A
female
age
41-50,
*omedayillflyaway
writes:Hi there. I was involved in a long distance relationship for about 4 and a half years and broke up almost 10 years ago. I feel foolish and dumb to say that to this day I cannot seem to get over her. She was my first kiss, my first love, and my first everything. Prior to that I was immersed in studying to be a doctor and never even thought of dating. despite the long distance I thought our relationship was for the most part great. We never really fought, were honest with each other, treated each other with respect, and as far as I know we were completely faithful to each other. when we met I was just beginning to discover that I was gay and she helped me work through that and I even came out to my family because of her. By the time my training came to an end I was ready to move to where she was to be with her but by then she told me that she was not sure about us and that she felt like we didn't connect. I had felt for some time that she was starting to pull away from me but I didn't know what to do. I guess she must have fallen out of love with me, which was devastating because she was not just my girlfriend but my best friend and the most decent, honest, fun, and beautiful person inside and out that I had ever met even to this day. We broke up without any fighting but with a great deal of tears. Even on the last day of our relationship there were no hateful words exchanged. We still remain friends, but no matter how many people I meet I can't help but feel that she was the one that got away and that I will never feel quite the same about anyone else again. She is such a great friend that I don't want to end our friendship just because I still am in love with her. She is seeing someone else now and has no interest in me as anything other than a friend. And honestly it hurts but I love her enough to let her go to be with someone who truly makes her happy and who can give her all the things that I could not. I guess the question I have is I want to be able to feel normal again, and to be able to move on but still be friends with her. I respect her too much to ever try to come between her and her happiness even if it may cost me my own, and I don't think I could withstand the idea of losing her from my life even if all I will ever be is her friend. Thank you ahead of time for any input you may have.
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best friend, broke up, long distance, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 Your welcome, I just hope you find the strength to look after yourself and put your own feelings first.
A
female
reader, somedayillflyaway +, writes (9 May 2017):
somedayillflyaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right. I don't think she would be malicious about it. I honestly think she is incapable of being so. I guess it's just my own guilt that plagues me. I feel like I'm abandoning someone who has been nothing but kind to me. But I guess you are right that I am creating my own personal hell by continuing to feed an emotion that can never be requited. Thank you again for your help and honesty.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 May 2017):
If she was a true friend she would understand why you need to let go. This is not your fault and she has nothing to forgive you for. Deep down she must understand how difficult this is for you when you still have feelings for her. Be honest with her. She would need to be a cruel person not to let you go when she knows how much you are hurting. I guess you just need to be honest with her and tell her the truth.
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A
female
reader, somedayillflyaway +, writes (9 May 2017):
somedayillflyaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for your advice. I'm continuing to work on myself and trying to detach myself from her. I feel guilty for fading away from her life to be honest. I hope she understands. I'm sure at some level she probably knows that I still love her so I hope she will understand and forgive me. Anyway Thank you again for your help.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 May 2017):
No there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to find the inner strength in you. I know how it feels, I have been their. It took me a long time to cut someone from my life even though I knew I should have had done so a long time ago. Believe me I only started healing when I decided enough was enough and put myself first.
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A
female
reader, somedayillflyaway +, writes (4 May 2017):
somedayillflyaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for your advice. I am trying to find the strength to do what you recommend. I just don't know how. Perhaps there is something wrong with me that I can't just cut her out of my life like most people do. I wish I knew how to do that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 May 2017):
You need to be strong enough to let her go. You are just torturing yourself staying friends with her. It is stopping you moving on and finding someone else.
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A
female
reader, somedayillflyaway +, writes (30 April 2017):
somedayillflyaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I thought your idea to write a book for catharsis was an interesting idea. I doubt it though that anyone would want to read it Unless they needed a cure for insomnia lol. People tell me that I should just move on and that if someone dumps you they don't deserve your heart and loyalty anymore which mentally I understand but my heart still feels wrapped in barb wire every time I think of her. It's a weird place to be where you simultaneously have both sadness and happiness when you think of the same person. I really have tried everything like meeting people for friendship, exercising, distracting myself with different activities but I always end up in the same place. Again I appreciate all the advice that you and others have posted here. That in itself has been a source of comfort for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017): Wow!This is what makes us human!We have the ability to stay stuck in one spot of time and the inability to move on.Animals rarely get stuck though some species stay faithful forever and never move on.I may be wrong but I hear whales never move on and mate for life!But who knows as we are not down in the depths of the ocean!Dogs move on I hear but also I hear of tales of dogs that sat and pined by their dead owners side for about 20 yrs until discovered!Its not about your emotions.Its about finding the new you!The new you has the capacity to fall in love again with someone new!New you could even fall in love with a man if new you wanted!Or with another woman!But new you has to discard old feelings to allow space for your new feelings!I would honestly find it a heartfelt and moving book if you wrote it out!You are full of good intentions and most loyal and honorable feelings that usually accompany a romantic novel or film!On day to day terms those great feelings are just too intense to be part of normal life!I mean what happened to "After she dropped me I just wanted to drop her back!"But then again ongoing romantic thoughts dont grow in such a practical manner!Its your life and your world!Try to avoid backtracking or you will permanently be in the desert of love!Stop at an oasis now and again ..not a bar but a friendship oasis and be thankful!Who cares if the love was great at the time.If they drop you it was only as good as an illusion or a commodity or a bad fit!Down grade her fantastic love to ok love because there is going to be more of the above or better or different!Unless you are ready for the cloister!But write the book for cathartic purposes, publish it for free on amazon and move on to be the new you!Read Maya Angelou if you find this particularly daunting but be warned it is full of hard feelings and reconciliation which is why so many of us love her books so much!She had a tough life!I hope you are not too priveleged to relate to her because she is human too and if you start at the beginning you will understand how her feelings were shaped!First book is "I know why the Caged bird Sings!"You will see how she learns to move on and love!
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A
female
reader, somedayillflyaway +, writes (30 April 2017):
somedayillflyaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your candid advice. I suppose on some level I understand the reasoning behind your advice to cut all ties with her but I honestly feel unable to do so. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm just too weak. I have always believed that good friends are worth more than rubies and she is such a wonderful person I can't imagine her out of my life entirely. Luckily she lives far from me and the only communication I have with her is when she calls me to talk once or twice a week as friends. She has tokd me upfront that she just sees us as friends only but values me enough to stay in touch. so maybe I will try to talk to her less often going forward if I can't cut her out entirely. Maybe one of these days I'll be strong enough to rise above all this. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (29 April 2017):
 I doubt you will ever get over this lady while you stay in contact as friends. I totally understand why you want to stay friends with her but being "just friends" with someone you have shared a relationship with and are still in love with will only lead to more heartache.
I think you know, deep down, that you have to cut all contact with her in order to move on. However, it may take you a long time to reach a point where you are strong enough to do this.
I do hope you meet someone soon who will fill that void in your life and who will help you get over this lady.
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