A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really hope someone can help me to understand why im feeling like this. I had a pretty bad relationship a couple of years ago, we started off as friends and things got off to a great start and were pretty perfect for the first year but then something changed and we argued non stop, it was disastrous for the last 18 months and we both said and did some really bad things. I'm now in a new relationship and am absolutely head over heels with this man. He is perfect for me and I truly love him. We've been together just over 8 months. So last week I drove past the ex, first time I've seen him since we split and it got me thinking about him. I don't miss the relationship at all but I realised that I do miss having him in my life, maybe because we were friends first, maybe that's what I miss. Anyway, two days later I had a call from him and he basically said he'd been thinking the same as I had, that he didn't miss the relationship but he does miss me. We stayed on the phone a while and he told me he hasn't moved on, he's spoken to a couple of women but he meant what he said when we were together, that I was the first person he really loved and he didn't think he'd ever feel for anyone else the way he does for me, so he didn't continue speaking to anyone because he felt that they didn't match up. He got tearful and said he'd do absolutely anything to turn back the clock and right all the wrongs. I said it was silly to think like that. I told him I'd found it hard to move on but that I felt it was the right thing to do as I didn't want to be stuck in a rut forever as we had been. He understood but said he'll never stop wanting me and he'll forever be waiting for the call to say I want to try again. We ended the call and I wished him well but now it's got me thinking. If I wasn't in this new relationship I would give things another go with him, without a doubt. But I am in this relationship which I thought I was stupidly happy in. If I was as happy as I thought, would I be wondering all the what ifs about my ex? It's messed my head up and confused me so much. I feel awful for my boyfriend for feeling the way I do even though im still head over heels for him and most certainly won't consider splitting up with him. Why do I still feel like this about my ex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): Don't pay any attention to all that stuff he said. Don't get caught up in the should-have, would-have, could-have game; that so many exes put people through. Usually when they've had a bad run of things long after a breakup.
Regret only comes afterwards; never "during" the time of the issues, that culminates in a breakup. The time to think and be concerned is when it's all happening; to prevent the breakup. If you couldn't resolve it then, don't go back now.
The odds are, the result would be the same; if you had it to do all over again.
Hindsight is 20-20. Loneliness is his karma, and he probably did all the same things as before. He either hasn't changed, or has gotten worse. Sentiment can be a powerful thing; but there is a point you have to realize you have to stand behind your decisions and not go backwards.
He was reminiscing and feeling sentimental. Probably alcohol-induced. Mainly he's hoping he'd paralyze you into the same crappy rut he's in. Telling you all that nonsense of never getting over you is a lot of bullsh*t; and it's only to tempt you into an affair, or meant to weaken what you've found with someone else. He's testing you, and how good your relationship really is. He'd love knowing you couldn't do better.
You know only what he was in the past. He doesn't have anyone now, and there's a reason for it. Look back at why you broke-up in the first place; and those reasons have probably never changed since. Be happy with the man you now have in your life, and don't look back. The time to have appreciated you, was when he had you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 November 2015):
 Because you have a kind nature and hate the thought that you don't give people second chances. It felt cruel to you. What your boyfriend said triggered your protective nature and it felt awful you can't give your love to him. You have to let your ex fade in your mind. I think you drove past your ex to confirm that he still had feelings for you. You never knew what he was thinking before that. Maybe he had suppressed everything he thought about you but seeing you made his feelings emerge to the surface. Look at this as closure, not confusion. The classic wrong timing theme with exes.
Your ex will do fine. It is very flattering to hear that a man will always love you no matter what. This is very easy to say but to deliver it in action is much more difficult. It's easier to claim undying love, and to romanticize what you can't have. Now to transfer your kindness to your new man. Realize that he could have the same vulnerable feelings and has the potential to love you forever. Imagine him the one crying and that he's the one you have to protect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): Do you think he would be still as interested if you were not in a new relationship. Its a bit like when people are attracted to married people, because they are out of bounds, they become more attractive compared to a single person. think about it. I'm in a similar situation and keep reminding myself how he hurt me back then I'm not too happy in my current relationship either. Its a hard decision. Keep him as a friend but don't keep leading him on if you have no intentions, that's cruel and dangerous.
Good luck!
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