New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

If I start dating someone else, should I inform my FWB after a few dates, or should I wait for sexual intercourse to take place before performing my notification duty?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends with Benefits<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2014) 13 Answers - (Newest, 6 June 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have a bit of a dilemma: I'm in my late 40s, and I have a lady friend in her mid 50s. We are what I believe is called these days "friends with benefits", i.e., I have my manly needs, she has her womanly needs, and once a week we get together to sate them, but we also have cordial relations. But we have both agreed that this is not "it", we are not in love, but would like to find romance. To this end we have agreed that should one of us meet someone else and have intercourse, we will inform the second party to the agreement, and we will terminate our sexual relations forthwith(whilst hopefully maintaining our friendship).

If I start dating someone else, should I inform my fwb after a few dates, or should I wait for sexual intercourse to take place before performing my notification duty? Strictly speaking sexual intercourse is the only condition to trigger the duty to report according to the letter of our agreement, but it still seems a bit cheaty to be wining and dining another woman "behind her back" as it were.

I've never had a fwb relationship before, I've always been deeply involved emotionally with my partners, and I wonder whether I'm not applying the wrong kind of rules to this relationship.

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2014):

oldbag agony auntGood luck to you, if your both happy to continue then alls well!

Don't write off dating though as we never know who is round the corner, you may meet somebody whilst on a city break.

Or you may continue with your friend until your 90.

Its all about companionship.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Last update here. I've had a couple of dates, and they were pretty awful. And then it occurred to me that really I don't need or want anything more than my relationship with my FWB. She's great company, we can share the things we enjoy doing together, but we don't feel obliged to do things together just because "that's what couples do", and we enjoy our freedom so much that we don't want to live together or even take holidays together (I'm more of a cities kind of guy, whereas she prefers the mountains).

Maybe this is the 50+ version of love, where you just feel comfortable with each other.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntOP, you're not ancient, of course there's still the possibility for love. There's nothing wrong with dating, but I'd just make sure your FWB knows that's what you're doing so she can decide whether she wants to hang around under the change of circumstances. She might be perfectly fine with it (up to a point where you meet someone else) or she might decide she's not comfortable. Let her decide. If she's not comfortable with the idea, you then have to decide whether or not you want to risk losing her friendship + sex. Just be transparent with her.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo are you going to discuss this with her, as she is the one who would know what she would like? The 'contract' is between you and her. Or is this question evolving into one about the emptiness of life without love? Or

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Look, I haven't got a specific new woman in mind. A friend of mine recently told me that over the past couple of years she had been on over thirty dates with guys from dating sites, and although many of them were very nice, she didn't find one who she felt like getting into a relationship with. I'm just a bit worried that if I drop my FWB pre-emptively, I'm going to spend the next few years going on dates with some very nice women who just turn out to be friends.

And in any case, I'm really beginning to wonder if it is possible for me to fall in love again at my age. It's been so many decades since I felt it, that I often get the feeling that the best I can expect at my age is sex and friendship. It's a bit sad really because I used to enjoy the feeling of being in love - life seems a bit flat without it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

celtic_tiger agony auntIf I was the new woman I would not be impressed if I found out you had only stopped sleeping with your FWB AFTER we had first had sex. It sounds as if you want to be able to have your cake and eat or hedge your bets in case the new GF isn't a keeper in the bedroom department.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust you not to be sleeping with the FWB whilst we were in a relationship.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI think personally that you should let her know that there is someone you are interested in and therefore it's time for you two to stop scratching your respective itches until you can determine what's going on with the new woman.

Personally I think out of respect for the new potential romantic relationship it would be in your best interest to STOP sleeping with your FWB.... after all you are trying to woo a new woman and you need to save your strength for all of that.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (23 April 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhy not simply ask your friend what she would prefer? Did you promise that you not date other women?

You should decide what your preference would be as well, as that will no doubt be part of the discussion.

I don't see why this is so difficult to figure out. Just ask the other party of this 'contract.'

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntYou have a conscience and want to do things correctly. It's refreshing.

Since you are on good terms with this lady, perhaps you could tell her that you are actively dating other women (though this is implied if you have told each other you are looking for romance). Ask her if she'd prefer to know at the point when you are dating someone promising (so after a few dates), or at the point when you take it to the next level with said person.

What I would find tricky is this: if you are dating someone, and it's going well but the new lady wants to wait a few months before having sex, will you still see your FWB during that time?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Your new gf might see very good reason for you to cut contact with your ex FWB, out of respect to her ( the gf ) , but that's another story :).

I stand by my advice. I think you can stick to the literal terms of your agreement. Do you mean that your FWB could feel " used " for sex ? since you'd have sex with her, but wine and dine other ladies ?... If she is a real FWB, really with you JUST to fulfill her sexual needs , she won't give a .... what you do with whom , once you are out of her bed. If she , as, alas, many many women, SAYS that she's fine with casual sex only ,but in fact just settles for it atm, in the vague hope it may get to be more, well yes, her pride or feelings will be hurt. Then again, she is a grown up woman, she should know better - FWBs are for the thick skinned only.

And I still think that, if this bothers you, and you are in such cordial terms, you could frankly talk about this , as friends, and what's the best course of action. If you are friends ( regardless of the benefits ) why being all secretive , why not being honest about your issues ?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I do sound a bit like a lawyer, don’t I? It’s an occupational hazard because I'm a translator and spend all day up to my eyeballs in contracts and insurance policies.

The reason I was asking about the dating thing was this: unless I find a woman who I feel confident that I want a long-term relationship with, I'm not going to sleep with her. I don't need to. But it might take a few dates before I can come to that conclusion. So I might date lots of women without sleeping with any of them. I was just thinking that until that moment comes along (if it ever does), it might be best not to mention it to my fwb. That's the way I interpret our agreement, but the problem is my own ideas of what is appropriate in regular romantic relationships keep getting in the way.

I certainly don't want to vanish out of her life. She's a great friend, and very mature in her attitudes towards relationships. I met her at her birthday party, to which she had invited her ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend, and she doesn't see any reason to cut off contact with someone just because you stop sleeping with them.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2014):

oldbag agony auntYou sound like a lawyer!

I would just let the FWB know your now dating and won't be 'available' anymore. You don't have to, but it's an adult thing to do, rather than just cut all contact and vanish.

That way your being fair to the new woman and FWB, treating both with respect.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I think it would be fine taking your agreement literally: there's really no " behind her back " because as FWB only there's no committment nor exclusivity ,you can do whatever you want with other women whenever you want.

It's nice of you, though, to want to avoid any possible hard feelings or misunderstandings with your FWB and part ways in excellent terms, so just to be on the safe side, why don't you ask her what she would prefer. " If I start dating somebody, as you know that I intend to do , would you prefer to know it right away, or only if and when I have become intimate with her ? "...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "If I start dating someone else, should I inform my FWB after a few dates, or should I wait for sexual intercourse to take place before performing my notification duty?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312892000001739!