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female
age
51-59,
*izBeth
writes:I thin that the title to my question really say it all, the rest of this is background.While my husband has never come out and said it in a complete sentence, he does not find me physically attractive. He says that our sexual relationship, for him, is about an emotional connection and about being close to me that way. Okay, that's great and really, a pretty evolved way of thinking. What I don't get is this: then how is he getting physically aroused enough to have sex with me? I can't figure it out and can only conclude that he's thinking of someone else (only in a physical/lustful way) at least at the beginning, so that he can have sex with me. I'm hoping that men will read and answer this question, because they may have some insight for me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I'm a male and I wanted to give you my opinion based on some relationships that I've been in. Men are wired differently than women pertaining to sexual arousal. We don't have to be visually stimulated in order to be sexually aroused. If a man is horny and he's accepted that, although his woman isn't physically appealing to him, he's still horny then guess what? He'll be able to achieve an erection because he knows that sex feels good to his penis. Just because he's able to get hard doesn't mean that he has to fantasize about other women to do so. I just thought it might be nice to allow you to see if from that perspective.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2011):
 All I've got for you is that you stop trying to puzzle it out. Take that notorious "leap of faith" and trust that he wants to be with you. He demonstrates this by being with you. To dissect his desire/lack of desire into its finite bits is to lose some of the mystery and the joy of physical intimacy. He wants you, as you are, warts and wrinkles and all. If you are indeed as vile and ugly as you seem to think, make every precious minute with him count, because he'll be leaving soon.
Just breathe.
Good luck, I do wish you good mental health.
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reader, LizBeth +, writes (25 March 2011):
LizBeth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, just to put one thing to rest, I have been in counseling on and off for the last 20 years, 4 different therapists and I get to a point where I hit this roadblock about how I look and they have no answers. (Sorry about the run-on sentence.) I guess I should say they have no strategies for me to accept how I look. Self-affirmations are crap, imho, and while I've lost almost all the weight that I need to, my face is not now, nor has it ever been, pretty. Or even marginally pleasing. Please, I'm not being mean about myself, I'm telling the truth. And no amount of make-up, standing up straight, blah blah blah has ever changed that. So yes, I'm QUITE aware that I have a self-esteem issue. As for me knowing that he doesn't find me physically attractive, how about this sentence, "I don't date people for how they look. If I did, I wouldn't be with you." I think that's pretty telling. As well, I've received exactly 2 compliments about how I look and both of those were in regard to an outfit, not in regard to me. It could have been on a mannequin and he still would have liked it. To The Walkin_Dude, you're right, I didn't say that in my original post, and I apologize for the omission. To Jonas - Yes, I do know what he prefers. Tall (I'm 5'1"), long legs (i have a 28" inseam), not much concern about breasts (I'm 36DD) dark eyes (mine are blue), dark hair (I'm currently a red-head and wouldn't look too good with dark brown hair). He claims that changes from time to time, but that's the basic profile.I do not think men are all shallow. In particular I don't find my husband to be shallow. I am trying to puzzle this out. Trying to figure out what is going on in his mind that he is able to be with me physically and not think of someone else. PART, not all, not even the majority, but PART, of my attraction to him is physical and I can't help but think that it is part of what turns me on about him. Yes, of course a greater part is love and emotions. The fact that I am attracted to him in that lustful kind of way is part of it too. I asked once if that was part of his attraction to me and he said "once in a great while," and then went into "it's about emotional connection."Please know that I'm not dissing this connection. I'm trying to understand how it's possible to not be physically attracted to someone in any way and still want to have sex with them. Which is where I come back to the idea of him fantasizing about someone else. I don't doubt his love, I just don't understand.Oh, and no, there's no rape, abuse, neglect, etc. Not for me, and not for him that he has ever talked about. I don't see any signs of this in his family either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I posted before on my wife's experience with this.Stuff can really mess with your mind, "devastatingly handsome" was an awful thing for her, she overheard two women talking about me when I wasn't around and they didn't know she was my wife. That was nearly 10 years ago, she told me and I thought it was just funny, and joked about it off and on...little did I realize that she thought the same thing and felt that she was not measuring up. Hell, I thought I was lucky to have her.Counseling is where you need to go, people don't think like this unless something has happened to make them feel this way about themselves.You don't go to counseling though and say "You make me feel this way.". You have to go and say "I feel this way, and I want to know why?".Feelings are not reality, they are "feelings". Reality can be very different from what we feel it is.Tisha-1 is on target. from my experience, and from what I've learned about others experiences as well. Get help, professional help, and figure this out. You may find that your husband doesn't like you and you will need to move on in life, sad but true. You may find that your husband is madly in love with you but keeps feeling like there are invisible walls that he can't get past. I finally had to tell my wife in tears (me, all 200 pounds and six feet of devastatingly handsome, in tears) "Why won't you talk to me, I practically worship the ground you walk on?""Isn't it sad that you had to go to counselling to really open up to each other." Yes, it is sad, but sadder still is that most couples don't survive that long, and many more don't survive the counseling process.So, understand you have a big part in this, get professional help. Also, if you have been neglected, raped, sexually abused, are a child of an alcoholic parent or if your husband is, or are from a family where affairs and divorce are common, or your husband is, then you have a lot of digging to go through.Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I've only been in one relationship in which I had to think about other women to stay aroused (at times). I ended that relationship early because I knew there was no way that would work out over the long haul.It is virtually inconceivable to me that your husband could successfully continue to get aroused enough to have sex with you if he didn't find you attractive. Even if he tried, it just wouldn't work. There isn't enough Viagra on this planet for that.Forget about it, don't waste any more of your time thinking about this. You obviously do turn him on!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): OP, NO WHERE in your post did your husband say he doesn't find you attractive. Why are you worried that he's thinking about someone else? These are your issues, and you're obviously pretty insecure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Can I just say the guy who posted (mr devastatingly handsome one); your post made me cry. Isn't it sad that you had to go to counselling to really open up to each other. I've been with my partner for 5 years now and he is devastatingly handsome, whereas I am the 5ft nothing girlfriend whose a bit dumpy and currently suffering from a terrible illness. And I feel as the poster does in that my partner loves me, but is not sexually attracted to me. It's all to do with actions and not just words. I think my bf fell in love with me more over the years, but at the beginning it was to do with, I'm not sure, perhaps convenience. He was living somewhere where he didn't like, so practically moved in with me straight away. We've adjusted to each other over the years. Right from the outset, he would check out other women a lot when we were out, which slowly destroyed any esteem that I may have had. He told me it was a bad habit from being single before he met me. He also used to check out porn sites, in particular ones with "Jo Guest". Now, from what I know about Jo Guest, she's a complete bimbo but she was enough to turn my partner on. I then noticed that when it came to having sex with me, he would quite quickly lose his erection. Again, devastated. I asked him straight up whether it was me, but he is one of those men who is not great at communication, so when asked a question like this he freezes, so I end up twittering on and basically answering the question for him. So you see, from his actions I have concluded that he is not physically attracted to me and yes I would love the lines of communication to be open about this, but he cannot talk about his feelings. So I understand exactly where the OP is coming from and I don't necessarily think it's issues that she should be working on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Dont buy into the idea that you have to be 'perfect' to be loved. Not all men need to be physically attracted to make love. Making love is as suggested. Having sex with someone you love. Thats done whether you are a perfect ten or not. He is turned on by you. If he wasnt, there wouldnt be any sex. If he really didnt find you attractive and it was a major issue for him, he could leave and find someone he was very attracted to. The fact that he hasnt, proves he wants you, flaws and all. Its what you are both doing when you make love that turns him on. He doesnt need some plastic bimbo to get him excited, he needs you. Thats a good thing so dont worry!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): I wasn't my ex's type at all, but we fell in love, and he didn't have any issue with arousal at all, just being in the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): If he doesnt find you sexually attractive it doesnt mean he cant get aroused by you. When a guy loves he loves.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 March 2011):
You pick the one man who values you for more than just sex, and you think he DOESN'T find you attractive?!?!?!?!?
I think Tisha1 is right - you do need therapy or something. You seem to be choosing not to believe that he's attracted to you. Of course he is - he really wouldn't be with you if he wasn't.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2011):
"So how am I supposed to believe that he can be with me when I'm not that for him?" He IS with you. Why can't you believe that?
I would recommend finding a therapist or talk to your doctor about these and possibly other feelings you have been experiencing.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2011):
Would you prefer that he turn up his nose and display open disdain for your physical charms? Because that's the direction that path you are walking right now is leading. There is nothing sexy about a woman who thinks she's a zero or one on the physical attractiveness scale.
"All we ever hear and see is that a woman has to be pretty or physically attractive in some way." I agree that the messages out there in the media is pretty pervasive, but not everyone internalizes this.
You're coming from a place that's sounds fairly lonely, self-judgemental and untrusting. Did something happen to you? Maybe you need to consider your own mental health? A touch of depression with a side of paranoia? Not a nice place to be, I know because I've been there, well, the depression bit anyway.
Like dirtball says, not every man is as shallow as you seem to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and it is not only about physical beauty.
That said, I would not be with someone who did not find me physically attractive and beautiful. If he told me as much, then I would not be able to feel attracted at all. I also have never been attracted to someone who isn't physically attractive to me in some way.
Fantasizing about various things is ok, telling or making your partner feel that they are not attractive to you is not ok. Even if he has not said it in words, he has made you feel this and that is a problem imo.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (23 March 2011):
 You choose not to believe it.
