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I work as a cam girl but don't want my boyfriend watching other cam girls

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Pornography, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 December 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 5 December 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, *helseaA5678 writes:

I work as a cam girl on a website. This is actually my second job to make extra cash. My boyfriend was aware of this before we started dating.

Few days back he thought that since I was working as a cam girl it made it ok for him to join one of those sites and pay girls to perform for him on cam. I was upset when I found out about this and politely asked him not to visit that site anymore as it was considered cheating. I also asked him not to waste anymore of his money on that site and rather spend it on something that could benefit him in the long run.

I knew he would defend his actions by bringing up my secondary profession which he did. He called me a hypocrite. I tried to tell him that he and I have different motives when we’re visiting those sites. He disagreed with me and argued that I get pleasure out of it too. I have to admit that on some occasions I did get pleasure out of it. I know I’m going to get attacked for this.

But, my main purpose is to make more money which I’m in desperate need of. And, I can’t simply quit because I can’t avoid getting aroused at times. I even asked my boyfriend if we could work as a team on that site but he refused saying it wasn’t his thing. I also offered that I could do a striptease for him or something in case he got horny but he again refused and said that preferred watching other girls on cam.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I can’t give up my second job. I also can’t tolerate my boyfriend giving money to other cam girls and watching them. Am I really a hypocrite?

View related questions: horny, money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2018):

Yes you are being a hypocritical control freak.

Somehow your values got warped.

Perhaps it was the lure of easy money.

If you cared about yourself enough and this guy enough you would quit working in the sex trade.

Its too late now for this guy.

He will always see you as an online prostitute which is what a cam girl is.

And of course he will check out other cam girls until he feels he has delved into the world of prostitution far enough.

You will not be marriage material but you will always be there for titillation work on camera so unless you change your values you will slowly erode any value you once had in other people's eyes.

If you feel comfortable and validated providing on screen sex acts for pay per view customers then that is what you aspire to be.

Technically an online prostitute.

But there is nothing to distinguish you from other cam girls in the pay per view world so of course it us ridiculous to try to restrict you boyfriend's pay per view actions.

If you want to get out of the online sex trade you could try asking your doctor for any support groups to help you do so.

Or see if the police have any recommended support groups.

Or search online for support groups.

I have heard it said that getting out of the sex trade is one of the most difficult to impossible things to do in life, so I wish you every success if you try it.

Unfortunately there will always be new niave cam girls willing to display their wares and you will get shifted from group to group as you have to reinvent some sexual allure for the public.

Taking your undies off for the cam and titillating your audience with your body parts is not usually an upward path and I have heard a lot of girls get terrible online abuse which is really sad as you are only doing this work as a kindness to lovelorn guys who need to beat their meat after viewing your perfect body.

But this is a projected image and if at all possible it would be better if you could reinvent yourself into another career that didn't involve legs akimbo.

Who knows what talents you have other than pleasing men for money?

You may think you have no other options but chances are that you do!

How will you ever have children if you carry on working in this way.

And yet you probably only want to be liked and loved.

Don't totally discount how much you may want a child one day and if you did how much that child would love you.

But not everyone is cut out for kids, so if you know in your heart that you never want to be a mother and you see yourself only in a cam view light and you fully intend to go further and deeper into the sex trade world then you have set your heart on it!

Self titillation is all you require, but don't expect a serious guy to see it that way because you will just end up with an online pimp!

Maybe your guy is already considering controlling and sexing more than one cam girl in a week or at a time.

Its that kind of business and at some stage you will be requiring male protection.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2018):

N91 agony auntYes, 100% a hypocrite.

How are you okay with other people viewing your naked body and performing sexual acts for money but your BF is cheating for watching other women? How does that make any sense? Surely carrying out sexual acts for other people is cheating? It doesn’t matter if the purpose is to make money or not, you’re involving external people in your relationship whether it’s physical or not it doesn’t matter.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2018):

"I can’t simply quit because I can’t avoid getting aroused at times" - Well, he can't quit getting aroused by other cam girls either.

Personally, I have no judgements for you making extra money that way, but it is absolutely hypocritical to expect your boyfriend not to be on the customer end of what you do.

If you need the cash, get a different second job. If you don't want a different second job, then it's because of the TYPE of work it is - sexual. That's fine, but some other women are in your position because their boyfriends are paying YOU. You don't mind that because they're not your relationships, but this one is and you don't see the hypocrisy? "I can show off for other men and sometimes get aroused, but you cant watch other women show off to you and get aroused"?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 December 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYes, you are. Not many men will be okay with your job, especially if you’re okay to have other girls’ boyfriends pay to look at you, but not for your boyfriend to be one of those guys paying to look at other women doing your job.

Either it’s just a job to you, like any other, or it’s not. If it is, you keep your job and he can look at other cam girls. If it’s not like any other job, then yes, it’s hypocritical to be a cam girl for other guys, but not want your guy to see other girls.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (2 December 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI suspect this may be your boyfriend's way of bringing this to a head. He is obviously not happy with your part time job so is trying to make you see how it feels for him.

How important is this relationship to you? Do you envisage it being long term? If you gave up your work as a cam girl, would he give up watching other girls? I can't imagine may men would be totally comfortable with what you do for a second income. I think it's time you decide where your priorities lie.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2018):

Possibly you are a bit naive about the bigger picture.

If you work as a Camgirl, the vast majority of men will regard you as low value, disposable, not for long term 'wife' material. I'm not saying they are right, but that is the reality.

