New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I worry so much about my baby, I just need a balanced view.

Tagged as: Family, Pregnancy, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 June 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 18 June 2018)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi All,

I've posted a number of times before and you've always provided me with great advice.

My child's dad and I split before he was born ( 16weeks pregnant). Our son was planned - tried for a year to conceive him..split after ten years, were engaged, he'd fell for someone at work...

He put me through hell when I was pregnant- demanded if I didn't let him having our son these specific days a week he'd take me to court..it was hard.

Anyways, our son is nearly two and he has him 11 hours a week...10:30- 4pm Friday and Saturday. I've asked over time did he want to increase it..have him longer..he said no. His reasoning especially for not spending longer on Saturday was due to Saturday being their family/date night.

I asked last year if he wanted our son for a little bit on Father's Day if not the whole day..it's a special day, it would have been his first Father's Day..he said no. I asked again this year. His response just keep everything as it already is. I reached out so much, telling him he's missing so many milestones...to receiving nothing back. I only ever message and this is rare, unless it's regarding Daniel. We never communicate other than that, and his response when I do message about Daniel is received hours if not days later with a one line answer. He has a great life - we did when we were together- they're on their third holiday and I'm not bitter. My life changed abolaurelt, along with my life set when I had our son. His life however hasn't, and I feel that he thinks soending 11 hours with him, spoiling him etc makes him a perfect parent, when in reality that's hardly what a parent is - no snuggling him when he's ill, getting up through the night, bathing him, teaching him how to read, teaching him words etc. Just watching him grow into the little personality he has become. My question therefore is this...people say oh well your little boy will decide what he wants when he's okder. If he doesn't want to see his dad then he can then say and won't have to. But I feel horrible, why should I allow him at some point, more than likely, feel second best, unimportant. The hurt the sadness, why should I allow him to go through it. I feel such an awful mum to think oh he can decide . But by doing so, he has to go through the hurt etc. I know when they have a child it'll be very different and I worry. He will never have him extra as it is, and Iworry I really do. It upsets me a lot. I guess what I'm asking, if am I right or should I tell him he needs to step up much more or potentially he won't see his son. That it's all or nothing as I'm not going to wait until he's at an age he can decide for himself. I don't know, I just need some form of balanced view. I know it's his dad. I know some dads only see them every other weekend etc. For me, after everything, our child deserves more and yes I don't want to, I have no right to say you're not seeing him, but I feel I need to do something.

Please help

View related questions: at work, conceive, engaged

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018):

I am sorry that your partner turned out to be a bad person and a bad father.

My advice, however, is simple. The less time his dad wants to spend with him means the MORE you get to spend with your son. Frankly, the more influence YOU have over his behaviour, morals, character, etc. is going to be what counts here. I would try to count it as a blessing that you don't have to lose too much time with your son to this deadbeat dad. Instead think of those times when the dad does take him as little breaks for you, and count your blessings he will be with you the majority of the time.

Try not to feel jealous that dad doesn't have to do the "real" parenting work and you do. In time your son will appreciate this. Someday maybe his dad will regret missing out (maybe not). It is true you cannot control that his dad will likely devote more attention to the next child. You can only control that YOU will devote 100% and more to this son whom you love so fully. Again, that is what counts- he will be your everything.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018):

[EDIT]:

"Even in the short time-span the child has with his father;"

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018):

I feel you are projecting your own feelings onto the child. I think you are the one who feels rejected. A two year-old toddler's thought-processes are not that complex. If he was four or older; then I could see the point you're making.

Even in the short time-span the child his with his father; he is growing attached, and knows who he is. Say the situation was a dad who struggles financially, and has to work two jobs. He sees his family less; but do they love him any less? Sometimes they don't love him as much; but there is usually a lot more family-dysfunction involved.

Children tend to love unconditionally. Parents can seriously influence their feelings and manipulate their emotions. The resentments you have for the father, can be passed-on to your child. So they don't necessarily have to originate from the child's own perception of things. They can be influenced and persuaded to form certain opinions.

You have asked the father to show more attention. My suggestion is that you leave that up to the father. You can't control another person's feelings. He may not be good with handling a toddler; many men aren't. Who's to say as the child is older, their bond won't grow stronger? I think you're taking far too much on yourself about this. Who are you to measure how much the father loves his child? Many single-mothers have no idea where the father is!

