A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:this is sort of the confusing story but I will do the best I can.I had a baby 2 years ago by a boyfriend I had been dating for 2 years before that. my mom my adopted father liked him ok, but they really didn't like me having a boyfriend because my mom had got pregnant her senior year. when I was about 4 my mom started going to church again and always told me that she did not act like a lady and that is why she did not know who my father was. I know what she meant by that now, because I got older she told me that she was running around with men before she knew Christ. I always just believed her and we always been told what a wonderful man my adopted dad is and how blessed we are that he married her and adopted me. he really is a great person and I really do love and respect my mother.until now. I got pregnant 2 years ago when I was away at college.I know that I should not have gotten pregnant and I know that my boyfriend is just as guilty and he said so. He was basically told by my family and my church that he needs to marry me but he does not want to. I don't want to marry him either, I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant. a couple from church came forward and said they would adopt. this was when my baby was born, she is 2 years old now. I am still dating the boyfriend but it has been on again off again because he does not trust me and does not believe that the baby is his daughter. He has, when we are broken up, had his parents call me and let me with a restraining order or tell me not to contact him and leave alone. I told him to take a paternity test and then he would feel stupid and nobody thinks that's necessary and then I need to admit I lied. Nobody in church believe me either because my daughter is very dark complected. also, since my parents made me move back home it has been a long distance relationship.I would not say I have been shunned, but everybody keeps their distance and women make it a point to say I'm very close to their husbands or if I ask a man question their wife is quick to say "we're fine thanks", and I was told my services are no longer needed in the daycare. I could approach a man at church and ask him if he has time to look at my car, which I would pay for, and I'm told that my parents should ask for me or maybe I should talk to their wife.despite the fact that I'm 22, church is about the only place besides school that I am allowed to go and people at school laugh in my face because my parents treat me like I'm 12. It is difficult to impossible to make friendsbecause of all this. There is one woman, a single mom, who was raised in the church and came back. She is kind to me but she gets similar treatment. her children have a hard time making friends because many church members think they are too worldly. this is all very depressing to me and up until now my mother told me that she was treated the same way at first, coming in with a child out of wedlock, and she is still always reminded of how lucky she is and that she will never fit into any clique. She said that is simply a consequence.recently, she told me she wanted to and they sat me down with my adopted father and they swore me to secrecy. my mom told me that she does now, after looking at her grandfather, have a pretty good idea who my father is. she had her suspicions because of the shape of my ears, my full lips and thick build, but she never said anything because her parents are very prejudiced and she would have been kicked out.she also said there were only 3 guys and she wanted nothing to do with them and did not want to be tied to them for life. I actually asked her what she was getting at and my adopted father had to tell me, "your father is biracial." I have blonde hair and green eyes. he went on to say that he had seen pictures and that if it was not for his hair, people probably would have thought he was white. they refused to give his name because they did not want me to try to track him down and it was mostly because it would have made things really hard for my mother and ruin the reputation she has tried to build. I asked if I was supposed to just suffer in silence and look like a liar and they both shrugged and said "that the consequence, it's for the best." they really are more interested in protecting my mother over something that happened 22 years ago.it took me a long time to get where I am, but I went to the library and I pulled up year books from the school my mom went to close to the year she graduated in the town she was from. she was from a very small town so there was only two high school and one private one. within four years at the high school she went to, there were only 10 fair complected black males. I memorized their names and I looked them up. I found six on Facebook, one of them spent time in prison for assault, and the rest are nowhere to be found. all the others did nothing worse than driving while drunk or not paying taxes for traffic violations. most of this is at least 5 years in the past. those I could find information on appear to have very good jobs and high degrees or else they have been at their job for quite a while. In other words, good people who appear to have nice families. I told my mom I at least wanted to know something about him, for health reasons in case I got a random disease and she told me that she knew nothing about his father, but that his mother had very blonde hair and she always had problems with asthma and COPD. she said that he went to community college so he can stay home and take care of her. she said she heard that my grandmother died relatively young.I typed in the names again, and possible birth years and came up with some people they might be related to and found two possible fathers who lost a mother at a young age. I mean, they named her with her birth and death dates. I researched her that his name together and they are definitely mother and son. I pulled up the one ladies obituary and she's very dark complected. I pulled up the other obituary, and there was no picture.I keep staring at his high school picture and the newer pictures that are basically random news things. he was top seller two years in a row at a car place, and he works for some political campaign as a volunteer. he has four kids in high school and he's married to a Caucasian woman. I pulled up the names of those kids on Facebook and I promise you it was like looking at my own face!I really want to contact him but my mother would be furious and it would mess up his marriage and everybody would think I was crazy. What do I do? Let it go? Let everybody think I'm a liar? it's partly because I want to talk to him and I really think he would be surprised and what upset his family, what about me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (13 February 2016):
Hi there,
You really have an incredible amount of courage and persistence. Really, you are much much stronger than you know, and than your parents think.
I feel that you should definitely contact him. He is family. His children are your siblings. Maybe you could contact him through Facebook, or if he is not on Facebook, then maybe those news items might have an email address that you could use.
I know that you're aware that he might not take it well, and you should be open to that possibility. But you should always give it a go, because he and his family could (in fact, should) be very welcoming to you.
About everyone thinking you're a liar. Forget about them. I know it's easier said than done, but seriously, they're not worth your time.
It's ridiculous how people take religion and use it to show their supposed moral superiority over everyone else. Wasn't Pride one of the seven Cardinal Sins?
These people are in *no* position to judge you. "Let he who is without Sin cast the first stone" - isn't that what Jesus said? Then how could they be so mean and unfeeling?
Oh and BTW, the guy that you're seeing and the father of your child, doesn't seem to be that great a catch either. You could definitely find someone nicer than him.