I find the girl I'm seeing very sexy, and she definitely doesn't fit the mold of what's considered hot by society, or even me in the past. I was actually surprised I was as attracted to her as I was, and no, I was not just trying to get laid. It's legit. It's a combination of her attitude, the way she makes me feel, the glimmer in her eyes when she looks at me, all of it. You see, attraction is more than just physical. I've seen plenty of "hot" girls who don't turn me on at all because they're complete bitches.
Not every guy is so shallow that all he cares about is looks.
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reader, FluffyPie +, writes (23 March 2011):
 "So how am I supposed to believe that he can be with me when I'm not that for him?" - That's not his problem anymore. This is YOUR issue, YOUR insecurity and it has nothing to do with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): "has never come out and said it in a complete sentence, he does not find me physically attractive"So, you know that he does not find you physically attractive? Be careful thinking you know what your husband thinks about you when he hasn't said it outright.Personal story, terrible, but true.My wife and I walked out of a restaurant an hour or so ago, a woman walked by us as we did, she was tall, much nearer my height than my wife, long dark hair, thinner and fit looking, and being as my wife would call it "well put together" and buxom and dressed to kill.I know my wife of 5 foot 3 inches noticed her (wearing her older polar fleece sweater, older jeans, and her graying hair, and feeling dumpy in comparison when she sees this other woman.My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Her attraction to me is about far more than looks, and she never felt she measured up to women like that. Yes, she is physically attractive, and second to none in my opinion. BUT, her entire person makes her such that no such woman could hold a candle to her.But, for years, long, lonely, and fearful years, all hidden, she thought I would leave her for someone like the woman that walked by us today. She thought that I thought that way about her. I never did. When, in fact, I thought the opposite about her from what she thought I did. All this came out in counseling as I tried to save my marriage, because of rifts that wouldn't resolve no matter what I tried to do.I'm tall, good looking (have been called "devastatingly handsome" by some), highly educated, well regarded in my community, accomplished in my career, and make a lot of money. I would give it all up to be with my beautiful sexy and intelligent wife, even if she was in a wheelchair. I love every gray hair on her head, every wrinkle on her skin, every scar on her body, and every sag in her figure that has come up over 20 years of children and life.Yeah, I could have the "other woman" but I've got the one that I want.So, don't project your feelings about yourself onto your husbands mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Arousal isn't just about appearance. It's also people's actions in bed, the sounds they make, their chemistry, what they tell each other during, and, most importantly, the spiritual and emotional connection between them. Assuming he MUST be thinking of someone else is silly and kind of disrespectful to men. Yes, a few guys care only about appearance and nothing else. Be grateful your husband isn't one of them.I've known girls who looked exceptional but when their personalities came out, they didn't seem attractive at all anymore... as well as others who were not special to look at but their personalities made them seem beautiful.
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reader, LizBeth +, writes (23 March 2011):
LizBeth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe Walkin Dude - Sorry, but I want him to be into ALL of me, not JUST my brain. Guys like a hot, sexy, pretty, steamy girl. He doesn't see me that way, so who is he thinking about?Dirtball - I don't get it, I really don't. Didn't you have to have some kind of initial physical attraction to the person you're with? And as for different definitions or kinds of beauty, I'm not even cute or quirky-fun-looking. My flaws aren't special or unique, they're flaws. That unique thing sounds like a line to me. Like something a guy will say because he just wants to get laid and he doesn't care by who. (Not that you're trying to do that with me! I don't mean that.) I did ask him once, although not quite in this context, if he ever did think of someone else and he said no, that he didn't and that he didn't think that he would be able to do that.I just don't get it. All we ever hear and see is that a woman has to be pretty or physically attractive in some way. So how am I supposed to believe that he can be with me when I'm not that for him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): It's funny, women complain that men don't connect feelings with sex and wish it was more intimate, then when they get it they worry they're not attractive enough.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2011):
 my bf is not my physical type. I am not his.i do not think of anyone else when I am with him. his heart and soul are what make me love him and want him.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (23 March 2011):
I doubt he's thinking of anyone else. I've dated girls I was highly physically attracted to, and others that I wasn't, but I've never had a problem getting aroused for sex. While it's true that men are more visual than women (on average) visual stimuli aren't necessary for all men to get aroused. Having a strong emotional connection is better in my book. I find myself much more aroused in situations where I feel highly connected to my partner, even if she doesn't fit the textbook definition of "beauty." Also, there are different kinds of beauty. I don't think you should worry about this at all. Your husband loves you, and it's you that he's thinking about when you have sex. Some men are very capable of loving their partner's, "flaws" and all. I personally embrace those "flaws." That's because they are what make you special and unique, and they truely don't matter to me if I'm in love with you.
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