A
female
age
18-21,
HardNut
writes:I wonder what people see when they look at me? What do I want them to see? I don’t know! But I know it isn’t what they see. Secretly I used to wonder how the girls I despised so much for having the little self-respect they did, I used to wonder how they faced themselves alone, in something as simple as a mirror. I used to wonder how they looked themselves in the eye, how they coped. And now I don’t anymore. I don’t need to. Because now I am that girl. You can’t face yourself alone, so you don’t. You fill your day, night with people so you never got to be alone. And you never have to face yourself. |Because when there’s nobody around there’s nobody to pretend for and there’s nothing to hide and you’re all alone so no-one else is there to hate but you.I can’t look in the mirror but I do. I look at everything in the mirror but me. Truth is I don’t know who me is anymore, I jus know whoever she is, I hate her. I can’t remember the last time that I looked in the mirror at myself and was proud. I don’t know if I ever have. Usually I don’t think about this too much, but when I’m alone I can’t not. There are not enough things for me to do alone that stop me from coming back to this. Every time I think I’m over it I’m not really.I can’t do this.I think I’ve gone crazy. What’s that thing people day? “There are many ways of going crazy those who do it silently are the ones to worry about” Ha, that makes me laugh so much. I don’t even know where the line is anymore. I don’t know what my problem is! I don’t know who I am, what I want. Sometimes, I think I am happy, but I don’t know. And I don’t know what I’ve got to be unhappy about. I’ve got a boyfriend who worships me, a family who in their own way love me. I just feel like a balloon that I am about to burst and I can’t. What right do I have to be unhappy? I’ve never been sexually abused, raped, beaten black and blue, not been especially bullied in fact compared to some I’ve had a very cushty life so why am sat here in tears is beyond me. Nobody would describe me as insecure, weak or even unstable. But then I just wonder how well does anybody know anybody if I can hide this from everyone. What’s everyone hiding from me? (Uh-oh, paranoia)I’m going crazy, right? (deep breathes) I want to disappear to somewhere and start over somewhere no one knows me. I could do that, right? Save up some money and then just leave, start over. Problem is I’m only just turning 18, and if I already want to start over who is to say I won’t make a mess of that as well?
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bullied, insecure, money Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HardNut +, writes (1 August 2007):
HardNut is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): don't be sad, afraid or go away. you are special. you have done at a young age what many dont in a lifetime. you have taken off the public mask. so many people wear it for so long that they forget its on and begin to fool themselves. when you move, you go with you, so nothing will change but your location if you go/run away.
just as the sky, the moon, the sun and the stars are beautiful; so are you. you have to take some time to figure out what standards you are using to judge yourself. i know you think see the "true you". what you see is your perception of the "true you". i commend you for taking the honest look that many don't, but don't get down on yourself if you are judging yourself by an unfair measurement.
God gives us all a purpose here. if you dont believe in Him you are going to have to find your purpose. Help some one else. when i get depressed, i volunteer. it helps me focus on something other than what i am going through at the time.
Keep searching. keep searching and don't give up. you are worth it.
also, our words are very powerful. we make our actions follow what we believe without consciously knowing it.
change your thoughts. say to yourself in the mirror, "good morning", "you are beautiful" , "i love you". i know it sounds rediculous, but it ill work. Think about it; you've already done it before. look what you have yourself convince about your worth and value now.
keep searching. keep searching. dont give up!
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (1 August 2007):
You are living between the sunrise and the sunset in the twilight zone of your youth. And you are much like the clouds in the sky, that are aimless, and they are blown in most any direction by the prevailing winds, If they had feeling, they no doubt too would feel just like you, aimless and without any real purpose in your life. And your Mirror-Being is playing it much safer than you are. When you look at her, You are seeing the mirror-image of someone you really don't like, Yourself. And as I see it, you want to stay in That safe, snug cocoon, that shuts out the whole world around you. And you have become just like you Mirror-Image mentally and emotionally dead. And I would wonder if you really know where the one ends and the other begins, Is your Mirror-Image you or are you the mirror image?
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