What that means on a day to day level is that they won't value your needs, opinions, desires, or aims in any way that impacts upon them or on the future. You may as well surrender your own sense of self when you enter into a 'relationship' whilst undertaking this kind of work; the guy involved won't see you as a human being in the full sense, and he won't make any emotional investment into you.

So, when you are asking him for certain things - in this case, not to look at other cam girls - it won't work, because he doesn't see you as valid or valuable to him. He won't begin any type of relationship negotiation because he simply doesn't credit you with that right. So, you are effectively powerless.

You say you need to do this job to earn extra money. He is using his surplus money to watch other cam girls. It's very different to a situation in which a woman with a normal, but low paid job, is struggling a bit and meets someone genuinely caring who sees her struggling but begins to work as a team with her to help her out financially, because he feels invested in her and sees her as potential long-term partner material.

There will be countless women out there, struggling to make ends meet - married and with kids and probably working in jobs that definitely don't make them feel remotely sexy, and their boyfriends or husbands will be giving any 'surplus' money to women like you. The women get trapped because they can't become financially independent. So, there's a sense in which you are receiving a taste of your own medicine - you take money from these men on the grounds that you need it, rather than looking for a quality partner to pair up with and work as a team with, and you feed the habits of men who either can't form loving relationships or are in a committed relationship but feel entitled to 'extras'.

Until you get out of this role, I very much doubt any quality man will treat you in the way that you want. The role you've chosen may seem fun and lightheaded, but it has a dehumanising side to it, and you are experiencing part of that now. Millions of women and girls are kidnapped and sold into sex slavery each year; they have to do what you do, but they don't have choice in it - haven't you realised that this industry has an extremely dark, unacceptable underside? You can't say that's nothing to do with you, if you are part of it you are encouraging it. You think you entered into this by choice, but it sounds like your choices became so narrowed and limited that you feel you have no other option - so there is a sense in which the 'slavery' aspect, though not as extreme in your case, is still there.

You don't say why you need this money and why you can't do another kind of job. Did you get into debt and feel like you can't get out? Why do you need this money? Are you bad at handling money? It would be better if you shared with is more of this side of your story, so that we can try to come up with practical solutions.

At least it bothers you that you may be a hypocrite. It shows at least an inkling of doubt that what you are doing may be objectionable. But you really need to look at the bigger picture. This is an industry that encourages men to treat women as less than human. What you are experiencing is the tip of the iceberg.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2018):

Your boyfriend is simply letting you know that he's only doing what the men who watch your cams are doing. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

You think you can justify your easy-money scheme by placing more emphasis on your need of money? As if there's no other feasible less self-degrading way of making money?

I'm not sure what kind of advice you might be looking for?

As I see it, your boyfriend is only doing what you want other men to do. Pay to watch a cam-performer, and get-off. Only he's checking out other girls; while the other guys are checking you out.

If you don't want him watching other girls, stop entertaining other men. Seems like a fair exchange.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 December 2018):

Honeypie agony auntAre you a hypocrite?

I kind of think you are. you are totally OK with OTHER women's BF's looking at you and paying you... but your BF can't look or pay another woman. Because in your logic THAT is cheating, where as what you do... is work.

Whether you get aroused or not is irrelevant. No judging there.. but you ARE occasionally getting aroused by interactions WITH other men... isn't that akin to cheating?

You are selling - he is buying.

So because you get PAID, it's OK? But not OK to PAY when you have a GF? Now in a sense I DO get your logic. Personally... I wouldn't date a guy who pays a cam-girl or anyone else prostituting themselves.

Now I get that you RATHER he doesn't look at other women for sexual pleasure when he CAN look at you. But you have also tried to tell him that what you do is "just" a job.

As far as what he spends his money on... I don't think it's any of your business if you aren't married and/or share finances.

While I wholeheartedly agree that it IS A waste of money to pay some desperate chick (like yourself) to take her clothes off and either fake sexual pleasure or not so fake sexual pleasure, the money is his. Not yours.

With all that said, If you can't afford to give up your second job and you can't accept that HE can do what he want with his money and time... I'd say end it.

So my question is, DID he pay for sex/cam-girls before you two started dating or is he doing it because he is a bit jealous of your sexual interactions with other men?

I don't think it's fair to have one set of rules for you, and one for him. BUT you have every right to not want to date someone who watches and pays other women for a sexual performance. Which means... he might not be a good partner for you, AT ALL.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (2 December 2018):

janniepeg agony auntYou have to consider what's more important, money or boyfriend. He also should not go into a relationship if he's not okay with his girlfriend being watched and drooled over on the internet. He probably went into this relationship with the thought at the back of his mind that you are not long term material, but for the time being you are sexy, and your profession somehow makes it okay for him to watch other cam girls. You can't expect a guy who values his relationship to want to truly commit to a girl who works in the sex trade. I would describe your relationship to be mutually beneficial in certain areas, but I won't say what you have together is true love.

I won't use the word hypocrite because there is no male equivalent to what you are doing. No guys would flash their dicks on the internet and expect to get paid for it. Women show off their bodies, guys watch. You are naively thinking you can make extra cash, and use that cash to build a future together. On his side, he got a real woman to have sex with, and then other girls to look at too and you don't have an argument against that.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (2 December 2018):

Ciar agony auntYep. You are.

It doesn't matter if your boyfriend knew of your second job before you began dating and it doesn't matter WHY you do it. What matters is you do it.

There are plenty of other ways to make money besides the sex trade.

Keep life simple. Don't do what you don't want someone else to do.

Just curious...if making money is the 'main purpose' for your cam work, what is the other purpose?

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