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I worry I might be too desperate!

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

So a few months ago I met this girl on an online dating website and we hit it off so quickly. Everything was perfect and we had so much fun. About a month ago, we decided to start dating exclusively and thing went ok for a while. But recently we've gotten so distant and it really sucks. I won't sit here and say it's all her fault and that I was a perfect boyfriend because that wouldn't be true, but I feel like she just won't communicate with me anymore. I recently took her to dinner and gave her this love letter that explained everything that I thought I was doing wrong and she really liked the fact that I was man enough to put things out. But I feel like she still wants nothing to do with me anymore and it's driving me crazy because I really do care about her and I want things to work out (maybe a little too much). My question is this, for a lack of a better word, "desperation" for things to work out really just driving her away? Should I just give up?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntAll this after only a month?

Then yes, you are moving WAY too fast and too intensely.

I agree with chigirl. I'd run a mile. Actually I have in the past. When a guy tries just a "little" to hard to prove what a catch he is, some women find it a turn off.

TAKE your time getting to KNOW a person. Even if you met over a dating site, DO NOT carry on the communication through the dating site and/or text but SPEND time together, going for lunch, to the museum, heck a wall around the mall or picnic in the park. I think it's WAY to easy for some folks to get caught up in the "moment" or the "fantasy" of the other person before you even know them, only to realize you really do not have much in common or that you totally misread the other person.

I'd back off and GIVE her a chance to reach out to you. To want to spend time with YOU. Don't "cram" your "love" down her throat.

Basically, hold your horse cowboy.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 June 2014):

I agree with Chigirl that you may be moving too fast. You are also moving with too much intensity. This tends to scare people.

Especially during the early introductory-stage of a romantic-connection. I call it a "romantic-connection;" because it takes time to form a "relationship." Most people these days want immediate-gratification. They are weary of game-playing; or they have set dead-lines by which they have to follow. This is because they want to reach a certain goal by a particular point in their lives.

There is an old saying, that "haste makes waste." You are forgetting that you are being evaluated by this young woman, and she is slowly taking you down her criteria checklist. Just as you should be doing. Otherwise, you will miss red-flags or over-look deal-breakers that may only become apparent too late into a rushed-relationship. That's why so many relationships don't survive. Belated discoveries, or unexpected surprises. Thus "waste" of time, effort, and feelings.

She's not only on your time, but you're on hers. She has every right to move as deliberately as she pleases, and she may only like dating you. With no intention of having a long-term formal-commitment. She may not even know at so early in the game exactly what she wants; because my friend...she doesn't really know you! You don't really know her.

The word "desperate" shouldn't even enter this situation. That's the last thing anyone needs in a romantic- connection. Desperation. That implies "haste." What is your hurry?

Due to the fact we can't read each others minds, we tend to get a little anxious with the other party's intentions; when they aren't readily or immediately apparent. The key is to be vigilant and patient. Read the clues along the way. Don't jump to conclusions and don't be too eager to expose your feelings. Your feelings have a stronger foundation and more justification when you allow them to evolve over-time. Don't just get caught-up in the moment, or let your romanticizing overtake your better judgement and common-sense. "I need a girlfriend, I'm tired of all the waiting and the games. Why does she keep dragging her feet? I don't have time for all this bullsh*t!"

Excuse me?!!

Cool your jets. She may be hiding horns and a tail. You can't place anyone up on a pedestal, based on getting along and having things in-common. She may be only playing along and being agreeable; because she knows how to manipulate men. Get what she wants, then she's gone. Then there's the old, "I've been hurt before, and I have trust-issues." Then don't date, until you resolve your issues.

You may be the type who attaches too easily. You want to rush her into showing her feelings; which is not wise to do when you've only known someone within a month. Thus, she put distance between you; because you've taken away her power to pace how things are going. How fast you're charging at her, and pursuing her. This "process" should be slow at the very beginning, and pick up momentum as trust is established. Once you can truly define your own feelings as not being lust and/or desperation; she should be allowed to catch up with you. This is where you should be running side-by-side. Being on the same page; is when and how successful monogamous-relationships are formed.

Simply put, you are more into her; than she is into you.

You can't be too upset that "things" aren't working out. They haven't really had that much time to "become" anything; let alone be anything. It has probably been her experience to be leery of men too intensely romantic and pushy. They are often possessive, needy; and at worse, controlling. They are potential stalkers and control-freaks.