I would say that this town is no place for you. There are wonderful people and things outside of the church and your town. You're 22, old enough to move out and forge a path for yourself. Go out, get a new job, get rid of old baggage and see the world!
And whoever you're seeing, be sure to use protection to prevent pregnancy and STDs.
Wishing you all the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): Two paternity tests are needed here: one for you, and one for your child.
Your whole story is terrific example of why paternity testing should be the normal routine for all live births.
I could say a lot more but you are already starting to get the picture. Doing what your parents & church taught would work fine except that it demands unrealistic things from people. That is why it routinely fails one generation after another.
If you want to get out of this pattern then you have to stop doing what these other people expect & teach you. It didn't work 22 years ago and it's not working now. If you don't get disobedient now then your child is liable to be seeking a paternity test for your BF in another 20 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): A good question to ask your mother/adopted father is this: What if you HAD waited until marriage and your child STILL came out bi-racial? Should he then assume you cheated? And divorce you to live in shame? Forgoe the paternity test, quietly pay for the child and look the virtuous one at your expense? Do ask your mother why she told you about your father so late... If you were conceived in the "90s, there's no reason she DIDN'T have the responsibility to at least ASK those men for paternity tests. It sounds to me like she knew who your father was, hurried up and slept with some white guys and prayed you would inherit her skin tone. I bet she would have cried RAPE if you turned out darker. Forgive me, I shouldn't judge her so harshly. But she sure wants to keep that past buried! Even if it makes YOU look bad. And as the good, contrite, submissive, and repentant daughter she wants you to lower your eyes and let people assume you're a liar. GRRR!
As for the man you tracked down, be careful before you contact him! He may just happen to be someone who attended your mom's high school and maybe didn't sleep with her at all. Maybe he won't respond even if he did and he.ll deny it. Then where will you be? What if he takes the test and he's not your father? What if he is and they DON'T welcome you with open arms?
Please consider all possible parties involved. Is it worth it just for a POSSIBLE chance to say, "told you so!" ? Is that going to earn you an apology? Probably not. Just let the past stay where it belongs. Your church is never going to let you save face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): I feel for you. I found out who my bio. father was after my mother died. I was 19 and contacted him. He was civil promised to call back, never did. The first photo of his I saw was the one at his funeral.
The only thing I learnt from this experience is that its is good to know, but that it doesn't matter.
In your case, it seems that you're looking for him just so that you could give the credibility to your own story with your baby and your boyfriend.
Even if you do find your bio. father and even if somehow his paternity is confirmed, it will do NOTHING for your other situation. Your b/f family will not believe what they do not want to believe. Period.
Why don't you ask for a paternity test and take some legal action? As a father your b/f should behave responsibly. Be active do not let anybody victimize you.
This whole thing with the church you mention is so weird. I am agnostic, but I do feel that for those who do believe the house of god should be open regardless of what they have going on in their lives!
You are still very young and there are many ways you can express your spirituality and faith. The church you mention is not the beginning or the end.
You did nothing wrong.
Your wish to stay unmarried is not wrong.
Things will get better the moment you take the reins of your life. Try to be as independent as possible, financially and otherwise. Focus on yourself and your child. Try meeting people outside your church. You will need support.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 And so you should. This is your BIRTH RIGHT. I can can understand that you don't wish to up set mum and step dad but you know what...too bad. In fact, from what you write I think they are very cruel to be bringing out in the open all this information about the identity of whom she believes your father may be, and expect you to just suck it up without question. I mean whats the point in doing that? In no way do I mean any disrespect for the church, but come on who the hell are these people to be looking down their nose and judging you? I would hardly call that acting as God would want- Thats his job not theirs, even so he is a forgiving one. Sounds very much to me like you have been bullied a lot by the opinions of the church and your parents. You are 22, an adult and it is OK to say STOP,BACK OFF, I WILL do as I please for the needs of myself and child. There is absolutely no need to get married if neither you or your bf don't wish to. No guilt should you feel for not wanting that. As long as he and you do the right thing by your child that is all that matters, not a silly ring. Making contact with your dad has both positives and negatives. The positives is it all turns out well and the negatives he wants nothing to do with you. That is something you really should brace yourself for being a possibility. How you go about it I don't know but if that is something you truly want to do whether it is in hope of establishing some kind of relationship,closure or whatever then you should. His family, is his family to worry about. Your mum getting upset ...you say "Well mum...thats just a consequence, it's for the best" I sincerely hope that all turns out well or you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 You have a right to know your biological father, and when he dies you have a right to his legacy. You don't need their permission to go search for you dad. You also have the right to collect child support from your on and off boyfriend. Talk to your court. When it comes to matters of your child, his family has no right to shun you. The well being of your child is more important that saving face in your family. I have to be blunt here and say that your family is ridiculous. So people are supposed to believe that you got pregnant by some black guy and didn't know who he was? You are just supposed to live in shame and not bother any guy who could be the child's father? That the baby's father is not considered human, not considered to have rights to be a father?
This story does not sit well with me at all. Two generations here. People would rather have the support from a discriminating church than to celebrate the unique identity of their children, and that they should bury secrets in order to save face.
A sign of civilized societies is that we recognize single parents and give them a chance to be parents, instead of "quarantining" them because that only encourages people to have babies and not take care of them. The Church has done a good job in shaming premarital sex behavior. People are still getting pregnant young and unprepared. I am aware that there are assholes who couldn't care less after being told they have children. There also many people who would love to parent, and to make up for lost years after they mature and want to do the right thing. We have to give them the chance.
I think you should contact your biological dad. Jesus forgives your dad if he can open his heart to him. There's a possibility that your biological dad shows disinterest about you. There's also the possibility that he regretted not trying harder to find you, and felt horrible that your mom would not let him connect with you.
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