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I wish he would look at me and see I'm drowning, instead of calling me lazy, or belittling my parenting, cooking, whatever.

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a laundry list of concerns that I have really no one to turn to with.

So I moved across the country to be with my bf and so our family could be together. 2 and a half yrs and 2 babies later, I'm unhappy. It hurts to admit. I have a roof over my head, 3 beautiful kids, great meals every night, and all our basic needs taken care of. I'm unsure whether my unhappiness stems from postpartum hormones, grief, or an unhealthy relationship. To be completely honest, I am dissatisfied with my bf.

In the beginning, I guess we were doomed. He has trust issues and I've been trying to prove myself for the majority of our relationship, even while he's guilty of the very things I am accused of/guilty of.

I was basically forced to move here for the sake of our family. I thought that's what I always wanted, but now tgat I have it, I find myself faced with a slightly controlling, verbally abusive, emotionally stunted brat. But as these things go, I fall for him all over again when he's nice. And it's nice to have someone to wake up to.

I just had our 3rd baby. He's been stressed over finances, and we aren't even the least bit affectionate and we kind of snap at each other whenever we get the chance. Most of the time I'm alone with the kids.

I miss my family. I recently lost my father a few months ago, and had a few other family upsets that have really left me weakened emotionally. I want to be stronger, but I feel like my strength lies with them and they're so far away.

I really don't know what to do or what I'm asking. Maybe I've only posted for the sake of venting, but most days I dread the monotony of routine. I love my babies, but I feel so drained. I wish he would look at me and see I'm drowning, instead of calling me lazy, or belittling my parenting, cooking, whatever.

Maybe I should just leave.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

[EDIT]:

"You're unhappy because in the process of trying to create a family; you dismissed the possibility that it wasn't what he wanted. You forced the responsibility on him in the wrong way."

"Surely, he should care for and support the kids; but did he really want you as part of that package?"

"Not to convince him to be a loving boyfriend, or a good father; but you need to air your complaints, and do some venting."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

You are feeling what you're feeling; because you have transplanted yourself and the kids to be with a boyfriend who left you all behind. You had to move cross-country to catch-up with this guy! Frankly, that doesn't sound like a guy who wants children; or the woman who birthed them.

You're unhappy because in the process of trying create a family; you dismissed the possibility that it wasn't what he wanted. You forced the responsibility on him in the wrong way. Sure;y he should care for and support the kids; but did he really want you as part of that package?

Then you complicated your life all the more by adding a third child. Meanwhile; he hasn't even stepped-up to the plate to marry you. Now you're regretting all of it. Three kids later!

All is not lost.

Before you make a move, you need to get some couple's counseling. Not to convince him to be loving boyfriend or a good father; but you need to air your complaints, and do some venting. You have some things on your chest that need to be said. A counselor/mediator referees communication; so both parties can explain their thoughts and feelings.

It is likely you're reaching your boiling-point, or about to take an emotional nose-dive; but before that happens, I think you need to sit-down with a counselor, and get your feelings across to him. You're both very young parents. He's that kind of guy who sees only what bothers HIM, and the hell with you! He gives you babies; but once they're born, they're your problem. No guy who wants to be near his kids would move-away without them. Only for the mother and his kids to follow!

Chasing a man cross-country to make him face his responsibilities may obligate him to support his kids; but it doesn't obligate him to love you.

He might be nice to you now and then; but that's not enough to sustain a meaningful-relationship. I guess marriage isn't even on the table; that's because it's only a matter of time before he decides to bust another move. No papers, no weight! He can up and leave at any given moment. You're left alone with three babies. He travels light! No marriage to worry about!

If he refuses counseling; then you have to contact someone in your family to come gather-up you and your kids. You're going to have to become a single working-mom; collecting his child-support, and accepting the reality that he was not the one.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (16 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntAlso, in reference to your relationship issues, have you guys ever thought about seeing a Relationship Counsellor together?

I'd always advise everybody, to give their relationship their very best shot, before ever throwing in the towel.

