A
female
age
36-40,
*abyghost
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been going through a load of issues and i dont know what to do anymore.im nervous around him as i dont totally feel 100% safe anymore which sounds horrid i know. He wrestled my phone off me, has chucked me and my stuff out of his house and when he has got mad he hit the wall and im not 100% sure it wont escalate. He is trying to keep calm now and talking calm and when we do argue he is keeping sat down and arms in but one thing that has come to light is that he doesnt trust me and is jealous of my male friends.when we started going out i used to talk to my ex and any other mates who text me whilst i was with him male and female, so i know the mistake i made there. But since then i stopped talking to my ex to make him happy and i stopped talking to my male mates for a time being (have started again). He says the only way for him to get over the jealsoy and trust is for me to be lovy dovey with him, be passonate (which i have lost due to other issues between us), stop at his - even though im scared, turn up randomly, text him constantly and text i love you prob about every 3 texts and to show him my phone when he wants. last night my mum rang and left a message and he wanted to hear it as he didnt believe me.if i do all he wants even if im not in the mood will this make things any better?
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I love you, in the mood, jealous, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
 he is trying to scare you into staying. he knows that he is not the only one who will care about you and show you interest, he is more scared of it ending than you are coz he needs you more than you need him, as he's a clingy mess and you are good to him, but he is not good to you!
you seem to be making excuses for him, and if you don't stop doing that you are going to talk yourself into staying aren't you?
make a list of his good and bad points and use it to decide if you really even want to stay. if / when you leave him, read the list to yourself whenever you feel doubtful that you have done the right thing.
things are not gonna get better unless he gets help for his issues. take yourself out of the situation while he does this though (if he even agrees to therapy). if he cares as much as he says he does, he will understand and accept that he should leave you along until he is cured.
reacquaint yourself with your friends and family, people that love you selflessly and not only when you are dancing to their tune, like this bloke does. plan nice times with them, give yourself nice things to look forward to. get back into the real world babyghost and one day you will find yourself amazed that you tolerated his behaviour towards you
xx
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2011):
Tell your friends and family that you're ending it. That way you have as much support as possible, and people who you can rely on to come get you out. Then pack your bags, tell him it's over and walk.
That's all you have to do, and whilst it'll be hard, it won't be as hard as it seems if you have support.
As for missing him, you won't. That's just another control freak thing.
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A
female
reader, babyghost +, writes (19 January 2011):
babyghost is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont know how to end it. he keeps saying he will go back home and i will miss the friend he was.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2011):
I read your reply:
Everything this man does that's nice is an act to hid the anger that's just waiting to explode underneath. You must get away from him.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
its your call at the end of the day, but from what you say in your update it just seems like you are making excuses for him and he is doing a good job at getting you round to his way of thinking. that's what manipulating is. just read your original post back to yourself....
supposing that had been sent to dear cupid by me instead.. what advice would you give to me??
the things that have raised alarm for me is
'he wrestled the phone off me'
you don't feel safe and you are nervous. the right partner would be the one person who makes you feel safer than anyone
else
he hit the wall
i am not sure it won't escalate
he's 'trying' to keep calm - why on earth shouldn't he be calm? you have done nowt wrong!
ordering you to be lovey dovey and passionate even though you do not feel like that towards him any more coz the feelings he is making you have is 'scared and nervous'
demanding you sleep at his even though it is not what you want to do
give him sex whenever he wants it to give him confidence (what about YOUR confidence????)
TELLING you to text that you love him and telling you HOW MANY TIMES A DAY he wants this
demanding to hear your phone message from your mum! because he didn't believe you!
baby, wake up to what is going on! his mates hate you and say that he would never be bad to you? what do YOUR mates tell you??
he has got ISSUES and i sort of feel sorry for him, he must be miserable in his own head BUT he would be better getting professional help. he can drag you down with him if he wants and if you want to let him BUT his problems will be still there
xx
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A
female
reader, babyghost +, writes (18 January 2011):
babyghost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe was nice at the weekend tho, and has been trying to keep calm. only bump we have had is the fact that i said i wont stay through the week as i dont feel 100% ok. he does seem truely destraught that he scared me and is trying. I just dont like the fact he is pushing meto try and stay nights becasue he says that is what he needs, that and the making love to get is confidence back.
is it just an act? all his mates hate me and say that i should know that he never would do anything like that. i honestly have no idea if maybe i was over reacting anymore.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
hi
jealous + controlling + angry = potential woman beater
and you know it. i cannot believe the rules he is trying to lay down. he has isolated you from friends already, but because it is male friends, this is ok??? it won't stop there you know, sooner or later he will ban you from your female friends too because he will be afraid of you going out with them, he will see a girls night out as nothing but an opportunity for you to cheat on him. and when he has managed to isolate you from everyone, he will be in an even stronger position because you will have no support network anymore. no one to talk to about it, only his opinions to go judge things by.
he has got you blaming yourself already, you think yuo have done wrong by having male friends that text you. and i do believe that these are only friends, because if they were anything more to you, i don't think you would have sat texting them while sat with him.
you have noticed the red flags already so i cannot understand why you would even contemplate bowing down to his wishes in the hope it will make him treat you like a worthwhile person. say you do stay and do what he wants? do you think that will make him happy? i don't, i think there will always be something more he can think of that he will demand you do, in order to prove that you love him and that it is worth him loving you.
i have been with a jealous man myself and i can tell you this, the behaviour in the early days were we think the man must really love us because they are clingy and they seem to think we are irresistible to every other guy? you know that thought right? well it is NOT love, not love how love should be anyway. if these men had any real love or respect for us they would not want to risk scaring us away with behaviour like this.
i suggest get as far away from him as you possibly can. don't be scared. you will get over him soon enough, if you stay you are facing years of mental, verbal and likely physical abuse. and please for gods sake don't get pregnant, even if he begs you and promises that a baby with you will change him.
if he offers to go for therapy for this and i mean THERAPY not COUNSELLING, even then: do not stay with him. do not even think about going back until he is CURED ok?
xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2011):
You get down on your knees and beg, and he would still treat you like dirt.