Possibly traits among her list of deal-breakers or red-flags. Yes, she is entitled to have them. Even if she herself, is a devil in a blue dress. You may have inadvertently ducked a bullet, in that case.

Your ego is bruised, because things "not working-out" may spell failure in your mind. That's a personal insecurity you had better work-on.

"You don't always hit the target the first time around; and you should sure your aim before you shoot. If it takes several arrows to hit a bulls-eye. Appreciate the practice until you do!" That's what my wise old dad used to say.

People also tend to forget; when you use online-dating as a source to meet people, there is the possibility that you are competing with several other possible candidates. There maybe better prospects that she is checking out. That's why you should slow your roll, and let feelings form slowly in-case of an unexpected bailout.

She is keeping her options open (as well she should).

Bear in mind; although you have a wide choice of options dating online; people are often a kid in a candy-shop. They want to taste every piece of candy in the store. Every-time they meet someone; they think they may have found someone better. Some just like keeping their social calendar filled; and don't want to spend weekends or nights alone. The want someone to talk to, or to keep them company. Keep your eyes open, and don't be so quick to make some online-catch a girlfriend. Give things a chance to stabilize, and wait until you have more to build on.

Yes, you may be correct that you are too desperate; if you tend to get the same results each and every-time. You have to be wise enough to learn from your mistakes. You'll never perfect the art of dating; because it is dealing with human nature. Depending on your own judgement and decision-making. We as a species are unpredictable; even to ourselves.

Do you know what you want to eat tomorrow? Not really, until you get there. You may plan spaghetti today; but want a steak tomorrow. Well, dating can sometimes be just as abrupt. I like you today, but...will I feel the same about this guy or girl a month from now? Who knows?

Stay level-headed if you're going to use online-dating to meet women. Random "real-time" introductions to available single-people keeps us more on equal-footing. (Meeting people on the spot, in-case you don't get it!) Your lady of interest doesn't have so many prospects coming at her at the same time. So you really have time to focus on the "bird in the hand." You also get the option to end it then and there. They can't play with you a month, before you even meet.

Don't by-pass this old-fashioned (but useful) option when you can. It will slow you down, you'll be the center of attention; and you'll both be a lot more patient with each-other. The same goes for that person you've met the hard-way. That's because they don't go home to two dozen hits waiting on their profile. They're out socializing; because they don't mind spontaneity. Meeting by fate.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 June 2014):

chigirl agony auntYou're over the top and diving in too fast! I don't know if this is what is pushing her away, but if a man acted like you do towards me I would run for the hills! A love letter after being together just a month?? Problems in communication after just this short time?

It would be alright if you had been together a few years, but it's just been a few months and you're already acting as if you're an old married couple.

The love letter makes you sound clingy and desperate. Which may or may not be true, but it's how most women will see it. And the standard reaction when coming across needy and desperate men is to back off. Maybe she was testing you to see if you would become desperate if she pulled away, to see if you had patience. In which case, you failed the test and she will now just pull away further.

My advice to you, if you want to salvage this, is to back off. Let her come to you. Don't call, don't text, don't write any letters, no e-mails etc. Let her come to you, and when/if she does you need to play it cool and NOT unload all of the supposed problems you have on to her. What problems could you possibly be having this early on? If there really are problems then you need to ask yourself why you are so interested in her. Because you need to use your head here. If there's already problems after just a month, and she's pulling away, then in all honesty, are the two of you really good together? No. Face that. You are not going to be happy, long term, with a woman who you are having problems with after just a month of exclusive dating. Only desperation for a relationship, ANY relationship with ANY woman, would make you think you should sit through a shitty relationship with a woman not good for you.

There are more fish in the sea..

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntYou need to stop trying so hard my friend. If you present a girlfriend shaped hole in your life and make it clear her job is to fill that gap then she will soon fade away. Women want a man who makes them feel they want to be with HER, not just with SOMEONE.

I do think writing the letter was a mistake. I understand where you were coming from but, just a short while in, and her BF is giving her a document psycho-analysing himself and the faults in the relationship. It adds to the layers of desperation.

If you try too hard it will push people away. I know as I have done it. I know you wanted this to work out but you have to let it go now. If she was happy, wanted to continue and felt the relationship was working you wouldn't be in this situation.

Mark

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