UNLESS of course, the relationship is so bad, that repair isn't an option anymore.

Again, this is something to think about and talk about together.

Maybe you guys could do with some external familial or professional support?

It sounds as though you guys are under much stress, lead busy lives and could really do with some down time.

You're a Mum, for the third time around, so this can't be easy and you do require your partners help.

If you both gave each other a bit more one on one time, even if it's only once per fortnight or once per month, bec i understand you have a newborn baby, then perhaps you guys could rekindle what you once had.

You've gone ahead with having three children together, so it really couldn't be all that bad.

You should both sit down one night, after all the children are asleep and talk about what brought you guys together and work on ways, to get back to a place of comfort/contenment together.

You guys just need to try your best to work things out, so meeting halfway is crucial.

You should also let your partner know, that you demand his respect and you'd appreciate his understanding, rather than his criticism.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (16 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntOk, i hear you and it all sounds quite complicated, however, in the grand scheme of things, it's not.

You have numerous options here, however, the PRIMARY option is this.

You should talk to your partner, REGARDLESS, of how he feels/reacts, about how you are feeling and about how unhappy/concerned and confused you're feeling.

Let him know, that you wish to work things out together, as a team, if not for your sakes, for the sake of your three children.

The two of you may have issues and you may not be overly connected anymore, however, the three innocent lives you've both brought into this world so deserve your time, love and effort, to the max.

You're both "equally" responsible for everything that transpires within your relationship.

Your first step is to approach your partner and talk to him, HOWEVER, if the outcome of that conversation doesn't go well, then you can think about booking an appointment with your regular GP, whereby you can, in private, have a wee chat with he/she, about all your concerns and about you feeling so drained/tired, etc;.

Your GP is always a great starting point, when you've a problem that you require referring, help and/or advice over.

All the best!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

I hate to break it to you... but, he's just a consequence of your way of thinking and behaving and not a reason for your misery. You made all those decisions.

Ask yourself how and why did you chose a guy who's "controlling, verbally abusive, emotionally stunted brat", and then went on and left your life and everyone in it so that you can be with him (alone with no support) and decided to have THREE kids.

No completely healthy and responsible individual would put himself in that position. You're totally dependent on him. You don't mention if you work (and earn), you don't say if you have ever worked (been financially independent) or if you have any education.

When you talk about your husband, you describe a type of a person who (subconsciously) looks for people who are more likely to be dependent, whom he can control, whose self-confidence they can undermines (by constantly belittling them). That makes him feel safe. You're not going anywhere, you have no job, no prospects and have 3 kids. You're locked for life.

You're strengths lie within you. You should take your life into your own hands. Get a job and put children into daycare. Get some skills. If you do not drive, learn how. If you don't participate in managing your finances, learn and start doing so.

If he wants to discourage you, know that he's not doing you any good and that he's an abuser looking for a co-dependant person to put up with his abuse.

If he feels relieved that you're finally stepping up to take some bread-winning load off of his shoulders, well good for you both.

No wonder you're stressed when you feel trapped in your own life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

You should contact a women's shelter and make a escape plan.What he is doing to you by cutting you down is abuse.I say go to a women's shelter because I am afraid when you leave of how he will react.The other poster said how are you gonna take care of the kids.Well here in the US we have welfare.You can go to school and get your child care paid for and get income from welfare in the meantime.There is also child support.If you go on welfare the state would go after him for it.With three kids she also can get food stamps.You will do fine once you get that education.Then when they are all in school you can get a good paying job.In the us there are many resources for single parents tap into that.Stay safe.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 May 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhere will you go if you leave? Shouldn't you have thought of this before having your third child with the "controlling, verbally abusive, emotionally stunted brat". Having one accidental pregnancy is understandable to an extent but you went on to have a second and then a third child with him. Shouldn't your have sorted out your life and issues first? Children are not a band-aid!

How do you plan on taking care of the children if you leave? You do realise that it's not about you anymore... It's all about the three innocent lives that you willingly brought into the world.

Have you considered counselling?

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