A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what to do,or who to turn to.Ive done a really stupid and selfish thing,made a huge mess. My ex bf and I dated for 3 years,we broke up over a month ago.Im the one who screwed it up,forever.I have a 3 and a half year old daughter.My ex was there for me from the beginning,although we only started dating when my daughter was 8 months,we started off as friends.The biological father wants nothing to do with us,we were never an item,just a fling.About two weeks before i broke up with him,the bioligical father contacts me.We started chatting on IM,i told him the child is his,he said he would have to take a paternity test to prove that,which he agreed to do.I told my boyfriend about it,he wasnt to happy,but supported it,he said he would step aside if the father agrees to support my daughter and i should think it through properly before i do anything.While chatting to him he made alot of advances at me,knowing i had a bf.He said if the child is his,then we should be together and be a complete family.I didnt know what to say,i thought about,all the feelings came rushing back, and I agreed to it.He said we should meet to discuss everything.I never mentioned this to my boyfriend,i didnt know how i would tell him.A week later i broke up with him,over IM,I couldnt do it face to face,i just couldnt face him.He was sad,i mentioned nothing about why i didnt wana see him anymore,just told him i needed my space.The next day i dropped my daughter at my sister's place, and i went to meet him at his house,we chatted,1 thing led to another, and we ended up having sex.Then next day my now ex bf came over,dropped some of my stuff,greeted my parents, and gave my daughter a long hug,all he said to me was "do you really think Im that stupid?", and walked out. I dont know why he said that,as if he knew something was going on.When he left, i went on IM and told the father my ex had just left and everything was done.I then wanted to set a date for the paternity test,but his attitude suddenly changed,as if he was avoiding me,like he didnt want to talk to me.Its been more than a month and I havent heard from him since,ive tried calling, texting, IM,but no response. I also havent heard or seen my ex since, and now im starting to miss him,my daughter is also wanting to see him,i dont know what to tell her.I wish i had never done this,he was always there for me and my daughter,he supported us when i wasnt working,he was like a father to her.Now hes gone,i dont have anybody now.I dont know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): having been in the situation your ex is in i know how he must be feeling right now. If he does agree to take you back remember he may never be able to trust you again in the back of his mind that will always be there. Just dont do what my ex did and make the same mistake twice
A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Well, your boyfriend knew you were in contact with the father so when you broke up with him it was quite obvious what had been happening. Your boyfriend wont come back now because he was treated too badly. You need to move on now I'm afraid. You could Send an apology to your boyfriend and just say I was a fool and I'm truly sorry. Then leave it at that. If he contacts, then it is his choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): You have your daughter - not nobodyand the knowledge you have lost a lovely caring man - you have learnt a hard lesson - the father of your child is clearly a user - you were mad to risk it all for himToo late now, you have to just get on with it, raise your daughter and maybe after some time has passed try contacting your ex, tell him you want to meet n talk. He may ignore you he may not..give him some space to cool down - but it sounds like he knows you cheated so he may not come roundgood luck x
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (3 August 2011):
 you're right, this IS a mess. sounds like your daughters father just made lied about wanting to be a family with you and his daughter, just so he could get into your pants. and the poor guy who was there for you all along was dumped callously via IM (thats bad)
forget your daughters father, he is not worth knowing, he was aware that you had moved on with your life and had a boyfriend but he selfishly pursued you anyway. leave him in the past, he is scum.
before you start chasing the man that you dumped, just honestly answer this- would you really be missing and wanting him if your daughters dad had wanted you? would it matter so much to you that your daughter misses him if her daddy had wanted to stay with you?
if you are just looking to use him for comfort because you are feeling rejected and lonely - please - do the right thing and LEAVE HIM ALONE TO GET OVER YOU.
you have already had a little taste of what karma can do, please don't continue to push your luck by hurting the lovely man further.
if you ARE genuinely in love with him and you are certain what you did was just a mad mistake, then talk to him. apologise and grovel, it might work. bear in mind though that you have destroyed his trust (more so because you would not even admit to him the real reason for breaking up) he might take you back but he will never feel the same way about you again and is likely to give you a hard time next time round.
i don't believe that your feelings for him are really that strong though, or else you would not have dumped him, dishonestly and via IM like that, so sorry, but i hope you will be fair to him now and don't try to get him back.
give yourself some time on your own to get over what has happened. if in a few months you decide that you really want him back, try then, rather than rushing into something now just coz you feel rejected by someone else
x
maybe your newest boyfriend will never forgive you, if he doesn't you will just have to learn to live with it
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