A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have two sons. The oldest one, John, is 35 years old and the youngest one, Joe, is 33 years old. About five years ago, they got into a major argument. John did not like Joe's girlfriend and tried to talk to Joe about it. John crossed the line and made some comments he should not have made (example: calling her a racist name due to her being Asian and we are white). Joe and this girl has been happily married for three years.Since the fight, John tried to apologize to Joe but Joe refuses to talk to John. Joe didn't even invite John to his wedding. John bought Joe a wedding gift and Joe drove to John's house and left it on his front porch with a note saying "I don't want a gift from you. Please leave me and my wife alone".I talked to Joe about his relationship with his brother. Joe pretty much does not want anything to do with John.Is there any thing I can do to help Joe to forgive his brother and get them to rebuild their relationship As brothers?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (25 July 2018):
This is not your issue. If you do not want to alienate your younger son and his wife stay out of it. The older son has apologized that is all he can do now it is up to the younger one.
But I would not hold out much hope if I were you. From my perspective I’m not sure I would be quick to forgive someone who called the woman I love a vile racist name.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Sorry for mixing the names. Both starting with the Letter-J!
Correction:
"Even though John wants to be forgiven; his feelings towards Joe's wife may still be the same."
"That doesn't mean Joe will forgive him; but it will be an olive branch."
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Just continue to love your two sons and gently urge them to reconcile. They are two grown-men, they have to work it out between them.
Joe was deeply hurt that the brother he loves so much; could say something racist and hurtful about someone else he deeply loves. He tried to separate them. Even though John wants to be forgiven; his feelings towards John's wife may be the same. Joe knows whether his brother is truly sincere; or just feeling guilty.
John should write a heartfelt-letter of apology directly to John's wife. Do not put a return address on the envelope. That doesn't mean John will forgive him; but it will be an olive branch. It will also take a burden off his heart; because through all this, I can only speculate how sorry he must be.
Apologies mean nothing, when there is no sincerity behind them. When they are empty, lifeless, and only meant to ease your own guilt; or to bend things to suit yourself. You're otherwise the same toxic-person you ever were. Joe went out of his way to separate people in-love out of hatred; so thus are the consequences.
If after all these years you couldn't make peace between them; you shouldn't get in the way. I know it pains a mother to see this; but you've done all you can do. They have to come to the place of reconciliation on their own. Sometimes a third-party causes more friction; so just remind them they are brothers, and leave it at that.
When souls are stubborn and unforgiving; sometimes calamity comes along and will force them back together. They'll realize the time lost and wasted in being angry and headstrong.
John has learned the power of his words. He has also learned the price we pay when we hate. You tried to gloss it over and make it seem like it wasn't that serious, by the way you described it. Joe most certainly does not consider what he said should be taken lightly; and he's teaching him a lesson.
Hatred and xenophobia is very damaging and divisive. There are far too many nasty people with bigotry surging through their veins these days. As a Christian, it sickens me to see the up-surge of people showing this nasty side of human-nature, more now than ever before. All I can do is pray for them; and ask God not to allow me to feel the same towards them, for the sake of my soul.
If you have a faith; then use it, and pray for your sons. They both have to learn something about the damage hatred and unforgiveness can bring between people. If something awful happens to one or the other; either will feel profound guilt. That is the price we pay.
Don't lose hope, I know five years is a long time. Joe is showing his brother how hurt he is; and just how much he truly loves his wife. You may not know all the details that the two brothers may have kept between them. There could be a lot more to the story. Or you do know, and you can't understand the depth of the matter. I guess it would have to be you in your daughter-in-law's shoes.
Be patient. Deep-down inside, they love each other as much as they ever have. There is great pain between them. It has to resolve itself. May God bring you peace, and grant you strength, while you wait. Nothing could break a loving-mother's heart more.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 July 2018):
 I don't think you can change this. They are adults now and make their own choices, even dumb choices. Just like it was John's dumbass choice to call his brother's GF a derogatory name due to her ethnicity.
How well do you get along with your daughter in law? If you get along with her maybe ask her how she feels about all this. If anyone can make Joe rethink this, it might be her.
However, I would push HER to make it happen, she isn't the UN either.
If Joe however wants nothing to do with John, that is HIS choice.
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