You say the pregnancy was planned. It's one thing if you planned it; and he was just going along with it. He might have been nothing more than a willing sperm-donor. Just wanting to know if he could father a child; proving his fertility and manhood. That's the risk taken when you have children outside of marriage. Either partner is still free to find somebody else; and can just end the relationship with just a few words. A married-father has to go through a legal process; so just dumping the mother and abandoning his children isn't so easy.

Lavish the child with your love, let him know both sets of grandparents, let him get to know aunts, uncles, cousins, and he'll be surrounded in love. I can tell from your post you are so full of love; I can't imagine that child would notice any deficiency.

You cannot foresee or foretell the future. Do everything you can to give your child love in the present. Wait until he's a teenager; he will not seem to appreciate all your love, or seem to care about all you've done for him. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes that's one of the things that's so good about it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018):

By what you have put you cannot force him, he has said no. What he chooses to do when he has more children is his choice, but to be fair he sounds like an utter arse regardless and will not change.

My ex was like this, no matter how much i tried he chose to limit visiting our daughter, i allowed him to see her when he wanted and yes now at 19 years old she has worked him out all on her own.

Allow your son to see his dad, don't try and keep pushing because he will just drag his heels in more and you will become more frustrated. Time will tell whether as your son gets older he wants to spend more time with him and how close their bond will be, i am sorry but you cannot force that. Just enjoy your time with your boy and thank your lucky stars you have him, it's his fathers loss at the end of the day.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (18 June 2018):

N91 agony auntI think you should stop trying so hard.

It’s not YOUR job to make his dad see him. If he wants to, he will do. Stop messaging him. If he doesn’t want to make the effort then that is on HIM. Let him go live his life, you live yours and give your child as much love as you can, that’s all you can do.

When your son gets older, he can decide for himself whether he wants to see his father. Mine left when I was around 3/4 years old. He was useless at keeping in contact, he got remarried and the contact dropped even more. I don’t even know my own father. I don’t know how old he is, I don’t know where he lives, what job he has, when his birthday is and I absolutely couldn’t care less. It’s not affected me in any way, I got by perfectly fine with just my mum around. So please don’t think this is guaranteed to hurt your son growing up because it may have no effect at all. It didn’t on me, so don’t worry about it so much.

Just take care of your son.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI wouldn't try and force your ex to spend more time.

I don't think THAT would be beneficial to your son at all.

What your son NEEDS as he grows up are POSITIVE role-models and people who WANT to be around him.

I don't think your ex really wanted a child. He might have said so and even participated in trying for a child but his actions kind of shows how little it means to him to be a father.

So no, I would stick with the bare minimum this ex is willing to spend with your son. If all he can handle is 11 hours a week, so be it. It's better than nothing and better than the ex starting to "resent" his son for having to spend "HIS" (the ex's) time on the boy.

What I would suggest is for YOU to surround yourself and your son with good and positive people. Biology is not a guarantee for love, care, participation, growth etc.

One of my good friend's grandson's dad refused (at first) to accept paternity and when DNA proved he WAS the father he still wanted nothing to do with the boy. THANKFULLY this boy has grown up wit ha LOT of people who LOVE him and CARE for him even if they are not biologically related. He has 4 sets of "grandparents" and a slew of "uncles and aunts" who support him, his little sister and his mother. When he has baseballs games with Little-league there are ALWAYS someone there to cheer him on. Sure these people are not related to him but I think they are more important than the father who wants nothing to do with him.

You know the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" - that is true - especially if the child doesn't have much of blood-relatives who wants to do this.

And I'm sure you are familiar with the saying: " you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink"? you can't MAKE your ex be the DAD you want him to be. 11 hours a week might not be much but it is better than nothing.

And no, you don't have the right to keep your son away from your father because the father won't play ball with YOUR demand and YOUR ideas of how he should parent.

If 11 hours a week is all he is willing to give, then maybe that is a good thing. If those 11 hours are positively spend together.

You son is 2. He needs people around him who CARES and who WANTS to be around him, not people who don't.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I worry so much about my baby, I just need a balanced view."

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0156248999992386!