A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 and his son is 5 years old, we been seeing each other 5 months. He never told me he had a child till 3 months into our relationship as I had told him, a few times before that I would never date a man with 'baggage' he still decided to see me though and not tell me the truth till feelings were involved. He has contact with his son by the phone but does not see him much as he lives hours away which makes things slightly easier for me!. Only way I managed to get through the next two months so far is by ignoring the issue! If we do talk about his son and the mother, I get very freaked out and scared. Now I realized I cannot go through rest of the relationship just not talking about him and I do not think its right my b/f with someone like me. I told him all this and he refuses to end it with me. I know I should end it and I have several times but again it is so hard when feelings are involved and he is willing to let me just ignore the 'issue' if I have too. I come to the point now where I am trying to accept it! I really am! But I think of the fact I will never be with someone who sharing the joy of a first child together, it won't be new too him. Also child support money may effect us too.Argh, just don't know what too do? I feel like I'm forcing myself to accept the son even though I haven't even met him yet and have no desire to do so! Will it ever get easier? would meeting the child help or make it worse? we may move in together in months to come as I'm going to university and he wants to move down to the same town and I am not sure if that is a good ideal?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Miamine says a lot of what I was thinking too. Not only will this not work.. What I was most shocked about is that this man is so low, he not only accepts that he has limited contact with his own child, and hides his child away from you, he also find it perfectly OK for you not to care about his son at all! He finds it perfectly fine that his son gets ignored? I mean no offense to you. You said from the beginning what you wanted, and I don't think you are wrong at all for not wanting to be involved with a man with a child... what I am saying is that he sounds like a lousy father. And imagine if you did have kids with him, and then broke up for some reason, he would treat you and your children the same way he does his son and the mother of his son. Being fine with them being ignored, and hiding them away like they are something to be ashamed of.
I feel sorry for him and his kid. That is a harsh way to treat your own child.
But yes, he doesn't have what you want. You want someone you can have your own family with, your own children, and share the joy of the first born together with. He can't give you that. So, even with feelings involved, just rip yourself loose like you rip off a band aid, and move on. That is the only way. Move on.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 July 2010):
 This relationship can't work, he isn't in the situation you want and you will probably find it more difficult as time goes on. If you love him it's possible to work on and compromise so he can be a father and still have you by his side. However, it sounds like a deal breaker for you, this relationship is new, break it off now before your heart gets more involved.
A man who isn't a proper father and hides his son away, will not make a good father when you and him have kids.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 July 2010):
oldersister -
I agree with you - he should have been forthcoming about his situation. That said, in the interest of not being hypocritical you of course would agree that a woman should be forthcoming to a man about her past so he could also make an educated decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 July 2010):
 He can't MAKE you DATE him. That is preposterous. Just tell him you stand by your original sentiment. There is nothing wrong in not wanting to get involved with a guy/girl with "baggage". It's not easy to live with/deal with.
Sometimes though the chap is worth it, only you can tell if he is. I can jsut tell you there are certainly days I wish my husband didn't have the baggage he has. The ex wife and the step kids. So much unnecessary drama. However I do love it, the "weight" of the baggage is minimal in our marriage, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of compromises.
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