You need to understand that the problem here is not you. It had nothing to do with you. You talking to men is not a problem. You leading your own life is not a problem.
Your problem here is your boyfriend. He is controlling, he is manipulative, and he is dangerously violent. You're right! Today it's the wall, tomorrow it will be you.
This guy is a needy, jealous, dreadful loser. What he wants is total control over you. He wants to be able to hurt you, to manipulate you, to make you scared. He wants to do it because he enjoys the power and the feeling he has of knowing you'll do anything he says.
You could do everything he asks, and he'd still not be happy. I guarantee you that if you started to turn up randomly and text all the time, he'd then tell you not to and he'd be cruel again.
Do not risk staying with this guy. Your whole life is on the block with him.
Also, I'd suggest seriously looking at your own confidence, because it takes a very underconfident person to remain with a man who treats them this badly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Hon, your boyfriend sounds just like my husband. And I've been married 10 years and we've been together for 15 years.
So I can answer your question: NO if you do everything he wants even when it's against your will, it most certainly will not make things better. It will preserve peace and calm in the short-term (like right in the moment) but it is setting yourself up for a unending cycle of having to do it again and again and soon you will be trapped.
I know what you mean about not feeling safe, I really do. However giving into everything he wants, against your will, will only INCREASE your feelings of not being safe because (a) you know you are being coerced, and that doesn't feel very nice and depending on how far it goes you can feel like your personal boundaries are being violated (b) if you give in, it rewards him for pressuring you because he got what he wanted, so he's only going to keep pressuring and coercing you even more and you will have to keep on giving in. So giving in will not make him lessen his behavior, it will only reward him for it and make him do it more often.
Yet if you don't do what he wants and he acts out in anger and scares you or hurts you (emotionally or physically), you will also feel increasingly unsafe around him.
You are in a no-win situation.
I tried for years to deal with it and being married it's not so easy to just leave, but ultimately what it boils down to is that he must change (but you can't make him, he has to want to change on his own). Or you must stop giving into him to preserve your dignity and maybe he will change if he's no longer succeeding in controlling you. Or he may leave you, you have to accept that fact. Or things may get so ugly that you end up leaving him after a lot of pain.
But truth is that if he does not change, you have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth staying in.
we're finally in couples counseling after 10 years of me feeling unsafe trying to make my husband happy against my will. And even now in couples counseling he's not changing, and I'm not changing so I may still divorce him at some point.
Don't become me. do something about your relationship now when it's still early and if you can't, then cut your losses and leave the relationship now before you've wasted years of your life in misery trying to make someone happy whom you don't feel safe around.
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A
female
reader, Saamm  +, writes (17 January 2011):
if there is no trust there is no LOVE!!!! and no sex will not make anything better because in order to have sex there has to be true love!
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (17 January 2011):
I agree with kenny. And also, the more you do and the more you change the more he will make demands on you because he knows you will do what he wants.If i were you i would walk away.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (17 January 2011):
 No - you'll sacrifice your self-respect if you do what he wants because he wants you to and not because you truly wanted to do it.
Furthermore - he's abusive and dangerous from what you've told us here. Leave now. If you stay, his insecurities and abuse are going to begin to suppress who you are as a person and your wants and his needs at the very least & you could become physically hurt and emotionally paralyzed at worst.
You need to go & he needs counseling. (sorry for being short and blunt)
You have to love yourself more than you want to just make him happy. And if you do love yourself that much, then the choice will be clear that it's time for you to leave this guy - he's way too unstable.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (17 January 2011):
 The basis of a good relationship is built around trust, a relationship with no trust is like building a house without digging the foundations, sooner or later it will collapse. Due to some of his violent tendencies you have also got fear there as well. So all in all in this relationship we have got no trust, and fear, probally the worst possibe two ingredients you can have in any relationship.
You should not have to do all these things to make him happy, you really shoulden't. He has got to come to terms with the fact that he has got the problem here, not you. He is ultimately trying to find relief for himself by getting you to all these things, but you never find relief by trying to change others, he has got to change himself. I reckon that alot of girls would have walked away from this ages ago- i feel that if this goes on then maybe that might be your best option.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Sounds very familiar to me... Yes it will help. It will keep him happy as long as you keep doing it. But i can tell YOU will not be happy after a while. You will be annoyed and feeling obligated to make sure he is happy. You will then be asking "what about me?" i did that stuff for years to keep my man with me and my life peaceful but lately ive gotten sick of it and our fights escalate like never before. I have resent inside of me and sadness. relationships should go together, we should not have to MAKE our parteners happy. We should all be happy just being ourselfs and being together. If you have to MAKE someone happy its not working out.You are in charge of your own happiness. He cannot make you happy and you cannot make him happy. I wouldnt try. If the relationship has history i bet you wont leave, but I would sugesst leaving while you can. Or you are going to be stuck in this cycle forever just like I am.
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