probably love it and to have it a lot.

If I am ready to put her first every time we have sex does this mean I can be a good lover? I know statistically I'm behind as a guy when it comes to sex and its embarassing.

I do watch porn from time to time but 99% of the type I watch is slower more romantic and more focused on the girl getting off. No jackhammer piledriver rough stuff. Most likely I wouldnt be too rough in bed unless I learned she liked that specifically.

So do I have potential or since I'm so late am I destined to be bad?

View related questions: ex girlfriend, kisser, my ex, porn, shy, still a virgin

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016):

I see what you mean. This might sound contradictory being a virgin but I want to have a lot of good sex in my lifetime and dont want to settle for less.

Given I wouldnt feel ok if I thought my girlfriend was tolerating sex with me because I'm new rsther than enjoying it. Dont want her to fake either.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntOP, sex is a road of discovery. One that you take WITH your partner. The better you know your partner outside of the bedroom, the better (most of the time) it will be IN the bedroom.

I know it might be hard, but TRY not to worry that you won't be good in bed. You are probably not going to be "Magic Mike" the first few times, and ANY GF with a bit of sense will be OK with that. Giving a good massage, back rub or even brushing her hair can be very sensual and a VERY good way to initiate intimacy.

For me, TRUE intimacy means KNOWING the other person really well.

Fearing you won't be good at it is pointless. No one is born being great at everything. And what WILL hold you back is that fear, not your lack of experience.

Do you drive? Have a driver's license?

If so, you HAD to LEARN how to do that, and ONLY by actually driving a car do you improve your skills as a driver. Same with sex. Same with just about anything.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016):

Honeypie, I guess being attentive would have helped him out.I guess deep down I knew that about players. I guess disappointing a future girlfriend is my fear.

I dont really have a sounding board for anxiety about the other sex because my friends all I assume I have had sex and can get it any time. Thabks for reiterating that all women are different. I'm going to do my best to figure out what makes any future lover tick.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think I have ever told a BF that he was a lousy lay (and yes my 3rd BF was NOT very good at all in the sack, he was predictable, uninspired and lazy. ) I never told him. When we broke up there was no point in bringing it up.

And yes I told him many times what I really liked and went out of my way to try things HE liked but he just didn't care.

Women don't COMPARE each lover with a little check-off list. Each person you (general you) are with is a new "combination". What worked with girl #1 might not work with girl #2 etc.

That is why ASKING what the other person really likes, taking the time to read their cues, moans, physical reaction is important.

And just because a guy can "pull" two girls in an evening doesn't mean he is good in the bed. Just that he is charming enough for the girls to give him a whirl. He might, in fact, be a lousy lay. That is why he is having a string of ONS and not a long term GF.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (19 September 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntI'm not sure if a good kisser will make someone a good lover. But I def know that a person's kiss will tell them a lot about how their sex preference, style, and endurance.

Ive met men who are gentle kissers, slow kisses and its light and sweet. They turned out to be so-so lovers and very much into the sweet lovey slow sex. But to each their own. I find that men who are great lip nibblers were great at oral sex.

However, my preference is rougher and my first love was my best lover by far. He used to shove his tongue down my throat and pull my hair and the kisses were long, rough and deep and hungry. The sex? Absolutely mind-blowing. I still miss him to this day

Just make sure the girl you like has similar taste, thats the most important part. And the virginity part isnt a big deal unless you make it one. Its not inexperience that is a turn off, but the inability and lack of enthusiasm to learn that really turns people off.

Good luck =)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016):

OP here, I guess it doesn't mean much then. I guess I wanted to believe I had some sort of inherent advantage over guys like some of my friends who I know have multiple one night stands and tell me they care more about what they get then what they give.

I don't assume that porn is real life sex. It's a big fear of mine that once I do have sex I don't measure up to expectations(not only sizewise) but how I am with her. I think it would be a fatal blow to an already battered self confidence when it comes to the opposite sex if she verbalized me being a bad lover or something along those lines.

I wouldn't want her to fake orgasms for me either. That would be worse.

I'm not a good womanizer and dont think I will be ever close to it. I figure every opportunity I have to have sex the best way to have a girl keep coming back is if I make sure shes priority so she leaves thinking I did my best to have her enjoy herself.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (19 September 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMy husband is the best kisser around.

He is the WORST lover I have ever had.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntFirst off, PORN is not sex. Get that in your head right away. What you see is NOT reality. It's fake. Even if it claims to me "amateur" or what not. Most of it is FAKE.

To be a good lover you have to KNOW your girl and what she likes. That WILL take time. To me, it seems like you presume that being a good kisser and watches "romantic porn" means that you will instantly a good lover. That may not be the case. It's like asking if you have neat handwriting will you be a successful writer.

EVERYONE - seriously EVERYONE is a little (or a lot) awkward the first time they have sex with someone new. Even if you have known them a while before getting to the sex part. IT'S natural.

Wanting to please is great. My best advice to you? USE your hands, WATCH her for cues. PAY attention to her. ASK her what she REALLY likes. If you can't TALK about sex... maybe you aren't as ready to HAVE sex as you think.

I agree with Andie, being a virgin makes NO difference in how well you will/can please a woman. It's ONLY an obstacle in YOUR head. So let that notion go. You don't HAVE to tell her that you are a virgin because she may NOT care about that, she will be caring about YOU. She will want to PLEASE you too. That is what sex is about MUTUAL pleasure. Not some social construct like "virginity" which only really means inexperienced.

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A female reader, SydneySidney United States +, writes (19 September 2016):

I think the fact that you care about the woman's experience and are willing to listen to her feedback and adjust means you'll be a good lover. Probably not the first time, that's nearly impossible. But soon enough.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (19 September 2016):

janniepeg agony auntI think a lot of women would like a pleaser, meaning that you think of their pleasure as priority. However, some women like dominant men who instruct them what to do. Some women want to skip foreplay and just go straight into long sessions. So there is no one size fits all answer here. It depends on who you meet and what her preference is. Finding the right fit, down there too, is important.

Of course I want you to remain optimistic. But from my experience (20+ men), there is not much correlation between good kisser and good lover. There is also no correlation between when a person starts sex and how good his ability is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016):

So sweet!! You'll be tots fine!!! Enthusiasm equals orgasm lol!!! You'll be great!!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntUgh; I hate that peer pressure makes people feel less than if they're inexperienced!

OP, ignore the fact that you're a virgin and don't think about what sex will be like - just take it as it comes and focusing on her pleasure, as well as your own, will always be a winner.

I think it would help everyone to forget any negative thoughts about the fact that they're a virgin, after 20. It's not important, in the sense of how others view you. If you think about it, you'll find it will subconsciously affect how you are with people, especially potential dates.

Relax. Don't think about having sex, until you've met someone you trust and mutually want to take it to the next step.

Being a virgin is only a hurdle if you make it one.

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