A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long distance relationship for about half a year. In that time, I felt lonely so I signed up for some things that interest me. During one of those things, I made a female friend who is also in a long distance relationship. Since then, we have met a few times to do that thing, which we are both interested in. More recently, sadly my relationship ended. She knows this. I am still lonely and I would like to grow this new friendship by meeting outside of that one activity, but I’m worried she will think I am trying to put the moves on her. I kindof hinted that we could go for drinks towards the end of the last we met, but she dodged the suggestion (with what could have been a genuine reason). Should we just stick to this one thing we both like doing? Should I try again to suggest going for drinks, or something else?
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): I met my boyfriend through that one activity. He suggested we meet for coffee. He was married. I don't have to tell you how that turned out! This woman is off limits. She is in a relationship, even if it's long distance. Don't try to swoop in and take advantage. That's very low. Leave her alone. If or when she is no longer in that relationship, you can suggest coffee. But no sooner.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 January 2019):
 How do you think her boyfriend would feel if he knew you two were going out for drinks together? Put yourself in his shoes and consider how you would feel if someone was doing this to YOUR long distance girlfriend. LDRs are challenging enough without a 3rd party stepping in.
I get that you are looking for friendship because you are lonely. Nothing wrong with that. HOWEVER, don't tread on some other guy's toes by cosying up to his girlfriend, even if your intentions are completely pure. Trust me, it is not how HE will see it.
Perhaps you could suggest going out in a group for drinks with other people you have met through your new interests, or make more friends so that you can get closer to people (male or female) without putting strain on existing relationships?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2019):
 I think if you truly WANT to make friends you should try and make some MALE friends. That way there can be little doubt when you suggest thing.
She has a BF. You are single, I can see how this can become iffy even if you BOTH are just wanting friendship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): [EDIT]:
Correction:
"That excludes any sexual benefits."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): Stop mucking around with someone you know is in a relationship. If you want female-companionship, or you want to share your time with a lady without romantic-involvement; it's best to do that with someone single and available. With the full understanding it's all about making friends. The excludes any sexual benefits. Strictly platonic and nonphysical. Your age and hormones may not fall inline with this!
Sometimes people get crossed-signals; or unintended feelings may develop. You're tempting fate and taking unnecessary risks with your feelings. Too much time and activities with the same woman could evolve into dating. It's almost psychological cheating as it is. Does her boyfriend know about you?
I second Code Warrior's question why you'd invite her out for the consumption of alcoholic beverages; if you want her to know your intentions are honorable and innocent?
Appearances matter; even if she thinks it's okay, maybe her boyfriend wouldn't. I think you're in denial of your true feelings; and you're testing the possibilities with this young woman. I also think your rebound feelings are at play.
Find someone on a level playing field, and not romantically-committed. If the unpredictable heart decides you're falling for each other; there will be no complications or misunderstandings.
You just ended a relationship; and your conscious-mind may be honorable; but the subconscious-mind thinks independently, and sometimes has ulterior-motives.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 January 2019):
 It has to be a group setting or it is sort of asking her out - especially for drinks, which is a date thing. Ask more than just her to go or find another way to make friends.
...............................
|
